Regrets about reproducing

[Anonymous]

It sounds like it is normal to him. And he has no clue what to do about it. And it's not a coincidence that his work gets him out of this situation so often. He resists professional help because he knows on a deeper level something is wrong with him and his family and he cannot cope with having to face that.

Try some professional help for you alone. You deserve someone who listens to you in a caring way and it will make you feel better.

You can also get parent coaching without him or the kids being there at all.

[Anonymous]

There are boarding schools, including junior boarding schools, that you oldest can go to or apply to. As smart kids with no behavior problems at school, they are good candidates. They can also benefit from the structure and tolerance of professionals at the schools. I have a challenging kid who is thriving at a top boarding school that provides more structure and social stimulation than our current set up at home. The relationship with parents is improved. You may want to look into it and see if any of the options seem suited to your family. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - my husband says it's normal when I try to bring up getting some professional help.

He can’t say that he can’t handle his own kids, and also say their behaviours are normal and you don’t need help.

It’s not supposed to be this hard. Get the help.

[Anonymous]

Please just consider what you would tell a friend if she told you what you said here. That your husband screamed and cursed at you when you suggested talking to the pediatrician about helping your children. That you need more support but he is cutting you off from any professional help you could get. How would you advise a friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If teachers are not reporting any problems, then it could be that this is a parenting issue. I hate to kick you while you're down, but is it possible your behavior is contributing to their outbursts? Diagnosis of most behavioral disorders requires evidence from multiple environments. If the only problem is the home, then the good news is that it might be fixable!

What kinds of strategies and techniques have you tried? Can you get a parenting coach for yourself?

Yes maybe. In many ways they are closer to my husband, because they are more alike. When they get angry at him, he throws it back at them. It’s a big chaotic screaming match. It sends me into shutdown mode. Same thing happens when my kids start screaming at me and then I need a day to recover.

I have tried many strategies and techniques but I honestly can’t remember right now. I’m in shutdown mode because I got screamed at today. I think I just need to get away for a while.

Different poster here. It could also be that your kids know they can't get away with certain behavior at school and they are more comfortable at home (and thus worse behavior). The good news is that they're comfortable at home, though I know myself this is cold comfort when you're living what you describe. There is no way it is healthy for anyone for your kids and husband to have screaming matches. Try working with your husband on more positive approaches to parenting. it sounds like he needs a parenting class. Maybe you could go to one together. Google things like "impact of screaming on children." Help him see it is very detrimental to your kids for him to scream at them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Side thought. Are you close enough to DH's siblings that you can discuss what happened in their lives directly - how it felt to be them, how they wished they would be treated, how much sleep they needed as kids? Sounds like DH is the most functional so maybe info from the others would help.

From what you've said above, the suicide risk is the most frightening issue. My recommendation is that you delay phones and don't allow social media. It's quite possible for kids to do without social media.

I actually am pro-multi-player video gaming if the friend community is healthy. My kids play Roblox quest games and have met some intelligent, friendly kids from other parts of the world to socialize with. Gaming got my younger through a rough patch in middle school. So that's not necessarily a problem.

Another suggestion...when they are really angry, do you follow them and try to talk about feelings? Some people (my IL family) are better left alone to cool off. My family likes to continue engaging in discussion while angry. I've had to learn to not chase people around while arguing things out. Better to allow cool off and discuss another time.

Another thing...occasionally humor can defuse a screaming threat situation. Or a poker face. Maybe your kids are continuing to lash out at you because they can read your face and tell that they are making an impact.

You may have luck once the kids have hit developmental milestones....they may respond to the nurture. It seems hopeful to me that they are well-behaved at school. In my limited experience, kids that are disruptive at home are consistent in other environments.

Another thought...since they are smart, why don't you make them a no-screen play area with interesting things to send them to as a time-out. Like a science kit or workbench area. Maybe being sent somewhere in the house is enough of a signal to calm down and cut out whatever behavior.

Last thing that comes to mind...the "one of these things is not like the other" family situation that you are in. I lived in a FOO where mom was the "good girl" and dad and 2 kids were much more on the same wavelength.
I think you are really wise for reaching out for help. Your DH might want to avoid managing this situation because of bad memories. And you are the person least similar to your family members. So it makes a lot of sense for you to be collecting info and trying out techniques to find out what works best. Because you deserve to be happy and respected, but your loved ones may not be able to introspect enough to help you to learn how to manage them more successfully.

