Millennials who are mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you are gaslighting us. You sound emotionally stunted and entitled.

I have a crazy aunt who is a narcissist and intensely demanding and unlikable. She however is convinced that she is a delight, an absolute delight that everyone loves yet no one can stand to be with her. She would quickly tell you how I am a big meanie that got mad at her for simply wanting to make my daughter a birthday cake. How awful, a birthday cake! She will omit that had harassed our family for months after being told no multiple times. My kids do not want to do anything with her. She’s crazy! We tried polite no thank you responses and not inviting her and this only enraged her. We tried grey rock, this enraged her more. She started calling and texting the kids demanding they do something with her. She told them to tell their meanie parents to let her see them. She scared them. She demanded that my daughter spend her birthday with her..not her friends, not us but her. This was it , we blocked her on all devices and went no contact. To ths day, she rages about us cutting her off over a birthday cake.

You may not be that bad but you certainly try to paint a picture that you are a delight when you don’t come off that way so it sounds suspicious.

My advice is to let go of feeling entitled to their children. Be pleasant when you get together, spend quality and not quantity time with them. Stop getting mad that you aren’t invited as frequently as you want.

“Feeling entitled to their children?!?” This is their grandchildren and of course they want a relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

We’re definitely missing their side of the story.

My dealings with millennials is probably just with my SIL who is very much like you describe, and I avoid her like the plague. She thinks she is more educated and knows better than everyone else except who she’s trying to get something from. She is the only birth child from vain parents (yes, my in laws) who spoiled her and made her feel she was the greatest thing that walked the earth. She has 2 half brothers, one who i married. The parents did not dote on him at all and he came out with the best personality of the group. And so the parents created this Frankenstein’s monster. She’s nasty to her mom and relishes being daddy’s girl.

So many dreadful people were spoiled when they kids. Maybe it’s that too many millennials were spoiled?

Anyways I have no idea what’s going on in your situation, OP—just sharing this as a possibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Idk man you raised them. If they’re ungrateful you should have raised them to have more gratitude.

+1
Take some responsibility. You reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like their parents did something wrong.

maybe they did. if they did, they were too nice and accommodating and didn't teach them to respect their parents. in any case, it's not really helpful at this point.

sometimes kids have great parents and just grow up to be dicks.

Not sure this is true. My parents were emotionally neglectful a day llayed favorites, then they wondered why I didn't want to spend all the holidays with them when. I had the first grandkids. Seriously, they were this clueless. After my mom complained A LOT I clued her in. She now sees what I see. I think parents sometimes don't see the hurt they cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the grandkids? I know when our kids were tiny (and very close together in age, plus two full time jobs) we were incredibly worn out and not as attentive to extended family as usual (in terms of asking about their lives etc). We were just trying to keep our heads above water. However, we certainly weren’t critical etc.

Will they let you babysit? That could be a win-win.

I don’t know what to say about the rudeness/criticism- is this new or have they always been this way?! Can you provide a specific example of the things said?

A specific example would be we are noisy when we stir our coffee, my husband still works (high functioning) and our son calls him a moron. I don’t know how to hold a baby. The grandkids are still young. They are ages one, two, four and seven. The last time we visited one of them for their child’s first birthday, they gave us chores to do at their house. Pressure wash the outside, put together things. When they came home, they complained about the work.

One of our kids went to school on a full scholarship. He is hyper independent, and we are extremely proud of him and tell him all the time. Now he throws it back in our face. Really didn’t see this coming.

Honestly, we just want to see our grandkids

I think they were definitely spoiled, but I refuse to blame myself for their behavior.

What do you mean when you say DH is "high functioning"?

The criticism about stirring your coffee is crazy. So is requesting you to power wash the house.

What is your ethnicity, if you don't mind me asking?

We are white middle class people. By high functioning I mean he is a contractor at the top of his game earning the most he has ever made in his career.

Here is something that I find interesting.
One of our friends is between the ages of our kids and us, and he observed that he felt angry and sad when he saw his parents aging. It seems like an odd thing to say, but it makes sense to me. Of course we show physical signs of aging and they don’t like to see it. They are consumed with the pressure of career and family and they take it out on us. And it’s not to say that they want anything from us. It’s just an odd dynamic that I think may have some merit.

