Regrets about reproducing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From co-regulation article linked above

Similarly, without coregulation, a child may experience dysregulation, such as outbursts or aggression, and develop a maladaptive coping strategy, such as emotion suppression, that results in internalizing issues.

Coregulation is, therefore, essential in helping a child create calming connections in their brain. Your calming energy is translated to your child’s calmness.

First, Self-Regulate
Parents’ self-regulation is an important part of co-regulation. Adults are role models for their children on how to control their emotions. [focus on yourself here, that is all you can control and 1 parent is enough to learn this]

It can be challenging to deal with a screaming, irrational child during acute tantrum episodes, especially if the situation has already triggered big feelings in you.

Calm your nervous system by taking deep breaths, clearing your mind, and using positive self-talk.

Your past experience, thoughts, and beliefs about emotions will affect how well you manage your emotions.

Be mindful of your own state of mind and stay in the presence.

If it becomes too difficult for you to control your emotions when your child is upset, seek professional help. In therapy, mental health professionals can assist you in identifying and addressing unresolved issues that could prevent you from being a calm, caring parent.

Reparenting yourself and helping heal your PTSD from an abusive childhood will first help you, then help your kids. Managing your feelings so you can stay calm, present, and connected will help them co-regulate to calmness. Disconnecting triggers anxiety and more of the behavior you find overwhelming so working on you and your PTSD is the first step.

DBT tools will help everyone.
https://www.mentalhealth.com/therapy/parenting-and-dialectical-behavior-therapy-and-emotions

This is really helpful. I'll work through some of this with my therapist, although we did do a bit of work in this area. Honestly, yesterday was a bad day, after what has been feeling like a very rough several weeks. I haven't been taking great care of myself, and I know I'm capable of self regulating myself, but I just didn't have it in me yesterday.

And at the moment, I'm struggling the most with our anxious, addictive, obsessive, sensitive, jealous, competitive, demanding, needing constant attention, big emotion child. On good days, this child can be sweet, charismatic, patient, kind, funny, fun-loving, but when things go even slightly off, whether it's sleep, or some other trigger, it's like a five alarm fire. There is no in-between. This child seems to be unable to tolerate even the slightest bit of discomfort - whether that comes from boredom, feeling rejected, or an upset tummy, without unleashing wrath and chaos to everyone around. This child is also constantly jockeying for the #1 position, no matter what - must have more than everyone else, is obsessively tracking every positive thing that their siblings get, and constantly comparing, and spends so much brainpower and memory on this one thing and I'm not sure what to do about it because I can see that the habit makes them so unhappy instead of grateful. This child is also always instigating, constantly goading other siblings to react by purposely annoying them, and then when they do, screams and acts like the victim. Needs constant entertainment and always wants to get their way on their time and cannot tolerate "losing".

The crazy thing is, on their own, one-on-one, when the other kids are away, this child is actually really pleasant to be around as long as you are paying attention to them. Also fine on playdates with their friends. This is true for all of them - although the other siblings are not as demanding in terms of attention. It may be a mismatch because this child is likely the only extrovert in a family of introverts. Refuses activities though, because of anxiety.

This child sounds so much like my child, I almost could have written this. Life has been hard for the past 4 years. We just had a neuropsych evaluation and received an ADHD and anxiety dx. Have been on ADHD meds for a few weeks and seeing some improvement.

My DH was also strongly against medication; I had to push for the neuropsych and schedule it myself. Once we met with the psychologist who evaluated DC, DH was willing to try medication.

I wish we had done the neuropsych sooner. As I was reading your post, I was like, “whoa, that sounds like classic ADHD.”

You might approach your pediatrician and see if they would be willing to prescribe a low dose of an ADHD medicine; I know some, including ours, are.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From co-regulation article linked above

Similarly, without coregulation, a child may experience dysregulation, such as outbursts or aggression, and develop a maladaptive coping strategy, such as emotion suppression, that results in internalizing issues.

Coregulation is, therefore, essential in helping a child create calming connections in their brain. Your calming energy is translated to your child’s calmness.

First, Self-Regulate
Parents’ self-regulation is an important part of co-regulation. Adults are role models for their children on how to control their emotions. [focus on yourself here, that is all you can control and 1 parent is enough to learn this]

It can be challenging to deal with a screaming, irrational child during acute tantrum episodes, especially if the situation has already triggered big feelings in you.

Calm your nervous system by taking deep breaths, clearing your mind, and using positive self-talk.

Your past experience, thoughts, and beliefs about emotions will affect how well you manage your emotions.

Be mindful of your own state of mind and stay in the presence.

If it becomes too difficult for you to control your emotions when your child is upset, seek professional help. In therapy, mental health professionals can assist you in identifying and addressing unresolved issues that could prevent you from being a calm, caring parent.

Reparenting yourself and helping heal your PTSD from an abusive childhood will first help you, then help your kids. Managing your feelings so you can stay calm, present, and connected will help them co-regulate to calmness. Disconnecting triggers anxiety and more of the behavior you find overwhelming so working on you and your PTSD is the first step.

DBT tools will help everyone.
https://www.mentalhealth.com/therapy/parenting-and-dialectical-behavior-therapy-and-emotions

This is really helpful. I'll work through some of this with my therapist, although we did do a bit of work in this area. Honestly, yesterday was a bad day, after what has been feeling like a very rough several weeks. I haven't been taking great care of myself, and I know I'm capable of self regulating myself, but I just didn't have it in me yesterday.

And at the moment, I'm struggling the most with our anxious, addictive, obsessive, sensitive, jealous, competitive, demanding, needing constant attention, big emotion child. On good days, this child can be sweet, charismatic, patient, kind, funny, fun-loving, but when things go even slightly off, whether it's sleep, or some other trigger, it's like a five alarm fire. There is no in-between. This child seems to be unable to tolerate even the slightest bit of discomfort - whether that comes from boredom, feeling rejected, or an upset tummy, without unleashing wrath and chaos to everyone around. This child is also constantly jockeying for the #1 position, no matter what - must have more than everyone else, is obsessively tracking every positive thing that their siblings get, and constantly comparing, and spends so much brainpower and memory on this one thing and I'm not sure what to do about it because I can see that the habit makes them so unhappy instead of grateful. This child is also always instigating, constantly goading other siblings to react by purposely annoying them, and then when they do, screams and acts like the victim. Needs constant entertainment and always wants to get their way on their time and cannot tolerate "losing".

The crazy thing is, on their own, one-on-one, when the other kids are away, this child is actually really pleasant to be around as long as you are paying attention to them. Also fine on playdates with their friends. This is true for all of them - although the other siblings are not as demanding in terms of attention. It may be a mismatch because this child is likely the only extrovert in a family of introverts. Refuses activities though, because of anxiety.

This child sounds so much like my child, I almost could have written this. Life has been hard for the past 4 years. We just had a neuropsych evaluation and received an ADHD and anxiety dx. Have been on ADHD meds for a few weeks and seeing some improvement.

My DH was also strongly against medication; I had to push for the neuropsych and schedule it myself. Once we met with the psychologist who evaluated DC, DH was willing to try medication.

I wish we had done the neuropsych sooner. As I was reading your post, I was like, “whoa, that sounds like classic ADHD.”

You might approach your pediatrician and see if they would be willing to prescribe a low dose of an ADHD medicine; I know some, including ours, are.

Good luck!

How old is your child? Was your child having any issues at school or just at home? What kind of improvements have your u been seeing after starting medication? Did the neuropsych eval lead to any other intervention other than the meds?