DH and I at odds over children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There is absolutely no way I would ever stop birth control without DH’s consent.

Consent or notification? Those are two different things. The PP who suggested it didn’t advocate doing it secretly.

Splitting hairs here doesn’t matter. OP shouldn’t have a child with someone that doesn’t want one (and it sounds like she understands that).

[Anonymous]

He's just buying time. He has no intention of "thinking" about it. You don't want to force a child on him. Move on.

If you insist on bringing it up one more time say, "have you had a chance to think about it?" and bring it up but this reeks of desperation at this point. NEVER, EVER force a child on a man.

[Anonymous]

DH here. He sounds like a man child who needs to grow the eff up. I don’t have any patience for losers like him.

[Anonymous]

Get divorced and start dating as soon as you can stand to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

I’ve seen this advice on here before and it’s absolutely bonkers.

People are allowed to change their mind about kids. Kids are a huge f’ing deal. People who act flippant about the decision to have kids are not the kind of people you want to have kids with. I don’t know any men who are particularly happy with their marriages and lives post kids (the nicer husbands accept it, but aren’t happy about it). It is rational for men to be wary about this decision.

On the flip side, op is entitled to use the info and make her own decisions.

But don’t stop using BC. You’re insane if you do that.

WTF?? My marriage and three kids are the best things that have ever happened to me, followed closely by being born to great parents. I don’t deserve what I have, but I’m definitely extremely happy about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

I’ve seen this advice on here before and it’s absolutely bonkers.

People are allowed to change their mind about kids. Kids are a huge f’ing deal. People who act flippant about the decision to have kids are not the kind of people you want to have kids with. I don’t know any men who are particularly happy with their marriages and lives post kids (the nicer husbands accept it, but aren’t happy about it). It is rational for men to be wary about this decision.

On the flip side, op is entitled to use the info and make her own decisions.

But don’t stop using BC. You’re insane if you do that.

WTF?? My marriage and three kids are the best things that have ever happened to me, followed closely by being born to great parents. I don’t deserve what I have, but I’m definitely extremely happy about it.

+1 I think PP is projecting. And I actually know tons of men who wanted more kids than the wives. Just recently a dad was trying to recruit for the “4 kid club” at a birthday party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

I’ve seen this advice on here before and it’s absolutely bonkers.

People are allowed to change their mind about kids. Kids are a huge f’ing deal. People who act flippant about the decision to have kids are not the kind of people you want to have kids with. I don’t know any men who are particularly happy with their marriages and lives post kids (the nicer husbands accept it, but aren’t happy about it). It is rational for men to be wary about this decision.

On the flip side, op is entitled to use the info and make her own decisions.

But don’t stop using BC. You’re insane if you do that.

WTF?? My marriage and three kids are the best things that have ever happened to me, followed closely by being born to great parents. I don’t deserve what I have, but I’m definitely extremely happy about it.

My dh is much happier post kids. He was made to be a dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

FFS, NO! Don't even begin to risk having a child with him if he doesn't want one, OP. The advice above is insane. if you get pregnant, you are yoked to your husband for the rest of your life, whether you are divorced or married to him. Why would you risk being forever tied to someone you think you want to divorce and have OUT of your life so you can move on?

If children are a true dealbreaker for you, tell him so, stop having sex with him and get divorced ASAP. Be crystal clear with yourself, though, that the reality of finding the ideal second husband who wants kids with you may not match what you hope for, and you may end up as a single mom by choice or married to/partnered with a man who already has some kids of his own and who may say yes to a kid with you, but you'd always be juggling your own child and your stepchildren too.

With kids, the simple truth is: "No" always wins. Whether it's the DW or the DH saying it. No trumps yes every time because it is not healthy for a child to come into the world unless both parents are fully on board and there will be no resentments. It does NOT work to have a baby in hopes that it'll make the "no" parent "see the light once the baby's here" etc. Do not get pregnant, take him at his word, but OP, you need to be realistic about possibly being a single mom instead, with a donor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

I’ve seen this advice on here before and it’s absolutely bonkers.

