In a dark place today: Life isn’t Fair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is crazy!

First of all, OP hasn’t even tried IVF once yet, she clearly has good eggs and sperm to work with, and there is zero reason to think IVF won’t work! Talking about a child free life or adopting or anything else is just way way silly at this point.

OP, IVF truly is not that bad! You’ll do it once or twice, perhaps even a third time, and you’ll have your baby or babies!

Talk to people who have done IVF for years and years without success and then you’ll know what truly unfair looks and feels like. Perspective!!

My thoughts exactly. Why are people bringing up these other options? IVF is not the huge deal it sounds like before you actually do it. It’s a lot of appointments and drugs but for a limited time and then odds are good you end up with a baby.

Not only is it the appointments its also logistics of those appointments and the little thing of cost. Some people don't live close to their clinics. Its all a lot.

Other people bringing up adoption is the most typical thing ever and they should all stop doing this when people are talking about infertility treatments. Everyone is aware of adoption.

Same is true in the other direction. We were in the adoption process due to inability to conceive. We were pretty far in - we were doing medical review for a potential match from DH's home country - when I got pregnant. Our social worker said basically to NEVER tell that story to anyone trying to adopt because people think it happens all the time, but it is actually very rare.

Adoption is great. People doing ivf/infertility treatments are aware of adoption. They do not need random people who never dealt with infertility mentioning it like they want to make sure the infertile are aware of this option.

People tell stories like this one ALL THE TIME. Infertile, adopted than got pregnant. Awesome it worked for you - believe its rare

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar dark place. I didn't start trying until I was 35. I had three miscarriages in 2 years and ended up doing IVF. My reaction to the miscarriages, which I know is completely natural and understandable, was just not something I could explain to myself. I'm a pretty rational person with a back up plan going into TTC (my husband and I already had a discussion before marriage of our plans if we could not conceive) but the emotional roller coaster was not something I could rationalize. I realize (for me at least) there was a big difference between choosing to not have your own children and not having a choice. I had to stay away from social media and tried hard to avoid baby showers and events with someone who was pregnant. The only good thing about COVID was that it made it a little easier for me to avoid people.

I also dreaded IVF and cried when we were told it was our next route. It seems so daunting in the beginning and the injections made me nervous. Once I understood the steps of IVF it all became kind of routine. I took it one day at a time (so cliche I know...). It was a relief that the process was out of my control but I know someone else was monitoring it. When TTC, I spent so much time timing my ovulation, then timing sex, then timing pregnancy tests and repeat. Then it was a lot of wondering if I did something wrong. With IVF, someone else was doing that work and it somehow was mentally easier for me.

You have a right to your feelings and you should take as much time as you need to process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry. When I had lots of losses a friend who had also been though the fertility journey told me “you will get the baby you are meant to have”. She was so right. I hope that you get your rainbow baby soon. Fwiw, IVF wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. My anxiety about it was much worse.

Plus 1.
Adoptive mom of the best kid ever for me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry. When I had lots of losses a friend who had also been though the fertility journey told me “you will get the baby you are meant to have”. She was so right. I hope that you get your rainbow baby soon. Fwiw, IVF wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. My anxiety about it was much worse.

Plus 1.
Adoptive mom of the best kid ever for me

What if there is no baby at the end of the journey? It doesn’t always end with a happy rainbow baby story, you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry. When I had lots of losses a friend who had also been though the fertility journey told me “you will get the baby you are meant to have”. She was so right. I hope that you get your rainbow baby soon. Fwiw, IVF wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. My anxiety about it was much worse.

Plus 1.
Adoptive mom of the best kid ever for me

What if there is no baby at the end of the journey? It doesn’t always end with a happy rainbow baby story, you know.

People don't like to talk about it; I was never able to get pregnant or adopt. Not everyone ends up with a "rainbow baby".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry. When I had lots of losses a friend who had also been though the fertility journey told me “you will get the baby you are meant to have”. She was so right. I hope that you get your rainbow baby soon. Fwiw, IVF wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. My anxiety about it was much worse.

Plus 1.
Adoptive mom of the best kid ever for me

What if there is no baby at the end of the journey? It doesn’t always end with a happy rainbow baby story, you know.

People don't like to talk about it; I was never able to get pregnant or adopt. Not everyone ends up with a "rainbow baby".

+1. I would expect better than DCUM to fall into this kind of toxic positivity and cliches. There’s a Facebook group for that kind of talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry. When I had lots of losses a friend who had also been though the fertility journey told me “you will get the baby you are meant to have”. She was so right. I hope that you get your rainbow baby soon. Fwiw, IVF wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. My anxiety about it was much worse.

Plus 1.
Adoptive mom of the best kid ever for me

What if there is no baby at the end of the journey? It doesn’t always end with a happy rainbow baby story, you know.

People don't like to talk about it; I was never able to get pregnant or adopt. Not everyone ends up with a "rainbow baby".

+1. I would expect better than DCUM to fall into this kind of toxic positivity and cliches. There’s a Facebook group for that kind of talk.

