Starting to feel uncomfortable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s the financial instability that is a major red flag for me, especially since he’s 47.

That, combined with his not being willing to call you his girlfriend. I understand not wanting to use labels, but also after 6 months and the relationship isn’t exclusive, seems like the label is kind of de facto. Why the resistance? What’s the label have to do with financial instability?

OP, I get it that you have a strong connection with this guy, but it sounds like he is not going to be able to give you any kind of security - financial or otherwise. I think it’s time to move on.

If he is divorced or recently divorced the financial instability thing is more easily understood

[Anonymous]

Ask him if he would rather go through life with his own place to live vs. shacking up (and being a stepfather). If you are never going to be satisfied with separate living arrangements and he is committed to maintaining them, then that is the issue, not labels. But maybe you are both happy with these living arrangements, in which case there’s no reason to pull the plug on a good, steadily strengthening relationship.

[Anonymous]

It could be the widow thing, honestly. No one wants to feel like they are competing with a ghost.

[Anonymous]

OP is experiencing cognitive dissonance because her lovey-dovey picture of life with this man doesn't include her son. Where he fits in their future is the issue. No one wants to bring a reluctant step into their kid's life (if this even goes thst far.)

You should end it. You want something different than he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been dating a man for 6 months. He's welcomed me into his life with open arms. We see each other non-stop, have great sex, and a nice friendship. He has commitment issues however, and has not "defined the relationship". I normally never wait this long for such a thing. After a few months, I'm out. This has gone on so long because I like this man a LOT. Our day to day is so joy filled and we resolve conflict very easily. But the lack of definition is eating at my comfort level/self esteem. We've talked about labels in the past and he says he cares for me a lot but his finances are in flux and he doesn't want a committed relationship while things are in flux. From my perspective through our behavior we are in a committed relationship. Anyways, I'm feeling uncomfortable. I don't want to fall deeper if it's not going anywhere. Do I talk about my discomfort? He does not know that at this point I love him. Or just end it?

Your mutual behavior tells you you are in a committed relationship but you need the words. No wonder you are a serial monogamist.

?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s the financial instability that is a major red flag for me, especially since he’s 47.

That, combined with his not being willing to call you his girlfriend. I understand not wanting to use labels, but also after 6 months and the relationship isn’t exclusive, seems like the label is kind of de facto. Why the resistance? What’s the label have to do with financial instability?

OP, I get it that you have a strong connection with this guy, but it sounds like he is not going to be able to give you any kind of security - financial or otherwise. I think it’s time to move on.

+100, exactly what PP said. If he doesn’t want to take you off the market, so to speak, by even saying you are bf/gf, I don’t see this ending well.

[Anonymous]

What is this post. No, of course you don’t stay with a man who is using you for sex when you have a young child. OP, have some self-respect.

Btw, my response would be completely different if OP was looking for a casual sexual relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here. Who cares about labels. He said he's financially unstable currently. If you were boyfriend/girlfriend, you'd be complaining your bf is financially unstable anyway.

He's good to you. You enjoy being together. He's even being exclusive. What more do you need?

OP here. I really appreciate the male perspective. I absolutely would not complain about his finances. I look at him as a serious potential partner. There are ups and downs in life. I want him to be vulnerable and trust that I can be supportive during hard times. I also have a son to think about. They get along very well. I just want to know that he has a desire to really give this a shot. That doesn’t mean jumping straight to marriage, but it’s good to progress forward along the way.

Looks like he is declining your attempt to promote him from f buddy to step daddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the financial instability that is a major red flag for me, especially since he’s 47.

That, combined with his not being willing to call you his girlfriend. I understand not wanting to use labels, but also after 6 months and the relationship isn’t exclusive, seems like the label is kind of de facto. Why the resistance? What’s the label have to do with financial instability?

OP, I get it that you have a strong connection with this guy, but it sounds like he is not going to be able to give you any kind of security - financial or otherwise. I think it’s time to move on.

+100, exactly what PP said. If he doesn’t want to take you off the market, so to speak, by even saying you are bf/gf, I don’t see this ending well.

NP. I think I agree with this.

Let me get this straight (and there is no judgment, just trying to clarify): you have a sexual relationship, are sexually exclusive, spend a significant portion of free time with each other on a regular basis, support each other emotionally through hard circumstances, and have met and spent time with each other's family and friends. What else is left that doesn't make you boyfriend and girlfriend?

