DH and I at odds over children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe how many people on here are posting that they married not for love, and/or married to get kids.

This is crazy. I literally don't have any girlfriends who didn't marry for love, where children weren't incidental to the marriage.

I can't imagine spending 70 years with someone that was just a means to an end. Gross.

Are you new here? Most of the threads in the Relationship Forum are because the women posting married as a means solely to have kids and are later pissed that the marriage hasn’t turned out to be all roses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe how many people on here are posting that they married not for love, and/or married to get kids.

This is crazy. I literally don't have any girlfriends who didn't marry for love, where children weren't incidental to the marriage.

I can't imagine spending 70 years with someone that was just a means to an end. Gross.

I married my DH, out of all men o dated and the smaller handful that proposed, because he was the one I loved and wanted to build a family with.

But if I didn't want kids, I wouldn't have been in the market for a husband in the first place. Relationship, sure, but not marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Freeze your eggs and move on. Make sure you pay for the egg freezing before divorce so he's paying for wasting your time.

+1. I also wouldn’t really wait for another man. Get a sperm donor.

lol you people talk as if she's ordering a happy meal. It'll be more difficult for her to date with a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am always fascinated by women who are willing to divorce to have a baby. Presumably you loved your DH a ton to marry them and commit to spending your life with them. And now you’d rather not have that person in your life for the theoretical baby that doesn’t yet exist?

If you’re willing to divorce over this, I’m guessing you weren’t that into your DH when you married, and saw it as transactional.

Most women don't marry because they are so in love with their husbands. Most Marty because they want kids and society still frowns on single motherhood. They marry to have a socially acceptable sperm donor

And men marry for love? Lol.

No they marry because their moms harass them to for grandkids.
Because it makes them look good adulting checking boxes women do this too.
Because the sex is good.
Very few people actually marry for love

Also for the tax break. However I do see a lot of men marry chubbies so I'm guessing chubby women must be deep into pleasing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe how many people on here are posting that they married not for love, and/or married to get kids.

This is crazy. I literally don't have any girlfriends who didn't marry for love, where children weren't incidental to the marriage.

I can't imagine spending 70 years with someone that was just a means to an end. Gross.

I’m not sure why it’s gross for women to be strategic thinkers in pursuit of their long terms goals. People are allowed to have different motivating factors for their actions. Check the internalized misogyny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There is absolutely no way I would ever stop birth control without DH’s consent.

He doesn’t need to give you consent. You need to tell him you are stopping and if he wants to ha e sex, he needs to be ok with the consequences.
Also, a child with a DH or and ex-DH is so much better than a child with an unknown sperm donor.

[Anonymous]

I was ambivalent about kids and almost didn’t have any. I love them now and wish I had had time for more! I think people who are not sure can absolutely be pushed into having kids as long as at least one of the parents really wants them. More often than not the ambivalent parent rises to the occasion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here.

I wasn’t ready for children when I was 33 either. I agreed with my wife that we would have kids one day. She wasn’t as determined at 33 either but soon after we decided to half ass try, which basically meant no more birth control and add pre-natal but not giving timing a lot of thought, etc.

We had a lifetime of experiences between 30 and 36 with a high income, flexible jobs, and no responsibilities at home. It took her 2-3 years to get pregnant and 4 more to get pregnant with #2 (at 40). A host of scary complications, miscarriages, premature births. It’s all good now and the kids are doing great - but at 33 we didn’t think the statistics would apply to us.

I don’t regret the time and experiences we had together. It was amazing and it wouldn’t have been possible with 1 or 2 children. Those times changed both of us for the better in significant ways. But I also didn’t realize how immature and shortsighted we were being.

Not a day goes by that I didn’t wish we were younger with kids and that we’d have more time on this earth with them.

