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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Side thought.  Are you close enough to DH's siblings that you can discuss what happened in their lives directly - how it felt to be them, how they wished they would be treated, how much sleep they needed as kids?  Sounds like DH is the most functional so maybe info from the others would help.

From what you've said above, the suicide risk is the most frightening issue.  My recommendation is that you delay phones and don't allow social media.  It's quite possible for kids to do without social media.

I actually am pro-multi-player video gaming if the friend community is healthy.  My kids play Roblox quest games and have met some intelligent, friendly kids from other parts of the world to socialize with.  Gaming got my younger through a rough patch in middle school.  So that's not necessarily a problem.

Another suggestion...when they are really angry, do you follow them and try to talk about feelings?  Some people (my IL family) are better left alone to cool off.  My family likes to continue engaging in discussion while angry.  I've had to learn to not chase people around while arguing things out.  Better to allow cool off and discuss another time.

Another thing...occasionally humor can defuse a screaming threat situation. Or a poker face.  Maybe your kids are continuing to lash out at you because they can read your face and tell that they are making an impact.

You may have luck once the kids have hit developmental milestones....they may respond to the nurture.  It seems hopeful to me that they are well-behaved at school.  In my limited experience, kids that are disruptive at home are consistent in other environments.

Another thought...since they are smart, why don't you make them a no-screen play area with interesting things to send them to as a time-out. Like a science kit or workbench area.  Maybe being sent somewhere in the house is enough of a signal to calm down and cut out whatever behavior.

Last thing that comes to mind...the "one of these things is not like the other" family situation that you are in.  I lived in a FOO where mom was the "good girl" and dad and 2 kids were much more on the same wavelength. 
I think you are really wise for reaching out for help.  Your DH might want to avoid managing this situation because of bad memories.  And you are the person least similar to your family members.  So it makes a lot of sense for you to be collecting info and trying out techniques to find out what works best.  Because you deserve to be happy and respected, but your loved ones may not be able to introspect enough to help you to learn how to manage them more successfully.

Wishing you luck and just want to say you're an attentive and good mom for starting down this path of inquiry.

[/quote]

Wow, thanks for your post. I’m hesitant to have those types of conversations with my husband’s siblings but I’ll give it some thought.

We are pretty strict about screens and video games. And it’s mostly because one of our kids cannot seem to handle it, because of his obsessive, addictive, and intense personality.

My go to is sending the kids to their rooms when they start screaming. [b]But they have started refusing, and are getting too big for me to force or carry them upstairs.[/b] I really avoid engaging when they start screaming. [/quote]

Try taking a time out yourself, I say, 'we can try again when we can talk calmly and I'm feeling upset right now." That works better for my anxious volatile kid who freaks out even more if I walk out without that promise of later connection and admitting I feel upset doesn't make her feel "bad." Then I go in my room, and do something I find soothing, a YT mediation video, yoga, listen to music and dance around, whatever. I have to be regulated so she can co-regulate from me.

I had a lot of PTSD from childhood too, and had to address it. I have also provided things that she finds soothing, a weighted blanket, journal, mini trampoline to jump on, etc. So she calms down, I calm down, then we try again. I also try for some kind of physical connection, holding hands, a hand on arm, touching knees while sitting, it seems to help ground and make more screaming less likely in the 2nd attempt. Sometimes going for a walk or bike ride and talking while moving is really helpful. But, before I could teach emotional intelligence and regulation, I had to learn it myself. And to work on healthy attachment styles. I did not learn that as a child myself so it has been very healing for me. I could not put the burden on them of not dysregulating me, they are kids and the bigger triggers were placed decades earlier. [/quote]

Thank you for your advice, it’s helpful to hear. On my best days I do all the things you described, and on a day like today, it’s like I’ve forgotten everything I’ve learned.  It’s funny I’ve gotten them all those other things like the weighted blanket, mini trampoline, journal. And I do usually tell them that I am really needing a break and then go meditate. [/quote]

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