Why is there such disdain for stay at home parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are

J E L L Y
E
L
L
Y

Oh, you’re 12 years old. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jealousy.

I think there’s also some shame that you couldn’t be happy doing something that selfless.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Anonymous]

I’m not jealous. Most SAHMs weren’t on a career trajectory worth staying in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jealousy.

+ 1,000,000

Especially in dmv, the sahp are usually financially able to sah.

I find the opposite. Most of the SAHP I know can't afford the daycare for their brood.

Keep telling yourself that if it makes your feel better.

It’s true. Sorry the truth hurts. DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t disdain SAHP but I do feel like they should recognize they have it pretty cushy. Most working moms do everything a SAHM does plus work. So I inwardly roll my eyes when my SAHM friends complain about being so busy or so tired. It’s not distain but it’s not a flattering thought/feeling!

I'm sure your nanny/daycare totally agrees with you.

I’m sorry you’re so insecure. I hope you feel better soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jealousy.

+ 1,000,000

Especially in dmv, the sahp are usually financially able to sah.

I find the opposite. Most of the SAHP I know can't afford the daycare for their brood.

Keep telling yourself that if it makes your feel better.

It’s true. Sorry the truth hurts. DP

Not the pp. There are so many different kinds of SAHMs. You can’t possibly group them altogether. Yes, there are moms who had low paying jobs who can’t cover daycare. There are moms with kids with special needs. There are moms with husbands with demanding high paying jobs. We live in an affluent neighborhood. There are no poor SAHMs here. If anything, the poorer ones are the ones where both incomes are needed to pay for the house and lifestyle in this affluent neighborhood. The richer ones come from money or have husbands who make seven figures and the wife doesn’t need to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are

J E L L Y
E
L
L
Y

Oh, you’re 12 years old. Got it.

Ha ha I thought it was clever!

- DP

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's jealousy, but it can seem that way due to the amount of disdain. A few become over reactive to the holier than thou sahm posts, even though those are in the minority. It gets under their skin to hear some accusations of not being present, but that can happen with anyone online who hasn't developed a callus to the BS. I think it's just an easy and popular target with little downside to openly judging sahps. Everyone has their varied reasons to judge but, I think the biggest reason is to bolster their security in their own choices.

I don't think we model the ideal parenting situation to our kids but I don't know many other wohms/sahms who do either. I see myself in some of these posted negative attributes about sahm life (I am happily boring) but also the negative attributes for wohms (I am often rushing around to pick up/drop off and juggling thin time margins). We fall short at times and come out ahead other times.

A few posters paint this idealic portrait of domestic bliss sahm life or killer career goals wohms juggling it all well instilling egalitarian values for their kids. I don't buy any of it and I hope most readers feel the same. The only losers are those who let these online opinions bleed into their real life judgments and interactions as you'll set yourself up for disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's jealousy, but it can seem that way due to the amount of disdain. A few become over reactive to the holier than thou sahm posts, even though those are in the minority. It gets under their skin to hear some accusations of not being present, but that can happen with anyone online who hasn't developed a callus to the BS. I think it's just an easy and popular target with little downside to openly judging sahps. Everyone has their varied reasons to judge but, I think the biggest reason is to bolster their security in their own choices.

I don't think we model the ideal parenting situation to our kids but I don't know many other wohms/sahms who do either. I see myself in some of these posted negative attributes about sahm life (I am happily boring) but also the negative attributes for wohms (I am often rushing around to pick up/drop off and juggling thin time margins). We fall short at times and come out ahead other times.

A few posters paint this idealic portrait of domestic bliss sahm life or killer career goals wohms juggling it all well instilling egalitarian values for their kids. I don't buy any of it and I hope most readers feel the same. The only losers are those who let these online opinions bleed into their real life judgments and interactions as you'll set yourself up for disappointment.

Sensible comment. I work part-time with a lot of flexibility, so often feel defensive if both SAHMs and working moms, and frustrated by the way they are pitted against each other.

The truth is that the expectations placed on moms make us all defensive of our choices. I’m fairly happy with my life and work but still feel both guilt and longing for other things. There are not enough hours in the day for everything women are expected to do and be, and we all have to accept that and figure out what we’re going to let go, knowing whatever it is, someone somewhere will judge us for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's jealousy, but it can seem that way due to the amount of disdain. A few become over reactive to the holier than thou sahm posts, even though those are in the minority. It gets under their skin to hear some accusations of not being present, but that can happen with anyone online who hasn't developed a callus to the BS. I think it's just an easy and popular target with little downside to openly judging sahps. Everyone has their varied reasons to judge but, I think the biggest reason is to bolster their security in their own choices.

