I dropped the hosting rope and now ILs think I’m ‘mad’ at them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were given the opportunity to explain why you are mad at them — and you ARE mad at them — and you obfuscated and were glib. This isn’t the win you seem to think it is.

Can someone please explain to me how telling the truth that one doesn’t want to host is somehow being “mad” at anyone?

Ask me if I want to fold the laundry. I’ll tell you no. Am I mad at you?

It wasn’t a case of simply not wanting to do it. It was a case of pent up grievances. You were intending to send a message about your dissatisfaction and when it got the attention you wanted, you didn’t articulate your frustrations. Yes, I think you were absolutely mad at them and continue to be. Instead you were passive-aggressive.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

ok way to miss the point but good for you

No I'm not missing the point. I'm just saying on this one issue I would have just booked a reservation b/c I'm not going to choke down gross food to make a point. That is shooting yourself in the foot. Things that impact the ILs like made beds, coffee, chit chat, cleaning, prepping, etc are fair game. But the food is something that impacts me, so I would handle that separately.

NP. I guess some of us figure there are 365 days a year, so if dinner isn’t great on one of those days, there are other days to have a good dinner. And then there’s you, twisting yourself into bitter knots over a rotisserie chicken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were given the opportunity to explain why you are mad at them — and you ARE mad at them — and you obfuscated and were glib. This isn’t the win you seem to think it is.

Can someone please explain to me how telling the truth that one doesn’t want to host is somehow being “mad” at anyone?

Ask me if I want to fold the laundry. I’ll tell you no. Am I mad at you?

It wasn’t a case of simply not wanting to do it. It was a case of pent up grievances. You were intending to send a message about your dissatisfaction and when it got the attention you wanted, you didn’t articulate your frustrations. Yes, I think you were absolutely mad at them and continue to be. Instead you were passive-aggressive.

I’m not the OP, but OK? I have a lot of grievances and frustrations?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

ok way to miss the point but good for you

No I'm not missing the point. I'm just saying on this one issue I would have just booked a reservation b/c I'm not going to choke down gross food to make a point. That is shooting yourself in the foot. Things that impact the ILs like made beds, coffee, chit chat, cleaning, prepping, etc are fair game. But the food is something that impacts me, so I would handle that separately.

NP. I guess some of us figure there are 365 days a year, so if dinner isn’t great on one of those days, there are other days to have a good dinner. And then there’s you, twisting yourself into bitter knots over a rotisserie chicken.

No, there's me just making a reservation. Then there's you getting bent out of shape that I would have done something different that took almost no effort than you. Maybe just move on and accept that people are different. There's no right answer here and OP isn't sitting there smug and satisfied with herself either with her "can't win for losing" attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were given the opportunity to explain why you are mad at them — and you ARE mad at them — and you obfuscated and were glib. This isn’t the win you seem to think it is.

Can someone please explain to me how telling the truth that one doesn’t want to host is somehow being “mad” at anyone?

Ask me if I want to fold the laundry. I’ll tell you no. Am I mad at you?

It wasn’t a case of simply not wanting to do it. It was a case of pent up grievances. You were intending to send a message about your dissatisfaction and when it got the attention you wanted, you didn’t articulate your frustrations. Yes, I think you were absolutely mad at them and continue to be. Instead you were passive-aggressive.

Telling DH “I don’t want to do it”, not doing it, then when questioned by in laws telling them “I didn’t want to do it” is in no way shape or form passive aggressive. It is direct.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

ok way to miss the point but good for you

No I'm not missing the point. I'm just saying on this one issue I would have just booked a reservation b/c I'm not going to choke down gross food to make a point. That is shooting yourself in the foot. Things that impact the ILs like made beds, coffee, chit chat, cleaning, prepping, etc are fair game. But the food is something that impacts me, so I would handle that separately.

NP. I guess some of us figure there are 365 days a year, so if dinner isn’t great on one of those days, there are other days to have a good dinner. And then there’s you, twisting yourself into bitter knots over a rotisserie chicken.

No, there's me just making a reservation. Then there's you getting bent out of shape that I would have done something different that took almost no effort than you. Maybe just move on and accept that people are different. There's no right answer here and OP isn't sitting there smug and satisfied with herself either with her "can't win for losing" attitude.

