DH and I at odds over children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been fighting for years over having kids. We dated for 3 years before getting married and always said we have kids. Then we we got married he changed his mind. I’m now 33 and don’t want to wait any longer. I told I needed to know if we could have at least one kid or I have to divorce. He said he would think about everything over the weekend.

Often times when he is thinking about hard topics, he fails to ever get back to me. What is a kind way to give gentle reminder? Or if I don’t hear from him by the weekend should I just move on?

First decide what you want more, him or kids. If you want him more than you want kids, try to find a couple's counselor and sort it out and give him more time and hope for the best, etc etc.

If you want kids more than him then flat out tell him that you want to start trying now. If he says no, find a great lawyer and send him a divorce notice. You are 33 and don't have time to play games until you become infertile.

[Anonymous]

OP's DH has every right to change his mind about becoming a father after marriage but then he should include cost of freezing and storing her eggs until she finds a partner who actually knows what he wants and can stick to it.

As far as advice about just stopping birth control goes, that's stupid and fraudulent. It would ruin not one but three lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been fighting for years over having kids. We dated for 3 years before getting married and always said we have kids. Then we we got married he changed his mind. I’m now 33 and don’t want to wait any longer. I told I needed to know if we could have at least one kid or I have to divorce. He said he would think about everything over the weekend.

Often times when he is thinking about hard topics, he fails to ever get back to me. What is a kind way to give gentle reminder? Or if I don’t hear from him by the weekend should I just move on?

Do you know what made him change his mind? That may give you a better idea of what future holds for you two.

[Anonymous]

This would be a dealbreaker for me. You need to know if it’s one for you and set boundaries appropriately. Don’t waste anymore time with him if he’s not sure and you are sure you want kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We went to group therapy about this. Eventually DH said ok. It was still weird. I think we had sex with protection sometimes and sometimes not. I ended up getting pregnant immediately. After my son was born, he said “you were right about him.” He’s been a great dad.

We didn’t go to therapy but DH was somewhat ambivalent about #1. Wonderful father when she came along. Then he was REALLY unsure about #2 and I had to convince/practically beg him. Now #2 is the light of his life (along with #1) and he remains a wonderful father and we are happy family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH has every right to change his mind about becoming a father after marriage but then he should include cost of freezing and storing her eggs until she finds a partner who actually knows what he wants and can stick to it.

As far as advice about just stopping birth control goes, that's stupid and fraudulent. It would ruin not one but three lives.

I don’t think she should go off birth control but I do think if he is the one that doesn’t wants children, he should be considering a vasectomy. Most of the options, freezing eggs, staying on birth control every month for something he wants, not her, delaying even more years to see if he changes his mind again to have children moving her to a high risk pregnancy category due to age - it’s putting the burden on her, with little impact on him, for his decision.

[Anonymous]

No one suggests you secretly go off birth control. Just tell DH he's in charge of birth control. You'd be surprised how little it takes for him to decide he doesn't want to get a vasectomy or bother with condoms. But still wants sex. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Has your DH completely shut down the idea of kids, or just kids right now? Have you discussed the reasons why?

My DH always said he wanted kids. After we got married in our early 30s, he dragged his feet on the topic and I became concerned he changed his mind. So, I asked. Long story short, it was related to job/career stress. We talked it out and determined a realistic timeline for TTC. We now have two kids who are the light of both our lives.

OP - I’m sure you have already, but if not, get to get to the root of his mindset. Hopefully, a sincere and open conversation will give you the clarification you need. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH has every right to change his mind about becoming a father after marriage but then he should include cost of freezing and storing her eggs until she finds a partner who actually knows what he wants and can stick to it.

As far as advice about just stopping birth control goes, that's stupid and fraudulent. It would ruin not one but three lives.

I don’t think she should go off birth control but I do think if he is the one that doesn’t wants children, he should be considering a vasectomy. Most of the options, freezing eggs, staying on birth control every month for something he wants, not her, delaying even more years to see if he changes his mind again to have children moving her to a high risk pregnancy category due to age - it’s putting the burden on her, with little impact on him, for his decision.

Agree about the burden. I was the PP who said she should inform him she's going off BC.

