Husband refusing to push his surgery

[Anonymous]

OP, perhaps your husband is not telling you everything to spare you.

Did you ever consider that maybe, just maybe, his doctor wants to do the "surgery" because they have concerns something else may be wrong with your DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

When did you meet OP'S DH and ask him how invested he is? We'll wait.

You have zero idea how invested he is. Or how he might feel about wanting pain managed before he's dealing with a pregnant wife and then a new baby.

He didn’t feel strongly about this before starting IVF so it’s reasonable to extrapolate. He has had 3+ years to seek this miracle second opinion.

Again, when did he tell you this? How do you claim to know what he "feels" or thinks? How arrogant of you. Your extrapolations are based on nothing.

There is a good post earlier in the thread explaining, for those of you who truly do not comprehend it, why it can take years to find a solution to chronic pain. You, PP have NO way to know that "he didn't feel strongly" about managing his pain; he may have been (as that smarter PP points out) working with doctors for years and trying various other options. Now a doctor has found a different one which promises more than others have. Yet you claim he hasn't really made any effort before now--? For all you know it HAS taken him "3+ years" to find this option. Your ignorance and callousness about pain are appalling.

[Anonymous]

I dont understand why you cant have coinciding procedures. Egg retrieval is not very intense, like you're back at it the next day. And considering you've only just started BC, you dont have a set date for retrieval at all. Are you trying to frame this procedure as something that you needed your husband to fawn all over you and pamper you and treat you like a princess? It's ok if so, you are the one doing 99% of the work of making this baby, so I dont begrudge that. But just on a procedure vs procedure, it's really not anything that he can't do a single other thing while you're doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

Go live in pain for a few years and see how you "view" anything other than trying to find relief.

The complete lack of empathy for chronic pain on this thread is pathetic.

Quite a lot of people live with chronic pain. There is plenty of empathy.

While in this chronic pain he made a decision to have a baby. Now that is taking place at an inconvenient time for him. Unfortunately that’s how parenting tends to work. He doesn’t seem up for it.

Tried to schedule a supposedly "elective" surgery lately? Miss a window and you could end up waiting not weeks but months. Many months. Feel free to enjoy living in pain those extra months. Meanwhile, IVF can be done over multiple cycles.

The blame heaped here on the half of the couple that's got a medical condition is just amazing. Why wouldn't OP want her DH, her supposed partner in life and eventual parenthood, to be at his best and pain-free? Before they deal with having a baby? She's giving priority to a child who does not yet exist over a person who's already here.

The blame heaped on the half of the couple who has to go through 100% of the medical intervention so they *both* get a child is the real disaster. Elective surgery is rescheduled *constantly* and they could easily find themselves missing the retrieval and he still waits months.

Personally I think if he’s also the reason they’re doing IVF, she should cut her losses.

Actually, it's OP's desire to have a bio-baby that is driving this. If the goal was only to have a child, she doesn't have to go through IVF. It is a 'want' not a 'need' unlike needing a surgery to live a pain free life.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have no idea what diagnoses the two of you may have with regards to infertility, but just in case your husband’s sperm count or quality is the primary reason for undergoing IVF, you may want to consider scrapping this cycle, letting him have the surgery and recover, then giving him 3 months to produce new sperm after he’s no longer experiencing chronic pain, no longer has a hiatal hernia, and no longer on an intense medical regimen to treat the severe stomach acid issue. These things could be impacting his fertility.

I totally understand if you’re AMA and don’t feel like you can spare an extra 5 months or so to start IVF, but if you’re young, you might increase your chance of conceiving by waiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

Go live in pain for a few years and see how you "view" anything other than trying to find relief.

The complete lack of empathy for chronic pain on this thread is pathetic.

Quite a lot of people live with chronic pain. There is plenty of empathy.

While in this chronic pain he made a decision to have a baby. Now that is taking place at an inconvenient time for him. Unfortunately that’s how parenting tends to work. He doesn’t seem up for it.

Tried to schedule a supposedly "elective" surgery lately? Miss a window and you could end up waiting not weeks but months. Many months. Feel free to enjoy living in pain those extra months. Meanwhile, IVF can be done over multiple cycles.

The blame heaped here on the half of the couple that's got a medical condition is just amazing. Why wouldn't OP want her DH, her supposed partner in life and eventual parenthood, to be at his best and pain-free? Before they deal with having a baby? She's giving priority to a child who does not yet exist over a person who's already here.

The blame heaped on the half of the couple who has to go through 100% of the medical intervention so they *both* get a child is the real disaster. Elective surgery is rescheduled *constantly* and they could easily find themselves missing the retrieval and he still waits months.