I didn’t realize dinner at a place that requires a reservation was free. If I were OP, I wouldn’t want to buy dinner for ILs who can’t even make their own coffee, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

In "dropping the rope" you just replicated your DH's sh*tty behavior.

He didn't help and it felt crappy to you. Now you didn't help and it feels crappy to him and his family.

Shocker.

OP wasn't helping. She was doing everything. OP you should let MIL know you loved having her but her adult son agreed in advance to take care of things then didn't. Ignore the PP. That attitude is how it's always the woman to blame. You did not replicate DH's behavior. He was aware well in advance of the visit.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were given the opportunity to explain why you are mad at them — and you ARE mad at them — and you obfuscated and were glib. This isn’t the win you seem to think it is.

Can someone please explain to me how telling the truth that one doesn’t want to host is somehow being “mad” at anyone?

Ask me if I want to fold the laundry. I’ll tell you no. Am I mad at you?

It wasn’t a case of simply not wanting to do it. It was a case of pent up grievances. You were intending to send a message about your dissatisfaction and when it got the attention you wanted, you didn’t articulate your frustrations. Yes, I think you were absolutely mad at them and continue to be. Instead you were passive-aggressive.

Telling DH “I don’t want to do it”, not doing it, then when questioned by in laws telling them “I didn’t want to do it” is in no way shape or form passive aggressive. It is direct.

Exactly! Passive aggressive would have been one of these dumb DCUM scripts. “Oh Nancy, I just adore you but am so exhausted; I asked Kevin to host for once, but he just doesn’t seem to have a woman’s touch!” Oh tee hee…

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

NP. If it isn’t hard, why didn’t DH do it? HI THERE? Do you have an answer to that question? If nobody needs to cook, clean, or host and it’s really not that hard, why didn’t DH do it, especially after OP told him point blank she wouldn’t be doing it?! If you are so concerned that OP’s kids didn’t get a restaurant dinner or a Honeybaked ham, please feel free to tell their father how horrible he is not to provide.

I have my opinion and you have yours. I would have drawn a line and a shitty grocery store take out dinner for Easter. You do you.

It’s not an opinion, it’s a fact: if something is “easy” to do, a husband can do it just as well as a wife, yes? So why do you expect it of a woman but not a man?

+1. There is nothing wrong with what OP did and her husband should learn to step up. The issue is not with her taking on fewer responsibilities, it’s that the visitors were completely unaware of any of this, so they noticed the shift and we’re concerned it was due to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were given the opportunity to explain why you are mad at them — and you ARE mad at them — and you obfuscated and were glib. This isn’t the win you seem to think it is.

Can someone please explain to me how telling the truth that one doesn’t want to host is somehow being “mad” at anyone?

Ask me if I want to fold the laundry. I’ll tell you no. Am I mad at you?

It wasn’t a case of simply not wanting to do it. It was a case of pent up grievances. You were intending to send a message about your dissatisfaction and when it got the attention you wanted, you didn’t articulate your frustrations. Yes, I think you were absolutely mad at them and continue to be. Instead you were passive-aggressive.

Telling DH “I don’t want to do it”, not doing it, then when questioned by in laws telling them “I didn’t want to do it” is in no way shape or form passive aggressive. It is direct.

Exactly! Passive aggressive would have been one of these dumb DCUM scripts. “Oh Nancy, I just adore you but am so exhausted; I asked Kevin to host for once, but he just doesn’t seem to have a woman’s touch!” Oh tee hee…

Exactly! I cannot stand those ridiculous DCUM scripts. I get cavities just reading them and I want to smash the writers face in. “I didn’t want to do it” is 100% perfectly fine, reasonable and honest.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

ok way to miss the point but good for you

No I'm not missing the point. I'm just saying on this one issue I would have just booked a reservation b/c I'm not going to choke down gross food to make a point. That is shooting yourself in the foot. Things that impact the ILs like made beds, coffee, chit chat, cleaning, prepping, etc are fair game. But the food is something that impacts me, so I would handle that separately.