OP, is he perfectly fine with you dating other men (without sexual involvement), as in still being on online dating aps, and being known to friends (who might be able to set you up) as available? I mean, if he is not your boyfriend, is he okay with you still looking for a boyfriend with the presumption that this relationship is over if you become interested in another man and want to pursue that?

If he is okay with that, and you can be open about looking elsewhere, then I kind of understand it? I mean, it's not what I'm into, but it's logically consistent. But if all that listed above is true AND you either explicitly or otherwise pretty clearly are not supposed to be looking at other men with interest and plans potentially to pursue ... then you are his girlfriend.

I know it sounds like everything is going well, but I'd be really, really skeptical of someone who has a need that you must respect but are unable to name. As someone above said, that is exactly the recipe for "plausible deniability" for him -- "I never said you couldn't date anyone else! We weren't boyfriend and girlfriend, you know that!" This kind of cognitive dissonance is a power play. It really is. It's ... disturbing, in part because when it's covered in sugar and flowers, it's hard to see.

On the other hand, if he's fine with you still being "on the market" as long as you stay sexually exclusive, I think it makes sense to enjoy the relationship for what it is. I'd still absolutely encourage to keep online dating profiles up, go on first dates to see what's out there at least 2-3 times a month, and keep your options open. It is a very tangible reminder of where things actually are, and it keeps you open to someone who will want to move forward in the way that you want. Maybe. You might not find anyone you like, but you might -- and apparently that is your right, as you are not dating this guy as his girlfriend, right?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he has zero interest in ever marrying or being a stepparent.

[Anonymous]

He is a middle age, unmarried, financially unstable person not interested in a committed relationship or becoming a step father.

If you want to live your life as it is with him as a friend with benefits, he is good for that. If you want a husband and a father, move on.

No matter what sort of relationship you decide upon, honest and open communication is important.

[Anonymous]

OP - please see that YOU have agency here and YOU need to make decisions that align with what you want and what is best for you and your family.

Your own actions are creating cognitive dissonance- because you are acting committed towards a man (and continuing to engage in behavior - spending time, having sex etc - that strengthens attachment) without the base level mutual agreement about what container the relationship is.

You are confusing yourself because your actions are out of alignment with what you say you want. Don’t cede your agency over your own life and actions. Stop sleeping with him and attaching to him. Only when you expect more for yourself will you stop letting in people who are only “partially right” for you. You like the feel good parts of this connection, but he’s not the only dude who you can feel that about.

Stop telling yourself that what you have is so rare and special - this narrative / storyline is making it harder for you to let go and see that it’s not really what you want. What about “I am capable of intimacy and will meet men who are at my level”?

Also - you are two grown adults. Agreeing on what your relationship is a basic, threshold topic. Your desire to talk about this openly is normal. A person who really wants to be with you will make that clear - in words and actions.

Have you thought that perhaps YOU have “commitment issues” (ie don’t want something more serious than what you have) because you are continuing to be with him?

[Anonymous]

Two things jump out at me:

"We see each other non-stop"
Your child should come first. What is your child doing while you're hanging out with your bf?

"his finances are in flux"
Stay the he** away from any commitment that involves finances, like sharing a home. Being a single mother already puts you in a precarious financial situation. Also, by 47, most people should be financially stable so this is a big red flag for me because it suggests deeper issues with him.

[Anonymous]

Could he be possibly using the money issues as an excuse OP?

I personally feel that after six (GOOD!) mos together, you two should be at a point where you should be able to know if you are ready to form a true commitment to each other.

I mean it shouldn’t take an entire yr for that!

I would be direct & tell him that at this point you really want to be exclusive and see how he reacts.

You can stress to him that if he cannot commit to you, then you will have to walk away

However only tell him this if you have the willpower to actually do it.

Wishing you the best❣️

[Anonymous]

Honestly... I know things happen, life is full of surprises etc., but single with no kids is playing financial life on the easiest possible setting. And to be financially unstable at 47 is a problem. He has 20 working years left, at best, which is not necessarily going to be enough if he's in a bad place right now.

You say yourself he has commitment issues. I would break up. He's just not going to be the person you're looking for.