Wishing you luck and just want to say you're an attentive and good mom for starting down this path of inquiry.

Wow, thanks for your post. I’m hesitant to have those types of conversations with my husband’s siblings but I’ll give it some thought.

We are pretty strict about screens and video games. And it’s mostly because one of our kids cannot seem to handle it, because of his obsessive, addictive, and intense personality.

My go to is sending the kids to their rooms when they start screaming. But they have started refusing, and are getting too big for me to force or carry them upstairs. I really avoid engaging when they start screaming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any other advice other than professional help? My husband is vehemently against it, and also the children would never in a million years cooperate. It’s a clusterfk just getting them to see a regular doctor.

I posted at 13:31 before seeing you didn't want professional help. Here is what I have found helpful (in addition to professional help) for my kid with anxiety who at home can have very loud angry outbursts and refuse to do basic things. No sensory issues that I'm aware of. 1) Understand the behavior. Why is my child acting this way? What are they anxious about/fearful of? What are they trying to do or achieve? It sometimes takes an excruciating amount of time for me to figure this out. Like weeks ore months to figure out why a certain situation triggers my child. When my kid is upset they just refuse, refuse, refuse. They can't or won't explain. Why don't you want to go to your best fiends house? "I just don't want to go!!" Why? "I just don't!" And it turns out their best friend wanted to play tag at recess that day not hide and seek so my kid feels rejected. <sigh> Even if it isn't rational to you it can be a real fear/anxiety for them. That is legitimate and needs to be given love an understanding. My kid also is developing social skills so gets frustrated when others reject him. This doesn't turn into outbursts at school, but when I see my kid having trouble in a social situation I can pull them aside and ask what they are trying to do. Do you want Larlo to play hide and seek? Larlo doesn't want to play that game now, but maybe will play later. You can choose to play the game Larlo is playing or find other kids to invite to play hide and seek. One thing that helps my relationship with my child is finding things we both like to do and do those as frequently as possible. This could be reading a book to your child or making cookies or going to batting cages. Personally I've found it needs to be an activity I enjoy as well otherwise it just drains me and that isn't good for either of us. GL!

But you sound like you need professional help as well. Even talking with your school's social worker about the range of behaviors and interventions is helpful. Over the years I've found nuggets here and there that have been invaluable, even from people who were dismissive of me and my concerns.

Thanks. Having these types of scripts is helpful and it’s something that definitely doesn’t come naturally to me. It wasn’t modeled for me by any measure.

It wasn't modeled for me or my DH either. We're only in our 40s but had a VERY different/strict upbringing with lots of volatility ourselves. It has been a very steep learning curve for me, which is why help from others has been really....helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If teachers are not reporting any problems, then it could be that this is a parenting issue. I hate to kick you while you're down, but is it possible your behavior is contributing to their outbursts? Diagnosis of most behavioral disorders requires evidence from multiple environments. If the only problem is the home, then the good news is that it might be fixable!

What kinds of strategies and techniques have you tried? Can you get a parenting coach for yourself?

Yes maybe. In many ways they are closer to my husband, because they are more alike. When they get angry at him, he throws it back at them. It’s a big chaotic screaming match. It sends me into shutdown mode. Same thing happens when my kids start screaming at me and then I need a day to recover.

I have tried many strategies and techniques but I honestly can’t remember right now. I’m in shutdown mode because I got screamed at today. I think I just need to get away for a while.

Different poster here. It could also be that your kids know they can't get away with certain behavior at school and they are more comfortable at home (and thus worse behavior). The good news is that they're comfortable at home, though I know myself this is cold comfort when you're living what you describe. There is no way it is healthy for anyone for your kids and husband to have screaming matches. Try working with your husband on more positive approaches to parenting. it sounds like he needs a parenting class. Maybe you could go to one together. Google things like "impact of screaming on children." Help him see it is very detrimental to your kids for him to scream at them.

The kids say they don’t mind my husband screaming at them. In a way, it’s almost like they like it because he is matching their energy and they feel validated or more normal for feeling so out of control. It’s me who minds. It’s their normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Side thought. Are you close enough to DH's siblings that you can discuss what happened in their lives directly - how it felt to be them, how they wished they would be treated, how much sleep they needed as kids? Sounds like DH is the most functional so maybe info from the others would help.

From what you've said above, the suicide risk is the most frightening issue. My recommendation is that you delay phones and don't allow social media. It's quite possible for kids to do without social media.

