Did you fall in love with your affair partner?

[Anonymous]

Yep, we were friends for a couple of yrs and in love before the affair started.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've known four people over the years who all left their spouses for their AP. This of course means nothing, predicts nothing, etc. but I post only to say that not all people who are engaged in affairs do it strictly for the sex.

How did those couples work out? How many married and are still married, how many broke up later, in how many was there subsequent cheating with a new AP?

One of the couples got married but divorced after 5 years or so. The three other couples have been together 20+ years. No subsequent cheating in any of the four couples that I am aware of.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of reasons people cheat. Having an affair can mean many different things and fulfill many different needs for many different people. It's not a one-size-fits-all scenario. There are people who cheat only for the sex, there are people who cheat only in the emotional sense, there are people who truly fall in love with their affair partner but are unwilling to leave their spouse, and there are people who want something the AP can offer them (sex, companionship, someone who makes them feel good about themselves, etc.) but that person is only there to fulfill a certain need on the side, and there are people who fall in love with their AP and end up leaving marriages to be together.

The question of whether that person will cheat is again is not one-dimensional either. Someone who is only cheating for sex is more likely to cheat again. So is someone who is not having a particular need met in their marriage and they can have it satisfied elsewhere. Someone who fell in love with their AP and left their marriage for her/him, may never cheat again. Clearly there are all kinds of people in all kinds of scenarios.

[Anonymous]

I would caution people to be careful when thinking they are in love with an AP. The conditions for your relationship are not real life, so everything with that person is idealized versus the stress, inconvenience, and annoyances of day to day reality.

[Anonymous]

He said he never really loved her in the first place. They have a lot in common and she’s great on paper. He never was deeply in love with her. He said it’s so much different between us. People make mistakes and marry the wrong people. They should be able to move on. He just happen to meet me when he was still married to her.

Way to whitewash the fact that you both are defective morally. And the fact that you believe a proven liar. . . First, he obviously told the wife that he cheated on that he loved her and believed that he loved her when he married her, so at a minimum he lied many times to her about that or more likely is now rewriting history like cheaters do. Second, he told a whole truckload of lies while he was cheating with you. So go ahead and buy his story, but I would be checking up on him regularly.

[Anonymous]

Yes but I wouldn't want to be in a committed relationship with him long-term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of reasons people cheat. Having an affair can mean many different things and fulfill many different needs for many different people. It's not a one-size-fits-all scenario. There are people who cheat only for the sex, there are people who cheat only in the emotional sense, there are people who truly fall in love with their affair partner but are unwilling to leave their spouse, and there are people who want something the AP can offer them (sex, companionship, someone who makes them feel good about themselves, etc.) but that person is only there to fulfill a certain need on the side, and there are people who fall in love with their AP and end up leaving marriages to be together.

The question of whether that person will cheat is again is not one-dimensional either. Someone who is only cheating for sex is more likely to cheat again. So is someone who is not having a particular need met in their marriage and they can have it satisfied elsewhere. Someone who fell in love with their AP and left their marriage for her/him, may never cheat again. Clearly there are all kinds of people in all kinds of scenarios.

This is sensible commentary that everyone should read closely.

To answer OP's question, yes, I did love my AP but I also loved (at the time and now) my wife. I don't know if I would have STAYED in love with AP, which is important. I cheated because I had built up resentment that I wasn't even aware of. I learned from that and have never cheated again (and that was over 20 years ago).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of reasons people cheat. Having an affair can mean many different things and fulfill many different needs for many different people. It's not a one-size-fits-all scenario. There are people who cheat only for the sex, there are people who cheat only in the emotional sense, there are people who truly fall in love with their affair partner but are unwilling to leave their spouse, and there are people who want something the AP can offer them (sex, companionship, someone who makes them feel good about themselves, etc.) but that person is only there to fulfill a certain need on the side, and there are people who fall in love with their AP and end up leaving marriages to be together.

The question of whether that person will cheat is again is not one-dimensional either. Someone who is only cheating for sex is more likely to cheat again. So is someone who is not having a particular need met in their marriage and they can have it satisfied elsewhere. Someone who fell in love with their AP and left their marriage for her/him, may never cheat again. Clearly there are all kinds of people in all kinds of scenarios.

This is sensible commentary that everyone should read closely.

To answer OP's question, yes, I did love my AP but I also loved (at the time and now) my wife. I don't know if I would have STAYED in love with AP, which is important. I cheated because I had built up resentment that I wasn't even aware of. I learned from that and have never cheated again (and that was over 20 years ago).

What was your resentment about? How did you get through it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of reasons people cheat. Having an affair can mean many different things and fulfill many different needs for many different people. It's not a one-size-fits-all scenario. There are people who cheat only for the sex, there are people who cheat only in the emotional sense, there are people who truly fall in love with their affair partner but are unwilling to leave their spouse, and there are people who want something the AP can offer them (sex, companionship, someone who makes them feel good about themselves, etc.) but that person is only there to fulfill a certain need on the side, and there are people who fall in love with their AP and end up leaving marriages to be together.

