Husband refusing to push his surgery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting a preview of how he's going to act during your pregnancy, labor, and if he's asked to watch his child. His wants above your needs.

Surgery isn't a want. A baby is a want. Your thinking is entirely upside down.

If he's having chronic pain that needs to be addressed before bringing a child into the marriage. Can the IVF wait a month?

Not now that she’s started her meds. This was a conversation to have a couple of months ago, when they were planning the ivf cycle.

Maybe his pain has worsened since that time. Do you really think he's plotting and scheming against OP? I think some posters here are so obsessed with IVF they forget, or ignore, the needs of humans who already exist....

Or the simple explanation could be correct. Husband is selfish.

The fact that you leap immediately to "husband is selfish" as your "simple explanation" says volumes about you, not about this DH you do not know. I'm sorry if your spouse is selfish, but not everyone is, and to call someone selfish for wanting to end years of unending physical pain is frankly cruel.

Are you this dramatic IRL too, LOL? He could have chosen a week before or after.

Dramatic? Why is my reply dramatic but the many hysterical "He'll be a terrible parent!" posts are not dramatic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

Go live in pain for a few years and see how you "view" anything other than trying to find relief.

The complete lack of empathy for chronic pain on this thread is pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

Go live in pain for a few years and see how you "view" anything other than trying to find relief.

The complete lack of empathy for chronic pain on this thread is pathetic.

Quite a lot of people live with chronic pain. There is plenty of empathy.

While in this chronic pain he made a decision to have a baby. Now that is taking place at an inconvenient time for him. Unfortunately that’s how parenting tends to work. He doesn’t seem up for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

Go live in pain for a few years and see how you "view" anything other than trying to find relief.

The complete lack of empathy for chronic pain on this thread is pathetic.

Quite a lot of people live with chronic pain. There is plenty of empathy.

While in this chronic pain he made a decision to have a baby. Now that is taking place at an inconvenient time for him. Unfortunately that’s how parenting tends to work. He doesn’t seem up for it.

Tried to schedule a supposedly "elective" surgery lately? Miss a window and you could end up waiting not weeks but months. Many months. Feel free to enjoy living in pain those extra months. Meanwhile, IVF can be done over multiple cycles.

The blame heaped here on the half of the couple that's got a medical condition is just amazing. Why wouldn't OP want her DH, her supposed partner in life and eventual parenthood, to be at his best and pain-free? Before they deal with having a baby? She's giving priority to a child who does not yet exist over a person who's already here.

[Anonymous]

Hire a nurse. He should not endure even one additional day of pain.

This is not a problem. This is just an expense. It is solvable by spending money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

When did you meet OP'S DH and ask him how invested he is? We'll wait.

You have zero idea how invested he is. Or how he might feel about wanting pain managed before he's dealing with a pregnant wife and then a new baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire a nurse. He should not endure even one additional day of pain.

This is not a problem. This is just an expense. It is solvable by spending money.

+1

Grow up. Pay up. Stop making this situation an existential crisis when it doesn't have to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

Go live in pain for a few years and see how you "view" anything other than trying to find relief.

The complete lack of empathy for chronic pain on this thread is pathetic.

Quite a lot of people live with chronic pain. There is plenty of empathy.

While in this chronic pain he made a decision to have a baby. Now that is taking place at an inconvenient time for him. Unfortunately that’s how parenting tends to work. He doesn’t seem up for it.

Tried to schedule a supposedly "elective" surgery lately? Miss a window and you could end up waiting not weeks but months. Many months. Feel free to enjoy living in pain those extra months. Meanwhile, IVF can be done over multiple cycles.

The blame heaped here on the half of the couple that's got a medical condition is just amazing. Why wouldn't OP want her DH, her supposed partner in life and eventual parenthood, to be at his best and pain-free? Before they deal with having a baby? She's giving priority to a child who does not yet exist over a person who's already here.

The blame heaped on the half of the couple who has to go through 100% of the medical intervention so they *both* get a child is the real disaster. Elective surgery is rescheduled *constantly* and they could easily find themselves missing the retrieval and he still waits months.

Personally I think if he’s also the reason they’re doing IVF, she should cut her losses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

When did you meet OP'S DH and ask him how invested he is? We'll wait.

You have zero idea how invested he is. Or how he might feel about wanting pain managed before he's dealing with a pregnant wife and then a new baby.

