Raise your hand if you're a woman who out-earns her husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always out earned DH, sometimes by like 4x; right now by about 2x. That fact alone doesn’t bother me - it’s the mental load that bothers me. I am sometimes resentful because if I were a male earning what I earn, I could easily expect to have a wife that handled all the household and child-related tasks that I take on. DH is great, and does more than many, but he is not a wife.

Every bit of this is also true for me. The only thing I would add is that I feel quite shunned by most other women -- including, sadly, my own mom and my MIL. No one has ever actually told me why but based on what I glean from a variety of comments, I think it is for some that they think I have it easy and have an unfair advantage in the workplace, and for some that I am selfish and chose my own career at a cost to my children and my husband (the truth is: he chose and I picked up the pieces). I have a handful of mom friends who don't shun me but for the most part, it is a lonely existence.

Having an intense career and kids and handling most of the household work is a lonely existence? It describes 90 percent of the moms I know in DC, including myself. I’d say it’s exhausting and can be stressful but there’s also comradeship that comes from everyone being in basically the same boat.

I’m not complaining, though, because I know my DH handles more than most dads. We have very similar jobs and hours, so it’s painfully obvious whenever the home imbalance tips too far in my direction.

It’s LONELY compared to the mom who gets to have coffee and yoga classes every day with her SAHM squad
Once the kids are school age, it’s a life of leisure.

That’s a lie. My wife is very busy all day.

Busy with what all day? What do SAH parents do when the kids are in school from 8-3 that working parents don’t manage to complete during evenings and weekends?

DP - can we please NOT? This is a good thread so far. We don't need another SAHM vs. working mom.

[Anonymous]

I do but he has his own business so he takes a low salary and invests the profits back in the business. He’s doing the right thing as his payoff should be substantial. When it happens I will retire!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish my wife could raise her hand on this. I'm not sure why so many posts say "we're not bothered". I'd be elated...

I was thinking the same thing! I make about 5-7 times what my wife does, depending on bonus. I'd be thrilled if that was just 2 times what she makes. 50-50 would be a dream - we'd be retiring in 2 years!

And that would be a more than realistic goal if you actually stepped up and contributed a true 50% to all household/parenting tasks and chose your spouse based on factors unrelated to her appearance….but that almost certainly is not going to happen.


Please create your own thread- this one isn’t for you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish my wife could raise her hand on this. I'm not sure why so many posts say "we're not bothered". I'd be elated...

?

Your post doesn’t make sense- more details needed.

I'm not sure what's confusing? This post answers better than I could.

"I make more than DH. He actually loves it and is very proud of me and he doesn't care. It increases our HHI and he doesn't care where the $ comes from, me or him. It doesn't make him feel less manly."

It’s confusing because you seem to be a guy with a lower earning wife so assuming that’s the case it’s unclear why you find it appropriate to respond or think your viewpoint is relevant to a question asking women how they feel about being the primary earners in a society that still expects them to be the default caregivers/homemakers.

[Anonymous]

Raising hand. Nope, doesn’t bother either of us. I’ve almost always made more but he does make good money too.

[Anonymous]

Not really. Some moms prefer working all day and doing cooking/laundry/housework/helping with homework/driving to activities in the hours between work ending and bedtime. Others of us prefer not to work and spread out the rest of the activities over the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW makes more despite my many efforts to escape my GS15 job nothing pays better for my role.

I do a lot around the house but I know she wishes she could quit, but she doesn’t want to shift to a GS15 lifestyle.

The worst is I’m a very involved parent, but after trying to be the “play date” dad and “room parent “ dad, realize it has to be the mom, because it’s 99% of the time the moms and being the dad makes it hard for our kids.

