In a dark place today: Life isn’t Fair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really struggling as I watch everyone around us begin and continue to expand their families. I’ve wanted a baby and a house and a family life since I was 27 years old! I am 36 now and while I was waiting to TTC as we were building our careers, others had already begun having babies, buying homes. Over the past 2 years I’ve had 2 ectopics and now I’m being referred to fertility clinics as the only way to have a baby. Meanwhile at this point even our younger siblings have started having babies and buying homes.

I’m a mess.

I feel empathetic toward you, OP. I got married at age 27 and wanted to have a baby since then. I finally got pregnant on my 10th IVF cycle at age 37+. My friends' kids were in middle school by then. It took me 3 surgeries, 6 clomid cycles, 6 IUIs, 10 IVFs and 2 surrogacies to finally get to the "pregnant stage". My insurance did not cover any infertility treatments, I had lost my savings and was at capacity on credit cards. Not to mention nosy in-laws and unsolicited advices. That phase of infertility was really dark.

Things that helped me navigate through depression:
I stopped following Facebook, distanced myself from friends who had babies, looked for hanging out with coworkers who were either childfree by choice or singles, and tried to stay as busy as I could with work and sports. My husband and my adopted pets saved me from going permanently underground.

[Anonymous]

Adoption is a beautiful gift and helps humanity in a different way. Adopting my little girl has humbled in me in so many different ways. My husband has been incredibly supportive after I basically went into the darkest depths of my life after years of failed fertility treatments. I'm glad he stood by me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really struggling as I watch everyone around us begin and continue to expand their families. I’ve wanted a baby and a house and a family life since I was 27 years old! I am 36 now and while I was waiting to TTC as we were building our careers, others had already begun having babies, buying homes. Over the past 2 years I’ve had 2 ectopics and now I’m being referred to fertility clinics as the only way to have a baby. Meanwhile at this point even our younger siblings have started having babies and buying homes.

I’m a mess.

I feel empathetic toward you, OP. I got married at age 27 and wanted to have a baby since then. I finally got pregnant on my 10th IVF cycle at age 37+. My friends' kids were in middle school by then. It took me 3 surgeries, 6 clomid cycles, 6 IUIs, 10 IVFs and 2 surrogacies to finally get to the "pregnant stage". My insurance did not cover any infertility treatments, I had lost my savings and was at capacity on credit cards. Not to mention nosy in-laws and unsolicited advices. That phase of infertility was really dark.

Things that helped me navigate through depression:
I stopped following Facebook, distanced myself from friends who had babies, looked for hanging out with coworkers who were either childfree by choice or singles, and tried to stay as busy as I could with work and sports. My husband and my adopted pets saved me from going permanently underground.

Do you have any regrets? Presumably you don't have a support network or friends with kids but now you have a kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life isn’t fair for a lot of people OP but you are not one of them. I get that you think life sucks right now not when you look at true unfairness around the world your life is not it. Yesterday someone on our buy nothing group posted that she knows of a teen in foster care who’s had a rough life is in need of a prom dress. She wants a certain color and size, did anyone have one. This 17yo in foster care should get to enjoy prom big she can’t because she can’t afford a dress. Her life is unfair. She is a child with adult struggles. Maybe you’re mean to have a healthy bio child , maybe not, but take fairness out if it.

Having two ectopic pregnancies kinda sucks. Now she has to worry that having sex could literally kill her. This isn't "just" infertility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really struggling as I watch everyone around us begin and continue to expand their families. I’ve wanted a baby and a house and a family life since I was 27 years old! I am 36 now and while I was waiting to TTC as we were building our careers, others had already begun having babies, buying homes. Over the past 2 years I’ve had 2 ectopics and now I’m being referred to fertility clinics as the only way to have a baby. Meanwhile at this point even our younger siblings have started having babies and buying homes.

I’m a mess.

I feel empathetic toward you, OP. I got married at age 27 and wanted to have a baby since then. I finally got pregnant on my 10th IVF cycle at age 37+. My friends' kids were in middle school by then. It took me 3 surgeries, 6 clomid cycles, 6 IUIs, 10 IVFs and 2 surrogacies to finally get to the "pregnant stage". My insurance did not cover any infertility treatments, I had lost my savings and was at capacity on credit cards. Not to mention nosy in-laws and unsolicited advices. That phase of infertility was really dark.

Things that helped me navigate through depression:
I stopped following Facebook, distanced myself from friends who had babies, looked for hanging out with coworkers who were either childfree by choice or singles, and tried to stay as busy as I could with work and sports. My husband and my adopted pets saved me from going permanently underground.

Ugh. The unsolicited advice (worse when it comes from nosy in-laws) is the worst! And last thing anyone needs. Sorry you had to endure that.

Huge +1 to deleting FaceBook, or, as I call it, “envy book.” It seems harmless, but the truth is Facebook is harmful to your mental health in so many ways. And especially bad when TTC.

