Starting to feel uncomfortable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once again a woman with a proven track record of bad relationship decisions just doesn't get that the problem is herself.

OP if you actually loved him, you would have told him that. You don't love him. He's just a wallet to you. You want to manipulate the labels and the I love yous in a way you think will get you what you think you want: marriage, a step daddy, and access to step daddy's resources.

He is hesitant to call you his girlfriend because he is suspicious that you are insincere and inauthentic but has been giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Please move on so he can be free to meet a woman who might actually be worth his time. You are not.

She’s a widow. You are awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't want a boyfriend. You want this guy to commit to being your son's step parent. Its obvious. He doesn't want to be nor should he have to be. You're using the boyfriend label just to force the momentum of the relationship to a place where you believe he will be unable to extricate himself.

Essentially you are trying to emotionally blackmail a perfectly nice guy to be what you want him to be and to fulfill your needs.

This is the problem with dating single moms. It always comes to this.

OP, whatever the reason your baby daddy is out of the picture,you should NEVER be dating any man with the objective that the reason you are dating him is for the goal of finding a step dad for your son.

You should assume you will be a single mom rasing your son by yourself for the rest of your life.

If you want to date men and have serious relationships do it without the notion that you are doing it to find a step father for your son. The more you chase that the likelier it is you will scare men who might be open to it at some point, away.

You are totally objectifying this guy. It's all about you and what you want. Not about what he wants or doesn't want.

Other than sex, what do you even bring to the table? Independent of your needing a step father for your child, why do you think a man this one or any one, be willing to commit to you? What are they getting out of it? It really doesn't sound like you have much to offer aside from your own needs and unrealistic expectations.

This is crazy. Of all people, young widows do not need to go through life assuming they’ll never marry again. (But they also shouldn’t be playing house with a boy toy either.)

Just because a single mom gets married doesn't impose any obligation on the guy she marries to be a surrogate father to prior children she might have. Assuming that she's entitled to that from pretty much any guy she decides she likes is simply not realistic. OP is obviously not deeply bonded to the guy she's dating at all, and he is aware of that. She just sees a wallet to plunder and calculated that plenty of sex would get him to open it freely for her and her kid. Now she's made that he can see what she is really all about.

You are projecting like crazy because you consume aborrhent incel/MGTOW content and it’s wormed into your brain. She’s not a single mother, she’s a widow. And she is not asking for him to be a step dad, she’s asking for the bare minimum commitment of “bf/gf”. Which it’s way too late to negotiate for on her own terms since she gave up everything without requiring commitment first, but I digress.

OP is by definition a single mom. There is no father in the picture. He died. She's single. She's a mom. What else do you think is required?

Did you not read the thread? OF COURSE her objective is for him to be a step dad. She wants to manipulate him emotionally to get him to do on her terms and her timetable. That's why forcing the girlfriend label is so important to her. If she can force him to call her that she wins her little power struggle. She can then dictate all other terms of the relationship and how it progresses. That's why she makes a point of saying she did NOT tell him she loves him. Who does that if they really love a person? OP does not love him. She is talking about saving the I love you statement as a reward for him, to manipulate him. Same way she is trying to extract the girlfriend label out of him. It's all psychological warfare as far as OP is concerned. There is not a sincere bone in her body. He can feel that lack of sincerity which is why he is not all in. OP is a phony. He can smell it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't want a boyfriend. You want this guy to commit to being your son's step parent. Its obvious. He doesn't want to be nor should he have to be. You're using the boyfriend label just to force the momentum of the relationship to a place where you believe he will be unable to extricate himself.

Essentially you are trying to emotionally blackmail a perfectly nice guy to be what you want him to be and to fulfill your needs.

This is the problem with dating single moms. It always comes to this.

OP, whatever the reason your baby daddy is out of the picture,you should NEVER be dating any man with the objective that the reason you are dating him is for the goal of finding a step dad for your son.

You should assume you will be a single mom rasing your son by yourself for the rest of your life.

If you want to date men and have serious relationships do it without the notion that you are doing it to find a step father for your son. The more you chase that the likelier it is you will scare men who might be open to it at some point, away.

You are totally objectifying this guy. It's all about you and what you want. Not about what he wants or doesn't want.

Other than sex, what do you even bring to the table? Independent of your needing a step father for your child, why do you think a man this one or any one, be willing to commit to you? What are they getting out of it? It really doesn't sound like you have much to offer aside from your own needs and unrealistic expectations.

This is crazy. Of all people, young widows do not need to go through life assuming they’ll never marry again. (But they also shouldn’t be playing house with a boy toy either.)

Just because a single mom gets married doesn't impose any obligation on the guy she marries to be a surrogate father to prior children she might have. Assuming that she's entitled to that from pretty much any guy she decides she likes is simply not realistic. OP is obviously not deeply bonded to the guy she's dating at all, and he is aware of that. She just sees a wallet to plunder and calculated that plenty of sex would get him to open it freely for her and her kid. Now she's made that he can see what she is really all about.

