Millennials who are mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like their parents did something wrong.

maybe they did. if they did, they were too nice and accommodating and didn't teach them to respect their parents. in any case, it's not really helpful at this point.

sometimes kids have great parents and just grow up to be dicks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We raised 3 humans who are now millennials. They are the parents of our beautiful grandkids. They are fabulous parents.

But the treat us like crap! We are VERY respectful of their busy lives. We cherish the time they let us interact with the kids. We get to FaceTime but they NEVER invite us. The few times we have said that we want to see the kids we stay in a hotel, rent a car and leave after the kids are in bed. That’s when they have their personal time where they eat dinner.

We are made to feel like a burden. They criticize everything from our lifestyle to how we dress. They are rude, nasty and hurtful. They never ask how we are doing. We definitely bring value with our relationship with their children.

As far as saying, anything to them, we fear that they could cut us off from the grandkids. So…. We put up with this garbage.

It seems like if we disappeared tomorrow they would not be phased
They were not this way growing up.

What the heck happened!

I'm not sure what happened, speaking as a Millennial and a parent. What do they specifically criticize about your lifestyle and the way you dress? What are some of the underlying issues that you can think of that cause tension, if any? Is it politics? Religious differences? Parenting philosophies?

If you were to say "Jason, Amanda, and Chris - Your dad and I would love to have a closer relationship with you and your families, but we feel that you haven't been comfortable with that. Is this accurate, and, if so, are there specific reasons for this?" what are some of the things you'd expect that they might tell you?

+1

There is clearly something more to this. OP, is there resentment from childhood? religious or political differences that have created issues? real or perceived disapproval of adult choices in spouse, lifestyle, career, parenting?

When did the relationships deteriorate? When they married? Had kids? Some other time? When was the last time the relationship was good? That could be the clue.

I feel there is something you aren’t disclosing, given you have the exact same complaints with all three of your kids. It doesn’t add up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the grandkids? I know when our kids were tiny (and very close together in age, plus two full time jobs) we were incredibly worn out and not as attentive to extended family as usual (in terms of asking about their lives etc). We were just trying to keep our heads above water. However, we certainly weren’t critical etc.

Will they let you babysit? That could be a win-win.

I don’t know what to say about the rudeness/criticism- is this new or have they always been this way?! Can you provide a specific example of the things said?

A specific example would be we are noisy when we stir our coffee, my husband still works (high functioning) and our son calls him a moron. I don’t know how to hold a baby. The grandkids are still young. They are ages one, two, four and seven. The last time we visited one of them for their child’s first birthday, they gave us chores to do at their house. Pressure wash the outside, put together things. When they came home, they complained about the work.

One of our kids went to school on a full scholarship. He is hyper independent, and we are extremely proud of him and tell him all the time. Now he throws it back in our face. Really didn’t see this coming.

Honestly, we just want to see our grandkids

I think they were definitely spoiled, but I refuse to blame myself for their behavior.

This is very confusing.

Your son called your husband a moron? He used that word? That is not acceptable and I wouldn't spend time with someone who spoke to me that way.

The thing about making noise when you stir your coffee sounds like half a story. Families do sometimes get annoyed with each other over weird little things, especially when visiting each other. Did one of your kids yell at you for stirring your coffee too loudly? What was the context?

What is the context of them being upset that you didn't know how to hold a baby? It is normal for new parents to be pretty cautious about who they hand the baby too and concerned about the baby being held properly. One reason they are like this is that they have just been lectured 47 times by every nurse at the hospital for the same thing. Also they are protective. So were they actually mad at you for not knowing how to hold the baby or did they just keep reminding you how to do it, or what? This is a whole thing, how to hold an infant. You can't take it too personally.

Also need more info on these chores for the birthday. Under what circumstances did you come for the birthday, whose idea was it to have a party, etc. Obviously assigning you to power wash their house sounds insane, as does yelling at you for doing it wrong. But your other comments make me think maybe that's not exactly how it went?

The thing about the scholarship and him "throwing it" in your face is interesting. In what context? Is he saying he didn't feel like you supported him, or that wanted/needed financial support at another time but didn't get it because of the scholarship? Trying to understand. I'm sure him getting that scholarship was very helpful to the family. I wonder if he feels resentful that other siblings received more financial support as a result. Not taking his side, just trying to understand. It's na interesting point.

Your last comment is, even you must admit, ridiculous. You believe they were spoiled but it wasn't you? I'll be honest, I don't think they sound spoiled -- all this stuff sounds like some combination of miscommunication, them being demanding in stressful circumstances (newborn, kid's first birthday, financial issues), and you being a little sensitive.

Unless they actually called you husband a moron. If they did that, I'd be pissed about it. But did they? Or did on of them just get exasperated with your husband about something else and maybe speak to him in a condescending way, and you thought to yourself "they are talking to him like he's a moron!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like their parents did something wrong.

maybe they did. if they did, they were too nice and accommodating and didn't teach them to respect their parents. in any case, it's not really helpful at this point.

sometimes kids have great parents and just grow up to be dicks.