Right now they have the marriage he wants with an active sex life and no kids. She is the one who has the burden of her fertility waning. She has to ask Dh, convince him, gently cajole, and figure out how to remind him to think about his decion. She has the burden of figuring out if he's ever going to agree and if it's worth a divorce, and when to file for divorce. All he has to do is say he's still thinking about it.

If she chooses, openly, to stop taking a medication, which she has every right to do, suddenly the burden is on him. He has to decide if it's worth risking pregnancy when he wants sex. He has to decide on condoms or a vasectomy. A vasectomy is a commitment to deciding not to have children so now he's the one who has to confront his fertility. He's got to decide if he can deal with her plan or if this is worth a divorce, and start looking for an attorney. Or maybe having a kid isn't that bad of a risk afterall. But now he's actually got to take an active part in making a decision.

[Anonymous]

Op please don’t be me.

I wanted children desperately and had been dreaming of a family of my own for a long time. I met my husband at 23. We started dating at 24 and had a courthouse marriage at 27 as I had immigration issues. I was thrilled as I always wanted to be a younger mom. I figured we had a few years to figure out family stuff.

By the time we turned 30, I developed baby fever. I said I wanted to TTC. He said he was not ready as I did not have a great job and he wasn’t making enough with extra left over after paying $800 for his school loans per month. He said we can TTC once we had a better income.

By 32, he developed alcoholism and cheated on me. I was devastated as everyone around me was having babies and moving on with their lives. I was terrified of starting over and covid hit. I was terrified and alone and confused. We quarantined together. Our marriage was fragile but we were slowly coming together. He quit his work to pursue entrepreneurship which surprisingly took off post covid.
By 34, we were in a better place. I had doubts about the marriage given his cheating but again, time was ticking. We tentatively started TTC. I got pregnant at first try! But alas, it was a ruptured ectopic where I almost died! I had major abdominal surgery and we couldn’t TTC for most of that year.
At 35, we TTC again. I got pregnant in a few months but it was another ectopic! This one was caught early but I lost my last remaining tube.

I am now 36 and have waited 6 months to begin my first IVF cycle.

I never ever imagined I’d be 36 and childless. My marriage is also rocky as the lovely man I thought I married has become so different and difficult.

It’s a mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH has every right to change his mind about becoming a father after marriage but then he should include cost of freezing and storing her eggs until she finds a partner who actually knows what he wants and can stick to it.

As far as advice about just stopping birth control goes, that's stupid and fraudulent. It would ruin not one but three lives.

I don’t think she should go off birth control but I do think if he is the one that doesn’t wants children, he should be considering a vasectomy. Most of the options, freezing eggs, staying on birth control every month for something he wants, not her, delaying even more years to see if he changes his mind again to have children moving her to a high risk pregnancy category due to age - it’s putting the burden on her, with little impact on him, for his decision.

Agree about the burden. I was the PP who said she should inform him she's going off BC.

Right now they have the marriage he wants with an active sex life and no kids. She is the one who has the burden of her fertility waning. She has to ask Dh, convince him, gently cajole, and figure out how to remind him to think about his decion. She has the burden of figuring out if he's ever going to agree and if it's worth a divorce, and when to file for divorce. All he has to do is say he's still thinking about it.

If she chooses, openly, to stop taking a medication, which she has every right to do, suddenly the burden is on him. He has to decide if it's worth risking pregnancy when he wants sex. He has to decide on condoms or a vasectomy. A vasectomy is a commitment to deciding not to have children so now he's the one who has to confront his fertility. He's got to decide if he can deal with her plan or if this is worth a divorce, and start looking for an attorney. Or maybe having a kid isn't that bad of a risk afterall. But now he's actually got to take an active part in making a decision.

NP. This makes 100% sense and is not unethical AT ALL.

And for those arguing that you shouldn't have a kid with someone who isn't gung-ho, I think there'd be like 80% fewer people on the planet if everyone abided by that.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who divorced long ago with no kids. I have a friend who divorced a few years ago with several kids. They are both shaky financially. Which one do you think is happier? Hint: Money isn’t everything.

