Starting to feel uncomfortable

[Anonymous]

I've been dating a man for 6 months. He's welcomed me into his life with open arms. We see each other non-stop, have great sex, and a nice friendship. He has commitment issues however, and has not "defined the relationship". I normally never wait this long for such a thing. After a few months, I'm out. This has gone on so long because I like this man a LOT. Our day to day is so joy filled and we resolve conflict very easily. But the lack of definition is eating at my comfort level/self esteem. We've talked about labels in the past and he says he cares for me a lot but his finances are in flux and he doesn't want a committed relationship while things are in flux. From my perspective through our behavior we are in a committed relationship. Anyways, I'm feeling uncomfortable. I don't want to fall deeper if it's not going anywhere. Do I talk about my discomfort? He does not know that at this point I love him. Or just end it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been dating a man for 6 months. He's welcomed me into his life with open arms. We see each other non-stop, have great sex, and a nice friendship. He has commitment issues however, and has not "defined the relationship". I normally never wait this long for such a thing. After a few months, I'm out. This has gone on so long because I like this man a LOT. Our day to day is so joy filled and we resolve conflict very easily. But the lack of definition is eating at my comfort level/self esteem. We've talked about labels in the past and he says he cares for me a lot but his finances are in flux and he doesn't want a committed relationship while things are in flux. From my perspective through our behavior we are in a committed relationship. Anyways, I'm feeling uncomfortable. I don't want to fall deeper if it's not going anywhere. Do I talk about my discomfort? He does not know that at this point I love him. Or just end it?

Since you really like this guy, you could tell him that you really enjoy what you have together but for your peace of mind, you want to be in an exclusive relationship, committed relationship. If he can't say yes, then tell him it's going to be too hard for you and for him to call you when he feels ready to be in one. Then leave and try to truly be open to other people after giving yourself some time to grieve.

[Anonymous]

End it. He’s been very upfront, but he’s kind of love-bombing you at the same time. This man has all the perks of an intimate relationship with you without any of the commitment. And you are giving it away - free and clear. But he can always claim “Hey, I was upfront from the start.” No way he will commit, EVER, but you will get in deeper.

Definitely end it!

[Anonymous]

He’s not that in to you.

[Anonymous]

If you haven't been asking for commitment like getting engaged or moving in,then he probably just wants to be able to see other women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:End it. He’s been very upfront, but he’s kind of love-bombing you at the same time. This man has all the perks of an intimate relationship with you without any of the commitment. And you are giving it away - free and clear. But he can always claim “Hey, I was upfront from the start.” No way he will commit, EVER, but you will get in deeper.

Definitely end it!

I'm not sure it's love-bombing. We've actually had some pretty rough patches where I went through two sudden deaths and was a wreck, and he really went above and beyond to be there for me. He is also extremely supportive in general in ways that are not convenient.

I agree he has all the perks of a committed relationship. The problem for me is that I have all the perks too. And for the first time I have those perks with someone who is really easy to be around and meets all my needs very well, except for a title. I've dated around plenty and I've been in committed relationships before. In those committed relationships my needs are never completely met, there is always some major compromising.

At the end of the day, you are right. I need to just end things. I just have a hard time believing I'm going to find someone so easy to be around again.

[Anonymous]

6 months more doesn't seem like a long time unless you have real bio clock issues (32+). (Which do require respect.) Choose the decision month at a good time for you so you can move on to other positive things if you need to (summer vacation, not your birthday month, etc.).

If you really like him, why not say...."let's take 6 more months and figure this out." Ask him if he can be exclusive for that time. I think that's transactionally reasonable since you have an intimate relationship already.

Comment: finances are hard to fix in less than 1 year time buckets. Can you help him solve the issues somehow? Resume reader? Networking? New business marketing campaign?

It probably won't hurt more in 6 months to break up than now. In fact, you might move through the crush phase if he clearly begins to show more signs of cold feet.

Don't say I Love You until he's decided. Showing and not telling feels almost as loving while not adding pressure to a guy who is not sure if he's ready to marry. And may help you detach if you have to.

Best of luck for a happy outcome.

[Anonymous]

Poster above. I mean sexually exclusive but not committed if that wasn't clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been dating a man for 6 months. He's welcomed me into his life with open arms. We see each other non-stop, have great sex, and a nice friendship. He has commitment issues however, and has not "defined the relationship". I normally never wait this long for such a thing. After a few months, I'm out. This has gone on so long because I like this man a LOT. Our day to day is so joy filled and we resolve conflict very easily. But the lack of definition is eating at my comfort level/self esteem. We've talked about labels in the past and he says he cares for me a lot but his finances are in flux and he doesn't want a committed relationship while things are in flux. From my perspective through our behavior we are in a committed relationship. Anyways, I'm feeling uncomfortable. I don't want to fall deeper if it's not going anywhere. Do I talk about my discomfort? He does not know that at this point I love him. Or just end it?

How old are you and him? Any kids?

[Anonymous]

OP here. To answer questions and add more context. We are sexually exclusive, but he does not want to call each other bf/gf. I have a 6 year old son from a prior marriage (widow). He is 47 with no kids and doesn’t want to have any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To answer questions and add more context. We are sexually exclusive, but he does not want to call each other bf/gf. I have a 6 year old son from a prior marriage (widow). He is 47 with no kids and doesn’t want to have any.

Well if he's sexually exclusive I'm not sure I see a problem. Why is it important to be called girlfriend? What does he call you now?

[Anonymous]

So you’re a couple and act like a couple but he just doesn’t want to call you his girlfriend?
I’m not sure I understand the issue.
It would make sense to me if you were young with no kids and looking to get married and start a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you’re a couple and act like a couple but he just doesn’t want to call you his girlfriend?
I’m not sure I understand the issue.
It would make sense to me if you were young with no kids and looking to get married and start a family.

OP here. The hesitancy just doesn’t point to good things in the future to me. While more kids aren’t a consideration I do hope to live together and remarry. I’m experiencing major cognitive dissonance given how very rare and special our connection feels and his reluctance to put a title on things.

[Anonymous]

Man here. Who cares about labels. He said he's financially unstable currently. If you were boyfriend/girlfriend, you'd be complaining your bf is financially unstable anyway.

He's good to you. You enjoy being together. He's even being exclusive. What more do you need?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you’re a couple and act like a couple but he just doesn’t want to call you his girlfriend?
I’m not sure I understand the issue.
It would make sense to me if you were young with no kids and looking to get married and start a family.

OP here. The hesitancy just doesn’t point to good things in the future to me. While more kids aren’t a consideration I do hope to live together and remarry. I’m experiencing major cognitive dissonance given how very rare and special our connection feels and his reluctance to put a title on things.

I think you are really shooting yourself in the foot here.