Raise your hand if you're a woman who out-earns her husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A Man who lives off a women’s income is a Gigilo


Porfirio Rubirosa was the most famous Gigilo in history and only dated super super rich women,

Read about him as one of most interesting men in history. Those very large and over foot long Pepper grinders at Italian restaurants are the exact size of his cock.

Which are why they are call Rubirosas. He was married five times including to the richest wife men in the world and slept with Marilyn Monroe, Ava and Zsa Zsa Garbor and Rita Haywood.

I am glad to see you women married to Gigilos I hope they “measure up”

No one is talking about gigilos or living off the wives income. The question is just about out earning. SAHDs are a different category.

That exactly what a Gigilo is. Rubirosa was a world famous race car driver he had a job, a good job. But he only married or dated even richer women. He was very good looking, hung has an exciting career that lured the women in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always out earned DH, sometimes by like 4x; right now by about 2x. That fact alone doesn’t bother me - it’s the mental load that bothers me. I am sometimes resentful because if I were a male earning what I earn, I could easily expect to have a wife that handled all the household and child-related tasks that I take on. DH is great, and does more than many, but he is not a wife.

Every bit of this is also true for me. The only thing I would add is that I feel quite shunned by most other women -- including, sadly, my own mom and my MIL. No one has ever actually told me why but based on what I glean from a variety of comments, I think it is for some that they think I have it easy and have an unfair advantage in the workplace, and for some that I am selfish and chose my own career at a cost to my children and my husband (the truth is: he chose and I picked up the pieces). I have a handful of mom friends who don't shun me but for the most part, it is a lonely existence.

Having an intense career and kids and handling most of the household work is a lonely existence? It describes 90 percent of the moms I know in DC, including myself. I’d say it’s exhausting and can be stressful but there’s also comradeship that comes from everyone being in basically the same boat.

I’m not complaining, though, because I know my DH handles more than most dads. We have very similar jobs and hours, so it’s painfully obvious whenever the home imbalance tips too far in my direction.

It’s LONELY compared to the mom who gets to have coffee and yoga classes every day with her SAHM squad
Once the kids are school age, it’s a life of leisure.

That’s a lie. My wife is very busy all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW makes more despite my many efforts to escape my GS15 job nothing pays better for my role.

I do a lot around the house but I know she wishes she could quit, but she doesn’t want to shift to a GS15 lifestyle.

The worst is I’m a very involved parent, but after trying to be the “play date” dad and “room parent “ dad, realize it has to be the mom, because it’s 99% of the time the moms and being the dad makes it hard for our kids.

I’d commiserate that taking the lead on some of the social aspects of parenting can be harder as a dad but being the default parent is a lot more than setting up playdates or volunteering in the classroom. When you say you handle a lot of the stuff around the house does that just entail standard day to day chores or are you being proactive in taking on other aspects of being the default parent without being asked to do so)

(Ie are you regularly going through your kids closets to weed out too small/worn out/weather inappropriate clothes and buying replacements? Are you personally tracking when medical/dental appointments need to be scheduled and doing so?) Are you researching summer camps/childcare/extracurricular activities and tracking sign up procedures and deadlines and filling out related paperwork? Are you regularly monitoring the kids’ school assignments and handling classroom asks to bring in materials/baked goods or dress up for themed events)?

I think most wives would be thrilled to have a husband actually taking the lead in many/most of these areas while bringing in a GS-15 salary. (Even though it tends to just be the default expectation for a similarly positioned woman whose husband out earns her).

PP who makes 3X what my DH does here, and this is what I mean by being the default parent. It's about carrying the mental load.

I do not know any fathers who handle these things. I'm sure they exist, but I've never encountered even one.

Super involved dad here, part of the issue is the mom mafia. I sprearheaded camps for a long time, but if you went to coordinate with friends it’s only the moms doing that, so I was often excluded from group chats etc — once DW took over, we were on the inside. Same with room parents in school, I was always outside of it.

Paperwork, medical appts, vax, signing up for music, sports, and enrichments — I am all over that and if DW was in charge they would do none of that (she never did anything but school growing up because they were quite poor).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always out earned DH, sometimes by like 4x; right now by about 2x. That fact alone doesn’t bother me - it’s the mental load that bothers me. I am sometimes resentful because if I were a male earning what I earn, I could easily expect to have a wife that handled all the household and child-related tasks that I take on. DH is great, and does more than many, but he is not a wife.

