Starting to feel uncomfortable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s not that in to you.

And curious what he means his finances are in flux.

[Anonymous]

You haven’t told him that you love him so maybe that’s a starting point. What is behind his being financially in flux? Some people are like this all the time which would be a non starter for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the financial instability that is a major red flag for me, especially since he’s 47.

That, combined with his not being willing to call you his girlfriend. I understand not wanting to use labels, but also after 6 months and the relationship isn’t exclusive, seems like the label is kind of de facto. Why the resistance? What’s the label have to do with financial instability?

OP, I get it that you have a strong connection with this guy, but it sounds like he is not going to be able to give you any kind of security - financial or otherwise. I think it’s time to move on.

If he is divorced or recently divorced the financial instability thing is more easily understood

Maybe he’s not yet separated or legally divorced

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could he be possibly using the money issues as an excuse OP?

I personally feel that after six (GOOD!) mos together, you two should be at a point where you should be able to know if you are ready to form a true commitment to each other.

I mean it shouldn’t take an entire yr for that!

I would be direct & tell him that at this point you really want to be exclusive and see how he reacts.

You can stress to him that if he cannot commit to you, then you will have to walk away

However only tell him this if you have the willpower to actually do it.

Wishing you the best❣️

OP - you don’t need to leave the ball in his court. He has told you where he is at. He doesn’t need another (3rd? 4th ?) chance. Leave the situationship.

[Anonymous]

I find all this advice pro and con very interesting and sort of well-reasoned on both sides but I don't understand (as a woman) how somebody can decide whether they are on a marriage track in six months. That's barely scratching the surface of getting to know someone. I'd say people can fake being better people than they actually are for far, far longer than that. I've also watched a lot of grey divorces happen lately so feel you don't want to be hasty on the front end.

I am not a child of divorce but my observation is that if the primary attachment is strong and the DC can accept that mom dates/has friends, it's not irresponsible to have children meet their parents' friends (in a tasteful fashion, of course). Just don't encourage any "new dad" fantasies until a marriage decision has been made. And in this case, due to bereavement, it is possible that there is not the risk of a daily emotional loyalty conflict between a bio dad and mom's new person to create upset. That's a helpful situation, if true.

I have had Russian male friends who were raised by single moms who turned out just fine without a dad because it was more normal there. The kid adapts to what the mom conveys is normal. Mom (hopefully along with grandma's help) is enough to raise a happy child. Our American media culture tells us otherwise but that's because severe poverty is conflated with a lot of American single motherhood.

Have to say this...if I was feeling unsure or wanted to give a relationship some time to grow...and they pulled a "'Rules girl" approach on me, I'd take it as a sign that this person was too impatient for me.

I think this OP needs more advice from men. Women tend to be more commitment-oriented so are biased in that direction (insist on it, walk now, etc.)

I have an uncle who has never married. His college girlfriend came back after two husbands for a 15+ year stretch (unmarried) then dumped him again to marry a better option. Example of how there can be a strong tie without getting all the way to married. I guess that's my example of a cautionary tale. Though at retirement age, there were benefit reasons not to marry. Only OP can really figure out the reasons for this guy's slow walking and how much of a dealbreaker they are.

Be kind to yourself OP. You have your eyes open, make sure you keep your mind open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two things jump out at me:

"We see each other non-stop"
Your child should come first. What is your child doing while you're hanging out with your bf?

"his finances are in flux"
Stay the he** away from any commitment that involves finances, like sharing a home. Being a single mother already puts you in a precarious financial situation. Also, by 47, most people should be financially stable so this is a big red flag for me because it suggests deeper issues with him.

OP here. Thanks everyone for your feedback. I am going to end things.

With respect to my son, I haven't seen signs that he struggles with that. He initiatives doing family friendly activities with my son on a regular basis and seems to really enjoy it. He is very hands on in this area.

He is not financially irresponsible. He owns his own business and had a bad year. We have walked through his finances and I consider them to be in a good spot, but he is more financially conservative than me and has been putting all this pressure on himself about how much he should be able to provide in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two things jump out at me:

"We see each other non-stop"
Your child should come first. What is your child doing while you're hanging out with your bf?

"his finances are in flux"
Stay the he** away from any commitment that involves finances, like sharing a home. Being a single mother already puts you in a precarious financial situation. Also, by 47, most people should be financially stable so this is a big red flag for me because it suggests deeper issues with him.

OP here. Thanks everyone for your feedback. I am going to end things.

With respect to my son, I haven't seen signs that he struggles with that. He initiatives doing family friendly activities with my son on a regular basis and seems to really enjoy it. He is very hands on in this area.

He is not financially irresponsible. He owns his own business and had a bad year. We have walked through his finances and I consider them to be in a good spot, but he is more financially conservative than me and has been putting all this pressure on himself about how much he should be able to provide in the future.

OP: instead of ending things, can you tell him you are ok with just being FWB and seeing each other once a week after a nice restaurant date? And both of you are free dating others? I would totally go for it, while looking for someone new, instead of loosing a lover. But that's me: I need regular sex and don't like hooups while dating

[Anonymous]

Think about your needs, and communicate them.