Personally I think if he’s also the reason they’re doing IVF, she should cut her losses.

Actually, it's OP's desire to have a bio-baby that is driving this. If the goal was only to have a child, she doesn't have to go through IVF. It is a 'want' not a 'need' unlike needing a surgery to live a pain free life.

How do you know it’s only OP’s desire to have a “bio-baby”? Your misogyny is showing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

Go live in pain for a few years and see how you "view" anything other than trying to find relief.

The complete lack of empathy for chronic pain on this thread is pathetic.

Quite a lot of people live with chronic pain. There is plenty of empathy.

While in this chronic pain he made a decision to have a baby. Now that is taking place at an inconvenient time for him. Unfortunately that’s how parenting tends to work. He doesn’t seem up for it.

Tried to schedule a supposedly "elective" surgery lately? Miss a window and you could end up waiting not weeks but months. Many months. Feel free to enjoy living in pain those extra months. Meanwhile, IVF can be done over multiple cycles.

The blame heaped here on the half of the couple that's got a medical condition is just amazing. Why wouldn't OP want her DH, her supposed partner in life and eventual parenthood, to be at his best and pain-free? Before they deal with having a baby? She's giving priority to a child who does not yet exist over a person who's already here.

The blame heaped on the half of the couple who has to go through 100% of the medical intervention so they *both* get a child is the real disaster. Elective surgery is rescheduled *constantly* and they could easily find themselves missing the retrieval and he still waits months.

Personally I think if he’s also the reason they’re doing IVF, she should cut her losses.

Actually, it's OP's desire to have a bio-baby that is driving this. If the goal was only to have a child, she doesn't have to go through IVF. It is a 'want' not a 'need' unlike needing a surgery to live a pain free life.

Nope. You can’t say it’s OP’s “want” if her DH is participating. You don’t accidentally have an IVF baby. There are no accidents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

Go live in pain for a few years and see how you "view" anything other than trying to find relief.

The complete lack of empathy for chronic pain on this thread is pathetic.

Quite a lot of people live with chronic pain. There is plenty of empathy.

While in this chronic pain he made a decision to have a baby. Now that is taking place at an inconvenient time for him. Unfortunately that’s how parenting tends to work. He doesn’t seem up for it.

Tried to schedule a supposedly "elective" surgery lately? Miss a window and you could end up waiting not weeks but months. Many months. Feel free to enjoy living in pain those extra months. Meanwhile, IVF can be done over multiple cycles.

The blame heaped here on the half of the couple that's got a medical condition is just amazing. Why wouldn't OP want her DH, her supposed partner in life and eventual parenthood, to be at his best and pain-free? Before they deal with having a baby? She's giving priority to a child who does not yet exist over a person who's already here.

The blame heaped on the half of the couple who has to go through 100% of the medical intervention so they *both* get a child is the real disaster. Elective surgery is rescheduled *constantly* and they could easily find themselves missing the retrieval and he still waits months.

Personally I think if he’s also the reason they’re doing IVF, she should cut her losses.

Let me guess. You're on husband #3? #4? People like you are why divorce stats are so high.

Husband #1 of more than a decade, thanks for asking. The key is to choose a husband who isn’t a fragile manchild who waits three years to take action and then wants to be the center of the universe.

This guy is not playing an equal role in a baby they both will have. That’s fine— he can’t—but he doesn’t get to also diminish their chances of success because he didn’t seek treatment/magical second opinion/etc. until right now.

He needs to schedule the surgery after the retrieval, and he needs to tell the doctors staff that he wants to be contacted for any cancellations. Yes that might mean he has to be inconvenienced by the uncertainty but perhaps that will build his empathy for what his wife is going through rig he now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

Go live in pain for a few years and see how you "view" anything other than trying to find relief.

The complete lack of empathy for chronic pain on this thread is pathetic.

Quite a lot of people live with chronic pain. There is plenty of empathy.

While in this chronic pain he made a decision to have a baby. Now that is taking place at an inconvenient time for him. Unfortunately that’s how parenting tends to work. He doesn’t seem up for it.

Tried to schedule a supposedly "elective" surgery lately? Miss a window and you could end up waiting not weeks but months. Many months. Feel free to enjoy living in pain those extra months. Meanwhile, IVF can be done over multiple cycles.

The blame heaped here on the half of the couple that's got a medical condition is just amazing. Why wouldn't OP want her DH, her supposed partner in life and eventual parenthood, to be at his best and pain-free? Before they deal with having a baby? She's giving priority to a child who does not yet exist over a person who's already here.