Every bit of this is also true for me. The only thing I would add is that I feel quite shunned by most other women -- including, sadly, my own mom and my MIL. No one has ever actually told me why but based on what I glean from a variety of comments, I think it is for some that they think I have it easy and have an unfair advantage in the workplace, and for some that I am selfish and chose my own career at a cost to my children and my husband (the truth is: he chose and I picked up the pieces). I have a handful of mom friends who don't shun me but for the most part, it is a lonely existence.

Having an intense career and kids and handling most of the household work is a lonely existence? It describes 90 percent of the moms I know in DC, including myself. I’d say it’s exhausting and can be stressful but there’s also comradeship that comes from everyone being in basically the same boat.

I’m not complaining, though, because I know my DH handles more than most dads. We have very similar jobs and hours, so it’s painfully obvious whenever the home imbalance tips too far in my direction.

It’s LONELY compared to the mom who gets to have coffee and yoga classes every day with her SAHM squad
Once the kids are school age, it’s a life of leisure.

That’s a lie. My wife is very busy all day.

Busy doesn’t mean forming lasting friendships, which taking repeated unstructured time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A Man who lives off a women’s income is a Gigilo


Porfirio Rubirosa was the most famous Gigilo in history and only dated super super rich women,

Read about him as one of most interesting men in history. Those very large and over foot long Pepper grinders at Italian restaurants are the exact size of his cock.

Which are why they are call Rubirosas. He was married five times including to the richest wife men in the world and slept with Marilyn Monroe, Ava and Zsa Zsa Garbor and Rita Haywood.

I am glad to see you women married to Gigilos I hope they “measure up”

No one is talking about gigilos or living off the wives income. The question is just about out earning. SAHDs are a different category.

That exactly what a Gigilo is. Rubirosa was a world famous race car driver he had a job, a good job. But he only married or dated even richer women. He was very good looking, hung has an exciting career that lured the women in

Freudian slip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is interesting. I'm a wife and my husband makes double what I make. I'd love to quit and SAH and we could afford it, but he doesn't believe in/wouldn't agree to a mentally and physically healthy adult not contributing to family finances once kids are school age. He does do his fair share around the house and with the kids, which is the only way we have a mostly-happy marriage.

Men who feel this way are a red flag. He’s saying he believes women should contribute 75% of the household labor and men 25%.

Almost every family ends up with the mom being the default parent. It’s easy for men to “not see” that labor and therefore pretend it doesn’t exist. These men are the leeches they’re so worried about their spouse becoming.

I'm the PP. It's much closer to 50/50 than 75/25 which is, again, the only reason it works (though admittedly I still feel salty about it sometimes). For example, I haven't made a doctor or dentist appointment, or taken either kid to said appointments, in YEARS (he has way more flexibility during the 9-5 workday so that is one of his "things") and he WFH 2-3 days a week and otherwise has a shorter commute so he does 80% of the cooking.

I don't think it's even the stress of being the sole earner (like a PP mentioned) - I think for him it's just the principal of the matter - he thinks SAHPs are only for rich people, otherwise, both parents work and both parents parent.

Anyway, I know this thread isn't about me, I just found it interesting to hear that some higher-earner wives feel like this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW makes more despite my many efforts to escape my GS15 job nothing pays better for my role.

I do a lot around the house but I know she wishes she could quit, but she doesn’t want to shift to a GS15 lifestyle.

The worst is I’m a very involved parent, but after trying to be the “play date” dad and “room parent “ dad, realize it has to be the mom, because it’s 99% of the time the moms and being the dad makes it hard for our kids.

I’d commiserate that taking the lead on some of the social aspects of parenting can be harder as a dad but being the default parent is a lot more than setting up playdates or volunteering in the classroom. When you say you handle a lot of the stuff around the house does that just entail standard day to day chores or are you being proactive in taking on other aspects of being the default parent without being asked to do so)

(Ie are you regularly going through your kids closets to weed out too small/worn out/weather inappropriate clothes and buying replacements? Are you personally tracking when medical/dental appointments need to be scheduled and doing so?) Are you researching summer camps/childcare/extracurricular activities and tracking sign up procedures and deadlines and filling out related paperwork? Are you regularly monitoring the kids’ school assignments and handling classroom asks to bring in materials/baked goods or dress up for themed events)?

I think most wives would be thrilled to have a husband actually taking the lead in many/most of these areas while bringing in a GS-15 salary. (Even though it tends to just be the default expectation for a similarly positioned woman whose husband out earns her).

PP who makes 3X what my DH does here, and this is what I mean by being the default parent. It's about carrying the mental load.