[Anonymous]

I want a family, and I hope it will be with you, because I love you and always will. If you do not want a family, I can respect that and we can part amicably. But I will have to move on and find someone who shares my vision for a happy life.
—
My DH was on the fence about kids. I said the above to DH after 2 years of dating. He proposed two months later and we had our older kid a year after we married. You have to be able and ready to walk. I realize you’re already married but the issue is the same. Incidentally, DH is the most amazing, doting, devoted, and capable father I know. I think he was hesitant because he knew how seriously he’d take it. I am very lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH has every right to change his mind about becoming a father after marriage but then he should include cost of freezing and storing her eggs until she finds a partner who actually knows what he wants and can stick to it.

As far as advice about just stopping birth control goes, that's stupid and fraudulent. It would ruin not one but three lives.

I don’t think she should go off birth control but I do think if he is the one that doesn’t wants children, he should be considering a vasectomy. Most of the options, freezing eggs, staying on birth control every month for something he wants, not her, delaying even more years to see if he changes his mind again to have children moving her to a high risk pregnancy category due to age - it’s putting the burden on her, with little impact on him, for his decision.

Agree about the burden. I was the PP who said she should inform him she's going off BC.

Right now they have the marriage he wants with an active sex life and no kids. She is the one who has the burden of her fertility waning. She has to ask Dh, convince him, gently cajole, and figure out how to remind him to think about his decion. She has the burden of figuring out if he's ever going to agree and if it's worth a divorce, and when to file for divorce. All he has to do is say he's still thinking about it.

If she chooses, openly, to stop taking a medication, which she has every right to do, suddenly the burden is on him. He has to decide if it's worth risking pregnancy when he wants sex. He has to decide on condoms or a vasectomy. A vasectomy is a commitment to deciding not to have children so now he's the one who has to confront his fertility. He's got to decide if he can deal with her plan or if this is worth a divorce, and start looking for an attorney. Or maybe having a kid isn't that bad of a risk afterall. But now he's actually got to take an active part in making a decision.

The problem is what happens next.
What happens when you have a baby with someone who didn’t want one? Will he support you during your pregnancy, be an active co parent, help manage the chores and tasks a child brings, be emotionally attentive to his child? How would this strain impact your marriage? How would a divorce impact a child? There’s so much more to this train of thought than just the pregnancy. It’s the dynamic you are entering into for the next 18 years if a child results from it and whether that’s the road you want to go down, with someone who is not interested in fatherhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH has every right to change his mind about becoming a father after marriage but then he should include cost of freezing and storing her eggs until she finds a partner who actually knows what he wants and can stick to it.

As far as advice about just stopping birth control goes, that's stupid and fraudulent. It would ruin not one but three lives.

I don’t think she should go off birth control but I do think if he is the one that doesn’t wants children, he should be considering a vasectomy. Most of the options, freezing eggs, staying on birth control every month for something he wants, not her, delaying even more years to see if he changes his mind again to have children moving her to a high risk pregnancy category due to age - it’s putting the burden on her, with little impact on him, for his decision.

Agree about the burden. I was the PP who said she should inform him she's going off BC.

Right now they have the marriage he wants with an active sex life and no kids. She is the one who has the burden of her fertility waning. She has to ask Dh, convince him, gently cajole, and figure out how to remind him to think about his decion. She has the burden of figuring out if he's ever going to agree and if it's worth a divorce, and when to file for divorce. All he has to do is say he's still thinking about it.

If she chooses, openly, to stop taking a medication, which she has every right to do, suddenly the burden is on him. He has to decide if it's worth risking pregnancy when he wants sex. He has to decide on condoms or a vasectomy. A vasectomy is a commitment to deciding not to have children so now he's the one who has to confront his fertility. He's got to decide if he can deal with her plan or if this is worth a divorce, and start looking for an attorney. Or maybe having a kid isn't that bad of a risk afterall. But now he's actually got to take an active part in making a decision.

The problem is what happens next.
What happens when you have a baby with someone who didn’t want one? Will he support you during your pregnancy, be an active co parent, help manage the chores and tasks a child brings, be emotionally attentive to his child? How would this strain impact your marriage? How would a divorce impact a child? There’s so much more to this train of thought than just the pregnancy. It’s the dynamic you are entering into for the next 18 years if a child results from it and whether that’s the road you want to go down, with someone who is not interested in fatherhood.

And why is that exclusively the problem of OP? Seems to me that her DH, should he not take any actions to avoid pregnancy (use a condom, have a vasectomy), is equally responsible for the strain, divorce, chores etc. It is not OPs job to medicate herself for his convenience.