I’d commiserate that taking the lead on some of the social aspects of parenting can be harder as a dad but being the default parent is a lot more than setting up playdates or volunteering in the classroom. When you say you handle a lot of the stuff around the house does that just entail standard day to day chores or are you being proactive in taking on other aspects of being the default parent without being asked to do so)

(Ie are you regularly going through your kids closets to weed out too small/worn out/weather inappropriate clothes and buying replacements? Are you personally tracking when medical/dental appointments need to be scheduled and doing so?) Are you researching summer camps/childcare/extracurricular activities and tracking sign up procedures and deadlines and filling out related paperwork? Are you regularly monitoring the kids’ school assignments and handling classroom asks to bring in materials/baked goods or dress up for themed events)?

I think most wives would be thrilled to have a husband actually taking the lead in many/most of these areas while bringing in a GS-15 salary. (Even though it tends to just be the default expectation for a similarly positioned woman whose husband out earns her).

PP who makes 3X what my DH does here, and this is what I mean by being the default parent. It's about carrying the mental load.

I do not know any fathers who handle these things. I'm sure they exist, but I've never encountered even one.

My DH does all this - he's the lower earner making about $120 full-time WFH. I'm not a high earner (GS-15) but my job is stressful and I work long hours. DH does all the kid stuff (doctor appointments, sports) and most of the household stuff (laundry, dishes). I try to cook and do some chores on the weekends but I am exhausted.

[Anonymous]

[mastodon]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW makes more despite my many efforts to escape my GS15 job nothing pays better for my role.

I do a lot around the house but I know she wishes she could quit, but she doesn’t want to shift to a GS15 lifestyle.

The worst is I’m a very involved parent, but after trying to be the “play date” dad and “room parent “ dad, realize it has to be the mom, because it’s 99% of the time the moms and being the dad makes it hard for our kids.

I’d commiserate that taking the lead on some of the social aspects of parenting can be harder as a dad but being the default parent is a lot more than setting up playdates or volunteering in the classroom. When you say you handle a lot of the stuff around the house does that just entail standard day to day chores or are you being proactive in taking on other aspects of being the default parent without being asked to do so)

(Ie are you regularly going through your kids closets to weed out too small/worn out/weather inappropriate clothes and buying replacements? Are you personally tracking when medical/dental appointments need to be scheduled and doing so?) Are you researching summer camps/childcare/extracurricular activities and tracking sign up procedures and deadlines and filling out related paperwork? Are you regularly monitoring the kids’ school assignments and handling classroom asks to bring in materials/baked goods or dress up for themed events)?

I think most wives would be thrilled to have a husband actually taking the lead in many/most of these areas while bringing in a GS-15 salary. (Even though it tends to just be the default expectation for a similarly positioned woman whose husband out earns her).

PP who makes 3X what my DH does here, and this is what I mean by being the default parent. It's about carrying the mental load.

I do not know any fathers who handle these things. I'm sure they exist, but I've never encountered even one.

My DH does all this - he's the lower earner making about $120 full-time WFH. I'm not a high earner (GS-15) but my job is stressful and I work long hours. DH does all the kid stuff (doctor appointments, sports) and most of the household stuff (laundry, dishes). I try to cook and do some chores on the weekends but I am exhausted.

FFS. If you’re a GS-15 you are absolutely a high earner. Get some GD perspective, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[mastodon]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW makes more despite my many efforts to escape my GS15 job nothing pays better for my role.

I do a lot around the house but I know she wishes she could quit, but she doesn’t want to shift to a GS15 lifestyle.

The worst is I’m a very involved parent, but after trying to be the “play date” dad and “room parent “ dad, realize it has to be the mom, because it’s 99% of the time the moms and being the dad makes it hard for our kids.

I’d commiserate that taking the lead on some of the social aspects of parenting can be harder as a dad but being the default parent is a lot more than setting up playdates or volunteering in the classroom. When you say you handle a lot of the stuff around the house does that just entail standard day to day chores or are you being proactive in taking on other aspects of being the default parent without being asked to do so)

(Ie are you regularly going through your kids closets to weed out too small/worn out/weather inappropriate clothes and buying replacements? Are you personally tracking when medical/dental appointments need to be scheduled and doing so?) Are you researching summer camps/childcare/extracurricular activities and tracking sign up procedures and deadlines and filling out related paperwork? Are you regularly monitoring the kids’ school assignments and handling classroom asks to bring in materials/baked goods or dress up for themed events)?

