DH and I at odds over children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am always fascinated by women who are willing to divorce to have a baby. Presumably you loved your DH a ton to marry them and commit to spending your life with them. And now you’d rather not have that person in your life for the theoretical baby that doesn’t yet exist?

If you’re willing to divorce over this, I’m guessing you weren’t that into your DH when you married, and saw it as transactional.

What an asinine take. If someone wants kids, they want kids. If DH changes his mind and doesn’t want kids, why should a woman stick around?

+1

Besides, there's no guarantees DH will stick around. Could you imagine if you were mid-40s and DH left you for someone else and decided to have kids with the new woman?

[Anonymous]

We went to group therapy about this. Eventually DH said ok. It was still weird. I think we had sex with protection sometimes and sometimes not. I ended up getting pregnant immediately. After my son was born, he said “you were right about him.” He’s been a great dad.

[Anonymous]

I should have written “couples therapy.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

I’ve seen this advice on here before and it’s absolutely bonkers.

People are allowed to change their mind about kids. Kids are a huge f’ing deal. People who act flippant about the decision to have kids are not the kind of people you want to have kids with. I don’t know any men who are particularly happy with their marriages and lives post kids (the nicer husbands accept it, but aren’t happy about it). It is rational for men to be wary about this decision.

On the flip side, op is entitled to use the info and make her own decisions.

But don’t stop using BC. You’re insane if you do that.

Noooo… you can’t agree to have children and then “change your mind.” Marriage should be annulled- he is either deceptive or flaky and has other way, not suitable for marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

I’ve seen this advice on here before and it’s absolutely bonkers.

People are allowed to change their mind about kids. Kids are a huge f’ing deal. People who act flippant about the decision to have kids are not the kind of people you want to have kids with. I don’t know any men who are particularly happy with their marriages and lives post kids (the nicer husbands accept it, but aren’t happy about it). It is rational for men to be wary about this decision.

On the flip side, op is entitled to use the info and make her own decisions.

But don’t stop using BC. You’re insane if you do that.

Noooo… you can’t agree to have children and then “change your mind.” Marriage should be annulled- he is either deceptive or flaky and has other way, not suitable for marriage.

Yes, you 1000% can agree and the change your mind. Absolutely no one should be forced to be a parent.

Divorce or annulment is the same process in many states. Either way, OP needs to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am always fascinated by women who are willing to divorce to have a baby. Presumably you loved your DH a ton to marry them and commit to spending your life with them. And now you’d rather not have that person in your life for the theoretical baby that doesn’t yet exist?

If you’re willing to divorce over this, I’m guessing you weren’t that into your DH when you married, and saw it as transactional.

You don’t have to marry to spend your life with the one you love. Marriage is for children.

[Anonymous]

OP you still have plenty of time. The average DCUM woman waits until she’s 107 to have kids and then judges younger mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

I’ve seen this advice on here before and it’s absolutely bonkers.

People are allowed to change their mind about kids. Kids are a huge f’ing deal. People who act flippant about the decision to have kids are not the kind of people you want to have kids with. I don’t know any men who are particularly happy with their marriages and lives post kids (the nicer husbands accept it, but aren’t happy about it). It is rational for men to be wary about this decision.

On the flip side, op is entitled to use the info and make her own decisions.

But don’t stop using BC. You’re insane if you do that.

WTF?? My marriage and three kids are the best things that have ever happened to me, followed closely by being born to great parents. I don’t deserve what I have, but I’m definitely extremely happy about it.

+1 I think PP is projecting. And I actually know tons of men who wanted more kids than the wives. Just recently a dad was trying to recruit for the “4 kid club” at a birthday party.

Same here. In my experience it’s usually the women who push for the first kid, but after that it’s the man trying to convince her to go for “one more.”

[Anonymous]

Divorce now, you don't have time to waste.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There is absolutely no way I would ever stop birth control without DH’s consent.

He didn't consult with you in changing his mind about a pretty important pre-marital discussion.

Agree. OP cares so much about his feelings and desires. How about thinking about your happiness and wishes?

[Anonymous]

I would have stopped birth control 6 months after the wedding.

You’re playing yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a therapist and an attorney on Monday. Starting counseling for yourself and file for divorce.

This. All of it. You’re asking about how to gently remind him about decisions that impact your life when your focus needs to be on taking control of your life.

+1

Be firm and direct. No more gentle reminders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am always fascinated by women who are willing to divorce to have a baby. Presumably you loved your DH a ton to marry them and commit to spending your life with them. And now you’d rather not have that person in your life for the theoretical baby that doesn’t yet exist?

If you’re willing to divorce over this, I’m guessing you weren’t that into your DH when you married, and saw it as transactional.

Most women don't marry because they are so in love with their husbands. Most Marty because they want kids and society still frowns on single motherhood. They marry to have a socially acceptable sperm donor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am always fascinated by women who are willing to divorce to have a baby. Presumably you loved your DH a ton to marry them and commit to spending your life with them. And now you’d rather not have that person in your life for the theoretical baby that doesn’t yet exist?

If you’re willing to divorce over this, I’m guessing you weren’t that into your DH when you married, and saw it as transactional.

Most women don't marry because they are so in love with their husbands. Most Marty because they want kids and society still frowns on single motherhood. They marry to have a socially acceptable sperm donor

And men marry for love? Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - how many years ago did you marry, and for how long has this been a "fight"?

What other "hard topics" has be failed to get back to you on, and what did you do (or not do) in response?

This is key op.