These two points stuck out to me. I think you’re on to something here - maybe they text to fear and stress with anger?

[Anonymous]

^whoops, “react” not text

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the grandkids? I know when our kids were tiny (and very close together in age, plus two full time jobs) we were incredibly worn out and not as attentive to extended family as usual (in terms of asking about their lives etc). We were just trying to keep our heads above water. However, we certainly weren’t critical etc.

Will they let you babysit? That could be a win-win.

I don’t know what to say about the rudeness/criticism- is this new or have they always been this way?! Can you provide a specific example of the things said?

A specific example would be we are noisy when we stir our coffee, my husband still works (high functioning) and our son calls him a moron. I don’t know how to hold a baby. The grandkids are still young. They are ages one, two, four and seven. The last time we visited one of them for their child’s first birthday, they gave us chores to do at their house. Pressure wash the outside, put together things. When they came home, they complained about the work.

One of our kids went to school on a full scholarship. He is hyper independent, and we are extremely proud of him and tell him all the time. Now he throws it back in our face. Really didn’t see this coming.

Honestly, we just want to see our grandkids

I think they were definitely spoiled, but I refuse to blame myself for their behavior.

This is very confusing.

Your son called your husband a moron? He used that word? That is not acceptable and I wouldn't spend time with someone who spoke to me that way.

The thing about making noise when you stir your coffee sounds like half a story. Families do sometimes get annoyed with each other over weird little things, especially when visiting each other. Did one of your kids yell at you for stirring your coffee too loudly? What was the context?

What is the context of them being upset that you didn't know how to hold a baby? It is normal for new parents to be pretty cautious about who they hand the baby too and concerned about the baby being held properly. One reason they are like this is that they have just been lectured 47 times by every nurse at the hospital for the same thing. Also they are protective. So were they actually mad at you for not knowing how to hold the baby or did they just keep reminding you how to do it, or what? This is a whole thing, how to hold an infant. You can't take it too personally.

Also need more info on these chores for the birthday. Under what circumstances did you come for the birthday, whose idea was it to have a party, etc. Obviously assigning you to power wash their house sounds insane, as does yelling at you for doing it wrong. But your other comments make me think maybe that's not exactly how it went?

The thing about the scholarship and him "throwing it" in your face is interesting. In what context? Is he saying he didn't feel like you supported him, or that wanted/needed financial support at another time but didn't get it because of the scholarship? Trying to understand. I'm sure him getting that scholarship was very helpful to the family. I wonder if he feels resentful that other siblings received more financial support as a result. Not taking his side, just trying to understand. It's na interesting point.

Your last comment is, even you must admit, ridiculous. You believe they were spoiled but it wasn't you? I'll be honest, I don't think they sound spoiled -- all this stuff sounds like some combination of miscommunication, them being demanding in stressful circumstances (newborn, kid's first birthday, financial issues), and you being a little sensitive.

Unless they actually called you husband a moron. If they did that, I'd be pissed about it. But did they? Or did on of them just get exasperated with y IIIour husband about something else and maybe speak to him in a condescending way, and you thought to yourself "they are talking to him like he's a moron!"

These are all good things to consider, op

[Anonymous]

Pick the nicest one out of all of them, move close by, and get involved in their day to day lives (childcare, etc.) That will reduce their stress and improve their relationship with you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t a millennial thing.

It is, mostly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you are gaslighting us. You sound emotionally stunted and entitled.

I have a crazy aunt who is a narcissist and intensely demanding and unlikable. She however is convinced that she is a delight, an absolute delight that everyone loves yet no one can stand to be with her. She would quickly tell you how I am a big meanie that got mad at her for simply wanting to make my daughter a birthday cake. How awful, a birthday cake! She will omit that had harassed our family for months after being told no multiple times. My kids do not want to do anything with her. She’s crazy! We tried polite no thank you responses and not inviting her and this only enraged her. We tried grey rock, this enraged her more. She started calling and texting the kids demanding they do something with her. She told them to tell their meanie parents to let her see them. She scared them. She demanded that my daughter spend her birthday with her..not her friends, not us but her. This was it , we blocked her on all devices and went no contact. To ths day, she rages about us cutting her off over a birthday cake.