Thank you. It's irritatingly useless and not encouraging to someone in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar dark place. I didn't start trying until I was 35. I had three miscarriages in 2 years and ended up doing IVF. My reaction to the miscarriages, which I know is completely natural and understandable, was just not something I could explain to myself. I'm a pretty rational person with a back up plan going into TTC (my husband and I already had a discussion before marriage of our plans if we could not conceive) but the emotional roller coaster was not something I could rationalize. I realize (for me at least) there was a big difference between choosing to not have your own children and not having a choice. I had to stay away from social media and tried hard to avoid baby showers and events with someone who was pregnant. The only good thing about COVID was that it made it a little easier for me to avoid people.

I also dreaded IVF and cried when we were told it was our next route. It seems so daunting in the beginning and the injections made me nervous. Once I understood the steps of IVF it all became kind of routine. I took it one day at a time (so cliche I know...). It was a relief that the process was out of my control but I know someone else was monitoring it. When TTC, I spent so much time timing my ovulation, then timing sex, then timing pregnancy tests and repeat. Then it was a lot of wondering if I did something wrong. With IVF, someone else was doing that work and it somehow was mentally easier for me.

You have a right to your feelings and you should take as much time as you need to process.

Thank you for taking the time to write this. I'm not the OP, but it has helped me to read it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you have actually gone down the path of adoption, please refrain from offering your ignorant advice. Adoption is really really difficult, can take years, doesn’t always result in a child and there are so many other difficult things about it. So unless you’ve actually lived all of that, kindly keep your uneducated opinion to yourself.

And is often traumatic for adoptees & birth mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have an out of control population growth and also kids in need of adoption. It is also okay to be childless because of the freedom that provides!

This comment is gross and totally inappropriate.

There aren't that many kids that are adoptable. It took us a small fortune and 6 years to adopt. OP's heartache is real. Why don't you adopt?

What do you mean “adoptable”? Do you mean that school-aged children who may have special needs don’t deserve a loving home?

You’re not entitled to a baby. I’m sorry you are unable to conceive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have an out of control population growth and also kids in need of adoption. It is also okay to be childless because of the freedom that provides!

This comment is gross and totally inappropriate.

There aren't that many kids that are adoptable. It took us a small fortune and 6 years to adopt. OP's heartache is real. Why don't you adopt?

What do you mean “adoptable”? Do you mean that school-aged children who may have special needs don’t deserve a loving home?

You’re not entitled to a baby. I’m sorry you are unable to conceive.

Are you really that inconsiderate? Just because every kid deserves a loving home doesn't mean every home is able to take on that kid. Most infertile couples looking to adopt are going to be first time parents. I for one can not imagine going from childless to adopting an older child, let alone one with special needs. Now that I have kids of my own, I can imagine adopting an older child but I was not there before.

And just because someone isn't entitled to a baby doesn't mean they are not entitled to long for one and grieve for chances of one. The biological urge to have an offspring is very real and very strong. So get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was where you are (not ectopics but Ttc for 6 years unsuccessfully) and I now have 3 children, with my last being a surprise at 40. It’s so hard to see everyone around you doing the only thing you want to be doing.

I will say, though, that my one big regret was not living a little more during the wait. We bought a house suited for children, not us, we didn’t travel like we could (should!) have, I didn’t spend random saturdays having boozy brunches and spa days. I worked obsessively to take my mind off of my ttc “failures” and spent the rest of my time exercising obsessively and freaking out about our finances (we made 300k combined. With no kids. In 2012. 😫). In hindsight, I wish I would have enjoyed this period of my life a little more because 3 kids is nonstop and while they are wonderful and amazing little people, there’s certainly no downtime.

I hope it works out for you. I used Ccrm and they are the very best. Please care for yourself as you go through this journey, whatever that looks like for you!!

This if you can. And it’s even if you ultimately don’t have kids, but no judgment if you can’t as i only agree b/c something I was not able to do but now wish I could have too. You do what you can at the time and do what will help you have peace later.

[Anonymous]

I totally empathize, OP. I’ve never even had a + before. And pursuing IVF is against my beliefs so I’m triply feeling the suck. Not trying to make this about me, but I hope it’s okay to commiserate here with you. It does suck, alot.

[Anonymous]

I am single and I was always open to adoption. After 4 years of TTC I did adopt my daughter. But child-free all those years were fine if not frustrating, other than the no-conception issue. Today my daughter is 11 and we are on our way to the mountains to share a cabin with some friends. I still live in the tiny starter home i bought 22 years ago; it is our family home now.

I have friends who literally tried for 22 years and it finally happened for them; she at 47 and he at 52. Their daughter is now 7. They have never been able to buy a home due to spending 250K TTC.

Different paths for everyone.

[Anonymous]

You are in a really tough phase of life. It sucks. Be gentle & take care of yourself.

The next phase will be better - whatever it is. I am in my fifties, & have a couple of very close friends who were all there. One adopted, one is child free, one has both IVF & adopted children. We are all in a much better place now - the uncertainty where you are right now is really hard. It will get better - no matter what the path.