DH and I at odds over children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

I’ve seen this advice on here before and it’s absolutely bonkers.

People are allowed to change their mind about kids. Kids are a huge f’ing deal. People who act flippant about the decision to have kids are not the kind of people you want to have kids with. I don’t know any men who are particularly happy with their marriages and lives post kids (the nicer husbands accept it, but aren’t happy about it). It is rational for men to be wary about this decision.

On the flip side, op is entitled to use the info and make her own decisions.

But don’t stop using BC. You’re insane if you do that.

WTF?? My marriage and three kids are the best things that have ever happened to me, followed closely by being born to great parents. I don’t deserve what I have, but I’m definitely extremely happy about it.

My dh is much happier post kids. He was made to be a dad.

Um...hooray for him? That doensn't help OP. And if you're somehow saying she should do an "oops" baby and expect her DH will love having kids once a kid is actually in the world, well, you're incredibly naive. He might. Or he might hate being a dad. Your experience is nice, but it's not necessarily helpful to OP.

Ok but PP is responding to the idea that men are rarely happy to be parents. In my experience men are happier than women in parenthood.

[Anonymous]

freeze eggs (and maybe embryos now) and leave. at 33 you can still meet, marry and have kids with someone, but not if you're dithering over whether to end things. I think your DH needs to answer this weekend or you proceed as if the answer is no.

and, do you really want to have kids with someone who can't decide after 3 years of marriage (and prior agreement?). Plenty of men do want children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

I’ve seen this advice on here before and it’s absolutely bonkers.

People are allowed to change their mind about kids. Kids are a huge f’ing deal. People who act flippant about the decision to have kids are not the kind of people you want to have kids with. I don’t know any men who are particularly happy with their marriages and lives post kids (the nicer husbands accept it, but aren’t happy about it). It is rational for men to be wary about this decision.

On the flip side, op is entitled to use the info and make her own decisions.

But don’t stop using BC. You’re insane if you do that.

WTF?? My marriage and three kids are the best things that have ever happened to me, followed closely by being born to great parents. I don’t deserve what I have, but I’m definitely extremely happy about it.

My dh is much happier post kids. He was made to be a dad.

Um...hooray for him? That doensn't help OP. And if you're somehow saying she should do an "oops" baby and expect her DH will love having kids once a kid is actually in the world, well, you're incredibly naive. He might. Or he might hate being a dad. Your experience is nice, but it's not necessarily helpful to OP.

Some dads want kids and when they get them they hate it.

I agree, go off birth control and call his bluff.

[Anonymous]

Interesting that all the reactions to the suggestion of telling DH that she won't take birth control are "don't force a child on him," ie everyone assumes that his choice will be to keep having sex and let the chips fall. Suddenly, when it's in service of his horniness, he won't need weekends to think and contemplate on what he wants to do!

[Anonymous]

Honestly I’d consider divorce. Even if you have kids, you’ll likely do most of the childcare. Since I wanted kids more than my husband (he wanted them just not as much as me), he thinks I should do everything. When I insist he helps more, it results in fights and him saying I wanted them. It’s shitty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There is absolutely no way I would ever stop birth control without DH’s consent.

Consent or notification? Those are two different things. The PP who suggested it didn’t advocate doing it secretly.

Stop it. That is horrible, horrible advice. No sane person would ever follow this advice.

I do know women who’ve said they were done being in charge of birth control in the relationship. Turns out lots of men prefer a child to getting a vasectomy or buying a condom. Go figure.

Try this and report back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that all the reactions to the suggestion of telling DH that she won't take birth control are "don't force a child on him," ie everyone assumes that his choice will be to keep having sex and let the chips fall. Suddenly, when it's in service of his horniness, he won't need weekends to think and contemplate on what he wants to do!

Well my reasoning is that you should only have kids with an enthusiastic coparent.

