DH and I at odds over children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH has every right to change his mind about becoming a father after marriage but then he should include cost of freezing and storing her eggs until she finds a partner who actually knows what he wants and can stick to it.

As far as advice about just stopping birth control goes, that's stupid and fraudulent. It would ruin not one but three lives.

I don’t think she should go off birth control but I do think if he is the one that doesn’t wants children, he should be considering a vasectomy. Most of the options, freezing eggs, staying on birth control every month for something he wants, not her, delaying even more years to see if he changes his mind again to have children moving her to a high risk pregnancy category due to age - it’s putting the burden on her, with little impact on him, for his decision.

Agree about the burden. I was the PP who said she should inform him she's going off BC.

Right now they have the marriage he wants with an active sex life and no kids. She is the one who has the burden of her fertility waning. She has to ask Dh, convince him, gently cajole, and figure out how to remind him to think about his decion. She has the burden of figuring out if he's ever going to agree and if it's worth a divorce, and when to file for divorce. All he has to do is say he's still thinking about it.

If she chooses, openly, to stop taking a medication, which she has every right to do, suddenly the burden is on him. He has to decide if it's worth risking pregnancy when he wants sex. He has to decide on condoms or a vasectomy. A vasectomy is a commitment to deciding not to have children so now he's the one who has to confront his fertility. He's got to decide if he can deal with her plan or if this is worth a divorce, and start looking for an attorney. Or maybe having a kid isn't that bad of a risk afterall. But now he's actually got to take an active part in making a decision.

The problem is what happens next.
What happens when you have a baby with someone who didn’t want one? Will he support you during your pregnancy, be an active co parent, help manage the chores and tasks a child brings, be emotionally attentive to his child? How would this strain impact your marriage? How would a divorce impact a child? There’s so much more to this train of thought than just the pregnancy. It’s the dynamic you are entering into for the next 18 years if a child results from it and whether that’s the road you want to go down, with someone who is not interested in fatherhood.

And why is that exclusively the problem of OP? Seems to me that her DH, should he not take any actions to avoid pregnancy (use a condom, have a vasectomy), is equally responsible for the strain, divorce, chores etc. It is not OPs job to medicate herself for his convenience.

The problem is the child’s not OP’s. Does she want to bring a child into the world in that dynamic? I’d suggest no. Stomping your feet and saying it’s not fair isn’t going to make OP’s spouse take up his half or the strain and chores.

Plenty of men who enthusiastically want children don’t do half the strain and chores. Should we wish their kids out of existence?

The person who doesn’t want kids can take responsibility for that decision, particularly because it’s being made unilaterally. I don’t think OP should lie but I also don’t think she needs to take daily medication for only her husband’s benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Freeze your eggs and move on. Make sure you pay for the egg freezing before divorce so he's paying for wasting your time.

+1. I also wouldn’t really wait for another man. Get a sperm donor.

lol you people talk as if she's ordering a happy meal. It'll be more difficult for her to date with a kid.

So? Maybe she doesn’t date? I don’t see the tragedy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Freeze your eggs and move on. Make sure you pay for the egg freezing before divorce so he's paying for wasting your time.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe how many people on here are posting that they married not for love, and/or married to get kids.

This is crazy. I literally don't have any girlfriends who didn't marry for love, where children weren't incidental to the marriage.

I can't imagine spending 70 years with someone that was just a means to an end. Gross.

Are you new here? Most of the threads in the Relationship Forum are because the women posting married as a means solely to have kids and are later pissed that the marriage hasn’t turned out to be all roses.

It’s very apparent.

[Anonymous]

Jeff has confirmed that the OP is a drama loving troll.
Read his synopsis of this OP.

"The final thread that I'll discuss today was posted in the "Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)" forum.
Titled, "DH and I at odds over children", the original poster says that she and her husband had agreed that they wanted children prior to marriage. After getting married, he changed his mind. I believe I have written about a thread previously that was on exactly this same topic.

Moreover, I am convinced that this poster is simply a drama-loving troll and that this scenario is unlikely to be true.
The poster has started a number of threads in which she discusses her children.
She also authored a new thread yesterday titled, "If you stayed married for the kids".
Moreover, she seems to alternate between threads about her husband and threads about her boyfriend.
Frankly, given her complaints about them, I'd hate to be either one.
I guess that I will have to try to do something about this poster who seems to be creating a lot of drama, most of it probably invented."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

I’ve seen this advice on here before and it’s absolutely bonkers.

People are allowed to change their mind about kids. Kids are a huge f’ing deal. People who act flippant about the decision to have kids are not the kind of people you want to have kids with. I don’t know any men who are particularly happy with their marriages and lives post kids (the nicer husbands accept it, but aren’t happy about it). It is rational for men to be wary about this decision.

On the flip side, op is entitled to use the info and make her own decisions.

But don’t stop using BC. You’re insane if you do that.

WTF?? My marriage and three kids are the best things that have ever happened to me, followed closely by being born to great parents. I don’t deserve what I have, but I’m definitely extremely happy about it.

My dh is much happier post kids. He was made to be a dad.

Um...hooray for him? That doensn't help OP. And if you're somehow saying she should do an "oops" baby and expect her DH will love having kids once a kid is actually in the world, well, you're incredibly naive. He might. Or he might hate being a dad. Your experience is nice, but it's not necessarily helpful to OP.

Reading is your friend. This post was in response to the one above it. PP even helpfully highlighted the relevant portion for you.