Do men seriously marry women with young children and not think they will need to be a father figure to them?

[Anonymous]

This seems like a silly problem for two adult people in a supposedly good relationship.

You’ve been together for six months and for all intents and purposes are a committed couple. You’ve met each other’s families, he’s shown you his financial records, you’re sexually exclusive, he’s been there for you.

You (allegedly) don’t care right now about living together or marriage. You just want him to call you his “girlfriend”.

He seems to see everything beyond your current state as a big step that he’s not ready for, and he seems to see calling you his girlfriend at the same level as moving in together.

I kind of feel like if you weren’t hung up on the “girlfriend” thing, you’d both be at the same place in six months—a boyfriend/girlfriend who are moving in together.

Also, I’ve noticed that you haven’t given us your age, despite being asked. Aren’t you guys too old to be calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend anyway? What does he call you to his friends? What do his friends think you are to him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once again a woman with a proven track record of bad relationship decisions just doesn't get that the problem is herself.

OP if you actually loved him, you would have told him that. You don't love him. He's just a wallet to you. You want to manipulate the labels and the I love yous in a way you think will get you what you think you want: marriage, a step daddy, and access to step daddy's resources.

He is hesitant to call you his girlfriend because he is suspicious that you are insincere and inauthentic but has been giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Please move on so he can be free to meet a woman who might actually be worth his time. You are not.

She’s a widow. You are awful.

Read ops first post in which she describes herself as hopping from one guys bed to the next in fairly rapid succession. Current guy is merely the latest in a long line of f buddy's. The fact that she's a widow doesn't give her a pass on her poor choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:End it. He’s been very upfront, but he’s kind of love-bombing you at the same time. This man has all the perks of an intimate relationship with you without any of the commitment. And you are giving it away - free and clear. But he can always claim “Hey, I was upfront from the start.” No way he will commit, EVER, but you will get in deeper.

Definitely end it!

yes, from a traditional female perspective, this is a transaction and you are giving away the goods to cheap.

time to raise the price.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s not that in to you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once again a woman with a proven track record of bad relationship decisions just doesn't get that the problem is herself.

OP if you actually loved him, you would have told him that. You don't love him. He's just a wallet to you. You want to manipulate the labels and the I love yous in a way you think will get you what you think you want: marriage, a step daddy, and access to step daddy's resources.

He is hesitant to call you his girlfriend because he is suspicious that you are insincere and inauthentic but has been giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Please move on so he can be free to meet a woman who might actually be worth his time. You are not.

She’s a widow. You are awful.

Read ops first post in which she describes herself as hopping from one guys bed to the next in fairly rapid succession. Current guy is merely the latest in a long line of f buddy's. The fact that she's a widow doesn't give her a pass on her poor choices.

She does not say that at all. I just read it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems like a silly problem for two adult people in a supposedly good relationship.

You’ve been together for six months and for all intents and purposes are a committed couple. You’ve met each other’s families, he’s shown you his financial records, you’re sexually exclusive, he’s been there for you.

You (allegedly) don’t care right now about living together or marriage. You just want him to call you his “girlfriend”.

He seems to see everything beyond your current state as a big step that he’s not ready for, and he seems to see calling you his girlfriend at the same level as moving in together.

I kind of feel like if you weren’t hung up on the “girlfriend” thing, you’d both be at the same place in six months—a boyfriend/girlfriend who are moving in together.

Also, I’ve noticed that you haven’t given us your age, despite being asked. Aren’t you guys too old to be calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend anyway? What does he call you to his friends? What do his friends think you are to him?

Agreeing w/ almost all of this. You're 6 months in. 6 months. His actions seem very committed to you. You feel kind of desperate to "close the deal". He may be feeling HUGELY pressured or smothered and you may be killing a great things w/ your focus on locking this all down. I would back waaaay off. Not break up w/ him, but just step back. Don't worry about the labels, enjoy the relationship but don't try to make anything more of it is that it is right now. Then see where you are in 6 monhts.

I'm a woman, who waited 2 years for my boyfriend to propose (and we were 40!!) and it almost killed me - but I had to just wait until he was ready. And he was worth it. So I'd advise you to really slow down and relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:End it. He’s been very upfront, but he’s kind of love-bombing you at the same time. This man has all the perks of an intimate relationship with you without any of the commitment. And you are giving it away - free and clear. But he can always claim “Hey, I was upfront from the start.” No way he will commit, EVER, but you will get in deeper.

Definitely end it!

yes, from a traditional female perspective, this is a transaction and you are giving away the goods to cheap.

time to raise the price.

