Did you fall in love with your affair partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Betrayed spouses speak of limerence in an attempt to convince themselves that their spouse's relationship with the AP isn't serious. What they refuse to admit, though, is that nearly all romantic relationships start with a crush/limerence, including the one that they previously had with their spouse. Limerence will grow into lasting, meaningful love with time and attention.

That's the reason the wayward spouse has to go No Contact No Matter What with the AP if they are going to attempt reconciliation.

And what APs refuse to admit is that they will never be able to trust that their AP won't ditch them once their affair becomes lasting, meaningful love the same way it did with his spouse. Because next time he develops a crush, it's peace out and on to the next great love of his life.

It is human to fall out of love with someone after a period of time and seek another romantic partner. Obviously it's less than ideal for there to be overlap in the relationships, but that's life. You cannot control your spouse or how they feel about you. If they decide they don't love you anymore, don't you want to be free of them anyway? Why be a person that someone is settling for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Betrayed spouses speak of limerence in an attempt to convince themselves that their spouse's relationship with the AP isn't serious. What they refuse to admit, though, is that nearly all romantic relationships start with a crush/limerence, including the one that they previously had with their spouse. Limerence will grow into lasting, meaningful love with time and attention.

That's the reason the wayward spouse has to go No Contact No Matter What with the AP if they are going to attempt reconciliation.

This 10000%

The limerence excuse always bothered me for that reason. Trouble is that it is hard to go no contact if you’re in limerence or love with someone already.

Deep down, I think betrayed spouses know this. They also know that their wayward spouse is "grieving" the end of their relationship with AP. I couldn't stay with someone who was crying in the shower because they miss their AP so much, but that's me. There's also no guarantee that they will fall back in love with you, even after the thing with the AP fades (if it ever truly does). No, too many variables and unknowns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Betrayed spouses speak of limerence in an attempt to convince themselves that their spouse's relationship with the AP isn't serious. What they refuse to admit, though, is that nearly all romantic relationships start with a crush/limerence, including the one that they previously had with their spouse. Limerence will grow into lasting, meaningful love with time and attention.

That's the reason the wayward spouse has to go No Contact No Matter What with the AP if they are going to attempt reconciliation.

And what APs refuse to admit is that they will never be able to trust that their AP won't ditch them once their affair becomes lasting, meaningful love the same way it did with his spouse. Because next time he develops a crush, it's peace out and on to the next great love of his life.

It is human to fall out of love with someone after a period of time and seek another romantic partner. Obviously it's less than ideal for there to be overlap in the relationships, but that's life. You cannot control your spouse or how they feel about you. If they decide they don't love you anymore, don't you want to be free of them anyway? Why be a person that someone is settling for?

But when you get married you commit to working past those feelings and building a life with someone. If everyone skipped out on the marriage because their feelings ebbed, basically no one would have a long marriage. Right? I don’t know, my parents divorced and I have always struggled with whether my feelings about my relationship are “normal”- I wanted to leave many times.

Also, the considerate thing to do is to leave the marriage before you start searching for new partners. But that would involve a risk- not finding a compatible partner ever.

[Anonymous]

Hi, cheater! Do you think you will ever be ready to own that your affair screwed up your kids? You are the disgusting, selfish one.


Never cheated. Sorry your family is such a wreck, that sounds hard.

If you never cheated, what experience are you drawing on to add insight to this thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to judge, but broken marriages/spite scenarios aside, why would anyone betray their spouse and have an affair unless they were in love?

That was me. I was in love with him long before the affair began. Was dumbstruck when he initiated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to judge, but broken marriages/spite scenarios aside, why would anyone betray their spouse and have an affair unless they were in love?

It’s called Ashley Madison. Married men use it to find some married woman to bang no-strings. Married women use it to try and find an exit affair.

The other pp is correct, given this inherent disconnect the men need to end it after a few months. It gets too messy when she gets feels.

[Anonymous]

My affair was like nothing I have ever experienced before or since. I loved him before it started, but never thought it would go there. Once it did, I never slept with my DH again. My whole life was lies but my body kept the truth of where my heart was. I stopped seeing and went no contact w AP, but have never been able to love DH again with this lie that only I know about between us. There really is no coming back from it for some people.

[Anonymous]

Wow to PP . That is some deep &$@!
So why did you end it with AP ? Were you worried about leaving your kids ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to judge, but broken marriages/spite scenarios aside, why would anyone betray their spouse and have an affair unless they were in love?

It’s called Ashley Madison. Married men use it to find some married woman to bang no-strings. Married women use it to try and find an exit affair.

The other pp is correct, given this inherent disconnect the men need to end it after a few months. It gets too messy when she gets feels.