I do not know any fathers who handle these things. I'm sure they exist, but I've never encountered even one.

+1 Most men who claim to be handling an equal or predominant share of household tasks are only factoring in the more concrete/visible “grunt” jobs like laundry, dishes, or shuttling kids to activities and remain either blissfully unaware or completely dismissive of the amount of time, mental stress, and behind the scenes organization and management that (typically) women, regardless of their relative salary or professional workloads, are having to devote on a daily basis to keep the ship running on the home front and ensure the children are thriving/things aren’t falling through the cracks. (As a tip for men- if your wife is regularly having to ask you to do child-related tasks or remind you of the related details and where/when to show up for things you are probably not doing your fair share.)

I don’t know if it’s primarily biological or societal but it’s definitely something I didn’t fully comprehend or take into consideration until having kids and (as the higher earning DW) is an ongoing source of resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW makes more despite my many efforts to escape my GS15 job nothing pays better for my role.

I do a lot around the house but I know she wishes she could quit, but she doesn’t want to shift to a GS15 lifestyle.

The worst is I’m a very involved parent, but after trying to be the “play date” dad and “room parent “ dad, realize it has to be the mom, because it’s 99% of the time the moms and being the dad makes it hard for our kids.

I’d commiserate that taking the lead on some of the social aspects of parenting can be harder as a dad but being the default parent is a lot more than setting up playdates or volunteering in the classroom. When you say you handle a lot of the stuff around the house does that just entail standard day to day chores or are you being proactive in taking on other aspects of being the default parent without being asked to do so)

(Ie are you regularly going through your kids closets to weed out too small/worn out/weather inappropriate clothes and buying replacements? Are you personally tracking when medical/dental appointments need to be scheduled and doing so?) Are you researching summer camps/childcare/extracurricular activities and tracking sign up procedures and deadlines and filling out related paperwork? Are you regularly monitoring the kids’ school assignments and handling classroom asks to bring in materials/baked goods or dress up for themed events)?

I think most wives would be thrilled to have a husband actually taking the lead in many/most of these areas while bringing in a GS-15 salary. (Even though it tends to just be the default expectation for a similarly positioned woman whose husband out earns her).

PP who makes 3X what my DH does here, and this is what I mean by being the default parent. It's about carrying the mental load.

I do not know any fathers who handle these things. I'm sure they exist, but I've never encountered even one.

Super involved dad here, part of the issue is the mom mafia. I sprearheaded camps for a long time, but if you went to coordinate with friends it’s only the moms doing that, so I was often excluded from group chats etc — once DW took over, we were on the inside. Same with room parents in school, I was always outside of it.

Paperwork, medical appts, vax, signing up for music, sports, and enrichments — I am all over that and if DW was in charge they would do none of that (she never did anything but school growing up because they were quite poor).

If that’s the case it sounds like you’re doing a great job and somewhat a unicorn DH/father.

I’m not disputing the idea that being male has in some instances led you to be excluded from certain social circles or kid activities but would just note that as a working mom in an area with lots of SAHMs I’ve had similar challenges as many of the playdates/group chats /coordinating of activities etc seem to be forged in post-drop off coffees, after school hangouts, etc that aren’t feasible for me to participate in due to my work schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW makes more despite my many efforts to escape my GS15 job nothing pays better for my role.

I do a lot around the house but I know she wishes she could quit, but she doesn’t want to shift to a GS15 lifestyle.

The worst is I’m a very involved parent, but after trying to be the “play date” dad and “room parent “ dad, realize it has to be the mom, because it’s 99% of the time the moms and being the dad makes it hard for our kids.

I’d commiserate that taking the lead on some of the social aspects of parenting can be harder as a dad but being the default parent is a lot more than setting up playdates or volunteering in the classroom. When you say you handle a lot of the stuff around the house does that just entail standard day to day chores or are you being proactive in taking on other aspects of being the default parent without being asked to do so)

(Ie are you regularly going through your kids closets to weed out too small/worn out/weather inappropriate clothes and buying replacements? Are you personally tracking when medical/dental appointments need to be scheduled and doing so?) Are you researching summer camps/childcare/extracurricular activities and tracking sign up procedures and deadlines and filling out related paperwork? Are you regularly monitoring the kids’ school assignments and handling classroom asks to bring in materials/baked goods or dress up for themed events)?

I think most wives would be thrilled to have a husband actually taking the lead in many/most of these areas while bringing in a GS-15 salary. (Even though it tends to just be the default expectation for a similarly positioned woman whose husband out earns her).