“Giving away the goods”

Well guys, women have figured out that they are only good for sex. Was good while it lasted.

[Anonymous]

I had a never-married work friend who lived with her retired divorced boyfriend for many years in her 30s. She got accidentally pregnant. They decided to marry because of the baby. It all worked out well and everyone in the family was happy for the time that I knew them. She used to joke with me: "Is 9 years long enough to truly know somebody?" I thought that was hilarious. But it communicates the point well that people have very different standards of internal timing.

OP, you sound like a great person, very fun, thoughtful, and reflective...however it is slightly telling that you described being a bf/gf as "interviewing for a job". You may be unintentionally pressuring more than you realize due to your concern about figuring this all out.

I would let some more men assess this situation. You may still get split feedback but closer to the actual mindset of this guy. You cannot talk someone out of their beliefs on what it means to be a provider or spouse.

[Anonymous]

Oh...and...big musical theater nerd here...this discussion reminds me of the plot of Pippin.

Pippin (70s/80s movie version) is on Amazon. It's about a guy's quest for the meaning of life...and along the way he meets a widow and a small boy...

I am a sucker for Happy Ever Afters...you might try it and see what you think. Even if not relevant to you, it is from the guy's perspective...and the songs are catchy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems like a silly problem for two adult people in a supposedly good relationship.

You’ve been together for six months and for all intents and purposes are a committed couple. You’ve met each other’s families, he’s shown you his financial records, you’re sexually exclusive, he’s been there for you.

You (allegedly) don’t care right now about living together or marriage. You just want him to call you his “girlfriend”.

He seems to see everything beyond your current state as a big step that he’s not ready for, and he seems to see calling you his girlfriend at the same level as moving in together.

I kind of feel like if you weren’t hung up on the “girlfriend” thing, you’d both be at the same place in six months—a boyfriend/girlfriend who are moving in together.

Also, I’ve noticed that you haven’t given us your age, despite being asked. Aren’t you guys too old to be calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend anyway? What does he call you to his friends? What do his friends think you are to him?

Agreeing w/ almost all of this. You're 6 months in. 6 months. His actions seem very committed to you. You feel kind of desperate to "close the deal". He may be feeling HUGELY pressured or smothered and you may be killing a great things w/ your focus on locking this all down. I would back waaaay off. Not break up w/ him, but just step back. Don't worry about the labels, enjoy the relationship but don't try to make anything more of it is that it is right now. Then see where you are in 6 monhts.

I'm a woman, who waited 2 years for my boyfriend to propose (and we were 40!!) and it almost killed me - but I had to just wait until he was ready. And he was worth it. So I'd advise you to really slow down and relax.

Yeah, but OP is not waiting for a proposal. She's just waiting to be called his girlfriend. How long did you date your now DH before he called you his girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems like a silly problem for two adult people in a supposedly good relationship.

You’ve been together for six months and for all intents and purposes are a committed couple. You’ve met each other’s families, he’s shown you his financial records, you’re sexually exclusive, he’s been there for you.

You (allegedly) don’t care right now about living together or marriage. You just want him to call you his “girlfriend”.

He seems to see everything beyond your current state as a big step that he’s not ready for, and he seems to see calling you his girlfriend at the same level as moving in together.

I kind of feel like if you weren’t hung up on the “girlfriend” thing, you’d both be at the same place in six months—a boyfriend/girlfriend who are moving in together.

Also, I’ve noticed that you haven’t given us your age, despite being asked. Aren’t you guys too old to be calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend anyway? What does he call you to his friends? What do his friends think you are to him?

Agreeing w/ almost all of this. You're 6 months in. 6 months. His actions seem very committed to you. You feel kind of desperate to "close the deal". He may be feeling HUGELY pressured or smothered and you may be killing a great things w/ your focus on locking this all down. I would back waaaay off. Not break up w/ him, but just step back. Don't worry about the labels, enjoy the relationship but don't try to make anything more of it is that it is right now. Then see where you are in 6 monhts.

I'm a woman, who waited 2 years for my boyfriend to propose (and we were 40!!) and it almost killed me - but I had to just wait until he was ready. And he was worth it. So I'd advise you to really slow down and relax.

Yeah, but OP is not waiting for a proposal. She's just waiting to be called his girlfriend. How long did you date your now DH before he called you his girlfriend?

Exactly. My last few relationships we hit bf/gf status shortly after sleeping together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s the financial instability that is a major red flag for me, especially since he’s 47.

That, combined with his not being willing to call you his girlfriend. I understand not wanting to use labels, but also after 6 months and the relationship isn’t exclusive, seems like the label is kind of de facto. Why the resistance? What’s the label have to do with financial instability?

OP, I get it that you have a strong connection with this guy, but it sounds like he is not going to be able to give you any kind of security - financial or otherwise. I think it’s time to move on.

Agree