Did you fall in love with your affair partner?

[Anonymous]

^ sounds like she is blaming her cheating on her husband, imo. Doesn’t sound like remorse or accountability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My affair was like nothing I have ever experienced before or since. I loved him before it started, but never thought it would go there. Once it did, I never slept with my DH again. My whole life was lies but my body kept the truth of where my heart was. I stopped seeing and went no contact w AP, but have never been able to love DH again with this lie that only I know about between us. There really is no coming back from it for some people.

"This lie that only I know about" -- Wait, so are you and DH still together but you are still not having sex with him at all? You don't think he's figured out there is some lie between you, if you're refusing all sex? Or did you create a new "reason" (read: lie) for why you can never have sex? Maybe you did that thing the "open marriage" advocates on DCUM love to recommend and told him to step out and get sex wherever he wanted.

So--are you still married, and is the marriage sexless?

Why didn't you and soulmate AP just end your marriage(s) for each other, if this was such a love connection? Asking for real.

It obviously wasn’t for him which is why she is leading her poor husband on…until she gets the itch again and can try for another exit affair.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Yes. I did. So I broke it off (twice!). It was painful but falling in love with him was not what I was looking for.

How did he take it? Twice rejected.

Sounds like typical dramatic affair partner BS between 2 histrionics that need drama. Since he’s a dude I’m sure he just got on an app and banged someone in “the breaks”.

Probably? I think he did like the drama I provided, he complained that everything about his marriage was sort of dead. Whether that’s true or not, I don’t know.

I love him but I saw how much he loved his children and I love him enough that I knew that staying in his life would ultimately hurt them. Whether he is off banging other women now, I don’t know, probably, but there was 0 chance that he would work things out with his wife and give his kids the dad they deserve as long as he and I were “friends,” with or without sex.

He kept coming back for more no matter what I said or did. And I was growing more and more attached to him. I knew this would end poorly for innocent people so I let him go and went to therapy.

Why were you not looking to fall in love? You don’t hear much about APs being sympathetic to a marriage or they wouldn’t be involved with the man in the first place. Unless maybe you are married yourself and had no plans to leave?

I’m married and he and I both made it very clear early on that we were not interested in disrupting each other’s lives in any way. We both wanted sex/fun. Then I caught feelings. Affairs are immoral and stupid, that’s my lesson for 2023 kids.

Affairs disrupt all lives by their very nature so I agree with your conclusion. What’s different in your case is that it sounds like you broke it off for his situation instead of your own marriage and kids, assuming you have them. How has your own marriage and life been affected and has AP actually stayed away this time? He might have caught feelings too and could reappear.

Again you have to remember that affairs are not the product of mental wellness or logical thinking. My affair fog logic was that my marriage is horribly catastrophic anyway and the relationship was making me more upbeat and relaxed (it kind of was anyway) and I was having my “needs” met.

But expanding my circle of dysfunction to include people who I didn’t know genuinely freaked me out- what if he was lying to me about his marriage? He seemed to readily give up information flattering and unflattering but he was obviously capable of lying. You would think all this would have occurred to me before I engaged in the relationship and it did but I ignored it because I liked him so much.

Maybe because we had other very very big issues in the marriage my DH forgave me and we are in couples counseling (which he refused before).

AP did not reappear and I would not engage if he did regardless of my feelings. I was a complete wreck throughout our relationship.

Besides your cheating, what kind of big issues?

It had not always been this way, but DH became wildly abusive, even to the kids, and it was escalating to physical aggression. I did not fear him but felt trapped, like I was living in a nightmare. I should have just left and I probably will in the end. He is normal now and forgives me but he did so many awful things I’m not sure I am interested in forgiving him.