You said you love him, so you need to take his temperature at this point.

If he does not see a clear end to this grey zone…then you probably need to move on (but not without a serious conversation).

Good luck (which does not mean you should end up with him, but you deserve to have your feelings reciprocated).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two things jump out at me:

"We see each other non-stop"
Your child should come first. What is your child doing while you're hanging out with your bf?

"his finances are in flux"
Stay the he** away from any commitment that involves finances, like sharing a home. Being a single mother already puts you in a precarious financial situation. Also, by 47, most people should be financially stable so this is a big red flag for me because it suggests deeper issues with him.

OP here. Thanks everyone for your feedback. I am going to end things.

With respect to my son, I haven't seen signs that he struggles with that. He initiatives doing family friendly activities with my son on a regular basis and seems to really enjoy it. He is very hands on in this area.

He is not financially irresponsible. He owns his own business and had a bad year. We have walked through his finances and I consider them to be in a good spot, but he is more financially conservative than me and has been putting all this pressure on himself about how much he should be able to provide in the future.

If you are seeing each other non-stop, having sex and have woven him into your kid’s life, with no inkling of commitment…you rushed things.

In the future, take it more slowly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two things jump out at me:

"We see each other non-stop"
Your child should come first. What is your child doing while you're hanging out with your bf?

"his finances are in flux"
Stay the he** away from any commitment that involves finances, like sharing a home. Being a single mother already puts you in a precarious financial situation. Also, by 47, most people should be financially stable so this is a big red flag for me because it suggests deeper issues with him.

OP here. Thanks everyone for your feedback. I am going to end things.

With respect to my son, I haven't seen signs that he struggles with that. He initiatives doing family friendly activities with my son on a regular basis and seems to really enjoy it. He is very hands on in this area.

He is not financially irresponsible. He owns his own business and had a bad year. We have walked through his finances and I consider them to be in a good spot, but he is more financially conservative than me and has been putting all this pressure on himself about how much he should be able to provide in the future.

OP: instead of ending things, can you tell him you are ok with just being FWB and seeing each other once a week after a nice restaurant date? And both of you are free dating others? I would totally go for it, while looking for someone new, instead of loosing a lover. But that's me: I need regular sex and don't like hooups while dating

Not OP but having introduced a mere FWB to your 6 year old kid is a nightmare. Better off just making a clean break and dumping him out of your lives altogether.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two things jump out at me:

"We see each other non-stop"
Your child should come first. What is your child doing while you're hanging out with your bf?

"his finances are in flux"
Stay the he** away from any commitment that involves finances, like sharing a home. Being a single mother already puts you in a precarious financial situation. Also, by 47, most people should be financially stable so this is a big red flag for me because it suggests deeper issues with him.

OP here. Thanks everyone for your feedback. I am going to end things.

With respect to my son, I haven't seen signs that he struggles with that. He initiatives doing family friendly activities with my son on a regular basis and seems to really enjoy it. He is very hands on in this area.

He is not financially irresponsible. He owns his own business and had a bad year. We have walked through his finances and I consider them to be in a good spot, but he is more financially conservative than me and has been putting all this pressure on himself about how much he should be able to provide in the future.

I’m going to take a more positive view than others here.
You’re sexually exclusive, seeing each other all the time, you’ve met each other’s families, he’s been there for you, and he’s even gone over his finances with you. I don’t think he’s hiding something or “not into you”. I think you’re a couple, and in his mind the next step is something like moving in together or marrying, and he feels that he’s not currently stable enough to provide for you. He probably thinks it’s all fine because you’re happy, and there’s no rush because you’re both older, doesn’t realize that you need more reassurance. If everything is as great as you say, you should be able to sit him down and talk about this.

[Anonymous]

As PP stated, he’s just not that into you. 6 months is enough time to commit to being a boyfriend. Listen to what he is saying. He does not want a committed relationship, he just wants the benefits of one until someone better comes along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To answer questions and add more context. We are sexually exclusive, but he does not want to call each other bf/gf. I have a 6 year old son from a prior marriage (widow). He is 47 with no kids and doesn’t want to have any.

Well if he's sexually exclusive I'm not sure I see a problem. Why is it important to be called girlfriend? What does he call you now?

'

Same. If you are sexually exclusive and seem to love and support each other, I'm not seeing any problems. Don't get hung up on words. All these guys actions are very good.

[Anonymous]

I think this guy is going to be blindsided. If you've met family and seen his financials, wow, that's a lot of trust right there.

Be kind. This is going to really suck for both of you. Maybe you could try a cooling off, no date period to see if he will commit, if it's that serious.

[Anonymous]

OP my thinking is perhaps he's placing way more meaning into BF/GF definition, thinking that marriage proposal should follow which he's not ready for. I wouldn't come across that pushy but perhaps suggest him to see each other on more scheduled basis and let him know you would begin dating socially other men (while remaining sexually exclusive with him). Explain him that you feel he's taking advantage of your time, trying to sit on both chairs and that's not ok.