Why is there such disdain for stay at home parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t disdain SAHP but I do feel like they should recognize they have it pretty cushy. Most working moms do everything a SAHM does plus work. So I inwardly roll my eyes when my SAHM friends complain about being so busy or so tired. It’s not distain but it’s not a flattering thought/feeling!

They don't spend 8 or 9 or more hours a day interacting with and caring for their children which some people think is not important as long as somebody is caring for the children but some other people think is vitally important to every aspect of child development, especially infants and toddlers. I inwardly roll my eyes when people dismiss the value of babies being cared for by a parent, especially when they say the child won't remember whether a nanny or a daycare worker or their mom took care of them when they were little, as if what happens during those years doesn't matter if the child doesn't remember it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t disdain SAHP but I do feel like they should recognize they have it pretty cushy. Most working moms do everything a SAHM does plus work. So I inwardly roll my eyes when my SAHM friends complain about being so busy or so tired. It’s not distain but it’s not a flattering thought/feeling!

Yes, you probably work like a dog and do double duty. Your life is very hard.

No, you do not spend as much time with your kid as a sahm does. You come home and clean the house, cook food etc and your kid does not get time with you. sahm's kid is coming home to a clean house, cooked food, and a mom who had time for them.

Well that's rude.

It's also inaccurate to say that working moms do everything SAHMs do plus work on top of that. SAHP are (typically) doing an extra eight hours of childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not disdain, maybe judgement? Once the kids are in school, what do you do with all your time? And agree w PP - having young children be your primary social interaction day in and out sounds very boring.

Judgement? For what? Your life choices is yours. I don't judge you for marrying who you married, working where you work, having the kids that you have, getting the education that you got, right? Everything a your choice and you live with it, no?

what do I do? I make sure that cleaning, laundry, yard, cooking, grocery, banking, paperwork is done and the house is running smoothly. I make sure that I have lined up enrichment and socialization opportunities for my family. I make sure that my family's life is easier and they have quality and quantity time at home, that they can leverage for their education, their social network, their mental and physical health.

They come back from school to a home that is a haven. They come back to a welcoming house that is clean and where dinner is already cooked. They come home and chill and de-stress. I also spend my time looking after my health and the social and family relationships. we entertain a lot because I have the bandwidth for that. Unlike a mom who is putting in 8 hour at work, who is tired when he comes back. Am I privileged? Hell, yes! why would I want it any other way? My kids will go to college and this season will end too. why would I miss a second of time with them if I can help it? My priority and choice will always be my kids over work, my family over work, my health over work, my marriage over work. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is an online only thing. I’m a SAHM to elementary kids and a middle schooler and have never felt distant from anyone I know in person. I have lots of working mom friends

Not only an online thing. I certainly felt distain from some former co-workers when I decided to stay home. Some were supportive but others wrote me off.

I feel it even a little from DH. He was SO supportive until they went to school full-time. He told me how he could “never” do what I do, he’s so grateful, etc. but within a few years of our youngest going to school, he basically became jealous. I stressed about it for awhile but ultimately decided that I don’t really care. My going back at this point would have minimal effect on our finances (he makes a lot and we don’t spend very much) and major effect on me and the kids. My husband’s life wouldn’t change much so of course he’s fine with it. I basically told him to pound sand and that if he wanted a working wife he needed a time machine and he got over it. He’s not going to leave, but even if he did we’re frugal enough that 1/2 of our assets plus child support would be enough. He hasn’t brought it up in years though. Still, I wish he were as appreciative as he once was, but I’m not going to stress myself out over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t disdain SAHP but I do feel like they should recognize they have it pretty cushy. Most working moms do everything a SAHM does plus work. So I inwardly roll my eyes when my SAHM friends complain about being so busy or so tired. It’s not distain but it’s not a flattering thought/feeling!

I'm sure your nanny/daycare totally agrees with you.

[Anonymous]

I am all for people making the choices that work best for them, and I think SAH is a wonderful choice for a lot of families. What curdled me about a lot of SAHMs I interacted with was the language they used when discussing their status. Things like: "your kids are only young once," or "I didn't want a stranger caring for my child," or "I wanted to be there for my kids when they got home from school." As if these aren't things that all parents consider, or that working parents throw these concepts out the window or feel callously about their kids.

These are only a few examples of things people thought were appropriate to say in mixed company. As a working parent, I would never make a comment that might make a stay-at-home parent feel judged for their choice, or make them feel their children were less than for being in childcare. Our financial circumstances made it nearly impossible for me to stay home during our kids' younger years. I am grateful to have more balance now, but it was very tough for me for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am all for people making the choices that work best for them, and I think SAH is a wonderful choice for a lot of families. What curdled me about a lot of SAHMs I interacted with was the language they used when discussing their status. Things like: "your kids are only young once," or "I didn't want a stranger caring for my child," or "I wanted to be there for my kids when they got home from school." As if these aren't things that all parents consider, or that working parents throw these concepts out the window or feel callously about their kids.

These are only a few examples of things people thought were appropriate to say in mixed company. As a working parent, I would never make a comment that might make a stay-at-home parent feel judged for their choice, or make them feel their children were less than for being in childcare. Our financial circumstances made it nearly impossible for me to stay home during our kids' younger years. I am grateful to have more balance now, but it was very tough for me for a while.

Yes those are very rude comments. Both working parents and SAHP need to consider ways to explain their choices that don't denigrate others' choices. It's very hard with something as fraught as parenthood because parenthood is so important and we can feel strongly about our choices, but we really need to be careful with language.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the disdain is more for SAHM that complain about how hard it is. I'm not saying I agree with the view. I know it's hard to be a SAHM.

I think there's a tendency for working moms to think they have it harder, juggling a career and motherhood.

