Starting to feel uncomfortable

[Anonymous]

Trust your instincts (and not the sex fueled dopamine ones).

[Anonymous]

His fear is one or both of the following:

1) She will limit my choices in the future (not necessarily or primarily sexual but career, geographic, hobbies, friendships) AND/OR
2) I’m not good enough and she will eventually find out and dump me.

If the only thing that bothers you is the lack of labels, and you actually love the person (and I mean love, regardless of what you are getting out of it), I’d be hesitant to end things. If there are other issues you’re not telling us (or admitting to yourself), then perhaps it’s worth dumping him.

I would highly recommended talking this out with a skilled and patient therapist.

There is nothing wrong with wanting explicit commitment, communicating that and setting a timeline. But you have fallen in love with a commitment phone, which does make things difficult.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t just dump him.
Tell him you’re happy with him, want to be with him, and want to know exactly where his head is at. Tell him that you love him but are looking for a certain commitment.
If he blows you off, gives you vague reassurances or anything else that you’re not comfortable with, then leave.

I’m usually very quick with the DTMFA advice but it sounds like he is your boyfriend through his ACTIONS. Maybe he feels like his next move is a proposal and he can’t afford to provide for you the way he wants to. Find out what his plans are. You can still leave after you talk to him.

[Anonymous]

OP, "Do I talk about my discomfort? He does not know that at this point I love him. Or just end it?"

Are you kidding me? This is a person you think you might be in love with, and you have not had this conversation.

I'm a man, and I can tell you: men cannot read your mind. These people who are telling you to break up with him immediately are fools. Don't sabotage things for no good reason.

Have a reasonable, adult conversation with the man. Then report back to us after that conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, "Do I talk about my discomfort? He does not know that at this point I love him. Or just end it?"

Are you kidding me? This is a person you think you might be in love with, and you have not had this conversation.

I'm a man, and I can tell you: men cannot read your mind. These people who are telling you to break up with him immediately are fools. Don't sabotage things for no good reason.

Have a reasonable, adult conversation with the man. Then report back to us after that conversation.

Thanks PP. I just want to point out that I have communicated about the label issue bothering me twice. I just have not communicated that I love him. It kinda feels like, what's the point? I've said this bothers me and nothing has changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, "Do I talk about my discomfort? He does not know that at this point I love him. Or just end it?"

Are you kidding me? This is a person you think you might be in love with, and you have not had this conversation.

I'm a man, and I can tell you: men cannot read your mind. These people who are telling you to break up with him immediately are fools. Don't sabotage things for no good reason.

Have a reasonable, adult conversation with the man. Then report back to us after that conversation.

Thanks PP. I just want to point out that I have communicated about the label issue bothering me twice. I just have not communicated that I love him. It kinda feels like, what's the point? I've said this bothers me and nothing has changed.

What is his response when you bring it up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't want a boyfriend. You want this guy to commit to being your son's step parent. Its obvious. He doesn't want to be nor should he have to be. You're using the boyfriend label just to force the momentum of the relationship to a place where you believe he will be unable to extricate himself.

Essentially you are trying to emotionally blackmail a perfectly nice guy to be what you want him to be and to fulfill your needs.

This is the problem with dating single moms. It always comes to this.

OP, whatever the reason your baby daddy is out of the picture,you should NEVER be dating any man with the objective that the reason you are dating him is for the goal of finding a step dad for your son.

You should assume you will be a single mom rasing your son by yourself for the rest of your life.

If you want to date men and have serious relationships do it without the notion that you are doing it to find a step father for your son. The more you chase that the likelier it is you will scare men who might be open to it at some point, away.

You are totally objectifying this guy. It's all about you and what you want. Not about what he wants or doesn't want.

Other than sex, what do you even bring to the table? Independent of your needing a step father for your child, why do you think a man this one or any one, be willing to commit to you? What are they getting out of it? It really doesn't sound like you have much to offer aside from your own needs and unrealistic expectations.

This is crazy. Of all people, young widows do not need to go through life assuming they’ll never marry again. (But they also shouldn’t be playing house with a boy toy either.)

Just because a single mom gets married doesn't impose any obligation on the guy she marries to be a surrogate father to prior children she might have. Assuming that she's entitled to that from pretty much any guy she decides she likes is simply not realistic. OP is obviously not deeply bonded to the guy she's dating at all, and he is aware of that. She just sees a wallet to plunder and calculated that plenty of sex would get him to open it freely for her and her kid. Now she's made that he can see what she is really all about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the financial instability that is a major red flag for me, especially since he’s 47.

That, combined with his not being willing to call you his girlfriend. I understand not wanting to use labels, but also after 6 months and the relationship isn’t exclusive, seems like the label is kind of de facto. Why the resistance? What’s the label have to do with financial instability?

OP, I get it that you have a strong connection with this guy, but it sounds like he is not going to be able to give you any kind of security - financial or otherwise. I think it’s time to move on.

+100, exactly what PP said. If he doesn’t want to take you off the market, so to speak, by even saying you are bf/gf, I don’t see this ending well.

+1000. A man who is into you sees you as beautiful, valuable, and desirable to other men. He isn't going to let you get snatched up by someone else. Doesn't matter about his age or situation. Six months is more than enough time for him to lock things down and he's chosen not to. Take the hint, OP. Tell him that you are going to pursue your priorities and wish him luck. And in the future, don't introduce your child to someone until their actions, words, and plans are oriented around your shared future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, "Do I talk about my discomfort? He does not know that at this point I love him. Or just end it?"

