Why is there such disdain for stay at home parents?

[Anonymous]

I've been a SAHM and a working mom, and I honestly think the biggest factor to how these arrangements impact kids is what dad does.

The vast majority of mothers regularly perform childcare, housework, and paid work of some kind (even if it's a side gig or a part time job) and always have. Even SAHMs often take on paid work of some kind -- I remember my SAHM mom sometimes taking in laundry or ironing in the neighborhood for extra money, or doing seasonal retail work to help make money for Christmas presents. She also did lots of volunteer work, babysitting for neighbors kids when they were in a bind, etc. Even though my mom didn't have a career, I never grew up thinking that women didn't work or didn't need to. It was quite obvious that my mom worked in many capacities, including paid work.

Like a lot of men of his generation, my dad didn't do any childcare and extremely minimal housework. I don't remember my dad ever taking care of us when we were sick, making dinner (not once!), running the vacuum, etc. Ever. That taught me more about how he thought about gender dynamics and what work he thinks is valuable than anything my mom ever did.

My husband cooks and cleans and does childcare. I've been a SAHM for a time, been a full-time WFH mom, been a PT WOHM, etc. My kid knows I work, that I have skills and make money. But it's much more important, IMO, that she also knows that her dad performs the basic and required tasks of keeping a house and raising kids. That he's not magically exempt from these basic obligations because he's a man, and that I'm not the one who has to hold the entire ship together on my own.

Men's choices are more important than women's choices on this matter, because men have been given a choice whereas the vast majority of women have not -- we have to work at home, work with our kids, AND work for money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When husbands outsource childcare to their wives while they work, nobody bats an eye.

When working wives/mothers outsource childcare to a nanny or daycare, people judge.

Your post makes zero sense. It’s not “outsourcing” when a mother does the childcare. It’s “outsourcing” when neither parent does.

Well, most women nowadays aren’t going to give up a career just to have kids.

I am a stay at home mom now but I was a working mom for 6 years. I am ivy educated and hold two masters. I had a career and mommy tracked myself because I wanted to spend more time with my children. Having a third tipped us over. DH earns a seven figure income so I am able to spend time with our children. Dh and I decided together that it would be best for our children if I stay home and it was the right decision for our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When husbands outsource childcare to their wives while they work, nobody bats an eye.

When working wives/mothers outsource childcare to a nanny or daycare, people judge.

Your post makes zero sense. It’s not “outsourcing” when a mother does the childcare. It’s “outsourcing” when neither parent does.

Well, most women nowadays aren’t going to give up a career just to have kids.

I am a stay at home mom now but I was a working mom for 6 years. I am ivy educated and hold two masters. I had a career and mommy tracked myself because I wanted to spend more time with my children. Having a third tipped us over. DH earns a seven figure income so I am able to spend time with our children. Dh and I decided together that it would be best for our children if I stay home and it was the right decision for our family.

Obviously, that is quite rare & not applicable to most people’s situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When husbands outsource childcare to their wives while they work, nobody bats an eye.

When working wives/mothers outsource childcare to a nanny or daycare, people judge.

Your post makes zero sense. It’s not “outsourcing” when a mother does the childcare. It’s “outsourcing” when neither parent does.

Well, most women nowadays aren’t going to give up a career just to have kids.

Lol at “just.” Sure shows your priorities.

It’s career + kids or not have kids at all. SAHM was never something I considered.

Sad

It’s not sad that women want to (and can) have independent lives & careers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WOHM here. I sort of wish I was jealous. But honestly I just don't understand people who aren't motivated to pursue career goals.

Now THAT is truly bizarre. The majority of working people - both men and women - aren’t “pursuing career goals.” They’re working because they HAVE to, not because they want to. And if your primary motivation in life is your “career” then I feel sorry for you.

PP didn't say "primary," you are just projecting.

I think a lot of DCUM readership are people who have and can make choices. We are both fed lawyers, we like the work life balance and we both enjoy our careers. If I really wanted to SAH, DH could move to a higher paying job (former biglaw). There are a lot of couples like that. It's not every person who has that privilege but this is our social circle - many are motivated in their careers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When husbands outsource childcare to their wives while they work, nobody bats an eye.

When working wives/mothers outsource childcare to a nanny or daycare, people judge.

Your post makes zero sense. It’s not “outsourcing” when a mother does the childcare. It’s “outsourcing” when neither parent does.

Well, most women nowadays aren’t going to give up a career just to have kids.

I am a stay at home mom now but I was a working mom for 6 years. I am ivy educated and hold two masters. I had a career and mommy tracked myself because I wanted to spend more time with my children. Having a third tipped us over. DH earns a seven figure income so I am able to spend time with our children. Dh and I decided together that it would be best for our children if I stay home and it was the right decision for our family.

Obviously, that is quite rare & not applicable to most people’s situations.