That said, I am a better dad at this stage of life than I would have been back then. It would have been fine, I wasn’t any more or less mature than the average 33 year old, but I am a really good dad and good husband now and I learned a lot about life and parenting from the sidelines, introspection, or just observing. I learned new hobbies, we renovated 2 houses, traveled a ton. I used to also imagine an entire life with my wife and no kids. An idea that seems absurd now.

I’m sharing this because 33 isn’t the end of the road. If he never wants kids, now is as good of time as any to part ways. But if you guys are going to use the time wisely to grow as individuals and as a couple, perhaps consider it. But if he just wants to sit around and play club soccer and video games for the next 10 years, forget about it.

Both of you will always wonder about the road not taken, but you cannot travel both.

Have a discussion about your future. If there’s a shared vision but a disagreement about timing, talk about it more. If your paths clearly diverge, now or later, take your own and move on.

Thanks for sharing this. This is us too (1 at 34 and now 2 years of infertility and losses between 36 and 38). It's soul crushing being there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having kids is so overrated, and I love my child. OP, try to think more creatively about life. You promised to love your spouse forever.

I think it’s underrated. I have a reasonably successful career, I have some hobbies, I like to read, I’m involved in our community. DW and I love each other.

But nothing compares to raising our kids. I could walk off my job right now, I’d be replaced in a week and largely forgotten in a year.

Rearing a successive generation is pretty much the only thing 99.999% of us are going to do that holds any significance.

PP here. Agree to disagree. I would die for my kid in a second, but the thing that brings me this kind of existential purpose and joy is my marriage, not my child

Np. You are the exception, not the rule. My kids, gosh even my dog, trump my husband and really any husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having kids is so overrated, and I love my child. OP, try to think more creatively about life. You promised to love your spouse forever.

I think it’s underrated. I have a reasonably successful career, I have some hobbies, I like to read, I’m involved in our community. DW and I love each other.

But nothing compares to raising our kids. I could walk off my job right now, I’d be replaced in a week and largely forgotten in a year.

Rearing a successive generation is pretty much the only thing 99.999% of us are going to do that holds any significance.

PP here. Agree to disagree. I would die for my kid in a second, but the thing that brings me this kind of existential purpose and joy is my marriage, not my child

Np. You are the exception, not the rule. My kids, gosh even my dog, trump my husband and really any husband.

An animal trumps the person who is supposed to be your soulmate? Yikes. (And I say that as a dog lover)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH has every right to change his mind about becoming a father after marriage but then he should include cost of freezing and storing her eggs until she finds a partner who actually knows what he wants and can stick to it.

As far as advice about just stopping birth control goes, that's stupid and fraudulent. It would ruin not one but three lives.

I don’t think she should go off birth control but I do think if he is the one that doesn’t wants children, he should be considering a vasectomy. Most of the options, freezing eggs, staying on birth control every month for something he wants, not her, delaying even more years to see if he changes his mind again to have children moving her to a high risk pregnancy category due to age - it’s putting the burden on her, with little impact on him, for his decision.

Agree about the burden. I was the PP who said she should inform him she's going off BC.

Right now they have the marriage he wants with an active sex life and no kids. She is the one who has the burden of her fertility waning. She has to ask Dh, convince him, gently cajole, and figure out how to remind him to think about his decion. She has the burden of figuring out if he's ever going to agree and if it's worth a divorce, and when to file for divorce. All he has to do is say he's still thinking about it.

If she chooses, openly, to stop taking a medication, which she has every right to do, suddenly the burden is on him. He has to decide if it's worth risking pregnancy when he wants sex. He has to decide on condoms or a vasectomy. A vasectomy is a commitment to deciding not to have children so now he's the one who has to confront his fertility. He's got to decide if he can deal with her plan or if this is worth a divorce, and start looking for an attorney. Or maybe having a kid isn't that bad of a risk afterall. But now he's actually got to take an active part in making a decision.