The blame heaped on the half of the couple who has to go through 100% of the medical intervention so they *both* get a c

hild is the real disaster. Elective surgery is rescheduled *constantly* and they could easily find themselves missing the retrieval and he still waits months.

Personally I think if he’s also the reason they’re doing IVF, she should cut her losses.

Wow. The bold shows you think of a DH in this situation as nothing but a sperm donor and you suppose he's not good enough at that, so she should maybe leave him and find a more fertile donor. Marriage? What marriage? Babies before all else, marriage and relationships be damned, right?

This DH? Absolutely. He’s not acting like a partner and he’s certainly not acting like a parent. So all that’s left is sperm donor and no, he doesn’t seem very good at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

Go live in pain for a few years and see how you "view" anything other than trying to find relief.

The complete lack of empathy for chronic pain on this thread is pathetic.

Quite a lot of people live with chronic pain. There is plenty of empathy.

While in this chronic pain he made a decision to have a baby. Now that is taking place at an inconvenient time for him. Unfortunately that’s how parenting tends to work. He doesn’t seem up for it.

Tried to schedule a supposedly "elective" surgery lately? Miss a window and you could end up waiting not weeks but months. Many months. Feel free to enjoy living in pain those extra months. Meanwhile, IVF can be done over multiple cycles.

The blame heaped here on the half of the couple that's got a medical condition is just amazing. Why wouldn't OP want her DH, her supposed partner in life and eventual parenthood, to be at his best and pain-free? Before they deal with having a baby? She's giving priority to a child who does not yet exist over a person who's already here.

The blame heaped on the half of the couple who has to go through 100% of the medical intervention so they *both* get a child is the real disaster. Elective surgery is rescheduled *constantly* and they could easily find themselves missing the retrieval and he still waits months.

Personally I think if he’s also the reason they’re doing IVF, she should cut her losses.

Actually, it's OP's desire to have a bio-baby that is driving this. If the goal was only to have a child, she doesn't have to go through IVF. It is a 'want' not a 'need' unlike needing a surgery to live a pain free life.

How do you know it’s only OP’s desire to have a “bio-baby”? Your misogyny is showing.

Prioritizing her quest for a bio-baby over her husband's need to be pain free makes it clear who is driving IVF. Calling out women for bad behavior isn't misogynistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

Go live in pain for a few years and see how you "view" anything other than trying to find relief.

The complete lack of empathy for chronic pain on this thread is pathetic.

Quite a lot of people live with chronic pain. There is plenty of empathy.

While in this chronic pain he made a decision to have a baby. Now that is taking place at an inconvenient time for him. Unfortunately that’s how parenting tends to work. He doesn’t seem up for it.

Tried to schedule a supposedly "elective" surgery lately? Miss a window and you could end up waiting not weeks but months. Many months. Feel free to enjoy living in pain those extra months. Meanwhile, IVF can be done over multiple cycles.

The blame heaped here on the half of the couple that's got a medical condition is just amazing. Why wouldn't OP want her DH, her supposed partner in life and eventual parenthood, to be at his best and pain-free? Before they deal with having a baby? She's giving priority to a child who does not yet exist over a person who's already here.

The blame heaped on the half of the couple who has to go through 100% of the medical intervention so they *both* get a child is the real disaster. Elective surgery is rescheduled *constantly* and they could easily find themselves missing the retrieval and he still waits months.

Personally I think if he’s also the reason they’re doing IVF, she should cut her losses.

Actually, it's OP's desire to have a bio-baby that is driving this. If the goal was only to have a child, she doesn't have to go through IVF. It is a 'want' not a 'need' unlike needing a surgery to live a pain free life.

Nope. You can’t say it’s OP’s “want” if her DH is participating. You don’t accidentally have an IVF baby. There are no accidents.

You've never done something you were actualy indifferent about but did it because someone important to you wanted it? Her refusal to accommodate his needed surgery is not a good look for her or her marriage. She's showing everyone what she considers more important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

Go live in pain for a few years and see how you "view" anything other than trying to find relief.

The complete lack of empathy for chronic pain on this thread is pathetic.

Quite a lot of people live with chronic pain. There is plenty of empathy.

While in this chronic pain he made a decision to have a baby. Now that is taking place at an inconvenient time for him. Unfortunately that’s how parenting tends to work. He doesn’t seem up for it.

Tried to schedule a supposedly "elective" surgery lately? Miss a window and you could end up waiting not weeks but months. Many months. Feel free to enjoy living in pain those extra months. Meanwhile, IVF can be done over multiple cycles.

