Millennials who are mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of us can know what is really going on here, but personally if my children were disrespectful to me, rude and called my husband a moron, I would disengage. Sadly that would mean I also disengage with the grandkids. But I simply wouldn’t put up with it. You can’t change your kids but you can change how you react to them.

I agree with you, though I suspect OP is not being fully truthful about this because I asked her earlier to clarify that that her son just called her husband a "moron" and if there is any context that would at least explain it, and she didn't respond. My guess is that her son either didn't actually say moron but instead was, she feels, condescending, OR that her husband did or said something really awful (like used a racist epithet or spanked one of their kids or some other behavior that a Boomer might engage in, thinking it's fine, and a Millennial might find totally horrifying).

Everything OP has posted sounds like about 10% of a story she does not want to elaborate on because doing so would cause people to say "well can you see how you are contributing to this dynamic yourself?" She doesn't want to take responsibility for any of it (she literally said "I think they are all spoiled but I refuse to be held accountable for it" -- she's their mom) so she's spinning it to make it sound like they are just horrid and she's innocent. I guarantee this is not the case.

I once read a deep dive into online forums for adult kids who had gone no-contact with their parents, compared to online forums for parents who had been cut off from their adult kids. It was really interesting, but one of the take aways was that the kids cutting off their parents would be able to describe incidents in detail and explain who said what and when, and also explain exactly why this was a problem for them or led them to stop speaking to their parents. They were also more likely to admit that they had made mistakes in how they engaged with their parents, or express regret over things they said or did. But the cut-off parents would often be extremely vague, refuse to answer even supportive questions about precipitating events, and would never admit that anything they did could be considered problematic or wrong in any way.

This thread has that vibe.

I wonder if the parents being "blind" to their shortcomings is based on the parenting approach of respect (for the parent) being the end all be all of child/parent relationships. Parent can say/do whatever he/she wants and kid should put up with it because parents should always be respected. Parents don't see they could be handling situations incorrectly or poorly because being the parent trumps all.

My mother used to say, "you don't have to love but you have to respect.". Guess what, we have a terrible relationship and I don't do either of those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of us can know what is really going on here, but personally if my children were disrespectful to me, rude and called my husband a moron, I would disengage. Sadly that would mean I also disengage with the grandkids. But I simply wouldn’t put up with it. You can’t change your kids but you can change how you react to them.

I agree with you, though I suspect OP is not being fully truthful about this because I asked her earlier to clarify that that her son just called her husband a "moron" and if there is any context that would at least explain it, and she didn't respond. My guess is that her son either didn't actually say moron but instead was, she feels, condescending, OR that her husband did or said something really awful (like used a racist epithet or spanked one of their kids or some other behavior that a Boomer might engage in, thinking it's fine, and a Millennial might find totally horrifying).

Everything OP has posted sounds like about 10% of a story she does not want to elaborate on because doing so would cause people to say "well can you see how you are contributing to this dynamic yourself?" She doesn't want to take responsibility for any of it (she literally said "I think they are all spoiled but I refuse to be held accountable for it" -- she's their mom) so she's spinning it to make it sound like they are just horrid and she's innocent. I guarantee this is not the case.

I once read a deep dive into online forums for adult kids who had gone no-contact with their parents, compared to online forums for parents who had been cut off from their adult kids. It was really interesting, but one of the take aways was that the kids cutting off their parents would be able to describe incidents in detail and explain who said what and when, and also explain exactly why this was a problem for them or led them to stop speaking to their parents. They were also more likely to admit that they had made mistakes in how they engaged with their parents, or express regret over things they said or did. But the cut-off parents would often be extremely vague, refuse to answer even supportive questions about precipitating events, and would never admit that anything they did could be considered problematic or wrong in any way.

This thread has that vibe.

I wonder if the parents being "blind" to their shortcomings is based on the parenting approach of respect (for the parent) being the end all be all of child/parent relationships. Parent can say/do whatever he/she wants and kid should put up with it because parents should always be respected. Parents don't see they could be handling situations incorrectly or poorly because being the parent trumps all.

My mother used to say, "you don't have to love but you have to respect.". Guess what, we have a terrible relationship and I don't do either of those things.

That’s so sad. My MIL’s immediate reaction to everything is defensiveness and she can be really mean and difficult to be around. But she has admitted she made some mistakes and there is no question about how much she loves her kids. For the most part she really respects who they are even though they don’t do a lot of things she wishes they would do. She has nine kids and despite some tension sometimes the vast majority of their interactions—which are frequent—are good.

