Millennials who are mean.

[Anonymous]

Kids behave the way they saw their parents behave when they were kids. Clearly, they did not just learn horrible behavior when they turned 21.
Monkey sees, monkey does.

[Anonymous]

Once when I was in my early 20's I made plans for Christmas and didn't tell my parents until the last minute. A few weeks later my mother gave me an earful about how disrespectful it was. And she was right.

[Anonymous]

The last time we visited one of them for their child’s first birthday, they gave us chores to do at their house. Pressure wash the outside, put together things. When they came home, they complained about the work

My parents used to ask how they could help and might suggest themselves that the outside of the house looks a little dirty with a little impatience as if implying some small condemnation. I might have remarked that we are short on cash to clean the outside but was planning on hiring someone before the winter but say that would be great if they are up for it. They agree to wash all four sides. Then they might do two sides and then I ask them why they decided not to do the other two sides and then they give me some reason like they couldn't get to it or it didn't need it and that comes out to them as complaining. I let it go and say well I'm not sure I'm going to get to the other sides till the fall and they remark that it would be better if done in the spring. Then they remark I'm ungrateful because it wasn't this perfectly happy experience where they receive complete validation for being an amazing grandparent. The stay will be pleasant otherwise but they will harbor some resentment that they weren't seen as amazing at all times.

Is this the dynamic that goes on with your kids? I often feel set up to provide an "experience" for my parents to have a loving time with the family as if they are going to Disney. They are seeking validation more than the desire to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you are gaslighting us. You sound emotionally stunted and entitled.

I have a crazy aunt who is a narcissist and intensely demanding and unlikable. She however is convinced that she is a delight, an absolute delight that everyone loves yet no one can stand to be with her. She would quickly tell you how I am a big meanie that got mad at her for simply wanting to make my daughter a birthday cake. How awful, a birthday cake! She will omit that had harassed our family for months after being told no multiple times. My kids do not want to do anything with her. She’s crazy! We tried polite no thank you responses and not inviting her and this only enraged her. We tried grey rock, this enraged her more. She started calling and texting the kids demanding they do something with her. She told them to tell their meanie parents to let her see them. She scared them. She demanded that my daughter spend her birthday with her..not her friends, not us but her. This was it , we blocked her on all devices and went no contact. To ths day, she rages about us cutting her off over a birthday cake.

You may not be that bad but you certainly try to paint a picture that you are a delight when you don’t come off that way so it sounds suspicious.

My advice is to let go of feeling entitled to their children. Be pleasant when you get together, spend quality and not quantity time with them. Stop getting mad that you aren’t invited as frequently as you want.

She is. Most certainly "grandma" is actually daughter or DIL. That one pp we have that loves to pretend she is the other party. Someone should ask about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The last time we visited one of them for their child’s first birthday, they gave us chores to do at their house. Pressure wash the outside, put together things. When they came home, they complained about the work

My parents used to ask how they could help and might suggest themselves that the outside of the house looks a little dirty with a little impatience as if implying some small condemnation. I might have remarked that we are short on cash to clean the outside but was planning on hiring someone before the winter but say that would be great if they are up for it. They agree to wash all four sides. Then they might do two sides and then I ask them why they decided not to do the other two sides and then they give me some reason like they couldn't get to it or it didn't need it and that comes out to them as complaining. I let it go and say well I'm not sure I'm going to get to the other sides till the fall and they remark that it would be better if done in the spring. Then they remark I'm ungrateful because it wasn't this perfectly happy experience where they receive complete validation for being an amazing grandparent. The stay will be pleasant otherwise but they will harbor some resentment that they weren't seen as amazing at all times.

Is this the dynamic that goes on with your kids? I often feel set up to provide an "experience" for my parents to have a loving time with the family as if they are going to Disney. They are seeking validation more than the desire to help.

Uh yea if your parents pressure wash two sides of your house the correct response is “thank you” not “when are you doing the rest.” JFC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope they ban you from seeing the grandkids, OP. Maybe that will beat some maturity and introspection into you

That didn't take long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The last time we visited one of them for their child’s first birthday, they gave us chores to do at their house. Pressure wash the outside, put together things. When they came home, they complained about the work

My parents used to ask how they could help and might suggest themselves that the outside of the house looks a little dirty with a little impatience as if implying some small condemnation. I might have remarked that we are short on cash to clean the outside but was planning on hiring someone before the winter but say that would be great if they are up for it. They agree to wash all four sides. Then they might do two sides and then I ask them why they decided not to do the other two sides and then they give me some reason like they couldn't get to it or it didn't need it and that comes out to them as complaining. I let it go and say well I'm not sure I'm going to get to the other sides till the fall and they remark that it would be better if done in the spring. Then they remark I'm ungrateful because it wasn't this perfectly happy experience where they receive complete validation for being an amazing grandparent. The stay will be pleasant otherwise but they will harbor some resentment that they weren't seen as amazing at all times.

