Regrets about reproducing

[Anonymous]

Anyone have regrets about reproducing with your spouse, because of all the genetic predispositions?

I think I mistakenly used to think that it was mostly nurture not nature, but I've changed my mind since then. There are some real challenges that I'm dealing with all of our children, that was never an issue on my side of the family. It makes me realize that my spouse's genetics are very strong. And I'm ill equipped to handle them, while for my husband, it is just normal par for the course type stuff.

The extreme volatility, the opposition, the intense anger, the sensory issues, the daily tantrums spanning more than 6 years now. They have also inherited spouse's extreme intelligence and gifted abilities. I'm by nature a peaceful person, and I never yelled until after my second child was born.

All of my spouse's siblings have attempted suicide, been hospitalized for having a mental breakdown, and have been in some sort of inpatient or rehab program. They grew up with a very emotionally volatile father, who sometimes just came home from work and started beating on my husband for no reason I guess because he was stressed out, or would beat the kids if they received an A- in their classes. Their mom was emotionally unstable, prone to breakdowns and locking herself in the bathroom threatening to kill herself.

My own family had issues for sure, but nothing like that. It was more things like ptsd, depression and anxiety from post-war trauma, and my dad was physically/verbally abusive and ran our house military style. My siblings and I were pretty much angels - dutiful, respectful, straight A students, never raised our voices, never broke the rules.

I have given up hope that the kids are just going through a stage. And I fear for teen years. The thing is, they seem pretty happy at home, that is until they decide to be angry. The triggers are things like limiting screens, taking them to the doctor for checkups, or on most days, just waking up. They do great at school. No behavioral issues there. But at home, they are so hard and they really run me down. I get blamed for everything. They scream that they want me to die. I'm just not built for this. One day here and there, maybe. But on a daily basis? It's doing something to me and it's not good.

[Anonymous]

omg I'm sorry. Can your DH handle the kids more often? If he thinks this type of family is "normal", then he should be able to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:omg I'm sorry. Can your DH handle the kids more often? If he thinks this type of family is "normal", then he should be able to handle it.

No he can't. He fully admits that he would go insane and probably completely lose it if he was at home with the kids and he doesn't know how I do it.

He does try to spend time with them in the evenings, and on the weekends. But he also works many weekend and evenings - he has a very demanding job that he doesn't quite know how to put boundaries on.

[Anonymous]

OP again - my husband says it's normal when I try to bring up getting some professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:omg I'm sorry. Can your DH handle the kids more often? If he thinks this type of family is "normal", then he should be able to handle it.

No he can't. He fully admits that he would go insane and probably completely lose it if he was at home with the kids and he doesn't know how I do it.

He does try to spend time with them in the evenings, and on the weekends. But he also works many weekend and evenings - he has a very demanding job that he doesn't quite know how to put boundaries on.

He can't put most of this on you.

Maybe you need like a super nanny or family therapist?

Your situation would make me bonkers, too, and something would have to give. I would demand DH help more at home.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. That sounds so hard. Could you go to a child therapist for parent/child therapy of some kind? You're probably an amazing mom and you just need help with skills to parent this type of child since it doesn't come naturally to you (i doubt it comes naturally to anyone, honestly).

[Anonymous]

Even "normal" kids benefit from their parents taking parenting classes or getting outside help.

I think your background is making you more reactive to your kids' behaviors. But realizing that both your troubled upbringings may be playing out in your kids will be the first step to getting rid of these "ghosts in the nursery."

[Anonymous]

Any other advice other than professional help? My husband is vehemently against it, and also the children would never in a million years cooperate. It’s a clusterfk just getting them to see a regular doctor.

[Anonymous]

Sending you hugs OP. I could have written a similar post. Which county do you live in? Some counties have better family support than others. Places to reach out to re: behavior you see at home include your pediatrician and school social worker. Finding the right specialists can be so hard without a specific diagnosis, but there is a whole world of people who help kids. Its a hard a lonely road (I'm on it myself), but know you are NOT alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even "normal" kids benefit from their parents taking parenting classes or getting outside help.

I think your background is making you more reactive to your kids' behaviors. But realizing that both your troubled upbringings may be playing out in your kids will be the first step to getting rid of these "ghosts in the nursery."

Yes, you’re exactly right. I have ptsd from my dad’s anger. My automatic reaction is shutdown mode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any other advice other than professional help? My husband is vehemently against it, and also the children would never in a million years cooperate. It’s a clusterfk just getting them to see a regular doctor.

Go see one yourself then. At least it's a start.

[Anonymous]

How old are these kids?

You are projecting adult mental issues on kids who are not even teens yet. Come on OP!

Have you seen a doctor, therapist anyone or are you sitting at home blaming you DH's genes and giving up hope?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any other advice other than professional help? My husband is vehemently against it, and also the children would never in a million years cooperate. It’s a clusterfk just getting them to see a regular doctor.

How about you alone seek professional advice on handling them and see where it takes you? I’m dealing now with issues with a teen that I should have sought professional advice for years ago. I would like to save you the same regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sending you hugs OP. I could have written a similar post. Which county do you live in? Some counties have better family support than others. Places to reach out to re: behavior you see at home include your pediatrician and school social worker. Finding the right specialists can be so hard without a specific diagnosis, but there is a whole world of people who help kids. Its a hard a lonely road (I'm on it myself), but know you are NOT alone.

Again, my husband is vehemently against putting anything in their medical records or talking about this with their pediatrician. I don’t think it’s a barrier I can overcome to get professional help for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any other advice other than professional help? My husband is vehemently against it, and also the children would never in a million years cooperate. It’s a clusterfk just getting them to see a regular doctor.

Go yourself, to work on untangling your own childhood (abusive father, cowed into being submissive/ very well behaved out of fear it sounds like). That will honestly be a good first step at understanding why you picked this man to be your husband, and why your childrens behavior triggers you. Then you can start working towards responding to their behavior differently. You can do this.