Are you kidding me? This is a person you think you might be in love with, and you have not had this conversation.

I'm a man, and I can tell you: men cannot read your mind. These people who are telling you to break up with him immediately are fools. Don't sabotage things for no good reason.

Have a reasonable, adult conversation with the man. Then report back to us after that conversation.

Thanks PP. I just want to point out that I have communicated about the label issue bothering me twice. I just have not communicated that I love him. It kinda feels like, what's the point? I've said this bothers me and nothing has changed.

What is his response when you bring it up?

He makes the label into a big deal. Starts talking about living together and how his finances are not solid right now. I've explained that I am not ready nor asking to commit to living together. That I see bf/gf as a step before more serious commitments like living together, and that maybe things end before escalating to living together and that's ok too. But it's like he just puts all this pressure on himself to commit to happily ever after.

[Anonymous]

Once again a woman with a proven track record of bad relationship decisions just doesn't get that the problem is herself.

OP if you actually loved him, you would have told him that. You don't love him. He's just a wallet to you. You want to manipulate the labels and the I love yous in a way you think will get you what you think you want: marriage, a step daddy, and access to step daddy's resources.

He is hesitant to call you his girlfriend because he is suspicious that you are insincere and inauthentic but has been giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Please move on so he can be free to meet a woman who might actually be worth his time. You are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't want a boyfriend. You want this guy to commit to being your son's step parent. Its obvious. He doesn't want to be nor should he have to be. You're using the boyfriend label just to force the momentum of the relationship to a place where you believe he will be unable to extricate himself.

Essentially you are trying to emotionally blackmail a perfectly nice guy to be what you want him to be and to fulfill your needs.

This is the problem with dating single moms. It always comes to this.

OP, whatever the reason your baby daddy is out of the picture,you should NEVER be dating any man with the objective that the reason you are dating him is for the goal of finding a step dad for your son.

You should assume you will be a single mom rasing your son by yourself for the rest of your life.

If you want to date men and have serious relationships do it without the notion that you are doing it to find a step father for your son. The more you chase that the likelier it is you will scare men who might be open to it at some point, away.

You are totally objectifying this guy. It's all about you and what you want. Not about what he wants or doesn't want.

Other than sex, what do you even bring to the table? Independent of your needing a step father for your child, why do you think a man this one or any one, be willing to commit to you? What are they getting out of it? It really doesn't sound like you have much to offer aside from your own needs and unrealistic expectations.

This is crazy. Of all people, young widows do not need to go through life assuming they’ll never marry again. (But they also shouldn’t be playing house with a boy toy either.)

Just because a single mom gets married doesn't impose any obligation on the guy she marries to be a surrogate father to prior children she might have. Assuming that she's entitled to that from pretty much any guy she decides she likes is simply not realistic. OP is obviously not deeply bonded to the guy she's dating at all, and he is aware of that. She just sees a wallet to plunder and calculated that plenty of sex would get him to open it freely for her and her kid. Now she's made that he can see what she is really all about.

You are projecting like crazy because you consume aborrhent incel/MGTOW content and it’s wormed into your brain. She’s not a single mother, she’s a widow. And she is not asking for him to be a step dad, she’s asking for the bare minimum commitment of “bf/gf”. Which it’s way too late to negotiate for on her own terms since she gave up everything without requiring commitment first, but I digress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once again a woman with a proven track record of bad relationship decisions just doesn't get that the problem is herself.

OP if you actually loved him, you would have told him that. You don't love him. He's just a wallet to you. You want to manipulate the labels and the I love yous in a way you think will get you what you think you want: marriage, a step daddy, and access to step daddy's resources.

He is hesitant to call you his girlfriend because he is suspicious that you are insincere and inauthentic but has been giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Please move on so he can be free to meet a woman who might actually be worth his time. You are not.

(It’s kind of creepy how you keep using the word “step-daddy.” And OP is a widow. And you think the man in question at 47 hasn’t made “bad relationship decisions” or as some might call them - human decisions in life as we all continue to live and learn and grow?)

[Anonymous]

Six months is not very long. It's odd that you would need a label. It more odd that you somehow know he has commitment issues. Someone who announces that they have commitment issues ... is playing the victim, s broken in some way. Doesn't matter "the why", it's odd.

[Anonymous]

stop taking birth control and get pregnant on purpose … “whoops!” 😜 now he’s yours forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this guy is going to be blindsided. If you've met family and seen his financials, wow, that's a lot of trust right there.

Be kind. This is going to really suck for both of you. Maybe you could try a cooling off, no date period to see if he will commit, if it's that serious.

I definitely plan to handle things delicately. I don’t know if he will be blindsided or not. I have communicated that the lack of labels bothers me. I agree he has been open with me. I consider us to have a lot of intimacy. I have attempted to reciprocate that openness by allowing him to see my full life with my kid, which I’ve never done before.

He's 47 he's been through this type of manipulative conduct by women before. Try it and he will be long gone. Then you can waste more time on your next relationship which you cause to implode.

What is wrong with you OP?

You should be happy you have a guy you are so compatible with who gets along with your kid.

The only thing wrong is your unrealistic expectations that he owes you a label, owes you being a step daddy, owes you anything. Look you are talking about blowing up the relationship right now. Of course he was right to be careful about committing to you. You are.kinda nutty aren't you?

Dude. You have serious issues.