Pp said women are not giving up their careers to have kids. While I didn’t give up my career to have kids right away, I eventually gave it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WOHM here. I sort of wish I was jealous. But honestly I just don't understand people who aren't motivated to pursue career goals.

Now THAT is truly bizarre. The majority of working people - both men and women - aren’t “pursuing career goals.” They’re working because they HAVE to, not because they want to. And if your primary motivation in life is your “career” then I feel sorry for you.

PP didn't say "primary," you are just projecting.

I think a lot of DCUM readership are people who have and can make choices. We are both fed lawyers, we like the work life balance and we both enjoy our careers. If I really wanted to SAH, DH could move to a higher paying job (former biglaw). There are a lot of couples like that. It's not every person who has that privilege but this is our social circle - many are motivated in their careers.

Motivated to be a government lawyer? No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WOHM here. I sort of wish I was jealous. But honestly I just don't understand people who aren't motivated to pursue career goals.

Now THAT is truly bizarre. The majority of working people - both men and women - aren’t “pursuing career goals.” They’re working because they HAVE to, not because they want to. And if your primary motivation in life is your “career” then I feel sorry for you.

PP didn't say "primary," you are just projecting.

I think a lot of DCUM readership are people who have and can make choices. We are both fed lawyers, we like the work life balance and we both enjoy our careers. If I really wanted to SAH, DH could move to a higher paying job (former biglaw). There are a lot of couples like that. It's not every person who has that privilege but this is our social circle - many are motivated in their careers.

Motivated to be a government lawyer? No thanks.

That's your takeaway? Okay then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Working mom here and people have disdain for that, for our family using daycare, and on and on. Moms in America can’t win - someone is always criticizing!

I was about to say this, nobody wins the suffering olympics, all moms are criticized for their choices/necessities and its insane. The post is not going to help, people are going to start lobbing comments back and forth

[Anonymous]

I am a working mom, live in the DMV, have a graduate degree. I had a successful 15 year career before having kids.

Most careers are not important. Kids are always important. I do envy some SAHMs because if you have the right resources and support, I think focusing 100% on family and kids could be incredibly fulfilling.

I don't understand the attitude that what SAHPs do is easy or unimportant. My work has the aura of importance because it involves large sums of money and people with impressive degrees and pedigrees. But I know that in the grand scheme of things, raising children is much more important.

[Anonymous]

What I would really like is a job that allows me to earn decent money working part time. What I have is a good teaching job that affords me a couple of months to focus just on my own kids.

I don’t like it when people denigrate stay at home moms (or dads). Care and household work is work….period.

I’m not going to attack another woman because she gets to do one job while I have two. But I will keep critiquing the system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom, live in the DMV, have a graduate degree. I had a successful 15 year career before having kids.

Most careers are not important. Kids are always important. I do envy some SAHMs because if you have the right resources and support, I think focusing 100% on family and kids could be incredibly fulfilling.

I don't understand the attitude that what SAHPs do is easy or unimportant. My work has the aura of importance because it involves large sums of money and people with impressive degrees and pedigrees. But I know that in the grand scheme of things, raising children is much more important.

+100. All you people saying how important your career is, please don’t kid yourself into thinking that what you are doing is irreplaceable. Raising kids is single handedly the most important contribution you will make in your life. I stayed home for 11 years and recently started working full time from home because I wanted to have a more meaningful life. Now I realize the most meaningful thing I will ever do is to raise my kids into healthy, well adjusted individuals who can contribute positively to society.

[Anonymous]

The thing that makes me the saddest is that now there are so many people who don't plan on the possibility that once the baby is born they might feel a very strong urge to take care of it themselves rather than pay someone else to do it while they work. Therefore they have gotten themselves into a financial situation where that is not feasible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing that makes me the saddest is that now there are so many people who don't plan on the possibility that once the baby is born they might feel a very strong urge to take care of it themselves rather than pay someone else to do it while they work. Therefore they have gotten themselves into a financial situation where that is not feasible.

Roxane Gay once said something that really struck me: "If a woman chooses to stay home to raise her children, I embrace that choice. The problem is not that she makes herself economically vulnerable in that choice; the problem is that our society is set up to make women economically vulnerable when they choose. Let's deal with that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When husbands outsource childcare to their wives while they work, nobody bats an eye.

When working wives/mothers outsource childcare to a nanny or daycare, people judge.

Your post makes zero sense. It’s not “outsourcing” when a mother does the childcare. It’s “outsourcing” when neither parent does.

Well, most women nowadays aren’t going to give up a career just to have kids.

I am a stay at home mom now but I was a working mom for 6 years. I am ivy educated and hold two masters. I had a career and mommy tracked myself because I wanted to spend more time with my children. Having a third tipped us over. DH earns a seven figure income so I am able to spend time with our children. Dh and I decided together that it would be best for our children if I stay home and it was the right decision for our family.

Obviously, that is quite rare & not applicable to most people’s situations.

Seriously. These SAHMs whose husbands make seven figures need to realize that no one cares about their situation.