Raise your hand if you're a woman who out-earns her husband

[Anonymous]

I make about 2-3x as DH, who is at GS15 salary with a really steady schedule. Neither of us care about the salary, though I admit there was a period of time I was feeling resentful that he was spending a lot per month on a solo hobby that he no longer does anymore (his choice, I encouraged it still despite the resentment which I was trying to work through). He does 90% of the household work/chores + 75% default parent, though we do a lot together as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does this bother you, or him?

No? Because we have a kid who is in college and it’s costing us 85k per year. We are full pay at an Ivy and I’m grateful every single day that I earn enough to send him there.

[Anonymous]

No one gives a shit. Shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right now I out-earn him but it hasn't always been this way. We think of it as a life-long partnership and we will probably break even over the course of that.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was always the SAHM or low earner in my marriage.

Now I am divorced and my boyfriend is the low earner. I make about 100k and he makes like 40k in a job he loves that’s good for humanity. I get anxious about this because I’m not used to it. We are in our 40s.

Don’t be a fool. Date someone who earns at least what you do. You don’t have the margin to gamble on this.

Fire 🔥 that man.

[Anonymous]

For years, DH was making 60% of my salary at a non profit. It bothered me because his career was more demanding than mine so I had to do more childcare and I was lonely when he worked nights/weekends. We couldn’t afford extra help or a better neighborhood with nearby activities. Now he makes 85% of my salary in a much less stressful job and our marriage has greatly improved. I just wish he’d made the career switch sooner because with the rise in home interest rates, we’ll never be able to afford the neighborhood I wanted.

[Anonymous]

I spend more than half of my husbands salary, so I think that counts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For years, DH was making 60% of my salary at a non profit. It bothered me because his career was more demanding than mine so I had to do more childcare and I was lonely when he worked nights/weekends. We couldn’t afford extra help or a better neighborhood with nearby activities. Now he makes 85% of my salary in a much less stressful job and our marriage has greatly improved. I just wish he’d made the career switch sooner because with the rise in home interest rates, we’ll never be able to afford the neighborhood I wanted.

Did he want that neighborhood as well? Maybe you should switch careers and make more money instead of putting the blame on him…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years, DH was making 60% of my salary at a non profit. It bothered me because his career was more demanding than mine so I had to do more childcare and I was lonely when he worked nights/weekends. We couldn’t afford extra help or a better neighborhood with nearby activities. Now he makes 85% of my salary in a much less stressful job and our marriage has greatly improved. I just wish he’d made the career switch sooner because with the rise in home interest rates, we’ll never be able to afford the neighborhood I wanted.

Did he want that neighborhood as well? Maybe you should switch careers and make more money instead of putting the blame on him…

I cannot make more money without taking on more stress and hours which would dump childcare on him, as he did to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always out earned DH, sometimes by like 4x; right now by about 2x. That fact alone doesn’t bother me - it’s the mental load that bothers me. I am sometimes resentful because if I were a male earning what I earn, I could easily expect to have a wife that handled all the household and child-related tasks that I take on. DH is great, and does more than many, but he is not a wife.

Every bit of this is also true for me. The only thing I would add is that I feel quite shunned by most other women -- including, sadly, my own mom and my MIL. No one has ever actually told me why but based on what I glean from a variety of comments, I think it is for some that they think I have it easy and have an unfair advantage in the workplace, and for some that I am selfish and chose my own career at a cost to my children and my husband (the truth is: he chose and I picked up the pieces). I have a handful of mom friends who don't shun me but for the most part, it is a lonely existence.

I’m so sorry to hear this. Are you white? This is not the norm amongst people of color because women have always had to work.

[Anonymous]

At the beginning, my husband out-earned me about 2x, but I changed jobs and got a large salary increase + I have a large inheritance. He has retired very early. I wish he was still working but made my peace with it. He is very good about handling household crap and running personal errands for me. I have a high stress job. I also know he is proud of my career advancement which I appreciate.

[Anonymous]

Question:

How did this all play out when dating? Did you switch off who paid? When did you disclose finances/earnings?

I am newly dating in my 40s and make more than many men. I wouldn’t say I’m a high earner by DCUM standards, but I live in an area with not many employment options. I can support myself so I’m mainly looking for a quality partner and not a sugar daddy. But it’s still a strange part of dating to navigate for me.

[Anonymous]

I out earn my husband, am younger and have less degrees than he does. But, I have always been a hard worker and don’t think I’d be content if I wasn’t. He earns less, but isn’t particularly driven in his career and prioritizes being a good and present father which is awesome. It works out well since we balance each other out. Sometimes it gets to me though and I wish he’d be more driven or earn more. Sometimes it feels like all the pressure is on me to achieve the type of lifestyle I’d like to have one day & the harder I work the more he’s come to rely on my earnings.

If I’m being honest many of my friends out earn their husbands. They are successful and amazing women, but definitely more tired and stressed than their husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I out earn my husband, am younger and have less degrees than he does. But, I have always been a hard worker and don’t think I’d be content if I wasn’t. He earns less, but isn’t particularly driven in his career and prioritizes being a good and present father which is awesome. It works out well since we balance each other out. Sometimes it gets to me though and I wish he’d be more driven or earn more. Sometimes it feels like all the pressure is on me to achieve the type of lifestyle I’d like to have one day & the harder I work the more he’s come to rely on my earnings.

If I’m being honest many of my friends out earn their husbands. They are successful and amazing women, but definitely more tired and stressed than their husbands.

Pretty much throughout the 20th century, almost all the high-paying jobs were held by husbands. Now we are in the 21st century, lots of them are held by women, women who hypocritically resent their husbands for not holding those very same high-paying jobs. Just as a good husband does not resent his SAHM wife, a good high-earning wife should not resent her lower-earning husband. Resentment is the best possible recipe for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Sure, but the problem in the scenario that you describe is these lower-earning husbands are not contributing to the household more than, or even equal to the higher-earning wife. It’s not the money inequality that bothers me - it’s the household work (including mental load) inequality that bothers me.