DH and I at odds over children

[Anonymous]

Having kids is so overrated, and I love my child. OP, try to think more creatively about life. You promised to love your spouse forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

I’ve seen this advice on here before and it’s absolutely bonkers.

People are allowed to change their mind about kids. Kids are a huge f’ing deal. People who act flippant about the decision to have kids are not the kind of people you want to have kids with. I don’t know any men who are particularly happy with their marriages and lives post kids (the nicer husbands accept it, but aren’t happy about it). It is rational for men to be wary about this decision.

On the flip side, op is entitled to use the info and make her own decisions.

But don’t stop using BC. You’re insane if you do that.

Noooo… you can’t agree to have children and then “change your mind.” Marriage should be annulled- he is either deceptive or flaky and has other way, not suitable for marriage.

You are suggesting OP leave her marriage - annullment isn't really any different from divorce, unless you're Catholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having kids is so overrated, and I love my child. OP, try to think more creatively about life. You promised to love your spouse forever.

nope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH has every right to change his mind about becoming a father after marriage but then he should include cost of freezing and storing her eggs until she finds a partner who actually knows what he wants and can stick to it.

As far as advice about just stopping birth control goes, that's stupid and fraudulent. It would ruin not one but three lives.

I don’t think she should go off birth control but I do think if he is the one that doesn’t wants children, he should be considering a vasectomy. Most of the options, freezing eggs, staying on birth control every month for something he wants, not her, delaying even more years to see if he changes his mind again to have children moving her to a high risk pregnancy category due to age - it’s putting the burden on her, with little impact on him, for his decision.

Agree about the burden. I was the PP who said she should inform him she's going off BC.

Right now they have the marriage he wants with an active sex life and no kids. She is the one who has the burden of her fertility waning. She has to ask Dh, convince him, gently cajole, and figure out how to remind him to think about his decion. She has the burden of figuring out if he's ever going to agree and if it's worth a divorce, and when to file for divorce. All he has to do is say he's still thinking about it.

If she chooses, openly, to stop taking a medication, which she has every right to do, suddenly the burden is on him. He has to decide if it's worth risking pregnancy when he wants sex. He has to decide on condoms or a vasectomy. A vasectomy is a commitment to deciding not to have children so now he's the one who has to confront his fertility. He's got to decide if he can deal with her plan or if this is worth a divorce, and start looking for an attorney. Or maybe having a kid isn't that bad of a risk afterall. But now he's actually got to take an active part in making a decision.

The problem is what happens next.
What happens when you have a baby with someone who didn’t want one? Will he support you during your pregnancy, be an active co parent, help manage the chores and tasks a child brings, be emotionally attentive to his child? How would this strain impact your marriage? How would a divorce impact a child? There’s so much more to this train of thought than just the pregnancy. It’s the dynamic you are entering into for the next 18 years if a child results from it and whether that’s the road you want to go down, with someone who is not interested in fatherhood.

Yeah, her next 18 years’ of posts in this forum write themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH has every right to change his mind about becoming a father after marriage but then he should include cost of freezing and storing her eggs until she finds a partner who actually knows what he wants and can stick to it.

As far as advice about just stopping birth control goes, that's stupid and fraudulent. It would ruin not one but three lives.

I don’t think she should go off birth control but I do think if he is the one that doesn’t wants children, he should be considering a vasectomy. Most of the options, freezing eggs, staying on birth control every month for something he wants, not her, delaying even more years to see if he changes his mind again to have children moving her to a high risk pregnancy category due to age - it’s putting the burden on her, with little impact on him, for his decision.

Agree about the burden. I was the PP who said she should inform him she's going off BC.

Right now they have the marriage he wants with an active sex life and no kids. She is the one who has the burden of her fertility waning. She has to ask Dh, convince him, gently cajole, and figure out how to remind him to think about his decion. She has the burden of figuring out if he's ever going to agree and if it's worth a divorce, and when to file for divorce. All he has to do is say he's still thinking about it.

If she chooses, openly, to stop taking a medication, which she has every right to do, suddenly the burden is on him. He has to decide if it's worth risking pregnancy when he wants sex. He has to decide on condoms or a vasectomy. A vasectomy is a commitment to deciding not to have children so now he's the one who has to confront his fertility. He's got to decide if he can deal with her plan or if this is worth a divorce, and start looking for an attorney. Or maybe having a kid isn't that bad of a risk afterall. But now he's actually got to take an active part in making a decision.

The problem is what happens next.
What happens when you have a baby with someone who didn’t want one? Will he support you during your pregnancy, be an active co parent, help manage the chores and tasks a child brings, be emotionally attentive to his child? How would this strain impact your marriage? How would a divorce impact a child? There’s so much more to this train of thought than just the pregnancy. It’s the dynamic you are entering into for the next 18 years if a child results from it and whether that’s the road you want to go down, with someone who is not interested in fatherhood.

