In a dark place today: Life isn’t Fair

[Anonymous]

I’m really struggling as I watch everyone around us begin and continue to expand their families. I’ve wanted a baby and a house and a family life since I was 27 years old! I am 36 now and while I was waiting to TTC as we were building our careers, others had already begun having babies, buying homes. Over the past 2 years I’ve had 2 ectopics and now I’m being referred to fertility clinics as the only way to have a baby. Meanwhile at this point even our younger siblings have started having babies and buying homes.

I’m a mess.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I hope things work out for you soon. It's a hard stage of life.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. Life is rarely ever fair.

I know it sounds trite, but try to make lemonade out of lemons.

Are you open for adoption?

If not, the pros of being childless means you can do whatever you want in life. Having kids is hard on a marriage and yourself. Just read the parenting forum for examples.

You can still be happy without a child, but you have to be willing to find something else in your life that makes you happy.

I have two kids, and I love them dearly, but if I didn't have kids, I would travel the world, which is what DH and I started to do before the kids came. We could've also retired early if we didn't have kids.

Good luck to you, OP. Find something else that makes you happy.

[Anonymous]

OP,
I feel what you are saying. I started trying a little later than 27 and (yes, it worked out for me) got pregnant at 37.

This is not to tell you that it will all work out. It may not. We had to make peace with that as my peers were welcoming their babies. Month after month after month of frustration. It really did something to us mentally and I withdrew from my friend group. I really could not attend another baby shower. This is to tell you to see if you can talk to someone about this. This time left a mental scar that I wished we had addressed with s professional.

On pursuing fertility treatments, discuss how far you are willing go along the treatment spectrum and simplify the rest of your life as much as possible. This is a tiring road as you know. Even though we "succeeded," we can't believe it sometimes. I wish you good luck and peace.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry, op.

FWIW, I know several families who adopted—including fostering to adopt. One family now has 4 kids through fostering over the years, and their journey began with infants/toddlers who are now thriving teens/tweens.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're in a dark place, OP. I wish you the best of luck and that you learn to be happy with whatever cards are dealt to you. The urge to have a biological baby can be strong, but many people lead happy childfree lives, or pursue other forms of involvement with babies/children.

Maybe do something nice for yourself today - a cup of coffee in a bookstore, a massage, or a walk around the cherry blossoms and early dinner at a museum cafe.

[Anonymous]

I’m really sorry. When I had lots of losses a friend who had also been though the fertility journey told me “you will get the baby you are meant to have”. She was so right. I hope that you get your rainbow baby soon. Fwiw, IVF wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. My anxiety about it was much worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry. When I had lots of losses a friend who had also been though the fertility journey told me “you will get the baby you are meant to have”. She was so right. I hope that you get your rainbow baby soon. Fwiw, IVF wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. My anxiety about it was much worse.

OP here. Thank you. My OB doesn’t think I should TTC naturally anymore due to the high risk of future ectopics which are life threatening. She says the best way forward is IVF so the embryo can be implanted in my uterus. I’m just scared as there is no guarantee it will work.

I also didn’t want to be an older mom and here I am as I don’t know how long it’ll take and when it’ll work.

[Anonymous]

Looking at the bright side, you will have more control with IVF and can screen for abnormalities. I had to terminate recently and now too scared to try again (I’m past 40). You’re still young and have enough time. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry. When I had lots of losses a friend who had also been though the fertility journey told me “you will get the baby you are meant to have”. She was so right. I hope that you get your rainbow baby soon. Fwiw, IVF wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. My anxiety about it was much worse.

OP here. Thank you. My OB doesn’t think I should TTC naturally anymore due to the high risk of future ectopics which are life threatening. She says the best way forward is IVF so the embryo can be implanted in my uterus. I’m just scared as there is no guarantee it will work.

I also didn’t want to be an older mom and here I am as I don’t know how long it’ll take and when it’ll work.

I’m curious what makes someone high risk of future ectopics? Do you drop eggs late? I thought ectopics were random.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry. When I had lots of losses a friend who had also been though the fertility journey told me “you will get the baby you are meant to have”. She was so right. I hope that you get your rainbow baby soon. Fwiw, IVF wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. My anxiety about it was much worse.

OP here. Thank you. My OB doesn’t think I should TTC naturally anymore due to the high risk of future ectopics which are life threatening. She says the best way forward is IVF so the embryo can be implanted in my uterus. I’m just scared as there is no guarantee it will work.

I also didn’t want to be an older mom and here I am as I don’t know how long it’ll take and when it’ll work.

I’m curious what makes someone high risk of future ectopics? Do you drop eggs late? I thought ectopics were random.

Op here. Apparently once you have recurring ectopics ( I’ve had 2, one ruptured and the current one I’m being treated with MTX in hopes of avoiding a rupture), the chance of another ectopic is like 50-60% compared to trying again with IVF which is 2-3%. Ectopics are life threatening and MTX is a chemotherapy drug so no good options.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was where you are (not ectopics but Ttc for 6 years unsuccessfully) and I now have 3 children, with my last being a surprise at 40. It’s so hard to see everyone around you doing the only thing you want to be doing.

I will say, though, that my one big regret was not living a little more during the wait. We bought a house suited for children, not us, we didn’t travel like we could (should!) have, I didn’t spend random saturdays having boozy brunches and spa days. I worked obsessively to take my mind off of my ttc “failures” and spent the rest of my time exercising obsessively and freaking out about our finances (we made 300k combined. With no kids. In 2012. 😫). In hindsight, I wish I would have enjoyed this period of my life a little more because 3 kids is nonstop and while they are wonderful and amazing little people, there’s certainly no downtime.

I hope it works out for you. I used Ccrm and they are the very best. Please care for yourself as you go through this journey, whatever that looks like for you!!

[Anonymous]

I feel you, OP! I’ve always wanted to be a parent. When I was TTC the first time, which took several years, two cousins who had never wanted kids conceived, my brother had kid #2, and my SIL terminated an unplanned pregnancy. I basically had to stop talking to other people. It’s so hard. Remember that there are lots of ways to have a family, and try to take care of yourself in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

Life isn’t fair for a lot of people OP but you are not one of them. I get that you think life sucks right now not when you look at true unfairness around the world your life is not it. Yesterday someone on our buy nothing group posted that she knows of a teen in foster care who’s had a rough life is in need of a prom dress. She wants a certain color and size, did anyone have one. This 17yo in foster care should get to enjoy prom big she can’t because she can’t afford a dress. Her life is unfair. She is a child with adult struggles. Maybe you’re mean to have a healthy bio child , maybe not, but take fairness out if it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry. When I had lots of losses a friend who had also been though the fertility journey told me “you will get the baby you are meant to have”. She was so right. I hope that you get your rainbow baby soon. Fwiw, IVF wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. My anxiety about it was much worse.

What happens if you never have a kid? Are you just not meant to be a parent?