Husband refusing to push his surgery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP needs to answer the question of whether he needs to be present.

He needs to be present to provide the sperm.

No, can be provided in advance.

Best chance of success is with fresh sperm. It’s insane to think she should go through stims and have him risk it not working after all that. It’s clear how many respondents have not done an IVF cycle. It’s an all-encompassing experience. His time to make his needs known was before she started cycling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chronic pain affects more than just the body part afflicted. Lots of chronic pain suffers struggle with depression, substance abuse, full-scale addiction, and many suicides are directly tied to living in constant pain.

I’m Team DH on this one - you want him to be well if you’re going to try to have kids with him. Timing is unfortunate, but I don’t fault him at all in taking the available OR.

This. This is a surgery that is medically necessary to solve a problem for him. You should be thankful that he found a doctor who can help him, and I can see what he would want to do it ASAP. Show some grace and be happy for him. I can understand that IVF is high stress, but IMO medical conditions, especially one that is causing chronic pain, take greater priority.

This. Some PPs here are acting as if the man scheduled plastic surgery.

He has to be available to provide sperm, are people missing that detail?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are

Uh, no. Thanks for letting us know you know nothing about IVF.

The idea you would expect your spouse to suffer needlessly through any extra chronic pain is gross and appalling.

The fact that he would let her start an IVF cycle and put its success at risk is gross and appalling. The time to bring this up was before they agreed to her stim schedule. She has already started her meds. This is absolutely awful behavior on his part.

OP, I would not have a kid with this man. This marriage is not going to hold. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

He does not want this child. OP, are you AMA?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chronic pain affects more than just the body part afflicted. Lots of chronic pain suffers struggle with depression, substance abuse, full-scale addiction, and many suicides are directly tied to living in constant pain.

I’m Team DH on this one - you want him to be well if you’re going to try to have kids with him. Timing is unfortunate, but I don’t fault him at all in taking the available OR.

This. This is a surgery that is medically necessary to solve a problem for him. You should be thankful that he found a doctor who can help him, and I can see what he would want to do it ASAP. Show some grace and be happy for him. I can understand that IVF is high stress, but IMO medical conditions, especially one that is causing chronic pain, take greater priority.

This. Some PPs here are acting as if the man scheduled plastic surgery.

It’s elective surgery.

Guess what is also elective - IVF.

Once she starts stims it’s all locked down. Husband is being a giant baby.

Then there’s no problem since stimming hasn’t happened. Nothing is locked except for the spouse’s surgery.

You people are as awful as her spouse. My mind is blown.

Same to you. The idea that someone with chronic pain should continue to suffer is mind blowing. Especially since there is no firm date of when the retrieval will be. You’re in hysterics but his surgery could end up being days apart from the retrieval. Which may not even happen this cycle.

Yes, that's the plan, and they paid quite a lot of money for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are

You don’t know anything about IVF. You don’t pick your retrieval day and you are not allowed to drive yourself home. They take your blood every day and do an ultrasound and then you find out the day and time of your egg retrieval surgery 2-3 days in advance. It cannot be moved because they have a limited window of a few hours to get the eggs. The whole cycle can cost $12-20k and it could all be thrown away because of her idiot husband.

Also none of this should be a surprise to him unless he is dumb or completely checked out. Our clinic made this info very clear to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are

You don’t know anything about IVF. You don’t pick your retrieval day and you are not allowed to drive yourself home. They take your blood every day and do an ultrasound and then you find out the day and time of your egg retrieval surgery 2-3 days in advance. It cannot be moved because they have a limited window of a few hours to get the eggs. The whole cycle can cost $12-20k and it could all be thrown away because of her idiot husband.

Also none of this should be a surprise to him unless he is dumb or completely checked out. Our clinic made this info very clear to us.

+1
People who are clueless about IVF and haven’t gone through a cycle themselves should not be commenting authoritatively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chronic pain affects more than just the body part afflicted. Lots of chronic pain suffers struggle with depression, substance abuse, full-scale addiction, and many suicides are directly tied to living in constant pain.

I’m Team DH on this one - you want him to be well if you’re going to try to have kids with him. Timing is unfortunate, but I don’t fault him at all in taking the available OR.

This. This is a surgery that is medically necessary to solve a problem for him. You should be thankful that he found a doctor who can help him, and I can see what he would want to do it ASAP. Show some grace and be happy for him. I can understand that IVF is high stress, but IMO medical conditions, especially one that is causing chronic pain, take greater priority.

This. Some PPs here are acting as if the man scheduled plastic surgery.

He has to be available to provide sperm, are people missing that detail?

No, he doesn’t. You know women have successful IVFs all the time without fresh sperm, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you think egg retrieval is going to disable you to the point of not being able to help him. You'll be just fine.