NP. I guess some of us figure there are 365 days a year, so if dinner isn’t great on one of those days, there are other days to have a good dinner. And then there’s you, twisting yourself into bitter knots over a rotisserie chicken.

No, there's me just making a reservation. Then there's you getting bent out of shape that I would have done something different that took almost no effort than you. Maybe just move on and accept that people are different. There's no right answer here and OP isn't sitting there smug and satisfied with herself either with her "can't win for losing" attitude.

I didn’t realize dinner at a place that requires a reservation was free. If I were OP, I wouldn’t want to buy dinner for ILs who can’t even make their own coffee, either.

Who pays is a separate issue. My ILs always pay. My parents insist on splitting the bill. So if it involved my ILs I would make the reservation knowing they would be footing the bill. But if this is the hill you want to die on, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

ok way to miss the point but good for you

No I'm not missing the point. I'm just saying on this one issue I would have just booked a reservation b/c I'm not going to choke down gross food to make a point. That is shooting yourself in the foot. Things that impact the ILs like made beds, coffee, chit chat, cleaning, prepping, etc are fair game. But the food is something that impacts me, so I would handle that separately.

NP. I guess some of us figure there are 365 days a year, so if dinner isn’t great on one of those days, there are other days to have a good dinner. And then there’s you, twisting yourself into bitter knots over a rotisserie chicken.

No, there's me just making a reservation. Then there's you getting bent out of shape that I would have done something different that took almost no effort than you. Maybe just move on and accept that people are different. There's no right answer here and OP isn't sitting there smug and satisfied with herself either with her "can't win for losing" attitude.

OP's goal is not to eat the best possible meal. Her goal is to get her husband to pick up the slack. He needed to experience some natural consequences to his inaction. You must really hate eating food from the grocery store

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

ok way to miss the point but good for you

No I'm not missing the point. I'm just saying on this one issue I would have just booked a reservation b/c I'm not going to choke down gross food to make a point. That is shooting yourself in the foot. Things that impact the ILs like made beds, coffee, chit chat, cleaning, prepping, etc are fair game. But the food is something that impacts me, so I would handle that separately.

NP. I guess some of us figure there are 365 days a year, so if dinner isn’t great on one of those days, there are other days to have a good dinner. And then there’s you, twisting yourself into bitter knots over a rotisserie chicken.

No, there's me just making a reservation. Then there's you getting bent out of shape that I would have done something different that took almost no effort than you. Maybe just move on and accept that people are different. There's no right answer here and OP isn't sitting there smug and satisfied with herself either with her "can't win for losing" attitude.

I didn’t realize dinner at a place that requires a reservation was free. If I were OP, I wouldn’t want to buy dinner for ILs who can’t even make their own coffee, either.

Who pays is a separate issue. My ILs always pay. My parents insist on splitting the bill. So if it involved my ILs I would make the reservation knowing they would be footing the bill. But if this is the hill you want to die on, so be it.

The hill *I* want to die on? Babe, I ate at a restaurant with my parents, ILs, and my brother and his significant other for Easter. We had a great time! But you telling OP “just do it, it’s so easy” is rich. If it’s easy, DH can do it. If he didn’t do it, that’s on him, not her. OP’s frustration here is not “I ate rotisserie chicken” it’s “I communicated with my husband and dropped the rope, and somehow MIL is texting me because it wasn’t a great visit.” OK?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why can’t her husband do it since it’s all so easy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

In "dropping the rope" you just replicated your DH's sh*tty behavior.

He didn't help and it felt crappy to you. Now you didn't help and it feels crappy to him and his family.

Shocker.

OP wasn't helping. She was doing everything. OP you should let MIL know you loved having her but her adult son agreed in advance to take care of things then didn't. Ignore the PP. That attitude is how it's always the woman to blame. You did not replicate DH's behavior. He was aware well in advance of the visit.

This is what I do. I like MIL a lot and am pretty honest with her. If we are hosting and DH has agreed to handle it I tell her he said he’s taking care of dinner, plans, etc. She fully understands she should be asking DH what’s for dinner. She’s wonderful though so more likely she’s telling us what she’s making.