I actually am pro-multi-player video gaming if the friend community is healthy. My kids play Roblox quest games and have met some intelligent, friendly kids from other parts of the world to socialize with. Gaming got my younger through a rough patch in middle school. So that's not necessarily a problem.

Another suggestion...when they are really angry, do you follow them and try to talk about feelings? Some people (my IL family) are better left alone to cool off. My family likes to continue engaging in discussion while angry. I've had to learn to not chase people around while arguing things out. Better to allow cool off and discuss another time.

Another thing...occasionally humor can defuse a screaming threat situation. Or a poker face. Maybe your kids are continuing to lash out at you because they can read your face and tell that they are making an impact.

You may have luck once the kids have hit developmental milestones....they may respond to the nurture. It seems hopeful to me that they are well-behaved at school. In my limited experience, kids that are disruptive at home are consistent in other environments.

Another thought...since they are smart, why don't you make them a no-screen play area with interesting things to send them to as a time-out. Like a science kit or workbench area. Maybe being sent somewhere in the house is enough of a signal to calm down and cut out whatever behavior.

Last thing that comes to mind...the "one of these things is not like the other" family situation that you are in. I lived in a FOO where mom was the "good girl" and dad and 2 kids were much more on the same wavelength.
I think you are really wise for reaching out for help. Your DH might want to avoid managing this situation because of bad memories. And you are the person least similar to your family members. So it makes a lot of sense for you to be collecting info and trying out techniques to find out what works best. Because you deserve to be happy and respected, but your loved ones may not be able to introspect enough to help you to learn how to manage them more successfully.

Wishing you luck and just want to say you're an attentive and good mom for starting down this path of inquiry.

Wow, thanks for your post. I’m hesitant to have those types of conversations with my husband’s siblings but I’ll give it some thought.

We are pretty strict about screens and video games. And it’s mostly because one of our kids cannot seem to handle it, because of his obsessive, addictive, and intense personality.

My go to is sending the kids to their rooms when they start screaming. But they have started refusing, and are getting too big for me to force or carry them upstairs. I really avoid engaging when they start screaming.

Another poster here. Its hard but try to head things off before it gets to screaming because once someone is screaming they've shut down some of the more rational parts of their brain. That isn't the time to rationalize with them or teach them better coping mechanisms. With my kid I don't don't send them to their room, I tell them they need to go calm down anywhere else in the house besides where they are. They usually go to their room but I think giving them a choice helps them not feel traped. Also, they are going somewhere else to calm down, not as a punishment. I think most kids (at least mine) recognize when they need to calm down, but my kid needs help getting to a place where they can calm down, if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If teachers are not reporting any problems, then it could be that this is a parenting issue. I hate to kick you while you're down, but is it possible your behavior is contributing to their outbursts? Diagnosis of most behavioral disorders requires evidence from multiple environments. If the only problem is the home, then the good news is that it might be fixable!

What kinds of strategies and techniques have you tried? Can you get a parenting coach for yourself?

Yes maybe. In many ways they are closer to my husband, because they are more alike. When they get angry at him, he throws it back at them. It’s a big chaotic screaming match. It sends me into shutdown mode. Same thing happens when my kids start screaming at me and then I need a day to recover.

I have tried many strategies and techniques but I honestly can’t remember right now. I’m in shutdown mode because I got screamed at today. I think I just need to get away for a while.

Different poster here. It could also be that your kids know they can't get away with certain behavior at school and they are more comfortable at home (and thus worse behavior). The good news is that they're comfortable at home, though I know myself this is cold comfort when you're living what you describe. There is no way it is healthy for anyone for your kids and husband to have screaming matches. Try working with your husband on more positive approaches to parenting. it sounds like he needs a parenting class. Maybe you could go to one together. Google things like "impact of screaming on children." Help him see it is very detrimental to your kids for him to scream at them.

The kids say they don’t mind my husband screaming at them. In a way, it’s almost like they like it because he is matching their energy and they feel validated or more normal for feeling so out of control. It’s me who minds. It’s their normal.

You can set boundaries with them. They can learn that they can yell at their father, but they can also learn that they can’t yell at you. It’s okay to say yelling at you is unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If teachers are not reporting any problems, then it could be that this is a parenting issue. I hate to kick you while you're down, but is it possible your behavior is contributing to their outbursts? Diagnosis of most behavioral disorders requires evidence from multiple environments. If the only problem is the home, then the good news is that it might be fixable!