And why is that exclusively the problem of OP? Seems to me that her DH, should he not take any actions to avoid pregnancy (use a condom, have a vasectomy), is equally responsible for the strain, divorce, chores etc. It is not OPs job to medicate herself for his convenience.

That is a cold mfin approach to making a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here.

I wasn’t ready for children when I was 33 either. I agreed with my wife that we would have kids one day. She wasn’t as determined at 33 either but soon after we decided to half ass try, which basically meant no more birth control and add pre-natal but not giving timing a lot of thought, etc.

We had a lifetime of experiences between 30 and 36 with a high income, flexible jobs, and no responsibilities at home. It took her 2-3 years to get pregnant and 4 more to get pregnant with #2 (at 40). A host of scary complications, miscarriages, premature births. It’s all good now and the kids are doing great - but at 33 we didn’t think the statistics would apply to us.

I don’t regret the time and experiences we had together. It was amazing and it wouldn’t have been possible with 1 or 2 children. Those times changed both of us for the better in significant ways. But I also didn’t realize how immature and shortsighted we were being.

Not a day goes by that I didn’t wish we were younger with kids and that we’d have more time on this earth with them.

That said, I am a better dad at this stage of life than I would have been back then. It would have been fine, I wasn’t any more or less mature than the average 33 year old, but I am a really good dad and good husband now and I learned a lot about life and parenting from the sidelines, introspection, or just observing. I learned new hobbies, we renovated 2 houses, traveled a ton. I used to also imagine an entire life with my wife and no kids. An idea that seems absurd now.

I’m sharing this because 33 isn’t the end of the road. If he never wants kids, now is as good of time as any to part ways. But if you guys are going to use the time wisely to grow as individuals and as a couple, perhaps consider it. But if he just wants to sit around and play club soccer and video games for the next 10 years, forget about it.

Both of you will always wonder about the road not taken, but you cannot travel both.

Have a discussion about your future. If there’s a shared vision but a disagreement about timing, talk about it more. If your paths clearly diverge, now or later, take your own and move on.

Respectfully, WTF is wrong with a generation of UMC people who treat early 30s like their adolescence?

NP DH. My thoughts exactly. Perfect question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH has every right to change his mind about becoming a father after marriage but then he should include cost of freezing and storing her eggs until she finds a partner who actually knows what he wants and can stick to it.

As far as advice about just stopping birth control goes, that's stupid and fraudulent. It would ruin not one but three lives.

I don’t think she should go off birth control but I do think if he is the one that doesn’t wants children, he should be considering a vasectomy. Most of the options, freezing eggs, staying on birth control every month for something he wants, not her, delaying even more years to see if he changes his mind again to have children moving her to a high risk pregnancy category due to age - it’s putting the burden on her, with little impact on him, for his decision.

Agree about the burden. I was the PP who said she should inform him she's going off BC.

Right now they have the marriage he wants with an active sex life and no kids. She is the one who has the burden of her fertility waning. She has to ask Dh, convince him, gently cajole, and figure out how to remind him to think about his decion. She has the burden of figuring out if he's ever going to agree and if it's worth a divorce, and when to file for divorce. All he has to do is say he's still thinking about it.

If she chooses, openly, to stop taking a medication, which she has every right to do, suddenly the burden is on him. He has to decide if it's worth risking pregnancy when he wants sex. He has to decide on condoms or a vasectomy. A vasectomy is a commitment to deciding not to have children so now he's the one who has to confront his fertility. He's got to decide if he can deal with her plan or if this is worth a divorce, and start looking for an attorney. Or maybe having a kid isn't that bad of a risk afterall. But now he's actually got to take an active part in making a decision.

The problem is what happens next.
What happens when you have a baby with someone who didn’t want one? Will he support you during your pregnancy, be an active co parent, help manage the chores and tasks a child brings, be emotionally attentive to his child? How would this strain impact your marriage? How would a divorce impact a child? There’s so much more to this train of thought than just the pregnancy. It’s the dynamic you are entering into for the next 18 years if a child results from it and whether that’s the road you want to go down, with someone who is not interested in fatherhood.

And why is that exclusively the problem of OP? Seems to me that her DH, should he not take any actions to avoid pregnancy (use a condom, have a vasectomy), is equally responsible for the strain, divorce, chores etc. It is not OPs job to medicate herself for his convenience.

That is a cold mfin approach to making a family.

it also explains so much about the posts that we read in this thread!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having kids is so overrated, and I love my child. OP, try to think more creatively about life. You promised to love your spouse forever.

I think it’s underrated. I have a reasonably successful career, I have some hobbies, I like to read, I’m involved in our community. DW and I love each other.

But nothing compares to raising our kids. I could walk off my job right now, I’d be replaced in a week and largely forgotten in a year.