This. There is a lot about being a main parent than just showing up and escorting the kids. Each child basically requires a personal assistant in every aspect of life and it can be exhausting. I had a child who needed surgery for an invisible palate issue (very mild cleft but it was affecting speech). The effort just to get around insurance, being seen by cleft palate teams where everyone doesn't accept the same insurance, all the specialists and their evaluations... - it took a year and was almost a full-time job. At least that matter could be concluded after surgery. Imagine instead a child with long term special needs and that makes for unending hurdles in the parenting balance.

When my kids were finally in full-time school and old enough not to need me for almost everything, I could finally work full-time and out-earned my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always out earned DH, sometimes by like 4x; right now by about 2x. That fact alone doesn’t bother me - it’s the mental load that bothers me. I am sometimes resentful because if I were a male earning what I earn, I could easily expect to have a wife that handled all the household and child-related tasks that I take on. DH is great, and does more than many, but he is not a wife.

Every bit of this is also true for me. The only thing I would add is that I feel quite shunned by most other women -- including, sadly, my own mom and my MIL. No one has ever actually told me why but based on what I glean from a variety of comments, I think it is for some that they think I have it easy and have an unfair advantage in the workplace, and for some that I am selfish and chose my own career at a cost to my children and my husband (the truth is: he chose and I picked up the pieces). I have a handful of mom friends who don't shun me but for the most part, it is a lonely existence.

Having an intense career and kids and handling most of the household work is a lonely existence? It describes 90 percent of the moms I know in DC, including myself. I’d say it’s exhausting and can be stressful but there’s also comradeship that comes from everyone being in basically the same boat.

I’m not complaining, though, because I know my DH handles more than most dads. We have very similar jobs and hours, so it’s painfully obvious whenever the home imbalance tips too far in my direction.

It’s LONELY compared to the mom who gets to have coffee and yoga classes every day with her SAHM squad
Once the kids are school age, it’s a life of leisure.

That’s a lie. My wife is very busy all day.

Busy with what all day? What do SAH parents do when the kids are in school from 8-3 that working parents don’t manage to complete during evenings and weekends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always out earned DH, sometimes by like 4x; right now by about 2x. That fact alone doesn’t bother me - it’s the mental load that bothers me. I am sometimes resentful because if I were a male earning what I earn, I could easily expect to have a wife that handled all the household and child-related tasks that I take on. DH is great, and does more than many, but he is not a wife.

Every bit of this is also true for me. The only thing I would add is that I feel quite shunned by most other women -- including, sadly, my own mom and my MIL. No one has ever actually told me why but based on what I glean from a variety of comments, I think it is for some that they think I have it easy and have an unfair advantage in the workplace, and for some that I am selfish and chose my own career at a cost to my children and my husband (the truth is: he chose and I picked up the pieces). I have a handful of mom friends who don't shun me but for the most part, it is a lonely existence.

Having an intense career and kids and handling most of the household work is a lonely existence? It describes 90 percent of the moms I know in DC, including myself. I’d say it’s exhausting and can be stressful but there’s also comradeship that comes from everyone being in basically the same boat.

I’m not complaining, though, because I know my DH handles more than most dads. We have very similar jobs and hours, so it’s painfully obvious whenever the home imbalance tips too far in my direction.

It’s LONELY compared to the mom who gets to have coffee and yoga classes every day with her SAHM squad
Once the kids are school age, it’s a life of leisure.

That’s a lie. My wife is very busy all day.

Wow has she had you hoodwinked. But yeah, going to coffee and yoga classes are “busy”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish my wife could raise her hand on this. I'm not sure why so many posts say "we're not bothered". I'd be elated...

I was thinking the same thing! I make about 5-7 times what my wife does, depending on bonus. I'd be thrilled if that was just 2 times what she makes. 50-50 would be a dream - we'd be retiring in 2 years!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always out earned DH, sometimes by like 4x; right now by about 2x. That fact alone doesn’t bother me - it’s the mental load that bothers me. I am sometimes resentful because if I were a male earning what I earn, I could easily expect to have a wife that handled all the household and child-related tasks that I take on. DH is great, and does more than many, but he is not a wife.

Every bit of this is also true for me. The only thing I would add is that I feel quite shunned by most other women -- including, sadly, my own mom and my MIL. No one has ever actually told me why but based on what I glean from a variety of comments, I think it is for some that they think I have it easy and have an unfair advantage in the workplace, and for some that I am selfish and chose my own career at a cost to my children and my husband (the truth is: he chose and I picked up the pieces). I have a handful of mom friends who don't shun me but for the most part, it is a lonely existence.