What kinds of strategies and techniques have you tried? Can you get a parenting coach for yourself?

Yes maybe. In many ways they are closer to my husband, because they are more alike. When they get angry at him, he throws it back at them. It’s a big chaotic screaming match. It sends me into shutdown mode. Same thing happens when my kids start screaming at me and then I need a day to recover.

I have tried many strategies and techniques but I honestly can’t remember right now. I’m in shutdown mode because I got screamed at today. I think I just need to get away for a while.

Different poster here. It could also be that your kids know they can't get away with certain behavior at school and they are more comfortable at home (and thus worse behavior). The good news is that they're comfortable at home, though I know myself this is cold comfort when you're living what you describe. There is no way it is healthy for anyone for your kids and husband to have screaming matches. Try working with your husband on more positive approaches to parenting. it sounds like he needs a parenting class. Maybe you could go to one together. Google things like "impact of screaming on children." Help him see it is very detrimental to your kids for him to scream at them.

The kids say they don’t mind my husband screaming at them. In a way, it’s almost like they like it because he is matching their energy and they feel validated or more normal for feeling so out of control. It’s me who minds. It’s their normal.

I'm not a professional but the fact that your kids are ok with the screaming only tells me it is normal for them. That doesn't make it ok or healthy. I think many of us can look back at things were considered normal as kids and later learned as adults were not normal or healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again - my husband says it's normal when I try to bring up getting some professional help.

He can’t say that he can’t handle his own kids, and also say their behaviours are normal and you don’t need help.

It’s not supposed to be this hard. Get the help.

Normal as in, this is exactly what it was like when he was growing up. Also normal for mom to having emotional breakdowns and dad to be flying into violent rages. For the record, he’s never hit the children. But there have been times I’ve just locked myself up in my room for a day because I couldn’t handle it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again - my husband says it's normal when I try to bring up getting some professional help.

He can’t say that he can’t handle his own kids, and also say their behaviours are normal and you don’t need help.

It’s not supposed to be this hard. Get the help.

Normal as in, this is exactly what it was like when he was growing up. Also normal for mom to having emotional breakdowns and dad to be flying into violent rages. For the record, he’s never hit the children. But there have been times I’ve just locked myself up in my room for a day because I couldn’t handle it anymore.

My husband has also admitted that if he were home with them all the time, he would probably end up beating them like his dad did. Said in jest, but also in truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If teachers are not reporting any problems, then it could be that this is a parenting issue. I hate to kick you while you're down, but is it possible your behavior is contributing to their outbursts? Diagnosis of most behavioral disorders requires evidence from multiple environments. If the only problem is the home, then the good news is that it might be fixable!

What kinds of strategies and techniques have you tried? Can you get a parenting coach for yourself?

Yes maybe. In many ways they are closer to my husband, because they are more alike. When they get angry at him, he throws it back at them. It’s a big chaotic screaming match. It sends me into shutdown mode. Same thing happens when my kids start screaming at me and then I need a day to recover.

I have tried many strategies and techniques but I honestly can’t remember right now. I’m in shutdown mode because I got screamed at today. I think I just need to get away for a while.

Different poster here. It could also be that your kids know they can't get away with certain behavior at school and they are more comfortable at home (and thus worse behavior). The good news is that they're comfortable at home, though I know myself this is cold comfort when you're living what you describe. There is no way it is healthy for anyone for your kids and husband to have screaming matches. Try working with your husband on more positive approaches to parenting. it sounds like he needs a parenting class. Maybe you could go to one together. Google things like "impact of screaming on children." Help him see it is very detrimental to your kids for him to scream at them.

The kids say they don’t mind my husband screaming at them. In a way, it’s almost like they like it because he is matching their energy and they feel validated or more normal for feeling so out of control. It’s me who minds. It’s their normal.

You can set boundaries with them. They can learn that they can yell at their father, but they can also learn that they can’t yell at you. It’s okay to say yelling at you is unacceptable.

I do say this. But maybe I haven’t been clear enough. I’ll try again.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to work on your mindset, OP. Your post is a little icky when talking about your own kids.

But also, the truth is parenting is a grind no matter who you make babies with.

And you can’t account for all contingencies. Stuff happens in life. I have a child with a severe disability that is due to a de novo (random) genetic mutation that didn’t come from me or DH.