I think just a little humility goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

OP here. These are great responses. Yes, we are boomers. We come from a place where you “always respect your elders”.
We did all the things our millennial kids are doing. The burdens on our generation were different. In my situation we got zero, absolutely no support of any kind. When we had children our parents did not acknowledge them. We made every effort to enable our kids to have a relationship with grandparents. So, we did what most parents do. We gave our kids everything we did not have. That includes respecting their phase of life while giving their kids grandparents. Are we a PIA? Probably. But we love them all deeply while we, again, respect their stage in life.
They are adults. When will they learn to respect our stage in life?
In the end, we are all doing the best we can. But “kids today” (don’t go getting your knickers in a knot because that’s what you act like) need to step up.
In the meantime I will look for signs of maturity and hold on to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. These are great responses. Yes, we are boomers. We come from a place where you “always respect your elders”.
We did all the things our millennial kids are doing. The burdens on our generation were different. In my situation we got zero, absolutely no support of any kind. When we had children our parents did not acknowledge them. We made every effort to enable our kids to have a relationship with grandparents. So, we did what most parents do. We gave our kids everything we did not have. That includes respecting their phase of life while giving their kids grandparents. Are we a PIA? Probably. But we love them all deeply while we, again, respect their stage in life.
They are adults. When will they learn to respect our stage in life?
In the end, we are all doing the best we can. But “kids today” (don’t go getting your knickers in a knot because that’s what you act like) need to step up.
In the meantime I will look for signs of maturity and hold on to them.

What do you mean about respecting your stage in life? It seems like the problem is their rude comments and I don’t see how that has anything to do with your stage in life, right?

[Anonymous]

Obviously rude comments are never appropriate.
Respecting your aging parents looks exactly like what they did for you when you were a child. Is that hard to understand?

[Anonymous]

NP. I'm really confused by this thread.

OP has 3 disrespectful ACs, and she comes on here to blast millennials.

Maybe, just maybe, consider the possibility of over spoiling your kids or otherwise doing a poor parenting job instead of blasting a whole generation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously rude comments are never appropriate.
Respecting your aging parents looks exactly like what they did for you when you were a child. Is that hard to understand?

I guess so. I don’t know what is different about respecting an older person then respecting any other person.

[Anonymous]

ugh. Boomers are so annoying. This thread being a perfect example of their whining

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ugh. Boomers are so annoying. This thread being a perfect example of their whining

Right, but being called a moron and all three kids being standoffish is indicative of something deeper. Usually one kid will be distant, but that all three are behaving that way? And calling dad a moron is a level of contempt beyond boomer/millennial friction.

OP comes off as condescending in this thread and perhaps was overbearing. Or maybe OP and her husband used words like moron when their kids were young and now that behavior has come home to roost.

OP also demonstrates a level of alienation from her own parents (the great grandparents) and frustration that she never received help from them. If she modeled entitlement to parental help for her own kids that boomerang has come home.

My last question to OP: do you by chance have three sons and three daughters-in-law?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This generation is EXTREMELY self absorbed, touchy and entitled, very little thing is a micoaggression or a T/trauma, everyone but them is a narcissist. They are like adolescents all the time with no tolerance for anyone but themselves, cross them and you are cut off. It’s therapy culture taken to a wacko extreme.

Nope. This generation understands more about dysfunction and abuse and stands against it.

[Anonymous]

You raised them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This generation is EXTREMELY self absorbed, touchy and entitled, very little thing is a micoaggression or a T/trauma, everyone but them is a narcissist. They are like adolescents all the time with no tolerance for anyone but themselves, cross them and you are cut off. It’s therapy culture taken to a wacko extreme.

Nope. This generation understands more about dysfunction and abuse and stands against it.

+1. My guess is OP thinks she is still in charge and treats her adult children like how she did when they were younger. She likely never respected her kids or valued them as individuals. They couldn’t voice their opinion as a child out of fear. Now they are independent and don’t have to play by the house rules. OP is seeing who her adult kids are and this behavior was previously stifled because of fear. Deep down these kids resent their mother and aren’t close. They were likely criticized a lot as children and now the tables are turning.

My own mother didn’t treat me well. She was unloving and very critical of me. I get the sense she disliked me as a person. She definitely didn’t respect me or understand it’s okay if I’m not like her. Now she seems confused as to why I’m not that kind to her. I am not mean to her, but I also don’t really respect her. It’s very hard to ignore decades of someone treating you poorly.

[Anonymous]

Well, what do you expect you boomer parent?
You were selfish raising them and now payback is what it is.
My Gen Z young adults are respectful, love spending time with DH and I and send me texts that they love me and will be lost without me, and we must always be near each other. You get what you deserve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We raised 3 humans who are now millennials. They are the parents of our beautiful grandkids. They are fabulous parents.

But the treat us like crap! We are VERY respectful of their busy lives. We cherish the time they let us interact with the kids. We get to FaceTime but they NEVER invite us. The few times we have said that we want to see the kids we stay in a hotel, rent a car and leave after the kids are in bed. That’s when they have their personal time where they eat dinner.

We are made to feel like a burden. They criticize everything from our lifestyle to how we dress. They are rude, nasty and hurtful. They never ask how we are doing. We definitely bring value with our relationship with their children.

As far as saying, anything to them, we fear that they could cut us off from the grandkids. So…. We put up with this garbage.

It seems like if we disappeared tomorrow they would not be phased
They were not this way growing up.

What the heck happened!

Another boomer parent who has no clue that all we ever hear from them is me, me, me, I want attention, I, I, I... Do you ASK how they are doing? How could you help them? You are right, if you disappeared tomorrow, troll boomer, they would be better off.

[Anonymous]

I hope they ban you from seeing the grandkids, OP. Maybe that will beat some maturity and introspection into you