The blame heaped here on the half of the couple that's got a medical condition is just amazing. Why wouldn't OP want her DH, her supposed partner in life and eventual parenthood, to be at his best and pain-free? Before they deal with having a baby? She's giving priority to a child who does not yet exist over a person who's already here.

The blame heaped on the half of the couple who has to go through 100% of the medical intervention so they *both* get a child is the real disaster. Elective surgery is rescheduled *constantly* and they could easily find themselves missing the retrieval and he still waits months.

Personally I think if he’s also the reason they’re doing IVF, she should cut her losses.

Actually, it's OP's desire to have a bio-baby that is driving this. If the goal was only to have a child, she doesn't have to go through IVF. It is a 'want' not a 'need' unlike needing a surgery to live a pain free life.

Nope. You can’t say it’s OP’s “want” if her DH is participating. You don’t accidentally have an IVF baby. There are no accidents.

You've never done something you were actualy indifferent about but did it because someone important to you wanted it? Her refusal to accommodate his needed surgery is not a good look for her or her marriage. She's showing everyone what she considers more important.

Not something as critically important as making a human being. If DH is “actually indifferent” about this baby she needs to get out NOW, and it’s nothing to do with his surgery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

Go live in pain for a few years and see how you "view" anything other than trying to find relief.

The complete lack of empathy for chronic pain on this thread is pathetic.

Quite a lot of people live with chronic pain. There is plenty of empathy.

While in this chronic pain he made a decision to have a baby. Now that is taking place at an inconvenient time for him. Unfortunately that’s how parenting tends to work. He doesn’t seem up for it.

Tried to schedule a supposedly "elective" surgery lately? Miss a window and you could end up waiting not weeks but months. Many months. Feel free to enjoy living in pain those extra months. Meanwhile, IVF can be done over multiple cycles.

The blame heaped here on the half of the couple that's got a medical condition is just amazing. Why wouldn't OP want her DH, her supposed partner in life and eventual parenthood, to be at his best and pain-free? Before they deal with having a baby? She's giving priority to a child who does not yet exist over a person who's already here.

The blame heaped on the half of the couple who has to go through 100% of the medical intervention so they *both* get a child is the real disaster. Elective surgery is rescheduled *constantly* and they could easily find themselves missing the retrieval and he still waits months.

Personally I think if he’s also the reason they’re doing IVF, she should cut her losses.

Actually, it's OP's desire to have a bio-baby that is driving this. If the goal was only to have a child, she doesn't have to go through IVF. It is a 'want' not a 'need' unlike needing a surgery to live a pain free life.

How do you know it’s only OP’s desire to have a “bio-baby”? Your misogyny is showing.

Prioritizing her quest for a bio-baby over her husband's need to be pain free makes it clear who is driving IVF. Calling out women for bad behavior isn't misogynistic.

+1

[Anonymous]

I wonder who earns more in this marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

Go live in pain for a few years and see how you "view" anything other than trying to find relief.

The complete lack of empathy for chronic pain on this thread is pathetic.

Quite a lot of people live with chronic pain. There is plenty of empathy.

While in this chronic pain he made a decision to have a baby. Now that is taking place at an inconvenient time for him. Unfortunately that’s how parenting tends to work. He doesn’t seem up for it.

Tried to schedule a supposedly "elective" surgery lately? Miss a window and you could end up waiting not weeks but months. Many months. Feel free to enjoy living in pain those extra months. Meanwhile, IVF can be done over multiple cycles.

The blame heaped here on the half of the couple that's got a medical condition is just amazing. Why wouldn't OP want her DH, her supposed partner in life and eventual parenthood, to be at his best and pain-free? Before they deal with having a baby? She's giving priority to a child who does not yet exist over a person who's already here.

The blame heaped on the half of the couple who has to go through 100% of the medical intervention so they *both* get a child is the real disaster. Elective surgery is rescheduled *constantly* and they could easily find themselves missing the retrieval and he still waits months.

Personally I think if he’s also the reason they’re doing IVF, she should cut her losses.

Actually, it's OP's desire to have a bio-baby that is driving this. If the goal was only to have a child, she doesn't have to go through IVF. It is a 'want' not a 'need' unlike needing a surgery to live a pain free life.

How do you know it’s only OP’s desire to have a “bio-baby”? Your misogyny is showing.

Prioritizing her quest for a bio-baby over her husband's need to be pain free makes it clear who is driving IVF. Calling out women for bad behavior isn't misogynistic.

You’re being needlessly dramatic. And a misogynist.