You may not be that bad but you certainly try to paint a picture that you are a delight when you don’t come off that way so it sounds suspicious.

My advice is to let go of feeling entitled to their children. Be pleasant when you get together, spend quality and not quantity time with them. Stop getting mad that you aren’t invited as frequently as you want.

NP. Oh FFS, will you narcissistic adult children ever stop yapping about how it's always the parents' fault, OP must be hiding something so you speculate about what it could be, and hey, let me center myself with my own stories.

You're not even helping yourself come to grips with your own narcissism. Let alone helping OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like their parents did something wrong.

maybe they did. if they did, they were too nice and accommodating and didn't teach them to respect their parents. in any case, it's not really helpful at this point.

sometimes kids have great parents and just grow up to be dicks.

Not sure this is true. My parents were emotionally neglectful a day llayed favorites, then they wondered why I didn't want to spend all the holidays with them when. I had the first grandkids. Seriously, they were this clueless. After my mom complained A LOT I clued her in. She now sees what I see. I think parents sometimes don't see the hurt they cause.

DP. Yes, of course, it's ALWAYS the parents' fault. As proven by you sharing your personal history, which we can totally trust.

[Anonymous]

Well, the truth is probably in between, OP.

You must come across as irritating and clueless and they think a lot of themselves and act superior. So obviously it's not going well.

Here's what you do. You distance yourself a bit, and wait for life to beat them down. Because it will. Young parents think they know everything, and can't bear to see their parents slow down because they take it as a personal insult.

You have to enforce boundaries. "I didn't come to do your chores for you, last time I did that you criticized me. I came to babysit while you go enjoy yourselves. Have a nice dinner out!". "Did you just call your father a moron? That's rude. I'll kiss the kids goodbye and then we'll go." A few times of that, and they'll remember you aren't their slaves.

In 10 years they'll have calmed down and they'll be singing a different tune

[Anonymous]

This sounds like an entitlement problem. It’s hard to hear but you are not entitled to a relationship with your grandchildren. It’s a privilege not a right.

You can’t invite yourself. You have to let go of expectations that you will get as much time as you want. If you are being made to feel like you are a burden, then you are being a burden.

Back off, enjoy FaceTime and live your own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like an entitlement problem. It’s hard to hear but you are not entitled to a relationship with your grandchildren. It’s a privilege not a right.

I’m a millennial parent of three and I don’t think this is correct. My children absolutely have a right to a relationship with both sets of grandparents. It is my job to protect my children, but taking my grievances with my parents out on the relationship between my kids and their grandparents is off if it doesn’t present a safety risk to my kids.

There is definitely a balance to be struck, but a parent should in good faith try to allow the conditions for a relationship to exist between extended family and their children. Parents shouldn’t act as gatekeepers where conflict between parents and grandparents impacts the children and grandparents.

As for OP, I assume there is more to the story but I’ve seen head scratching situations myself, including where an adult child simply cutoff adult parents without explanation. Without knowing everything, it’s hard to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like their parents did something wrong.

maybe they did. if they did, they were too nice and accommodating and didn't teach them to respect their parents. in any case, it's not really helpful at this point.

sometimes kids have great parents and just grow up to be dicks.

I often see this point made on here but my personal observation is that it's not true. People who have good relationships with their kids when they are kids and teens tend to have good relationships with them as adults. I don't know anyone who just randomly turned out to be a jerk to their parents after their parents were very good to them. I have one friend who I thought was kind of entitled towards her parents but I found out last year they used to literally whip her with a belt. So now I get it.

Most of us got spanked. I deserved far more of them than I got. That's not a justification.

So if an AC was spanked with a belt throughout their childhood, they aren’t justified in being cold and irritated to the parent when they are in adulthood?

I really have no advice for OP because I have no idea what is really going on. But the idea that a parent can abuse their child (and consistent spanking with a belt is abuse), but in adulthood the child is required to be gracious and accommodating and polite is messed up. My dad made some big mistakes when I was younger and I have let them go and we have a strong relationship, but he certainly wasn’t abusive. Maybe I am just an entitled millennial though.