That makes them less than sympathetic toward SAHM who complain about their problems.

Some of it also comes from feminists who don't think women should be dependent on men.

This. Its not SAHM. Its the mommy martyrs, who don't have work, have tons of money from a breadwinner, and answer to NOBODY yet feel life is so hard.

They have complete autonomy of their day, they are caring for their own kids they chose to have, have no commute, no deliverables, no worry of not having enough money.

Sure young kids are tiring. But that sucks for all parents. Rushing to make daycare close is a special circle of hell. I stayed home for the first year, and yeah its grunt work 24/7, but there was no urgency or rushing, and guess what, if my kid naps I could nap -- try pulling that off at the office?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is an online only thing. I’m a SAHM to elementary kids and a middle schooler and have never felt distant from anyone I know in person. I have lots of working mom friends

Not only an online thing. I certainly felt distain from some former co-workers when I decided to stay home. Some were supportive but others wrote me off.

I feel it even a little from DH. He was SO supportive until they went to school full-time. He told me how he could “never” do what I do, he’s so grateful, etc. but within a few years of our youngest going to school, he basically became jealous. I stressed about it for awhile but ultimately decided that I don’t really care. My going back at this point would have minimal effect on our finances (he makes a lot and we don’t spend very much) and major effect on me and the kids. My husband’s life wouldn’t change much so of course he’s fine with it. I basically told him to pound sand and that if he wanted a working wife he needed a time machine and he got over it. He’s not going to leave, but even if he did we’re frugal enough that 1/2 of our assets plus child support would be enough. He hasn’t brought it up in years though. Still, I wish he were as appreciative as he once was, but I’m not going to stress myself out over it.

That's odd, because having a SAHM/SAHW generally helps one's career immensely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is an online only thing. I’m a SAHM to elementary kids and a middle schooler and have never felt distant from anyone I know in person. I have lots of working mom friends

Not only an online thing. I certainly felt distain from some former co-workers when I decided to stay home. Some were supportive but others wrote me off.

I feel it even a little from DH. He was SO supportive until they went to school full-time. He told me how he could “never” do what I do, he’s so grateful, etc. but within a few years of our youngest going to school, he basically became jealous. I stressed about it for awhile but ultimately decided that I don’t really care. My going back at this point would have minimal effect on our finances (he makes a lot and we don’t spend very much) and major effect on me and the kids. My husband’s life wouldn’t change much so of course he’s fine with it. I basically told him to pound sand and that if he wanted a working wife he needed a time machine and he got over it. He’s not going to leave, but even if he did we’re frugal enough that 1/2 of our assets plus child support would be enough. He hasn’t brought it up in years though. Still, I wish he were as appreciative as he once was, but I’m not going to stress myself out over it.

That's odd, because having a SAHM/SAHW generally helps one's career immensely.

He doesn’t love his job (lawyer) that’s the issue. But we can’t switch places so here we are. We at least have plenty such that he can be choosy about where he works, even if he can’t quit completely. And by 55 he will be able to quit completely if he wants, sooner if the market goes on another run up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not disdain, maybe judgement? Once the kids are in school, what do you do with all your time? And agree w PP - having young children be your primary social interaction day in and out sounds very boring.

Judgement? For what? Your life choices is yours. I don't judge you for marrying who you married, working where you work, having the kids that you have, getting the education that you got, right? Everything a your choice and you live with it, no?

what do I do? I make sure that cleaning, laundry, yard, cooking, grocery, banking, paperwork is done and the house is running smoothly. I make sure that I have lined up enrichment and socialization opportunities for my family. I make sure that my family's life is easier and they have quality and quantity time at home, that they can leverage for their education, their social network, their mental and physical health.

They come back from school to a home that is a haven. They come back to a welcoming house that is clean and where dinner is already cooked. They come home and chill and de-stress. I also spend my time looking after my health and the social and family relationships. we entertain a lot because I have the bandwidth for that. Unlike a mom who is putting in 8 hour at work, who is tired when he comes back. Am I privileged? Hell, yes! why would I want it any other way? My kids will go to college and this season will end too. why would I miss a second of time with them if I can help it? My priority and choice will always be my kids over work, my family over work, my health over work, my marriage over work. It is what it is.

+1

[Anonymous]

He'll no. I couldn't stand the screams. Children remembers the feelings and needs to socialize with others outside of the family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WOHM here. I sort of wish I was jealous. But honestly I just don't understand people who aren't motivated to pursue career goals.

I don’t understand people who want go into a corporate office every day. Yet here we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WOHM here. I sort of wish I was jealous. But honestly I just don't understand people who aren't motivated to pursue career goals.

I don’t understand people who want go into a corporate office every day. Yet here we are.

You don’t understand why someone would want to make their own money & not be completely dependent on their spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom, live in the DMV, have a graduate degree. I had a successful 15 year career before having kids.

Most careers are not important. Kids are always important. I do envy some SAHMs because if you have the right resources and support, I think focusing 100% on family and kids could be incredibly fulfilling.

I don't understand the attitude that what SAHPs do is easy or unimportant. My work has the aura of importance because it involves large sums of money and people with impressive degrees and pedigrees. But I know that in the grand scheme of things, raising children is much more important.

+100. All you people saying how important your career is, please don’t kid yourself into thinking that what you are doing is irreplaceable. Raising kids is single handedly the most important contribution you will make in your life. I stayed home for 11 years and recently started working full time from home because I wanted to have a more meaningful life. Now I realize the most meaningful thing I will ever do is to raise my kids into healthy, well adjusted individuals who can contribute positively to society.

Nice jab at childfree women, PPs.

?? I don't think it is a jab. It is better to be childfree than to be an absent, abusive and neglectful parent.

“Raising kids is single handedly the most important contribution you will make in your life.“