He didn’t feel strongly about this before starting IVF so it’s reasonable to extrapolate. He has had 3+ years to seek this miracle second opinion.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are arguments on both sides but how it is playing out does not bode well for you as a couple or family over the long term.

[Anonymous]

OP, where is the getting info from both doctors and working this out/communicating with DH?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you and your DH are likely both frazzled and unable to think clearly. I'm sure you've heard how the stress of infertility can lead to divorce. SO can chronic pain and illness. You and your husband are both going through some very difficult experiences right now, which is certainly coloring how you are both handling things.

My practical advice: Call the patient care manager or whomever you work with at the RE and explain the situation. Be kind. Ask about the likelihood of retrieval occurring on the date of the surgery. The opinion of a doctor/medical professionals, not us DCUM Dr. Advice Givers. Then contact that same person at DH's surgeon's office. Explain your situation. Be kind, and not pushy. Ask if there is any possibility of shifting his procedure to any earlier opening. They could say yes. They could bump some other patient to your husband's spot. They could put you on a cancellation waiting list. You have no idea. Ask your mother/MIL/BFFs if they are available to help out to make sure everyone has a responsible ride and help on the day of a procedure.

My mental health/long term advice:Talk with a therapist (and stop talking to your friends/family about the situation) to help you get some perspective about how you want to move forward. If you want to stay married, be happy, and be a successful parent with your husband, you need to be able to do better when times get tough. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

Go live in pain for a few years and see how you "view" anything other than trying to find relief.

The complete lack of empathy for chronic pain on this thread is pathetic.

Quite a lot of people live with chronic pain. There is plenty of empathy.

While in this chronic pain he made a decision to have a baby. Now that is taking place at an inconvenient time for him. Unfortunately that’s how parenting tends to work. He doesn’t seem up for it.

Tried to schedule a supposedly "elective" surgery lately? Miss a window and you could end up waiting not weeks but months. Many months. Feel free to enjoy living in pain those extra months. Meanwhile, IVF can be done over multiple cycles.

The blame heaped here on the half of the couple that's got a medical condition is just amazing. Why wouldn't OP want her DH, her supposed partner in life and eventual parenthood, to be at his best and pain-free? Before they deal with having a baby? She's giving priority to a child who does not yet exist over a person who's already here.

The blame heaped on the half of the couple who has to go through 100% of the medical intervention so they *both* get a c

hild is the real disaster. Elective surgery is rescheduled *constantly* and they could easily find themselves missing the retrieval and he still waits months.

Personally I think if he’s also the reason they’re doing IVF, she should cut her losses.

Wow. The bold shows you think of a DH in this situation as nothing but a sperm donor and you suppose he's not good enough at that, so she should maybe leave him and find a more fertile donor. Marriage? What marriage? Babies before all else, marriage and relationships be damned, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

Go live in pain for a few years and see how you "view" anything other than trying to find relief.

The complete lack of empathy for chronic pain on this thread is pathetic.

Quite a lot of people live with chronic pain. There is plenty of empathy.

While in this chronic pain he made a decision to have a baby. Now that is taking place at an inconvenient time for him. Unfortunately that’s how parenting tends to work. He doesn’t seem up for it.

Tried to schedule a supposedly "elective" surgery lately? Miss a window and you could end up waiting not weeks but months. Many months. Feel free to enjoy living in pain those extra months. Meanwhile, IVF can be done over multiple cycles.

The blame heaped here on the half of the couple that's got a medical condition is just amazing. Why wouldn't OP want her DH, her supposed partner in life and eventual parenthood, to be at his best and pain-free? Before they deal with having a baby? She's giving priority to a child who does not yet exist over a person who's already here.

The blame heaped on the half of the couple who has to go through 100% of the medical intervention so they *both* get a child is the real disaster. Elective surgery is rescheduled *constantly* and they could easily find themselves missing the retrieval and he still waits months.

Personally I think if he’s also the reason they’re doing IVF, she should cut her losses.

Let me guess. You're on husband #3? #4? People like you are why divorce stats are so high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are arguments on both sides but how it is playing out does not bode well for you as a couple or family over the long term.

What does not bode well is OP putting a baby ahead of the marriage. If she wants a baby more than she wants her marriage, she should divorce and go to a donor clinic. If she wants a baby as an expression of her marriage, mutual love and mutual goals, she should be more concerned about helping her DH resolve years of pain before they move on as a team to have a baby.