Delete it.

[Anonymous]

I'm 39 and have been trying to get pregnant for four years. And now my partner is pulling away from me. I don't think he is cheating but he really wants children and I just can't deliver. The weekend are the worst because we just silently tolerate each other. He's a homebody and I really wish he would step out so I don't have to keep thinking about how I am failing him.

[Anonymous]

By age 50, youre going to have 2 or 3 wonderful children, by whatever means is necessary. It will be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 39 and have been trying to get pregnant for four years. And now my partner is pulling away from me. I don't think he is cheating but he really wants children and I just can't deliver. The weekend are the worst because we just silently tolerate each other. He's a homebody and I really wish he would step out so I don't have to keep thinking about how I am failing him.

You aren't failing him - he's failing you if all he can do is silently tolerate you. You deserve love and respect from a partner regardless of your ability to have biological children.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you and your frustration and pain is all 100% valid. I'm in a similar situation, except the man I wanted to marry and have children with ended our relationship abruptly a few months ago (guess I dodged a bullet with his temper, but still hurts like hell), so I'm 36, single, and a solo renter in a HCOL area wondering if I'll ever have the chance to have semblance of my dream life and relationship. All my friends are 5+ years younger than me and have partners or never wanted kids. The good news is: you have your partner! I wish you all the best; nothing is guaranteed, but you're well on your way, I promise. You will hold each other's hands and face whatever comes next, and I truly hope you get everything your heart desires in this life <3

[Anonymous]

36 is a fine time to start a family. As is 40, or whenever it happens for you and you're ready. Don't get hung up on your age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:36 is a fine time to start a family. As is 40, or whenever it happens for you and you're ready. Don't get hung up on your age.

🤔 You should attend a biology class. Many community colleges will let you sit in on one for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. Life is rarely ever fair.

I know it sounds trite, but try to make lemonade out of lemons.

Are you open for adoption?

If not, the pros of being childless means you can do whatever you want in life. Having kids is hard on a marriage and yourself. Just read the parenting forum for examples.

You can still be happy without a child, but you have to be willing to find something else in your life that makes you happy.

I have two kids, and I love them dearly, but if I didn't have kids, I would travel the world, which is what DH and I started to do before the kids came. We could've also retired early if we didn't have kids.

Good luck to you, OP. Find something else that makes you happy.

This is tone deaf advice from someone who has kids to someone who wants them and can't conceive easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. Life is rarely ever fair.

I know it sounds trite, but try to make lemonade out of lemons.

Are you open for adoption?

If not, the pros of being childless means you can do whatever you want in life. Having kids is hard on a marriage and yourself. Just read the parenting forum for examples.

You can still be happy without a child, but you have to be willing to find something else in your life that makes you happy.

I have two kids, and I love them dearly, but if I didn't have kids, I would travel the world, which is what DH and I started to do before the kids came. We could've also retired early if we didn't have kids.

Good luck to you, OP. Find something else that makes you happy.

This is tone deaf advice from someone who has kids to someone who wants them and can't conceive easily.

To OP, 36 is doable for IVF. Wishing you strength and my suggestion is while deleting Facebook, stop coming to this site as well and find decorated infertility groups/sites instead or you will get more tone deaf comments or full on “God’s plan,” which at one point you may want to hear, but suspect not now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life isn’t fair for a lot of people OP but you are not one of them. I get that you think life sucks right now not when you look at true unfairness around the world your life is not it. Yesterday someone on our buy nothing group posted that she knows of a teen in foster care who’s had a rough life is in need of a prom dress. She wants a certain color and size, did anyone have one. This 17yo in foster care should get to enjoy prom big she can’t because she can’t afford a dress. Her life is unfair. She is a child with adult struggles. Maybe you’re mean to have a healthy bio child , maybe not, but take fairness out if it.

You’re in the wrong forum, and your supercilious attitude has no place here, gtfo. We can always find someone who is doing or worse than us, so what. A struggle is a struggle. This is a supportive community; kindly eff off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life isn’t fair for a lot of people OP but you are not one of them. I get that you think life sucks right now not when you look at true unfairness around the world your life is not it. Yesterday someone on our buy nothing group posted that she knows of a teen in foster care who’s had a rough life is in need of a prom dress. She wants a certain color and size, did anyone have one. This 17yo in foster care should get to enjoy prom big she can’t because she can’t afford a dress. Her life is unfair. She is a child with adult struggles. Maybe you’re mean to have a healthy bio child , maybe not, but take fairness out if it.

You’re in the wrong forum, and your supercilious attitude has no place here, gtfo. We can always find someone who is doing or worse than us, so what. A struggle is a struggle. This is a supportive community; kindly eff off.

Wow. You really need to calm down and invest in therapy for your anger issues.