Millennial men want to be dads. There are endless think pieces about how this generation of women don’t want kids and men are upset about it. Why push things with the guy who doesn’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I’d consider divorce. Even if you have kids, you’ll likely do most of the childcare. Since I wanted kids more than my husband (he wanted them just not as much as me), he thinks I should do everything. When I insist he helps more, it results in fights and him saying I wanted them. It’s shitty.

This. My DH wanted kids more. I still do FAR more but he’s always grateful. That’s the only way.

[Anonymous]

Man here.

I wasn’t ready for children when I was 33 either. I agreed with my wife that we would have kids one day. She wasn’t as determined at 33 either but soon after we decided to half ass try, which basically meant no more birth control and add pre-natal but not giving timing a lot of thought, etc.

We had a lifetime of experiences between 30 and 36 with a high income, flexible jobs, and no responsibilities at home. It took her 2-3 years to get pregnant and 4 more to get pregnant with #2 (at 40). A host of scary complications, miscarriages, premature births. It’s all good now and the kids are doing great - but at 33 we didn’t think the statistics would apply to us.

I don’t regret the time and experiences we had together. It was amazing and it wouldn’t have been possible with 1 or 2 children. Those times changed both of us for the better in significant ways. But I also didn’t realize how immature and shortsighted we were being.

Not a day goes by that I didn’t wish we were younger with kids and that we’d have more time on this earth with them.

That said, I am a better dad at this stage of life than I would have been back then. It would have been fine, I wasn’t any more or less mature than the average 33 year old, but I am a really good dad and good husband now and I learned a lot about life and parenting from the sidelines, introspection, or just observing. I learned new hobbies, we renovated 2 houses, traveled a ton. I used to also imagine an entire life with my wife and no kids. An idea that seems absurd now.

I’m sharing this because 33 isn’t the end of the road. If he never wants kids, now is as good of time as any to part ways. But if you guys are going to use the time wisely to grow as individuals and as a couple, perhaps consider it. But if he just wants to sit around and play club soccer and video games for the next 10 years, forget about it.

Both of you will always wonder about the road not taken, but you cannot travel both.

Have a discussion about your future. If there’s a shared vision but a disagreement about timing, talk about it more. If your paths clearly diverge, now or later, take your own and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Freeze your eggs and move on. Make sure you pay for the egg freezing before divorce so he's paying for wasting your time.

+1. I also wouldn’t really wait for another man. Get a sperm donor.

This. I’m sorry you wasted so much time
with this man, at least make good financial choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that all the reactions to the suggestion of telling DH that she won't take birth control are "don't force a child on him," ie everyone assumes that his choice will be to keep having sex and let the chips fall. Suddenly, when it's in service of his horniness, he won't need weekends to think and contemplate on what he wants to do!

Weird, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here.

I wasn’t ready for children when I was 33 either. I agreed with my wife that we would have kids one day. She wasn’t as determined at 33 either but soon after we decided to half ass try, which basically meant no more birth control and add pre-natal but not giving timing a lot of thought, etc.

We had a lifetime of experiences between 30 and 36 with a high income, flexible jobs, and no responsibilities at home. It took her 2-3 years to get pregnant and 4 more to get pregnant with #2 (at 40). A host of scary complications, miscarriages, premature births. It’s all good now and the kids are doing great - but at 33 we didn’t think the statistics would apply to us.

I don’t regret the time and experiences we had together. It was amazing and it wouldn’t have been possible with 1 or 2 children. Those times changed both of us for the better in significant ways. But I also didn’t realize how immature and shortsighted we were being.

Not a day goes by that I didn’t wish we were younger with kids and that we’d have more time on this earth with them.

That said, I am a better dad at this stage of life than I would have been back then. It would have been fine, I wasn’t any more or less mature than the average 33 year old, but I am a really good dad and good husband now and I learned a lot about life and parenting from the sidelines, introspection, or just observing. I learned new hobbies, we renovated 2 houses, traveled a ton. I used to also imagine an entire life with my wife and no kids. An idea that seems absurd now.