The problem is what happens next.
What happens when you have a baby with someone who didn’t want one? Will he support you during your pregnancy, be an active co parent, help manage the chores and tasks a child brings, be emotionally attentive to his child? How would this strain impact your marriage? How would a divorce impact a child? There’s so much more to this train of thought than just the pregnancy. It’s the dynamic you are entering into for the next 18 years if a child results from it and whether that’s the road you want to go down, with someone who is not interested in fatherhood.

OK, so he'd be a lame half-assed father like the majority of men I know. Worst case, they divorce, and at least she'd still have a kid. If she divorces now, she could be left with neither a husband or kid.

+1. Divorced with a child is better than not having a child. Provided there are no financial concerns.
Most sperm donors are weirdos with mental issues or low IQ anyway. Better procreate with someone you know, and if they have no desire to participate in raising the child, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having kids is so overrated, and I love my child. OP, try to think more creatively about life. You promised to love your spouse forever.

I think it’s underrated. I have a reasonably successful career, I have some hobbies, I like to read, I’m involved in our community. DW and I love each other.

But nothing compares to raising our kids. I could walk off my job right now, I’d be replaced in a week and largely forgotten in a year.

Rearing a successive generation is pretty much the only thing 99.999% of us are going to do that holds any significance.

PP here. Agree to disagree. I would die for my kid in a second, but the thing that brings me this kind of existential purpose and joy is my marriage, not my child

Np. You are the exception, not the rule. My kids, gosh even my dog, trump my husband and really any husband.

An animal trumps the person who is supposed to be your soulmate? Yikes. (And I say that as a dog lover)

I meant in terms of the daily joy one brings me vs. the other. If there was a fire, sure I would save my husband over our dog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having kids is so overrated, and I love my child. OP, try to think more creatively about life. You promised to love your spouse forever.

I think it’s underrated. I have a reasonably successful career, I have some hobbies, I like to read, I’m involved in our community. DW and I love each other.

But nothing compares to raising our kids. I could walk off my job right now, I’d be replaced in a week and largely forgotten in a year.

Rearing a successive generation is pretty much the only thing 99.999% of us are going to do that holds any significance.

PP here. Agree to disagree. I would die for my kid in a second, but the thing that brings me this kind of existential purpose and joy is my marriage, not my child

Np. You are the exception, not the rule. My kids, gosh even my dog, trump my husband and really any husband.

An animal trumps the person who is supposed to be your soulmate? Yikes. (And I say that as a dog lover)

You haven't owned the right dog. Mine was a true kid. He'd shower me with love and affection and kisses. He'd even put his little furry paws around me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having kids is so overrated, and I love my child. OP, try to think more creatively about life. You promised to love your spouse forever.

I think it’s underrated. I have a reasonably successful career, I have some hobbies, I like to read, I’m involved in our community. DW and I love each other.

But nothing compares to raising our kids. I could walk off my job right now, I’d be replaced in a week and largely forgotten in a year.

Rearing a successive generation is pretty much the only thing 99.999% of us are going to do that holds any significance.

PP here. Agree to disagree. I would die for my kid in a second, but the thing that brings me this kind of existential purpose and joy is my marriage, not my child

Np. You are the exception, not the rule. My kids, gosh even my dog, trump my husband and really any husband.

An animal trumps the person who is supposed to be your soulmate? Yikes. (And I say that as a dog lover)

I meant in terms of the daily joy one brings me vs. the other. If there was a fire, sure I would save my husband over our dog.

So is it kids> husband > then dog?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just to mess with him as you plan your exit, tell him you’re cool with not having kids and that he should go asap to get a vasectomy.

If he doesn’t jump at the chance to do this, the problem is he doesn’t want kids with YOU, and you’re better off. If he does jump at the chance to do this, you’ll have gotten the last laugh putting him through an uncomfortable process, and you’re better off in this scenario too.

I have good ideas. You’re welcome.

Ohh, very diabolical!

Possibly two uncomfortable procedures if he has to get it reversed to lead on the next woman… honestly you should do this it’s a public service.