People are allowed to change their mind about kids. Kids are a huge f’ing deal. People who act flippant about the decision to have kids are not the kind of people you want to have kids with. I don’t know any men who are particularly happy with their marriages and lives post kids (the nicer husbands accept it, but aren’t happy about it). It is rational for men to be wary about this decision.

On the flip side, op is entitled to use the info and make her own decisions.

But don’t stop using BC. You’re insane if you do that.

Men who change their mind about children *after* they’ve snagged a wife, are the same man who change their mind about being married. For all we know, DH might already have a girlfriend, so he knows child refusal is an easy way to get out of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

This advice is this forum in a nutshell.

OP's next post, "Why won't my husband spend time with me or my child?"

Manipulating your husband to have a kid is not a plan.

[Anonymous]

The DH has decades to change his mind. OP’s window of fertility will close in a short time. Yeah, everyone knows about their cousin’s grandmother’s uncle’s great-granddaughter who popped out her first kid at age 45 without any interventions, but let’s be real here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

I’ve seen this advice on here before and it’s absolutely bonkers.

People are allowed to change their mind about kids. Kids are a huge f’ing deal. People who act flippant about the decision to have kids are not the kind of people you want to have kids with. I don’t know any men who are particularly happy with their marriages and lives post kids (the nicer husbands accept it, but aren’t happy about it). It is rational for men to be wary about this decision.

On the flip side, op is entitled to use the info and make her own decisions.

But don’t stop using BC. You’re insane if you do that.

WTF?? My marriage and three kids are the best things that have ever happened to me, followed closely by being born to great parents. I don’t deserve what I have, but I’m definitely extremely happy about it.

I agree but I recognize kids have reduced the frequency of sex, make it harder for me to advance my career (though it can help if you have a SAHM and just give lip service to being a modern dad), and exhaust me in so many ways.

Best thing in life but not an easy thing. Likely OP DH values sex and career and freedom higher than happy dads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There is absolutely no way I would ever stop birth control without DH’s consent.

Consent or notification? Those are two different things. The PP who suggested it didn’t advocate doing it secretly.

Stop it. That is horrible, horrible advice. No sane person would ever follow this advice.

I do know women who’ve said they were done being in charge of birth control in the relationship. Turns out lots of men prefer a child to getting a vasectomy or buying a condom. Go figure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to have an epiphany over the weekend. That was his way of blowing you off. Your choices are go off birth control or get a divorce. In fact I would say "I am going off birth control as my personal choice. If you choose to have sex with me, be aware I may become pregnant. If that is a problem for you, I understand if you need anything file for divorce."

I’ve seen this advice on here before and it’s absolutely bonkers.

People are allowed to change their mind about kids. Kids are a huge f’ing deal. People who act flippant about the decision to have kids are not the kind of people you want to have kids with. I don’t know any men who are particularly happy with their marriages and lives post kids (the nicer husbands accept it, but aren’t happy about it). It is rational for men to be wary about this decision.

On the flip side, op is entitled to use the info and make her own decisions.

But don’t stop using BC. You’re insane if you do that.

WTF?? My marriage and three kids are the best things that have ever happened to me, followed closely by being born to great parents. I don’t deserve what I have, but I’m definitely extremely happy about it.

My dh is much happier post kids. He was made to be a dad.

Um...hooray for him? That doensn't help OP. And if you're somehow saying she should do an "oops" baby and expect her DH will love having kids once a kid is actually in the world, well, you're incredibly naive. He might. Or he might hate being a dad. Your experience is nice, but it's not necessarily helpful to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here. He sounds like a man child who needs to grow the eff up. I don’t have any patience for losers like him.

Because he doesn't want a child? That is a grown up choice he's made. The reason why your pissed is it conflicts with your thoughts on it. People can pick NOT to have child anytime they want.