I completely agree that great parents sometimes end up with kids who are jerks. Absolutely. Not uncommon. Many families end up with a “black sheep” here and there. The reverse happens as well (horrible parents but kid turns out wonderfully). But ALL 3 of their kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like their parents did something wrong.

maybe they did. if they did, they were too nice and accommodating and didn't teach them to respect their parents. in any case, it's not really helpful at this point.

sometimes kids have great parents and just grow up to be dicks.

I often see this point made on here but my personal observation is that it's not true. People who have good relationships with their kids when they are kids and teens tend to have good relationships with them as adults. I don't know anyone who just randomly turned out to be a jerk to their parents after their parents were very good to them. I have one friend who I thought was kind of entitled towards her parents but I found out last year they used to literally whip her with a belt. So now I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like their parents did something wrong.

maybe they did. if they did, they were too nice and accommodating and didn't teach them to respect their parents. in any case, it's not really helpful at this point.

sometimes kids have great parents and just grow up to be dicks.

I completely agree that great parents sometimes end up with kids who are jerks. Absolutely. Not uncommon. Many families end up with a “black sheep” here and there. The reverse happens as well (horrible parents but kid turns out wonderfully). But ALL 3 of their kids?

pp. Fair point.

Like you, I'm dying to know how this power washing thing happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like their parents did something wrong.

maybe they did. if they did, they were too nice and accommodating and didn't teach them to respect their parents. in any case, it's not really helpful at this point.

sometimes kids have great parents and just grow up to be dicks.

I often see this point made on here but my personal observation is that it's not true. People who have good relationships with their kids when they are kids and teens tend to have good relationships with them as adults. I don't know anyone who just randomly turned out to be a jerk to their parents after their parents were very good to them. I have one friend who I thought was kind of entitled towards her parents but I found out last year they used to literally whip her with a belt. So now I get it.

Most of us got spanked. I deserved far more of them than I got. That's not a justification.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the grandkids? I know when our kids were tiny (and very close together in age, plus two full time jobs) we were incredibly worn out and not as attentive to extended family as usual (in terms of asking about their lives etc). We were just trying to keep our heads above water. However, we certainly weren’t critical etc.

Will they let you babysit? That could be a win-win.

I don’t know what to say about the rudeness/criticism- is this new or have they always been this way?! Can you provide a specific example of the things said?

A specific example would be we are noisy when we stir our coffee, my husband still works (high functioning) and our son calls him a moron. I don’t know how to hold a baby. The grandkids are still young. They are ages one, two, four and seven. The last time we visited one of them for their child’s first birthday, they gave us chores to do at their house. Pressure wash the outside, put together things. When they came home, they complained about the work.

One of our kids went to school on a full scholarship. He is hyper independent, and we are extremely proud of him and tell him all the time. Now he throws it back in our face. Really didn’t see this coming.

Honestly, we just want to see our grandkids

I think they were definitely spoiled, but I refuse to blame myself for their behavior.

What do you mean when you say DH is "high functioning"?

The criticism about stirring your coffee is crazy. So is requesting you to power wash the house.

What is your ethnicity, if you don't mind me asking?

We are white middle class people. By high functioning I mean he is a contractor at the top of his game earning the most he has ever made in his career.

Here is something that I find interesting.
One of our friends is between the ages of our kids and us, and he observed that he felt angry and sad when he saw his parents aging. It seems like an odd thing to say, but it makes sense to me. Of course we show physical signs of aging and they don’t like to see it. They are consumed with the pressure of career and family and they take it out on us. And it’s not to say that they want anything from us. It’s just an odd dynamic that I think may have some merit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like their parents did something wrong.

maybe they did. if they did, they were too nice and accommodating and didn't teach them to respect their parents. in any case, it's not really helpful at this point.

sometimes kids have great parents and just grow up to be dicks.

I often see this point made on here but my personal observation is that it's not true. People who have good relationships with their kids when they are kids and teens tend to have good relationships with them as adults. I don't know anyone who just randomly turned out to be a jerk to their parents after their parents were very good to them. I have one friend who I thought was kind of entitled towards her parents but I found out last year they used to literally whip her with a belt. So now I get it.

Most of us got spanked. I deserved far more of them than I got. That's not a justification.

No child deserves to be hit. Ever.

If you hit your kids, don't be surprised later if you have a bad or dysfunctional relationship, if they seem insufficiently grateful, or if they don't trust you around their own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the grandkids? I know when our kids were tiny (and very close together in age, plus two full time jobs) we were incredibly worn out and not as attentive to extended family as usual (in terms of asking about their lives etc). We were just trying to keep our heads above water. However, we certainly weren’t critical etc.

Will they let you babysit? That could be a win-win.

I don’t know what to say about the rudeness/criticism- is this new or have they always been this way?! Can you provide a specific example of the things said?

A specific example would be we are noisy when we stir our coffee, my husband still works (high functioning) and our son calls him a moron. I don’t know how to hold a baby. The grandkids are still young. They are ages one, two, four and seven. The last time we visited one of them for their child’s first birthday, they gave us chores to do at their house. Pressure wash the outside, put together things. When they came home, they complained about the work.

