Did you fall in love with your affair partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d love to hear from those who had kids and left for their AP . Did it go smoothly ? Do you have 50/50 time with the kids with your ex ?

Yes. 50/50. Everyone is happier except my ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d love to hear from those who had kids and left for their AP . Did it go smoothly ? Do you have 50/50 time with the kids with your ex ?

Yes. 50/50. Everyone is happier except my ex.

And I’m sure that pleases you.^

[Anonymous]

I have never had an affair but it is my firm belief that to have a no strings sex buddy, you need to limit the affair to no more than three months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d love to hear from those who had kids and left for their AP . Did it go smoothly ? Do you have 50/50 time with the kids with your ex ?

Yes. 50/50. Everyone is happier except my ex.

And I’m sure that pleases you.^

Not at all. I was simply stating a fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, my ex left for his affair partner. Both had kids. I can tell you that his parents have never really accepted the AP, and are civil and polite with her but certainly not close. Our older son did the math and figured out that they were having an affair before we were divorced, and he barely speaks to his father at all. He’s also suffered from poor grades and substance abuse. But yeah, my ex and his AP seem happy, and that’s all that matters, right?

You’re disgusting for blaming your child’s bad grades and drug use on your ex. Take some responsibility as an equal co parent.

If anything the bad grades and drug use are probably more a reflection of the resentment and disdain and bad mouthing you did about your ex that really screwed the kid up.

Hi, AP who became a step-mom.

[Anonymous]

I hate to judge, but broken marriages/spite scenarios aside, why would anyone betray their spouse and have an affair unless they were in love?

[Anonymous]

You’re disgusting for blaming your child’s bad grades and drug use on your ex. Take some responsibility as an equal co parent.

There is a lot more to the story that I won't share here for privacy reasons, but there is no doubt with anyone in my son's mental health team that his issues were 100% directly related to how his father handled his affair, the divorce, and subsequent blending of families with the AP. Sorry, but cheating impacts the kids. It just does, full stop. So does divorce. Pretending otherwise is denial.

Ana Nogales is the leading researcher on the impact of infidelity on children. I can't link her entire book here, obviously, but here are some highlights.

https://mncounselingtherapy.com/how-infidelity-impacts-young-teenage-adult-children/

https://familymantra.com/2017/11/feature-children-of-infidelity/

Or if you don't like her, here is a different study from 2015.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/284068213_A_Family_Affair_Examining_the_Impact_of_Parental_Infidelity_on_Children_Using_a_Structural_Family_Therapy_Framework

[Anonymous]

Betrayed spouses speak of limerence in an attempt to convince themselves that their spouse's relationship with the AP isn't serious. What they refuse to admit, though, is that nearly all romantic relationships start with a crush/limerence, including the one that they previously had with their spouse. Limerence will grow into lasting, meaningful love with time and attention.

That's the reason the wayward spouse has to go No Contact No Matter What with the AP if they are going to attempt reconciliation.

[Anonymous]

Betrayed spouses speak of limerence in an attempt to convince themselves that their spouse's relationship with the AP isn't serious. What they refuse to admit, though, is that nearly all romantic relationships start with a crush/limerence, including the one that they previously had with their spouse. Limerence will grow into lasting, meaningful love with time and attention.

That's the reason the wayward spouse has to go No Contact No Matter What with the AP if they are going to attempt reconciliation.

And what APs refuse to admit is that they will never be able to trust that their AP won't ditch them once their affair becomes lasting, meaningful love the same way it did with his spouse. Because next time he develops a crush, it's peace out and on to the next great love of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I did. So I broke it off (twice!). It was painful but falling in love with him was not what I was looking for.

How did he take it? Twice rejected.

Sounds like typical dramatic affair partner BS between 2 histrionics that need drama. Since he’s a dude I’m sure he just got on an app and banged someone in “the breaks”.

Probably? I think he did like the drama I provided, he complained that everything about his marriage was sort of dead. Whether that’s true or not, I don’t know.

I love him but I saw how much he loved his children and I love him enough that I knew that staying in his life would ultimately hurt them. Whether he is off banging other women now, I don’t know, probably, but there was 0 chance that he would work things out with his wife and give his kids the dad they deserve as long as he and I were “friends,” with or without sex.

He kept coming back for more no matter what I said or did. And I was growing more and more attached to him. I knew this would end poorly for innocent people so I let him go and went to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to judge, but broken marriages/spite scenarios aside, why would anyone betray their spouse and have an affair unless they were in love?

sometimes it really is just sex. in the same way some people cant resist a donut even though they know it is bad for them, some people cant resist temptation in the form of sex - even if they are getting it at home (the donut eater is also probably getting other healthier food, but the donut is still irresistable!). From these forums it seems like women in particular have a hard time understanding how sex can be disentangled from love and other feelings, but for men (and some women, including me) it can be.

[Anonymous]

You’re disgusting for blaming your child’s bad grades and drug use on your ex. Take some responsibility as an equal co parent.

Hi, cheater! Do you think you will ever be ready to own that your affair screwed up your kids? You are the disgusting, selfish one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Betrayed spouses speak of limerence in an attempt to convince themselves that their spouse's relationship with the AP isn't serious. What they refuse to admit, though, is that nearly all romantic relationships start with a crush/limerence, including the one that they previously had with their spouse. Limerence will grow into lasting, meaningful love with time and attention.

That's the reason the wayward spouse has to go No Contact No Matter What with the AP if they are going to attempt reconciliation.

This 10000%

The limerence excuse always bothered me for that reason. Trouble is that it is hard to go no contact if you’re in limerence or love with someone already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Betrayed spouses speak of limerence in an attempt to convince themselves that their spouse's relationship with the AP isn't serious. What they refuse to admit, though, is that nearly all romantic relationships start with a crush/limerence, including the one that they previously had with their spouse. Limerence will grow into lasting, meaningful love with time and attention.

That's the reason the wayward spouse has to go No Contact No Matter What with the AP if they are going to attempt reconciliation.

And what APs refuse to admit is that they will never be able to trust that their AP won't ditch them once their affair becomes lasting, meaningful love the same way it did with his spouse. Because next time he develops a crush, it's peace out and on to the next great love of his life.

But really, literally no one can guarantee this. Nothing is a sure thing in this life. So many people are devasted and heartbroken for the rest of their lives because they fully expect their partner to remain faithful forever and ever. And when that fails, everything literally and figuratively just crumbles.

So what I’m saying is, I know people like to say a cheater will probably cheat again once they get bored with their AP. But so many people cheat, even ones you’d never think would and many who never get discovered. There’s just no guarantee that your own spouse won’t or hasn’t already stepped out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You’re disgusting for blaming your child’s bad grades and drug use on your ex. Take some responsibility as an equal co parent.

Hi, cheater! Do you think you will ever be ready to own that your affair screwed up your kids? You are the disgusting, selfish one.

Never cheated. Sorry your family is such a wreck, that sounds hard.