Most affairs start at work or with someone you already know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Betrayed spouses speak of limerence in an attempt to convince themselves that their spouse's relationship with the AP isn't serious. What they refuse to admit, though, is that nearly all romantic relationships start with a crush/limerence, including the one that they previously had with their spouse. Limerence will grow into lasting, meaningful love with time and attention.

That's the reason the wayward spouse has to go No Contact No Matter What with the AP if they are going to attempt reconciliation.

And what APs refuse to admit is that they will never be able to trust that their AP won't ditch them once their affair becomes lasting, meaningful love the same way it did with his spouse. Because next time he develops a crush, it's peace out and on to the next great love of his life.

+1

It's called having a track record. Ignore his track record at your own peril.

And I learned this saying on DCUM; it's a pithy way to put things: "If he would cheat WITH you, he would cheat ON you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My affair was like nothing I have ever experienced before or since. I loved him before it started, but never thought it would go there. Once it did, I never slept with my DH again. My whole life was lies but my body kept the truth of where my heart was. I stopped seeing and went no contact w AP, but have never been able to love DH again with this lie that only I know about between us. There really is no coming back from it for some people.

"This lie that only I know about" -- Wait, so are you and DH still together but you are still not having sex with him at all? You don't think he's figured out there is some lie between you, if you're refusing all sex? Or did you create a new "reason" (read: lie) for why you can never have sex? Maybe you did that thing the "open marriage" advocates on DCUM love to recommend and told him to step out and get sex wherever he wanted.

So--are you still married, and is the marriage sexless?

Why didn't you and soulmate AP just end your marriage(s) for each other, if this was such a love connection? Asking for real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to judge, but broken marriages/spite scenarios aside, why would anyone betray their spouse and have an affair unless they were in love?

sometimes it really is just sex. in the same way some people cant resist a donut even though they know it is bad for them, some people cant resist temptation in the form of sex - even if they are getting it at home (the donut eater is also probably getting other healthier food, but the donut is still irresistable!). From these forums it seems like women in particular have a hard time understanding how sex can be disentangled from love and other feelings, but for men (and some women, including me) it can be.

I agree that for some people it really is "just" sex, but then, those people should not marry or be in committed relationships with one other person, unless that person is absolutely fine with, and knows about, the other's predeliction for sex that's "disentangled from feelings." Either both partners should be OK with each other's going after that donut, or both partners should commit fully to having their donut only at home, so to speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Betrayed spouses speak of limerence in an attempt to convince themselves that their spouse's relationship with the AP isn't serious. What they refuse to admit, though, is that nearly all romantic relationships start with a crush/limerence, including the one that they previously had with their spouse. Limerence will grow into lasting, meaningful love with time and attention.

That's the reason the wayward spouse has to go No Contact No Matter What with the AP if they are going to attempt reconciliation.

This 10000%

The limerence excuse always bothered me for that reason. Trouble is that it is hard to go no contact if you’re in limerence or love with someone already.

Deep down, I think betrayed spouses know this. They also know that their wayward spouse is "grieving" the end of their relationship with AP. I couldn't stay with someone who was crying in the shower because they miss their AP so much, but that's me. There's also no guarantee that they will fall back in love with you, even after the thing with the AP fades (if it ever truly does). No, too many variables and unknowns.

Haaaa. Men crying in the shower over the AP they threw under the bus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Betrayed spouses speak of limerence in an attempt to convince themselves that their spouse's relationship with the AP isn't serious. What they refuse to admit, though, is that nearly all romantic relationships start with a crush/limerence, including the one that they previously had with their spouse. Limerence will grow into lasting, meaningful love with time and attention.

That's the reason the wayward spouse has to go No Contact No Matter What with the AP if they are going to attempt reconciliation.

This 10000%

The limerence excuse always bothered me for that reason. Trouble is that it is hard to go no contact if you’re in limerence or love with someone already.

Deep down, I think betrayed spouses know this. They also know that their wayward spouse is "grieving" the end of their relationship with AP. I couldn't stay with someone who was crying in the shower because they miss their AP so much, but that's me. There's also no guarantee that they will fall back in love with you, even after the thing with the AP fades (if it ever truly does). No, too many variables and unknowns.

Haaaa. Men crying in the shower over the AP they threw under the bus.

Yes. Many end ugly. The guy tells her off and then cuts off all means for her to contact him. So the “no contact” is not her choice. There was no grieving, just I’m sick of you and stop asking for more.

[Anonymous]

Never cheated. Sorry your family is such a wreck, that sounds hard.

So, a cheater and not very smart? My family includes my spouse of 30 years and four well-adjusted kids who grew up with parents who love each other and have not cheated. I feel sorry for your kids, who’s family was blown up by their cheating parent.