One of our kids went to school on a full scholarship. He is hyper independent, and we are extremely proud of him and tell him all the time. Now he throws it back in our face. Really didn’t see this coming.

Honestly, we just want to see our grandkids

I think they were definitely spoiled, but I refuse to blame myself for their behavior.

What do you mean when you say DH is "high functioning"?

The criticism about stirring your coffee is crazy. So is requesting you to power wash the house.

What is your ethnicity, if you don't mind me asking?

We are white middle class people. By high functioning I mean he is a contractor at the top of his game earning the most he has ever made in his career.

Here is something that I find interesting.
One of our friends is between the ages of our kids and us, and he observed that he felt angry and sad when he saw his parents aging. It seems like an odd thing to say, but it makes sense to me. Of course we show physical signs of aging and they don’t like to see it. They are consumed with the pressure of career and family and they take it out on us. And it’s not to say that they want anything from us. It’s just an odd dynamic that I think may have some merit.

OK. You've got a bunch of other questions to answer on here, if you hope to gain any insights from this group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the grandkids? I know when our kids were tiny (and very close together in age, plus two full time jobs) we were incredibly worn out and not as attentive to extended family as usual (in terms of asking about their lives etc). We were just trying to keep our heads above water. However, we certainly weren’t critical etc.

Will they let you babysit? That could be a win-win.

I don’t know what to say about the rudeness/criticism- is this new or have they always been this way?! Can you provide a specific example of the things said?

A specific example would be we are noisy when we stir our coffee, my husband still works (high functioning) and our son calls him a moron. I don’t know how to hold a baby. The grandkids are still young. They are ages one, two, four and seven. The last time we visited one of them for their child’s first birthday, they gave us chores to do at their house. Pressure wash the outside, put together things. When they came home, they complained about the work.

One of our kids went to school on a full scholarship. He is hyper independent, and we are extremely proud of him and tell him all the time. Now he throws it back in our face. Really didn’t see this coming.

Honestly, we just want to see our grandkids

I think they were definitely spoiled, but I refuse to blame myself for their behavior.

What do you mean when you say DH is "high functioning"?

The criticism about stirring your coffee is crazy. So is requesting you to power wash the house.

What is your ethnicity, if you don't mind me asking?

We are white middle class people. By high functioning I mean he is a contractor at the top of his game earning the most he has ever made in his career.

Here is something that I find interesting.
One of our friends is between the ages of our kids and us, and he observed that he felt angry and sad when he saw his parents aging. It seems like an odd thing to say, but it makes sense to me. Of course we show physical signs of aging and they don’t like to see it. They are consumed with the pressure of career and family and they take it out on us. And it’s not to say that they want anything from us. It’s just an odd dynamic that I think may have some merit.

And to be clear, your son said "Dad, you are a moron." Out of the blue? What is the context? That makes no sense.

Did your husband say something racist, intolerant, or sexist, and THEN your son called him a moron? The name calling is still childish but then we start to see a clearer picture of what is going on.

If your son called your husband a moron totally unprovoked, I would simply not spend time with that son. That's very rude. But I sense by the way you are writing your posts that this is more complex than that.

[Anonymous]

This generation is EXTREMELY self absorbed, touchy and entitled, very little thing is a micoaggression or a T/trauma, everyone but them is a narcissist. They are like adolescents all the time with no tolerance for anyone but themselves, cross them and you are cut off. It’s therapy culture taken to a wacko extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This generation is EXTREMELY self absorbed, touchy and entitled, very little thing is a micoaggression or a T/trauma, everyone but them is a narcissist. They are like adolescents all the time with no tolerance for anyone but themselves, cross them and you are cut off. It’s therapy culture taken to a wacko extreme.

Welp, case closed then. Just cut 'em off.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you are gaslighting us. You sound emotionally stunted and entitled.

I have a crazy aunt who is a narcissist and intensely demanding and unlikable. She however is convinced that she is a delight, an absolute delight that everyone loves yet no one can stand to be with her. She would quickly tell you how I am a big meanie that got mad at her for simply wanting to make my daughter a birthday cake. How awful, a birthday cake! She will omit that had harassed our family for months after being told no multiple times. My kids do not want to do anything with her. She’s crazy! We tried polite no thank you responses and not inviting her and this only enraged her. We tried grey rock, this enraged her more. She started calling and texting the kids demanding they do something with her. She told them to tell their meanie parents to let her see them. She scared them. She demanded that my daughter spend her birthday with her..not her friends, not us but her. This was it , we blocked her on all devices and went no contact. To ths day, she rages about us cutting her off over a birthday cake.

You may not be that bad but you certainly try to paint a picture that you are a delight when you don’t come off that way so it sounds suspicious.

My advice is to let go of feeling entitled to their children. Be pleasant when you get together, spend quality and not quantity time with them. Stop getting mad that you aren’t invited as frequently as you want.

[Anonymous]

If all 3 of the children you raised are keeping you at arms length, that’s a you problem, not a generational problem. Come on, look for the common denominator.