The question of whether that person will cheat is again is not one-dimensional either. Someone who is only cheating for sex is more likely to cheat again. So is someone who is not having a particular need met in their marriage and they can have it satisfied elsewhere. Someone who fell in love with their AP and left their marriage for her/him, may never cheat again. Clearly there are all kinds of people in all kinds of scenarios.

This is sensible commentary that everyone should read closely.

To answer OP's question, yes, I did love my AP but I also loved (at the time and now) my wife. I don't know if I would have STAYED in love with AP, which is important. I cheated because I had built up resentment that I wasn't even aware of. I learned from that and have never cheated again (and that was over 20 years ago).

What was your resentment about? How did you get through it?

It's a bit complicated to summarize and I certainly don't want to bad mouth my wife. My actions were the result of my failings, but we got there as the result of both of us. I was resentful of some of limitations that the relationship placed on my life, e.g., I would wake up on a Saturday morning with plans to do something and over coffee my DW would lay out the agenda for the day, which didn't include what I wanted/planned to do. I didn't voice an objection and just let it stew. That was a mistake.

We got through it two ways: 1) I refused to agree to a divorce under any circumstances; 2) we did the full Retrovaille program, including follow up weekends. Retrovaille really helped us communicate better, which has led to less resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought so in the moment, but once it all came to light and I saw the situation for what it was, I'm disgusted with AP and that point in my life.

I sure hope you are disgusted with yourself as well.

Yes, to an extent I can't even articulate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of reasons people cheat. Having an affair can mean many different things and fulfill many different needs for many different people. It's not a one-size-fits-all scenario. There are people who cheat only for the sex, there are people who cheat only in the emotional sense, there are people who truly fall in love with their affair partner but are unwilling to leave their spouse, and there are people who want something the AP can offer them (sex, companionship, someone who makes them feel good about themselves, etc.) but that person is only there to fulfill a certain need on the side, and there are people who fall in love with their AP and end up leaving marriages to be together.

The question of whether that person will cheat is again is not one-dimensional either. Someone who is only cheating for sex is more likely to cheat again. So is someone who is not having a particular need met in their marriage and they can have it satisfied elsewhere. Someone who fell in love with their AP and left their marriage for her/him, may never cheat again. Clearly there are all kinds of people in all kinds of scenarios.

This is sensible commentary that everyone should read closely.

To answer OP's question, yes, I did love my AP but I also loved (at the time and now) my wife. I don't know if I would have STAYED in love with AP, which is important. I cheated because I had built up resentment that I wasn't even aware of. I learned from that and have never cheated again (and that was over 20 years ago).

What was your resentment about? How did you get through it?

It's a bit complicated to summarize and I certainly don't want to bad mouth my wife. My actions were the result of my failings, but we got there as the result of both of us. I was resentful of some of limitations that the relationship placed on my life, e.g., I would wake up on a Saturday morning with plans to do something and over coffee my DW would lay out the agenda for the day, which didn't include what I wanted/planned to do. I didn't voice an objection and just let it stew. That was a mistake.

We got through it two ways: 1) I refused to agree to a divorce under any circumstances; 2) we did the full Retrovaille program, including follow up weekends. Retrovaille really helped us communicate better, which has led to less resentment.

Thank you for sharing. It is very helpful to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He said he never really loved her in the first place. They have a lot in common and she’s great on paper. He never was deeply in love with her. He said it’s so much different between us. People make mistakes and marry the wrong people. They should be able to move on. He just happen to meet me when he was still married to her.

Way to whitewash the fact that you both are defective morally. And the fact that you believe a proven liar. . . First, he obviously told the wife that he cheated on that he loved her and believed that he loved her when he married her, so at a minimum he lied many times to her about that or more likely is now rewriting history like cheaters do. Second, he told a whole truckload of lies while he was cheating with you. So go ahead and buy his story, but I would be checking up on him regularly.

I understand that you’d never marry a cheater. That’s your decision. I don’t feel the same way. DH loved his ex wife, but was never in love with her. He’s not rewriting history. I love her now and he loves me. That’s good enough for both of us. We have a great marriage and I’m grateful for him everyday. This seems to make your blood boil. Not sure why you’re so invested in other people’s lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I did. So I broke it off (twice!). It was painful but falling in love with him was not what I was looking for.

How did he take it? Twice rejected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I did. So I broke it off (twice!). It was painful but falling in love with him was not what I was looking for.

How did he take it? Twice rejected.

Sounds like typical dramatic affair partner BS between 2 histrionics that need drama. Since he’s a dude I’m sure he just got on an app and banged someone in “the breaks”.

[Anonymous]

No. Definitely not.