Why is there such disdain for stay at home parents?

[Anonymous]

I’m a working mother, begrudgingly. Across this board, especially in the relationships forum, there is such disdain for women who stay home with their kids, whether it be by choice or necessity. I am all for this being a parent/woman’s choice- I have plenty of friends who enjoy their career more than they’d enjoy or value being home, and that’s great. But I also respect parents who opt out because they value being fully available to their kids, and I wish I was able to be one of them.

I don’t hate my career, but I don’t love it, and I work from home. It is certainly not something I enjoy doing more than I value raising my kids. We are fortunate to have a nanny our kids love, yet it kills me inside every day to hear my kids downstairs being raised by someone else. I wish financially it didn’t hurt for me to stay home and be the one with them every day. I’m sure many parents feel a similar pull to be home with young kids while they genuinely want you to be there. I just don’t get the DCUM sneer about stay at home moms. Even if they’re highly educated, it’s not a “waste” if they worked for ten years before deciding to stay home for a period of time.

Why does dcum devalue stay at home parents?

[Anonymous]

Jealousy.

[Anonymous]

I never felt like other devalued SAHM. Is it a particular post you are referencing?

[Anonymous]

They are

J E L L Y
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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jealousy.

I think there’s also some shame that you couldn’t be happy doing something that selfless.

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen it for SAHD but that’s because of societal standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never felt like other devalued SAHM. Is it a particular post you are referencing?

In particular there is one post in the relationship forum now about a woman whose friends in college were pegged as the type to “marry rich” and aspire to be a stay at home parent. Like, god forbid a person anticipate the full weight of caring for kids before having them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jealousy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never felt like other devalued SAHM. Is it a particular post you are referencing?

In particular there is one post in the relationship forum now about a woman whose friends in college were pegged as the type to “marry rich” and aspire to be a stay at home parent. Like, god forbid a person anticipate the full weight of caring for kids before having them.

Kids are a box to check off a list for so many people. I get it. There's so many things we have to do in order to be accepted and considered a normal successful person. Degrees and certifications we don't use, prestigious jobs we hate, ownership of homes we hate in neighborhoods we hate in cities we hate, marriage to a person we resent but who checks boxes, and the coup de grace: kids we don't want to take care of.

[Anonymous]

Meh. There's a ton of judgement of WOHMs, too, for not loving their k8ds enough or being materialistic or whatever. The Mommy Wars are beyond stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a working mother, begrudgingly. Across this board, especially in the relationships forum, there is such disdain for women who stay home with their kids, whether it be by choice or necessity. I am all for this being a parent/woman’s choice- I have plenty of friends who enjoy their career more than they’d enjoy or value being home, and that’s great. But I also respect parents who opt out because they value being fully available to their kids, and I wish I was able to be one of them.

I don’t hate my career, but I don’t love it, and I work from home. It is certainly not something I enjoy doing more than I value raising my kids. We are fortunate to have a nanny our kids love, yet it kills me inside every day to hear my kids downstairs being raised by someone else. I wish financially it didn’t hurt for me to stay home and be the one with them every day. I’m sure many parents feel a similar pull to be home with young kids while they genuinely want you to be there. I just don’t get the DCUM sneer about stay at home moms. Even if they’re highly educated, it’s not a “waste” if they worked for ten years before deciding to stay home for a period of time.

Why does dcum devalue stay at home parents?

Parenting is a long road. As adults, your kids are highly unlikely to think of your nanny as the one who raised them. This is just a season. You’re the one who has been there, is there, and will always be there. She’s not raising your kids. She is part of the team that cares for them.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand it either. I love my job and wouldn't want to be full time SAHM. But I think it's awesome when people have the desire to do it and are able to make it work.

[Anonymous]

Another working mom who doesn't get it. I especially do not understand the disdain some people have for women who stay at home when their children are infants or toddlers -- even if it is not something you, personally, would choose to do (though I would, if it were financially feasible), I don't understand why so many people, so many mothers, act like it's worthless or that someone doing this is mooching off their spouse.

I mean, as someone who pays others to care for my kids, and how really values those people and put a lot of effort into trying to find the best possible caregivers for them if I was not going to be able to do it myself, I cannot imagine looking at any person who cares for young children on a full time basis and thinks their work is not meaningful or important. Is it meaningful and important when you pay someone to do it but not when someone does if or their own kids? That makes no sense at all.

Of course I do think some people disdain their daycare or their nannies and see them as "the help" who are beneath them, but this is so obviously a gross and incorrect belief. And people like this clearly don't really care for their own children, or children at all.

I understand the attitude a bit more with SAHMs of school-age kids, though even there, if you are a parent you understand the incredible childcare conundrum this creates for dual income families who must be continually finding part-time childcare for after school and summers and other breaks for years and years because school is like 60% childcare solution, if that, and it would be so much easier to just have a SAHP who can take that on instead.

I think it really just comes down to misogyny and a societal undervaluing of any kind of care work, whether it's being performed by a woman you otherwise consider a peer, or (as is most often the case for paid childcare workers) an immigrant woman. Since men rarely if ever do this work, whether in a paid or unpaid capacity, we assume it must not be high value. If it was important, men would do it, since they are the important ones whose time matters. Right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh. There's a ton of judgement of WOHMs, too, for not loving their k8ds enough or being materialistic or whatever. The Mommy Wars are beyond stupid.

+1. I totally agree and don't care what people do; whatever works for you! But don't pretend there aren't tons of stay at home moms who don't lob back HARD at WOHMs. I've gotten absolutely appalling comments from some acting like I shouldn't have even had kids if I "wasn't going to love and care for them" or "didn't care if I raised a school shooter." It can be vicious on both sides, best to ignore entirely.

I will say I find it rich coming from a SAHM with 2 round the clock weekday and weekend nannies.

[Anonymous]

Working mom here and people have disdain for that, for our family using daycare, and on and on. Moms in America can’t win - someone is always criticizing!