I don't think we model the ideal parenting situation to our kids but I don't know many other wohms/sahms who do either. I see myself in some of these posted negative attributes about sahm life (I am happily boring) but also the negative attributes for wohms (I am often rushing around to pick up/drop off and juggling thin time margins). We fall short at times and come out ahead other times.

A few posters paint this idealic portrait of domestic bliss sahm life or killer career goals wohms juggling it all well instilling egalitarian values for their kids. I don't buy any of it and I hope most readers feel the same. The only losers are those who let these online opinions bleed into their real life judgments and interactions as you'll set yourself up for disappointment.

Sensible comment. I work part-time with a lot of flexibility, so often feel defensive if both SAHMs and working moms, and frustrated by the way they are pitted against each other.

The truth is that the expectations placed on moms make us all defensive of our choices. I’m fairly happy with my life and work but still feel both guilt and longing for other things. There are not enough hours in the day for everything women are expected to do and be, and we all have to accept that and figure out what we’re going to let go, knowing whatever it is, someone somewhere will judge us for it.

Spouse also plays such a huge role. DH and I used to earn around the same and we both had somewhat flexible hours. We had a HHI of 400-500k. Then DH got a new job that paid 500k base and was much more demanding. I was getting crushed doing both morning and afternoons alone. I hired help of course but I wanted to spend more time with the kids.

If DH and I kept at our flexible jobs, we would have been fine. DH now earns multiple times what he used to when he had a more flexible job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's jealousy, but it can seem that way due to the amount of disdain. A few become over reactive to the holier than thou sahm posts, even though those are in the minority. It gets under their skin to hear some accusations of not being present, but that can happen with anyone online who hasn't developed a callus to the BS. I think it's just an easy and popular target with little downside to openly judging sahps. Everyone has their varied reasons to judge but, I think the biggest reason is to bolster their security in their own choices.

I don't think we model the ideal parenting situation to our kids but I don't know many other wohms/sahms who do either. I see myself in some of these posted negative attributes about sahm life (I am happily boring) but also the negative attributes for wohms (I am often rushing around to pick up/drop off and juggling thin time margins). We fall short at times and come out ahead other times.

A few posters paint this idealic portrait of domestic bliss sahm life or killer career goals wohms juggling it all well instilling egalitarian values for their kids. I don't buy any of it and I hope most readers feel the same. The only losers are those who let these online opinions bleed into their real life judgments and interactions as you'll set yourself up for disappointment.

Sensible comment. I work part-time with a lot of flexibility, so often feel defensive if both SAHMs and working moms, and frustrated by the way they are pitted against each other.

The truth is that the expectations placed on moms make us all defensive of our choices. I’m fairly happy with my life and work but still feel both guilt and longing for other things. There are not enough hours in the day for everything women are expected to do and be, and we all have to accept that and figure out what we’re going to let go, knowing whatever it is, someone somewhere will judge us for it.

Spouse also plays such a huge role. DH and I used to earn around the same and we both had somewhat flexible hours. We had a HHI of 400-500k. Then DH got a new job that paid 500k base and was much more demanding. I was getting crushed doing both morning and afternoons alone. I hired help of course but I wanted to spend more time with the kids.

If DH and I kept at our flexible jobs, we would have been fine. DH now earns multiple times what he used to when he had a more flexible job.

Agree spouse is critical, and the ways that they impact a mom’s choices are often overlooked by people who think every woman has identical choices.

At a much lower income level, but I relate to the struggles of a partner with inflexible work. My DH’s work has always been very inflexible, since before we had kids, and creating a functional situation around that has been difficult.

I felt very judged when I decided to SAHM for a couple years. I know some people had the “must be nice” take on it, and others just thought it was a mistake. But the truth was that it was the best way to preserve my own happiness during those baby/toddler years. DH couldn’t do drop off or pick up, could not help find childcare even. Even staying home with a sick kid was hard for logistical reasons (very difficult for him to leave work once there, early schedule meant he left before we even knew baby was sick).

Becoming a SAHM under those circumstances felt more like partnership than continuing to work. It was a retrograde division of labor (he made money, I took care of kids and home), but it was more fair to me than an alternative where I worked full time AND took care of most things child and house related. I think it saved us from the resentment I know I would have felt if I’d continued to work. It also allowed us to not have to make tough compromises on quality if childcare, since we couldn’t afford a nanny and the daycares with space and that we could afford were definitely lower quality than what I could offer myself.

