Why is there such disdain for stay at home parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man is not a plan.

Of course. If you plan to be unmarried and use donor sperm then a man is not a plan. If you are married and have kids ith your DH then you should still have a fall back plan - education, money, insurance, support - etc. That is a given.

Which you generally need your own career to get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could care less about what anyone else thinks. My life, my kids, my choice. I work not because I have to/need to financially, but because it is fulfilling to me. I have my own business and set my own hours, to an extent. I also want my kids to see me as a productive and a finacial contributor to the family. I make a small fraction of what DH makes but I pay for all the kids' extra curriculars. There are always 'mommy wars', you have to ignore and move on from the noise.

Respectfully, I find the “I work outside the home to be a better model for my children“ to be an absolute copout. Nobody really does tnat. They do it because they want to work or have to work. Period. It has nothing to do with “modeling for the children”

SAHP here. I disagree with you a bit. I don't know how much it actually is the sole motivation of somebody's choice, but I do think that a kid raised in your typical SAHM/working dad dynamic is more likely to have the wrong idea bout gender roles. But I also think the same is true of situations where both parents work but the mom is essentially also the manager of the household. That's the downfall of a lot of younger millennial men, I think.

It all depends on how the SAHM mom “models,” doesn’t it? I was a SAHM from start to finish and my four of my daughters all went on to get professional degrees and great jobs. A couple of them make more money than their husbands and their husbands have taken on more of the child care. The “modeling” that we did wasn’t that the woman had to stay home and not work, but that children and family were a very high priority and one parent or the other was going to sacrifice a bit of themselves to make it all work.

[Anonymous]

When husbands outsource childcare to their wives while they work, nobody bats an eye.

When working wives/mothers outsource childcare to a nanny or daycare, people judge.

[Anonymous]

WOHM here and I can admit I am jealous! I regret my own decisions and pine for a different life and the ability to stay at home with my kids, especially when they were little.

I think the disdain comes from socializing a generation of women (I am an older milennial) that they can "do better" than older generations, they need focus on careers, have no more than two kids, and staying at home is only for those who dont have an education or career options.

It turned out for many (not everyone!) that its not all sunshine and roses. So jealousy that bred resentment and disdain however misguided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jealousy.

+ 1,000,000

Especially in dmv, the sahp are usually financially able to sah.

I find the opposite. Most of the SAHP I know can't afford the daycare for their brood.

Keep telling yourself that if it makes your feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When husbands outsource childcare to their wives while they work, nobody bats an eye.

When working wives/mothers outsource childcare to a nanny or daycare, people judge.

Your post makes zero sense. It’s not “outsourcing” when a mother does the childcare. It’s “outsourcing” when neither parent does.

[Anonymous]

1. Not understanding that some educated UMC women are in great marriages that statistically are unlikely to fail, and their husband fully supports them staying home. They have a happy life and both spouses think a stay at home spouse is best.

2. Jealousy

3. The fact that men usually have the SAH spouse and this makes it more difficult for working women since it supports traditional gender roles.

4. Not understanding that some people don’t need the money, and many people place little value on a W2. Many women don’t think working for a corporation is better than spending time with their own family.

I’m a working mom

[Anonymous]

Why is there such disdain for working mothers? It's the same thing on both sides. Not sure why you don't see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’re completely dependent on their husbands. If he dies or abuses her, she’s SOL.

But that's her problem, not yours.

- WAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jealousy.

+ 1,000,000

Especially in dmv, the sahp are usually financially able to sah.

I find the opposite. Most of the SAHP I know can't afford the daycare for their brood.

Keep telling yourself that if it makes your feel better.

I wonder where PP is from. When I lived in a more conservative area that was the case for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re completely dependent on their husbands. If he dies or abuses her, she’s SOL.

Men with SAHMs are also completely dependent on their wives. If she dies, who will take care of his children while he works? Who will clean his house? Who will do all the administration of running the family and the household.

And if you're response is "he will hire a nanny and a housecleaner and a personal assistant," you have just proved my point because if you have to hire three people to replace all the stuff your spouse does to make your life functional, then you are 100% dependent on them.

Also, guess what? I'm a working mom but if my DH died or abused me, I'd be in trouble, too. I don't have extended family I can rely on and it would be extremely hard for me to support myself and my kids just on my salary (it would also be extremely hard for my husband). Having a job does not automatically rescue you from ever being vulnerable to loss or abuse, especially not in an economy that assumes all families have two incomes.

I will allow that if your husband is abusive, you should try to find a way to get and maintain a job because it will make it easier for you to leave. Of course, one form of abuse is preventing a spouse from working outside the home specifically to eliminate avenues for leaving you, so if you find out a SAHM is being abused by her husband, maybe consider having sympathy for an abuse survivor instead of shunning her for being a SAHM.

Are you really this dim?

[Anonymous]

WOHM here. I sort of wish I was jealous. But honestly I just don't understand people who aren't motivated to pursue career goals.

[Anonymous]

Based on what my working friends say, jealousy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another working mom who doesn't get it. I especially do not understand the disdain some people have for women who stay at home when their children are infants or toddlers -- even if it is not something you, personally, would choose to do (though I would, if it were financially feasible), I don't understand why so many people, so many mothers, act like it's worthless or that someone doing this is mooching off their spouse.

I mean, as someone who pays others to care for my kids, and how really values those people and put a lot of effort into trying to find the best possible caregivers for them if I was not going to be able to do it myself, I cannot imagine looking at any person who cares for young children on a full time basis and thinks their work is not meaningful or important. Is it meaningful and important when you pay someone to do it but not when someone does if or their own kids? That makes no sense at all.

Of course I do think some people disdain their daycare or their nannies and see them as "the help" who are beneath them, but this is so obviously a gross and incorrect belief. And people like this clearly don't really care for their own children, or children at all.

I understand the attitude a bit more with SAHMs of school-age kids, though even there, if you are a parent you understand the incredible childcare conundrum this creates for dual income families who must be continually finding part-time childcare for after school and summers and other breaks for years and years because school is like 60% childcare solution, if that, and it would be so much easier to just have a SAHP who can take that on instead.

I think it really just comes down to misogyny and a societal undervaluing of any kind of care work, whether it's being performed by a woman you otherwise consider a peer, or (as is most often the case for paid childcare workers) an immigrant woman. Since men rarely if ever do this work, whether in a paid or unpaid capacity, we assume it must not be high value. If it was important, men would do it, since they are the important ones whose time matters. Right?

agree with all this. well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re completely dependent on their husbands. If he dies or abuses her, she’s SOL.

But that's her problem, not yours.

- WAHM

This is what life insurance is for. Not at SAHM's are poor.