I think most wives would be thrilled to have a husband actually taking the lead in many/most of these areas while bringing in a GS-15 salary. (Even though it tends to just be the default expectation for a similarly positioned woman whose husband out earns her).

PP who makes 3X what my DH does here, and this is what I mean by being the default parent. It's about carrying the mental load.

I do not know any fathers who handle these things. I'm sure they exist, but I've never encountered even one.

My DH does all this - he's the lower earner making about $120 full-time WFH. I'm not a high earner (GS-15) but my job is stressful and I work long hours. DH does all the kid stuff (doctor appointments, sports) and most of the household stuff (laundry, dishes). I try to cook and do some chores on the weekends but I am exhausted.

FFS. If you’re a GS-15 you are absolutely a high earner. Get some GD perspective, please.

No it's not high earning according to most on this board.

[Anonymous]

We go back and forth quite a bit (we have a lot of variable income in our jobs) but this year I was at 800k and he was at 600k. He is always thrilled if I make more than him and my biggest cheerleader.

[Anonymous]

I do by about $1,500. He wouldn't care if it was more, though-- he likes that I am bringing in good money!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[mastodon]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW makes more despite my many efforts to escape my GS15 job nothing pays better for my role.

I do a lot around the house but I know she wishes she could quit, but she doesn’t want to shift to a GS15 lifestyle.

The worst is I’m a very involved parent, but after trying to be the “play date” dad and “room parent “ dad, realize it has to be the mom, because it’s 99% of the time the moms and being the dad makes it hard for our kids.

I’d commiserate that taking the lead on some of the social aspects of parenting can be harder as a dad but being the default parent is a lot more than setting up playdates or volunteering in the classroom. When you say you handle a lot of the stuff around the house does that just entail standard day to day chores or are you being proactive in taking on other aspects of being the default parent without being asked to do so)

(Ie are you regularly going through your kids closets to weed out too small/worn out/weather inappropriate clothes and buying replacements? Are you personally tracking when medical/dental appointments need to be scheduled and doing so?) Are you researching summer camps/childcare/extracurricular activities and tracking sign up procedures and deadlines and filling out related paperwork? Are you regularly monitoring the kids’ school assignments and handling classroom asks to bring in materials/baked goods or dress up for themed events)?

I think most wives would be thrilled to have a husband actually taking the lead in many/most of these areas while bringing in a GS-15 salary. (Even though it tends to just be the default expectation for a similarly positioned woman whose husband out earns her).

PP who makes 3X what my DH does here, and this is what I mean by being the default parent. It's about carrying the mental load.

I do not know any fathers who handle these things. I'm sure they exist, but I've never encountered even one.

My DH does all this - he's the lower earner making about $120 full-time WFH. I'm not a high earner (GS-15) but my job is stressful and I work long hours. DH does all the kid stuff (doctor appointments, sports) and most of the household stuff (laundry, dishes). I try to cook and do some chores on the weekends but I am exhausted.

FFS. If you’re a GS-15 you are absolutely a high earner. Get some GD perspective, please.

No it's not high earning according to most on this board.

Most people on this board are idiots and/or liars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make 500-600k more.

It bothers both of us to a degree, but it’s not for his lack of trying to earn more.

Wow. What are each of your jobs & salaries?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was always the SAHM or low earner in my marriage.

Now I am divorced and my boyfriend is the low earner. I make about 100k and he makes like 40k in a job he loves that’s good for humanity. I get anxious about this because I’m not used to it. We are in our 40s.

Don’t be a fool. Date someone who earns at least what you do. You don’t have the margin to gamble on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make $250, DH makes barely $100.

I have a long commute, he doesn’t.

I have a far more stressful job.

It bothers me.

I’m roughly where you are with $240K : $90K but we aren’t married. It bothers me that he spends his precious time doing something so non-remunerative. I mean we could all make more if we were made of different stuff or had made different choices but it seems like very little for a middle aged man.