5 years later, kids are in school and I’m working again, though in a flexible part-time role. DH has gained more flexibilty with his work and will soon have even more. I have zero regrets about the years I spent as a SAHM. It didn’t feel like a sacrifice— it felt like the best solution for me, specifically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not disdain, maybe judgement? Once the kids are in school, what do you do with all your time? And agree w PP - having young children be your primary social interaction day in and out sounds very boring.

Judgement? For what? Your life choices is yours. I don't judge you for marrying who you married, working where you work, having the kids that you have, getting the education that you got, right? Everything a your choice and you live with it, no?

what do I do? I make sure that cleaning, laundry, yard, cooking, grocery, banking, paperwork is done and the house is running smoothly. I make sure that I have lined up enrichment and socialization opportunities for my family. I make sure that my family's life is easier and they have quality and quantity time at home, that they can leverage for their education, their social network, their mental and physical health.

They come back from school to a home that is a haven. They come back to a welcoming house that is clean and where dinner is already cooked. They come home and chill and de-stress. I also spend my time looking after my health and the social and family relationships. we entertain a lot because I have the bandwidth for that. Unlike a mom who is putting in 8 hour at work, who is tired when he comes back. Am I privileged? Hell, yes! why would I want it any other way? My kids will go to college and this season will end too. why would I miss a second of time with them if I can help it? My priority and choice will always be my kids over work, my family over work, my health over work, my marriage over work. It is what it is.

+1

I actually feel so much busier with older kids. With three elementry/middle school kids in sports, the laundry has multiplied significantly, as has the cooking, food prep, grocery shopping. The school day starts and ends earlier for one, later for two. One child has a special academic enrichment program they need to be picked up from middle school and driven to around lunch time twice per week, then picked up again later. The other kids need to be picked up somewhere in the middle of that time. Sports practice for all run pretty much 3-6 or 7pm in staggering intervals every day of the week. Add in cooking, the house cleaning, the yard work, getting my own exercise in and those early daytime hours are eaten up quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t disdain SAHP but I do feel like they should recognize they have it pretty cushy. Most working moms do everything a SAHM does plus work. So I inwardly roll my eyes when my SAHM friends complain about being so busy or so tired. It’s not distain but it’s not a flattering thought/feeling!

Maybe, MAYBE once kids are in school, but not before then! Come on - working moms have someone else taking care of their kids while they're at work. I AM a working mom, always have been, we had a full-time nanny until our kids were well into elementary school. Both working moms and stay at home moms raise their children, they both parent their children, they possibly both do laundry, clean the house, help with homework, shuttle kids around, etc. BUT WORKING MOMS DON'T DO EVERYTHING SAHMS DO. Stop saying that! It makes working moms looks like a$$holes, which is why it makes me so mad. I hate that SAHMs can then say that's how I feel because it isn't!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom, live in the DMV, have a graduate degree. I had a successful 15 year career before having kids.

Most careers are not important. Kids are always important. I do envy some SAHMs because if you have the right resources and support, I think focusing 100% on family and kids could be incredibly fulfilling.

I don't understand the attitude that what SAHPs do is easy or unimportant. My work has the aura of importance because it involves large sums of money and people with impressive degrees and pedigrees. But I know that in the grand scheme of things, raising children is much more important.

+100. All you people saying how important your career is, please don’t kid yourself into thinking that what you are doing is irreplaceable. Raising kids is single handedly the most important contribution you will make in your life. I stayed home for 11 years and recently started working full time from home because I wanted to have a more meaningful life. Now I realize the most meaningful thing I will ever do is to raise my kids into healthy, well adjusted individuals who can contribute positively to society.

Nice jab at childfree women, PPs.

?? I don't think it is a jab. It is better to be childfree than to be an absent, abusive and neglectful parent.

NP. The quote was that raising children is the most important thing anyone will ever do. Ergo, if you never raise children, you have never done anything important. That's a crappy thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t disdain SAHP but I do feel like they should recognize they have it pretty cushy. Most working moms do everything a SAHM does plus work. So I inwardly roll my eyes when my SAHM friends complain about being so busy or so tired. It’s not distain but it’s not a flattering thought/feeling!

Maybe, MAYBE once kids are in school, but not before then! Come on - working moms have someone else taking care of their kids while they're at work. I AM a working mom, always have been, we had a full-time nanny until our kids were well into elementary school. Both working moms and stay at home moms raise their children, they both parent their children, they possibly both do laundry, clean the house, help with homework, shuttle kids around, etc. BUT WORKING MOMS DON'T DO EVERYTHING SAHMS DO. Stop saying that! It makes working moms looks like a$$holes, which is why it makes me so mad. I hate that SAHMs can then say that's how I feel because it isn't!

Correct, working moms don’t coddle their kids.