Is this the dynamic that goes on with your kids? I often feel set up to provide an "experience" for my parents to have a loving time with the family as if they are going to Disney. They are seeking validation more than the desire to help.

Uh yea if your parents pressure wash two sides of your house the correct response is “thank you” not “when are you doing the rest.” JFC.

But...two sides of their house look different than the other two sides. It looks worse than if you didn't do it at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The last time we visited one of them for their child’s first birthday, they gave us chores to do at their house. Pressure wash the outside, put together things. When they came home, they complained about the work

My parents used to ask how they could help and might suggest themselves that the outside of the house looks a little dirty with a little impatience as if implying some small condemnation. I might have remarked that we are short on cash to clean the outside but was planning on hiring someone before the winter but say that would be great if they are up for it. They agree to wash all four sides. Then they might do two sides and then I ask them why they decided not to do the other two sides and then they give me some reason like they couldn't get to it or it didn't need it and that comes out to them as complaining. I let it go and say well I'm not sure I'm going to get to the other sides till the fall and they remark that it would be better if done in the spring. Then they remark I'm ungrateful because it wasn't this perfectly happy experience where they receive complete validation for being an amazing grandparent. The stay will be pleasant otherwise but they will harbor some resentment that they weren't seen as amazing at all times.

Is this the dynamic that goes on with your kids? I often feel set up to provide an "experience" for my parents to have a loving time with the family as if they are going to Disney. They are seeking validation more than the desire to help.

Uh yea if your parents pressure wash two sides of your house the correct response is “thank you” not “when are you doing the rest.” JFC.

But...two sides of their house look different than the other two sides. It looks worse than if you didn't do it at all.

Sorry hit submit too soon. This just happened to us with someone we hired. There was a dirty spot from some dripping under a vent on our white house. They pressure washed just under the vent and now there is a clean "stripe" down the middle of our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We raised 3 humans who are now millennials. They are the parents of our beautiful grandkids. They are fabulous parents.

But the treat us like crap! We are VERY respectful of their busy lives. We cherish the time they let us interact with the kids. We get to FaceTime but they NEVER invite us. The few times we have said that we want to see the kids we stay in a hotel, rent a car and leave after the kids are in bed. That’s when they have their personal time where they eat dinner.

We are made to feel like a burden. They criticize everything from our lifestyle to how we dress. They are rude, nasty and hurtful. They never ask how we are doing. We definitely bring value with our relationship with their children.

As far as saying, anything to them, we fear that they could cut us off from the grandkids. So…. We put up with this garbage.

It seems like if we disappeared tomorrow they would not be phased
They were not this way growing up.

What the heck happened!

reap what you sow

you raised them, soooooooooo .......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the grandkids? I know when our kids were tiny (and very close together in age, plus two full time jobs) we were incredibly worn out and not as attentive to extended family as usual (in terms of asking about their lives etc). We were just trying to keep our heads above water. However, we certainly weren’t critical etc.

Will they let you babysit? That could be a win-win.

I don’t know what to say about the rudeness/criticism- is this new or have they always been this way?! Can you provide a specific example of the things said?

A specific example would be we are noisy when we stir our coffee, my husband still works (high functioning) and our son calls him a moron. I don’t know how to hold a baby. The grandkids are still young. They are ages one, two, four and seven. The last time we visited one of them for their child’s first birthday, they gave us chores to do at their house. Pressure wash the outside, put together things. When they came home, they complained about the work.

One of our kids went to school on a full scholarship. He is hyper independent, and we are extremely proud of him and tell him all the time. Now he throws it back in our face. Really didn’t see this coming.