I’m sharing this because 33 isn’t the end of the road. If he never wants kids, now is as good of time as any to part ways. But if you guys are going to use the time wisely to grow as individuals and as a couple, perhaps consider it. But if he just wants to sit around and play club soccer and video games for the next 10 years, forget about it.

Both of you will always wonder about the road not taken, but you cannot travel both.

Have a discussion about your future. If there’s a shared vision but a disagreement about timing, talk about it more. If your paths clearly diverge, now or later, take your own and move on.

Respectfully, WTF is wrong with a generation of UMC people who treat early 30s like their adolescence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been fighting for years over having kids. We dated for 3 years before getting married and always said we have kids. Then we we got married he changed his mind. I’m now 33 and don’t want to wait any longer. I told I needed to know if we could have at least one kid or I have to divorce. He said he would think about everything over the weekend.

Often times when he is thinking about hard topics, he fails to ever get back to me. What is a kind way to give gentle reminder? Or if I don’t hear from him by the weekend should I just move on?

What’s his reasoning for not wanting kids? Is at if this even thought out or grounded in anything of substance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here.

I wasn’t ready for children when I was 33 either. I agreed with my wife that we would have kids one day. She wasn’t as determined at 33 either but soon after we decided to half ass try, which basically meant no more birth control and add pre-natal but not giving timing a lot of thought, etc.

We had a lifetime of experiences between 30 and 36 with a high income, flexible jobs, and no responsibilities at home. It took her 2-3 years to get pregnant and 4 more to get pregnant with #2 (at 40). A host of scary complications, miscarriages, premature births. It’s all good now and the kids are doing great - but at 33 we didn’t think the statistics would apply to us.

I don’t regret the time and experiences we had together. It was amazing and it wouldn’t have been possible with 1 or 2 children. Those times changed both of us for the better in significant ways. But I also didn’t realize how immature and shortsighted we were being.

Not a day goes by that I didn’t wish we were younger with kids and that we’d have more time on this earth with them.

That said, I am a better dad at this stage of life than I would have been back then. It would have been fine, I wasn’t any more or less mature than the average 33 year old, but I am a really good dad and good husband now and I learned a lot about life and parenting from the sidelines, introspection, or just observing. I learned new hobbies, we renovated 2 houses, traveled a ton. I used to also imagine an entire life with my wife and no kids. An idea that seems absurd now.

I’m sharing this because 33 isn’t the end of the road. If he never wants kids, now is as good of time as any to part ways. But if you guys are going to use the time wisely to grow as individuals and as a couple, perhaps consider it. But if he just wants to sit around and play club soccer and video games for the next 10 years, forget about it.

Both of you will always wonder about the road not taken, but you cannot travel both.

Have a discussion about your future. If there’s a shared vision but a disagreement about timing, talk about it more. If your paths clearly diverge, now or later, take your own and move on.

Respectfully, WTF is wrong with a generation of UMC people who treat early 30s like their adolescence?

PP here

If God, a creator, or biology had a reason for kids not to happen at 40, the parts would shut down earlier

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

I’ve seen this advice on here before and it’s absolutely bonkers.

People are allowed to change their mind about kids. Kids are a huge f’ing deal. People who act flippant about the decision to have kids are not the kind of people you want to have kids with. I don’t know any men who are particularly happy with their marriages and lives post kids (the nicer husbands accept it, but aren’t happy about it). It is rational for men to be wary about this decision.

On the flip side, op is entitled to use the info and make her own decisions.

But don’t stop using BC. You’re insane if you do that.

WTF?? My marriage and three kids are the best things that have ever happened to me, followed closely by being born to great parents. I don’t deserve what I have, but I’m definitely extremely happy about it.

My dh is much happier post kids. He was made to be a dad.

Um...hooray for him? That doensn't help OP. And if you're somehow saying she should do an "oops" baby and expect her DH will love having kids once a kid is actually in the world, well, you're incredibly naive. He might. Or he might hate being a dad. Your experience is nice, but it's not necessarily helpful to OP.

Ok but PP is responding to the idea that men are rarely happy to be parents. In my experience men are happier than women in parenthood.

Lol, no