Raise your hand if you're a woman who out-earns her husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, but the problem in the scenario that you describe is these lower-earning husbands are not contributing to the household more than, or even equal to the higher-earning wife. It’s not the money inequality that bothers me - it’s the household work (including mental load) inequality that bothers me.

I was literally quoting from a scenario that I described where that was specifically not a concern, yet resentment was still rearing its head.

“He earns less, but isn’t particularly driven in his career and prioritizes being a good and present father which is awesome. It works out well since we balance each other out. Sometimes it gets to me though and I wish he’d be more driven or earn more. Sometimes it feels like all the pressure is on me to achieve the type of lifestyle I’d like to have one day & the harder I work the more he’s come to rely on my earnings.”

DP ..but for most women that’s not reality. Most men don’t take the mental load/invisible work from women.

I dated someone for three years in my 20s who was not ambitious. We realized we weren’t a good match as we both grew resentful of each other for wanting different things from life (there were other reasons too). We parted ways and I married someone who had goals similar to mine, among other things, and I think/hope the same is true of my former boyfriend. Some of these scenarios remind me of our dynamic. I don’t know what advice to give to OP…you can’t change someone. I know some people are making light of this but I do think OP might benefit from speaking with someone and maybe some joint sessions with a therapist. How she feels is valid and how her husband feels is valid.

And this is exactly why you discuss goals in life, money, career goals, family goals, etc when you are dating and before you get married. You cannot change someone who is not ambitious, and if that is important to you, then you shouldn't marry someone who isn't. Much easier to be married to someone with similar goals.

[Anonymous]

My wife is very successful and comports herself in a casual “I got it covered” way that is both charming and has lead many of her friends to believe she is the leading breadwinner in our house. I go along doing most of the kid work, the cooking and some of the house related stuff (we do have a live in who really does the most of it) while my wife does scheduling and keeps us pointed in the right direction. She makes about $750k while I make about $2 million. Her friends would be shocked by the amount and by the allocation. I could care less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We go back and forth quite a bit (we have a lot of variable income in our jobs) but this year I was at 800k and he was at 600k. He is always thrilled if I make more than him and my biggest cheerleader.

Wow, your fields, please?

Seriously curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is very successful and comports herself in a casual “I got it covered” way that is both charming and has lead many of her friends to believe she is the leading breadwinner in our house. I go along doing most of the kid work, the cooking and some of the house related stuff (we do have a live in who really does the most of it) while my wife does scheduling and keeps us pointed in the right direction. She makes about $750k while I make about $2 million. Her friends would be shocked by the amount and by the allocation. I could care less.

What does your wife do? What do you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make roughly 3x as much. The money differential doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is that he has a less flexible job than I do and I am the default parent and do most household tasks. He does not do kid sick days or kid doctor appointments, etc. and those are really hard for me to make work.

Why doesn't he do any kid dr appts? I think you need to have a talk about this. Just because his job is less flexible doesn't mean you have to do hem all. You said it's hard for you too and I'm sure that it is.

I make less than my husband and I'm the default parent but after I went back to work I started giving him some of the kid dr appts. I used to do them all when I was a SAHM which was fine but then it didn't work for me to do all of them after I went back to work. So now he does some and that's better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife is very successful and comports herself in a casual “I got it covered” way that is both charming and has lead many of her friends to believe she is the leading breadwinner in our house. I go along doing most of the kid work, the cooking and some of the house related stuff (we do have a live in who really does the most of it) while my wife does scheduling and keeps us pointed in the right direction. She makes about $750k while I make about $2 million. Her friends would be shocked by the amount and by the allocation. I could care less.

What does your wife do? What do you do?

That sounds totally fake to me.

[Anonymous]

I am a lawyer. I began in a public interest field and was outearned by my husband for about 5 years. Then I switched to the private sector and I vastly out earn him. He earns around $220K and I make between $450-550K, on an upward trajectory. It doesn't bother him. He understands that our salary differential is the result of completely different fields and what the ceiling looks like in those fields. He works very hard although I work longer hours and travel more.

[Anonymous]

No one cares.

[Anonymous]

We are probably a rarity. We each make the same amount to the dollar.
$114,590 x 2

[Anonymous]

We are both in tech sales. Some years I earn more, some years he earns more. Nobody is insecure about me. We are in sales and are quite competitive and I love beating his W2 and he loves beating mine. The more we each make the better off our family is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After 2025 this will no longer be a thing fyi

Thanks republicans

what is happening in 2025 that will make my career tank?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question:

How did this all play out when dating? Did you switch off who paid? When did you disclose finances/earnings?

I am newly dating in my 40s and make more than many men. I wouldn’t say I’m a high earner by DCUM standards, but I live in an area with not many employment options. I can support myself so I’m mainly looking for a quality partner and not a sugar daddy. But it’s still a strange part of dating to navigate for me.

My DH and I met in college and I'm the poster above and am in sales. We go back and forth as to who earns more. If I found myself dating, I would still expect the man to pay. I'd also never get married at this stage in my life. I'd have a life partner but marriage, no! I do not see why one would need to disclose finances unless you were getting married. I also would not want to date a man who could not do things such as travel which costs money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always out earned DH, sometimes by like 4x; right now by about 2x. That fact alone doesn’t bother me - it’s the mental load that bothers me. I am sometimes resentful because if I were a male earning what I earn, I could easily expect to have a wife that handled all the household and child-related tasks that I take on. DH is great, and does more than many, but he is not a wife.

Every bit of this is also true for me. The only thing I would add is that I feel quite shunned by most other women -- including, sadly, my own mom and my MIL. No one has ever actually told me why but based on what I glean from a variety of comments, I think it is for some that they think I have it easy and have an unfair advantage in the workplace, and for some that I am selfish and chose my own career at a cost to my children and my husband (the truth is: he chose and I picked up the pieces). I have a handful of mom friends who don't shun me but for the most part, it is a lonely existence.

Having an intense career and kids and handling most of the household work is a lonely existence? It describes 90 percent of the moms I know in DC, including myself. I’d say it’s exhausting and can be stressful but there’s also comradeship that comes from everyone being in basically the same boat.

I’m not complaining, though, because I know my DH handles more than most dads. We have very similar jobs and hours, so it’s painfully obvious whenever the home imbalance tips too far in my direction.

It’s LONELY compared to the mom who gets to have coffee and yoga classes every day with her SAHM squad
Once the kids are school age, it’s a life of leisure.

That’s a lie. My wife is very busy all day.

Busy with what all day? What do SAH parents do when the kids are in school from 8-3 that working parents don’t manage to complete during evenings and weekends?

Cook, laundry, volunteer. Same as you but I get it done during the day so I can be fully engaged with my husband and kids in the afternoons, evenings, and weekends. Sometimes I even take a nap! I’m not as busy as you and I don’t want to be.

I am a working mom to two now college kids. I did all those things with my kids. I think it’s great they are entering the real world knowing how to do these things, and more importantly, how sharing in household chores promotes fairness in a family unit.