Honestly, we just want to see our grandkids

I think they were definitely spoiled, but I refuse to blame myself for their behavior.

huh ... interesting take. You think they are spoiled ... but refused to blame yourself (the parent) for that .... interested to hear whom you think you should blame ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like their parents did something wrong.

maybe they did. if they did, they were too nice and accommodating and didn't teach them to respect their parents. in any case, it's not really helpful at this point.

sometimes kids have great parents and just grow up to be dicks.

but to happen to have ALL THREE CHILDREN be coincidently dicks ... no, i am looking at learned behavior here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you are gaslighting us. You sound emotionally stunted and entitled.

I have a crazy aunt who is a narcissist and intensely demanding and unlikable. She however is convinced that she is a delight, an absolute delight that everyone loves yet no one can stand to be with her. She would quickly tell you how I am a big meanie that got mad at her for simply wanting to make my daughter a birthday cake. How awful, a birthday cake! She will omit that had harassed our family for months after being told no multiple times. My kids do not want to do anything with her. She’s crazy! We tried polite no thank you responses and not inviting her and this only enraged her. We tried grey rock, this enraged her more. She started calling and texting the kids demanding they do something with her. She told them to tell their meanie parents to let her see them. She scared them. She demanded that my daughter spend her birthday with her..not her friends, not us but her. This was it , we blocked her on all devices and went no contact. To ths day, she rages about us cutting her off over a birthday cake.

You may not be that bad but you certainly try to paint a picture that you are a delight when you don’t come off that way so it sounds suspicious.

My advice is to let go of feeling entitled to their children. Be pleasant when you get together, spend quality and not quantity time with them. Stop getting mad that you aren’t invited as frequently as you want.

“Feeling entitled to their children?!?” This is their grandchildren and of course they want a relationship with them.

yes they can WANT one, but they are not ENTITLED to one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like an entitlement problem. It’s hard to hear but you are not entitled to a relationship with your grandchildren. It’s a privilege not a right.

I’m a millennial parent of three and I don’t think this is correct. My children absolutely have a right to a relationship with both sets of grandparents. It is my job to protect my children, but taking my grievances with my parents out on the relationship between my kids and their grandparents is off if it doesn’t present a safety risk to my kids.

There is definitely a balance to be struck, but a parent should in good faith try to allow the conditions for a relationship to exist between extended family and their children. Parents shouldn’t act as gatekeepers where conflict between parents and grandparents impacts the children and grandparents.

As for OP, I assume there is more to the story but I’ve seen head scratching situations myself, including where an adult child simply cutoff adult parents without explanation. Without knowing everything, it’s hard to say.

generally agreed ... but to have ALL THREE adult children respond to OP this way (and OPs own responses here) leave me looking that them as the problem here

[Anonymous]

My experiences as a daughter and as a mom is that you get what you give. My parents were not great parents and I have a lot of issues with them, but I do try to be polite and respectful towards them if only to model that behavior for my own child and to make our visits more pleasant. I am stingy with visits though, because they can be real pills and stress me out a lot, and I have to give myself breaks between visits or the resentment will build up and I will really struggle to stay polite.

As a parent, I am trying to do better than my parents. I don't hit my kids, for starters. I think that's really awful behavior and I think the fact that my parents hit us has been really terrible for our mental health and for our relationship with them. I know they'd justify it by saying it was more normalized back then, but I know plenty of Boomers who didn't hit their kids. At the end of the day it's a choice.

I also talk to my kids respectfully, am interested in their lives, and apologize to them when I screw up. These are things my parents didn't do when I was a kid. They were very authoritarian and spoke to me with a lot of condescension or frequently sarcasm -- like I was dumb and they were smart and they resented having to explain things to me. They didn't seem interested in my life, my thoughts, my dreams for myself. And they never apologized. Not even when they were clearly in the wrong, like if they lost their temper over something that turned out to be a misunderstanding, even when it became clear they misunderstood, they wouldn't apologize, they'd just scold us for not clarifying things for them sooner.

I think the reason I have a really positive relationship with my kids but not a great one with my parents is a lot of this behavior. It's just hard to have a mutually respectful and warm relationship with people who used to hit you in anger, criticize you all the time, talk down to you, dismiss you, and were never accountable to you for any of their own behavior.

I do still try to be polite though. And I maintain a relationship with them. But I know often they feel I don't welcome them enough, or visit enough, or even that I am not respectful enough of their station in life. I do my best.

Perhaps some of this will be helpful for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Most adult children who have healthy relationships with their parents do not insult them and call them names. This is not a generational norm. I’d take a look at the specific family dynamic you’ve cultivated to understand why your children don’t like you.