+1

I could barely walk for 3 days after my retrieval. I got 17 eggs and my hormones were on the cusp of OHSS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s wrong.

But this is a terrible sign for how he’ll be as a a partner and future father.

This guy is going to create an emergency whenever you’re going through labor or postpartum mastitis or a sleep regression. I’ve dated guys like this and it never changes. Whenever they sense that your attention is not on them they find a way to sabotage your life. (It would make no difference if he scheduled his surgery a week later — except in terms of your stress and attention.)

You won’t believe me because right now you want the baby more than the truth. But realistically you’re going to be daydreaming of divorce within a year. I would bet anything you pull the trigger within 5 years.

NP. WOW, does this post project like crazy. "This guy is going to create an emergency" whenever OP has any issues ever? PP, did someone screw you over like that? Because extrapolating that OP's DH is merely a drama queen who's going to "create" -- as in fabricate -- an emergency for himself "whenever" something happens is insane.

you have clearly never lived with chronic pain. It wears people down intensely, not just physically but mentally and emotionally too, and we can't know -- even OP cannot fully know -- how it has affected the DH for years now. Trying to scare the hell out of OP by painting her DH as some kind of divorce waiting to happen is cruel--and stupid. (My money is on this PP coming back to claim yes, I've been left in the lurch etc. Sorry if that's the case. But it is not a reason to project that onto OP's case at all.)

OP, don't listen to the "he's a jerk" talk. Especially not PP above who is flinging around divorce talk at you based on nothing at all.

ASK your DH if he was thinking in terms of wanting to get his pain issues fixed before you're pregnant and before the baby comes. Wouldn't you rather he had this surgery before all that? Do you get, as a far more sensible PP pointed out already, that dates for surgery can be extremely difficult to get, and moving them can entail months more of pain for your DH? And you can't nail down the date of your extraction?

Ask for outside help and ask now. Pay for it if you must. But please, OP, do not do as some here insist and get huffy and negative and tell him to put on his big boy pants. That's beyond condescending and insulting. To him and to you too, if you punish him for trying to resolve his pain.

Please. The fact that he’s been dealing with this chronic condition for years, but only decided to get the surgery the same week that she needs his support says everything we need to know about him.

He could have done this surgery a month ago (or a year ago!) He could have done it a week after her treatment. The timing is a deliberate choice to force a conflict and create drama.

[Anonymous]

Clearly you two should NOT have children together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s wrong.

But this is a terrible sign for how he’ll be as a a partner and future father.

This guy is going to create an emergency whenever you’re going through labor or postpartum mastitis or a sleep regression. I’ve dated guys like this and it never changes. Whenever they sense that your attention is not on them they find a way to sabotage your life. (It would make no difference if he scheduled his surgery a week later — except in terms of your stress and attention.)

You won’t believe me because right now you want the baby more than the truth. But realistically you’re going to be daydreaming of divorce within a year. I would bet anything you pull the trigger within 5 years.

+1 he waited 3 yrs and now suddenly it's so urgent? Ugh this is selfishness and wanting more attention on him when all the burden of meds and invasiveness of IVF is on you.

Obviously if he had something serious come up, that's a separate thing.

[Anonymous]

Merits to both “sides” for sure. I’d be annoyed but also think this is not as huge a deal as it may feel like to you right now.

He can do a sample day of as planned if his surgery is not the same day. Freeze a sample in advance as a back up plan. One or both of you can have a friend or family member escort you if you’re both doing procedures the same day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chronic pain affects more than just the body part afflicted. Lots of chronic pain suffers struggle with depression, substance abuse, full-scale addiction, and many suicides are directly tied to living in constant pain.

I’m Team DH on this one - you want him to be well if you’re going to try to have kids with him. Timing is unfortunate, but I don’t fault him at all in taking the available OR.

This. This is a surgery that is medically necessary to solve a problem for him. You should be thankful that he found a doctor who can help him, and I can see what he would want to do it ASAP. Show some grace and be happy for him. I can understand that IVF is high stress, but IMO medical conditions, especially one that is causing chronic pain, take greater priority.

This. Some PPs here are acting as if the man scheduled plastic surgery.

Some of us have been through both IVF and debilitating heartburn for both of my pregnancies and think her husband is a selfish jerk. He lived with this for 3 years and can’t push this out a few weeks? Why didn’t he seek answers before that?

[Anonymous]

I did two ivf cycles and have two lovely kids to show for it but egg retrieval is not that dramatic. Op could have a friend or family member drive her. Dh needs to get his hernia fixed before they have a baby frankly. That’s when he needs to be on deck. We provided the sperm in advance, that was the only option actually.