DH and I at odds over children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be curious what the man hating club would say about a marriage where the man and woman both agreed about wanting kids before marriage - but a few years in, the woman was unable or unwilling to have kids. Would this be grounds for a divorce? Would there be so much vitriol for the woman?

I don’t see any man hating in this thread. This is about a dealbreaker in marriage for at least one of the parties, and a fair one.

NP who agrees. If a couple marries having discussed and agreed to have children, and then one reneges or changes their mind, the other spouse has to decide whether it is a dealbreaker for them or not. If it is, divorce is the only answer.

Also, OP should freeze her eggs. At 33, she doesn't have that much time to go through a divorce, date, remarry, and get pregnant. It would be prudent to freeze eggs asap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be curious what the man hating club would say about a marriage where the man and woman both agreed about wanting kids before marriage - but a few years in, the woman was unable or unwilling to have kids. Would this be grounds for a divorce? Would there be so much vitriol for the woman?

There is a difference between unable and unwilling. Unwilling would be going back on an agreement that had been made before the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Does he make enough for you to quit and SAH? Otherwise he is a wise man to avoidi your future resentment for not providing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

I’ve seen this advice on here before and it’s absolutely bonkers.

People are allowed to change their mind about kids. Kids are a huge f’ing deal. People who act flippant about the decision to have kids are not the kind of people you want to have kids with. I don’t know any men who are particularly happy with their marriages and lives post kids (the nicer husbands accept it, but aren’t happy about it). It is rational for men to be wary about this decision.

On the flip side, op is entitled to use the info and make her own decisions.

But don’t stop using BC. You’re insane if you do that.

Totally inaccurate. Many men love having kids. Many men want a lot of kids. Many men do not feel accomplished in life without kids. I would feel uncomfortable married to a person like this. I would get an annulment and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

I’ve seen this advice on here before and it’s absolutely bonkers.

People are allowed to change their mind about kids. Kids are a huge f’ing deal. People who act flippant about the decision to have kids are not the kind of people you want to have kids with. I don’t know any men who are particularly happy with their marriages and lives post kids (the nicer husbands accept it, but aren’t happy about it). It is rational for men to be wary about this decision.

On the flip side, op is entitled to use the info and make her own decisions.

But don’t stop using BC. You’re insane if you do that.

WTF?? My marriage and three kids are the best things that have ever happened to me, followed closely by being born to great parents. I don’t deserve what I have, but I’m definitely extremely happy about it.

My dh is much happier post kids. He was made to be a dad.

I hate when people speak for their spouses. You really don't know.

In a good or even decent marriage, most people can pretty adequately assess their spouse’s level of happiness.

Untrue. My ex was shocked I wanted a divorce. We had not shared a bedroom in 7 years. He was perfectly happy and assumed I was fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing wrong with being open and upfront about pulling birth control. He can handle his seed if he doesn't want kids. Lay the cards out on the table and move forward. He can be in charge of birth control, agree to see what happens or decide to divorce. You have the clock, not him.

It's not insane to stop using birth control.

It is insane to have children with someone who doesn't want to have children.

It’s insane for someone who doesn’t want children to have unprotected sex. Why do you assume someone else is responsible for this man’s reproductive choices?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be curious what the man hating club would say about a marriage where the man and woman both agreed about wanting kids before marriage - but a few years in, the woman was unable or unwilling to have kids. Would this be grounds for a divorce? Would there be so much vitriol for the woman?

Men often father children into their 70s. Women’s fertility declines from around age 30 and dramatically after 35. OP is already 33.

So no, I would not have as much criticism of woman who wastes a few years of a man’s life as I would for a man who wastes prime child bearing years of a woman’s life. Biology is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am always fascinated by women who are willing to divorce to have a baby. Presumably you loved your DH a ton to marry them and commit to spending your life with them. And now you’d rather not have that person in your life for the theoretical baby that doesn’t yet exist?

If you’re willing to divorce over this, I’m guessing you weren’t that into your DH when you married, and saw it as transactional.

Most women don't marry because they are so in love with their husbands. Most Marty because they want kids and society still frowns on single motherhood. They marry to have a socially acceptable sperm donor

And men marry for love? Lol.

No they marry because their moms harass them to for grandkids.
Because it makes them look good adulting checking boxes women do this too.
Because the sex is good.
Very few people actually marry for love

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - how many years ago did you marry, and for how long has this been a "fight"?

What other "hard topics" has be failed to get back to you on, and what did you do (or not do) in response?

This is key op.

Has op been back?

Kinda think op is a troll who makes the same thread every other month

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Freeze your eggs and move on. Make sure you pay for the egg freezing before divorce so he's paying for wasting your time.

+1. I also wouldn’t really wait for another man. Get a sperm donor.

Yes, I like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing wrong with being open and upfront about pulling birth control. He can handle his seed if he doesn't want kids. Lay the cards out on the table and move forward. He can be in charge of birth control, agree to see what happens or decide to divorce. You have the clock, not him.

It's not insane to stop using birth control.

It is insane to have children with someone who doesn't want to have children.

It’s insane for someone who doesn’t want children to have unprotected sex. Why do you assume someone else is responsible for this man’s reproductive choices?

100%

OP wants kids, as agreed upon.

Both OP and her husband want to be married.

He needs to be in charge of the birth control. If he’s serious about not have kids he can go get a vasectomy.

[Anonymous]

OP, just to mess with him as you plan your exit, tell him you’re cool with not having kids and that he should go asap to get a vasectomy.

If he doesn’t jump at the chance to do this, the problem is he doesn’t want kids with YOU, and you’re better off. If he does jump at the chance to do this, you’ll have gotten the last laugh putting him through an uncomfortable process, and you’re better off in this scenario too.

I have good ideas. You’re welcome.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe how many people on here are posting that they married not for love, and/or married to get kids.

This is crazy. I literally don't have any girlfriends who didn't marry for love, where children weren't incidental to the marriage.

I can't imagine spending 70 years with someone that was just a means to an end. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just to mess with him as you plan your exit, tell him you’re cool with not having kids and that he should go asap to get a vasectomy.

If he doesn’t jump at the chance to do this, the problem is he doesn’t want kids with YOU, and you’re better off. If he does jump at the chance to do this, you’ll have gotten the last laugh putting him through an uncomfortable process, and you’re better off in this scenario too.

I have good ideas. You’re welcome.

Ohh, very diabolical!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am always fascinated by women who are willing to divorce to have a baby. Presumably you loved your DH a ton to marry them and commit to spending your life with them. And now you’d rather not have that person in your life for the theoretical baby that doesn’t yet exist?

If you’re willing to divorce over this, I’m guessing you weren’t that into your DH when you married, and saw it as transactional.

Most women don't marry because they are so in love with their husbands. Most Marty because they want kids and society still frowns on single motherhood. They marry to have a socially acceptable sperm donor

And men marry for love? Lol.

No they marry because their moms harass them to for grandkids.
Because it makes them look good adulting checking boxes women do this too.
Because the sex is good.
Very few people actually marry for love

Agreed. Lots of men get married just so they can sit in meetings with the boss and say "my wife this, my wife that, here's a pic of my kid, see I'm an adult like you."