Rearing a successive generation is pretty much the only thing 99.999% of us are going to do that holds any significance.

[Anonymous]

The problem here is we have no idea if OP's DH is truly not ready and has normal apprehensions and avoidance, or if OP's DH really truly is yearning for a child-free life.

Both are normal, both are allowed, both are totally valid. So is OP's desire to be a parent, even if it means giving up her marriage (and if OP really wants to be a parent, now is a good time to start over...hard and heartbreaking, yes, but it always is).

OP, I would encourage you to acknowledge his position -- whatever it is -- is valid. Tell him in a month you are going to have to make a tough choice about your own future, and in the span of that month do some hard thinking. Consider a therapist for couples, but IMO that wasn't helpful.

My DH did not want to be a dad but wanted to be with me. So we have a child. Our life as a family is wonderful. He's a very good dad. He loves our teenager very much. We are good. It's fine. I realize this would not work out the same for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having kids is so overrated, and I love my child. OP, try to think more creatively about life. You promised to love your spouse forever.

I think it’s underrated. I have a reasonably successful career, I have some hobbies, I like to read, I’m involved in our community. DW and I love each other.

But nothing compares to raising our kids. I could walk off my job right now, I’d be replaced in a week and largely forgotten in a year.

Rearing a successive generation is pretty much the only thing 99.999% of us are going to do that holds any significance.

PP here. Agree to disagree. I would die for my kid in a second, but the thing that brings me this kind of existential purpose and joy is my marriage, not my child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op please don’t be me.

I wanted children desperately and had been dreaming of a family of my own for a long time. I met my husband at 23. We started dating at 24 and had a courthouse marriage at 27 as I had immigration issues. I was thrilled as I always wanted to be a younger mom. I figured we had a few years to figure out family stuff.

By the time we turned 30, I developed baby fever. I said I wanted to TTC. He said he was not ready as I did not have a great job and he wasn’t making enough with extra left over after paying $800 for his school loans per month. He said we can TTC once we had a better income.

By 32, he developed alcoholism and cheated on me. I was devastated as everyone around me was having babies and moving on with their lives. I was terrified of starting over and covid hit. I was terrified and alone and confused. We quarantined together. Our marriage was fragile but we were slowly coming together. He quit his work to pursue entrepreneurship which surprisingly took off post covid.
By 34, we were in a better place. I had doubts about the marriage given his cheating but again, time was ticking. We tentatively started TTC. I got pregnant at first try! But alas, it was a ruptured ectopic where I almost died! I had major abdominal surgery and we couldn’t TTC for most of that year.
At 35, we TTC again. I got pregnant in a few months but it was another ectopic! This one was caught early but I lost my last remaining tube.

I am now 36 and have waited 6 months to begin my first IVF cycle.

I never ever imagined I’d be 36 and childless. My marriage is also rocky as the lovely man I thought I married has become so different and difficult.

It’s a mess.

This seems to be more about alcoholism than waiting to have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having kids is so overrated, and I love my child. OP, try to think more creatively about life. You promised to love your spouse forever.

I think it’s underrated. I have a reasonably successful career, I have some hobbies, I like to read, I’m involved in our community. DW and I love each other.

But nothing compares to raising our kids. I could walk off my job right now, I’d be replaced in a week and largely forgotten in a year.

Rearing a successive generation is pretty much the only thing 99.999% of us are going to do that holds any significance.

Agreed. A job is just an avenue to have money to improve your kids’ lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having kids is so overrated, and I love my child. OP, try to think more creatively about life. You promised to love your spouse forever.

Disagree 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having kids is so overrated, and I love my child. OP, try to think more creatively about life. You promised to love your spouse forever.

I think it’s underrated. I have a reasonably successful career, I have some hobbies, I like to read, I’m involved in our community. DW and I love each other.

But nothing compares to raising our kids. I could walk off my job right now, I’d be replaced in a week and largely forgotten in a year.

Rearing a successive generation is pretty much the only thing 99.999% of us are going to do that holds any significance.

Isn't that the truth? I think about my career I was so invested in 20 years ago and it doesn't really exist in its current form anymore. I'm glad I had children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having kids is so overrated, and I love my child. OP, try to think more creatively about life. You promised to love your spouse forever.

I think it’s underrated. I have a reasonably successful career, I have some hobbies, I like to read, I’m involved in our community. DW and I love each other.

But nothing compares to raising our kids. I could walk off my job right now, I’d be replaced in a week and largely forgotten in a year.

Rearing a successive generation is pretty much the only thing 99.999% of us are going to do that holds any significance.

PP here. Agree to disagree. I would die for my kid in a second, but the thing that brings me this kind of existential purpose and joy is my marriage, not my child

Most people would want both. OP's spouse is going in a different direction without her consent. She should be able to continue on the path that was promised to her (marriage and children).