Having an intense career and kids and handling most of the household work is a lonely existence? It describes 90 percent of the moms I know in DC, including myself. I’d say it’s exhausting and can be stressful but there’s also comradeship that comes from everyone being in basically the same boat.

I’m not complaining, though, because I know my DH handles more than most dads. We have very similar jobs and hours, so it’s painfully obvious whenever the home imbalance tips too far in my direction.

It’s LONELY compared to the mom who gets to have coffee and yoga classes every day with her SAHM squad
Once the kids are school age, it’s a life of leisure.

That’s a lie. My wife is very busy all day.

Busy with what all day? What do SAH parents do when the kids are in school from 8-3 that working parents don’t manage to complete during evenings and weekends?

Cook, laundry, volunteer. Same as you but I get it done during the day so I can be fully engaged with my husband and kids in the afternoons, evenings, and weekends. Sometimes I even take a nap! I’m not as busy as you and I don’t want to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always out earned DH, sometimes by like 4x; right now by about 2x. That fact alone doesn’t bother me - it’s the mental load that bothers me. I am sometimes resentful because if I were a male earning what I earn, I could easily expect to have a wife that handled all the household and child-related tasks that I take on. DH is great, and does more than many, but he is not a wife.

Every bit of this is also true for me. The only thing I would add is that I feel quite shunned by most other women -- including, sadly, my own mom and my MIL. No one has ever actually told me why but based on what I glean from a variety of comments, I think it is for some that they think I have it easy and have an unfair advantage in the workplace, and for some that I am selfish and chose my own career at a cost to my children and my husband (the truth is: he chose and I picked up the pieces). I have a handful of mom friends who don't shun me but for the most part, it is a lonely existence.

Having an intense career and kids and handling most of the household work is a lonely existence? It describes 90 percent of the moms I know in DC, including myself. I’d say it’s exhausting and can be stressful but there’s also comradeship that comes from everyone being in basically the same boat.

I’m not complaining, though, because I know my DH handles more than most dads. We have very similar jobs and hours, so it’s painfully obvious whenever the home imbalance tips too far in my direction.

It’s LONELY compared to the mom who gets to have coffee and yoga classes every day with her SAHM squad
Once the kids are school age, it’s a life of leisure.

That’s a lie. My wife is very busy all day.

Busy with what all day? What do SAH parents do when the kids are in school from 8-3 that working parents don’t manage to complete during evenings and weekends?

Cook, laundry, volunteer. Same as you but I get it done during the day so I can be fully engaged with my husband and kids in the afternoons, evenings, and weekends. Sometimes I even take a nap! I’m not as busy as you and I don’t want to be.

That didn’t go your way, Ms Busy Bee

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always out earned DH, sometimes by like 4x; right now by about 2x. That fact alone doesn’t bother me - it’s the mental load that bothers me. I am sometimes resentful because if I were a male earning what I earn, I could easily expect to have a wife that handled all the household and child-related tasks that I take on. DH is great, and does more than many, but he is not a wife.

Every bit of this is also true for me. The only thing I would add is that I feel quite shunned by most other women -- including, sadly, my own mom and my MIL. No one has ever actually told me why but based on what I glean from a variety of comments, I think it is for some that they think I have it easy and have an unfair advantage in the workplace, and for some that I am selfish and chose my own career at a cost to my children and my husband (the truth is: he chose and I picked up the pieces). I have a handful of mom friends who don't shun me but for the most part, it is a lonely existence.

Having an intense career and kids and handling most of the household work is a lonely existence? It describes 90 percent of the moms I know in DC, including myself. I’d say it’s exhausting and can be stressful but there’s also comradeship that comes from everyone being in basically the same boat.

I’m not complaining, though, because I know my DH handles more than most dads. We have very similar jobs and hours, so it’s painfully obvious whenever the home imbalance tips too far in my direction.

It’s LONELY compared to the mom who gets to have coffee and yoga classes every day with her SAHM squad
Once the kids are school age, it’s a life of leisure.

That’s a lie. My wife is very busy all day.

Busy with what all day? What do SAH parents do when the kids are in school from 8-3 that working parents don’t manage to complete during evenings and weekends?

Cook, laundry, volunteer. Same as you but I get it done during the day so I can be fully engaged with my husband and kids in afternoons, evenings, and weekends. Sometimes I even take a nap! I’m not as busy as you and I don’t want to be.

Love the dig at working moms, who have to be unengaged.