Parents and ILs Don't Get Along

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What events are we talking about? A 6 year old's attempt a dance class or high graduation? How does each side know when events are scheduled? Because you are telling them!! Just stop 🛑 and take a month long break from these crazy people. They are ALL playing you. And, if DD is sad, tell her the grownups aren't playing nice. Why are you so passive?

OP here. Actually they are asking me (which I already said) and I don’t think bluntly telling them to knock it off is passive.

So the next time they ask, say this is when and where and I am also going to invite the other grandparents. If they come and you can’t get along, YOU will not be invited to the next event. If one set behaves and the other does not, the ones who misbehave will be cut out. Both sets should not be punished if one follows the rules. Reward good behavior, bad behavior has consequences. Just like with kids. Which is how they are acting.

OP here. That was more or less the gist of the conversation. I gave MIL a heads up that my parents may be there and then that’s when she got passive aggressive… I even gave her the option of an alternate event at a location my parents won’t be at, but that’s not the one MIL wanted to go to. So it’s not like she doesn’t have options. But regardless, their paths WILL cross again so everyone needs to get straight on this. I did tell her that if someone can’t behave, they’d no longer be invited.

Not sure I’m following - you told your ILs to behave? Wrong audience - the issue is you dealing with your parents.

OP here. No, I told her that I'm going to tell her the same thing as my mom... and that includes everyone needs to be civil to each other and I'm not going to deal with the before/after drama of who didn't speak to who or who is going to sit where. Basically, I don't want to hear about it from either of them, and I will shut it down from BOTH of them. I acknowledged that it's not a great situation, but if they want to come to events where both sides will be there, but I'm not going to micromanage the interactions, the comings and goings and where people sit because they can't be within 50' of each other. Conversations have started for this event and have occurred in the past of can I come to ABC part and the other set comes to XYZ part? And I played that game once or twice and honestly, it didn't work, because whoever was told to come to ABC part inevitably wanted to come to XYZ part. Also, it incredibly awkward when my MIL wants to talk $hit on my mom. I get it, she's not perfect, but I'm not going to engage and it was going down that path. The same with my mom re: MIL. Very recently she said something negative about her in front of my DH and I and I shut that down too.

It doesn't sound like they are being uncivil to each other. Just both complaining separately to you. So how will you punish them for misbehaving? That solution doesn't address the actual problem.

really, i think the actions OP described her parents taking are uncivil. Now OP is upset because her MIL is complaining about it.

Right, OP is just mad it's her problem now. She just doesn't want to hear about it. Rather than duking it out with each other, they are both putting her in the middle. That's the much bigger issue than eyerolls.

Op here. I feel VERY put in the middle and that’s why I snapped at MIL a bit. All I desperately want is for them to come to DD’s events without there being some issue every time. I’m honestly to the point where I get so anxious leading up to an event I know they will both be at. So now I’m telling both of them, knock it off, or you’re not invited again. This is the last chance. Be civil to each other and do not complain to me before/during/after about the other set, what someone did or didn’t say, who sat where, who spent more time with their grandchild. I can’t handle it anymore. I have a breaking point too.

But this isn’t a both sides are bad issue. This is on your parents. And you refuse to take a real stand here. If you keep telling your parents to be nice and they aren’t, what’s the consequence? Nothing as far as I can see.

+1. Well said. OP you are the problem here. Stand up to your parents and stop inviting them if they can’t behave. You are being completely unfair to your in-laws. YOU should have shut this down a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone have to go to every one of your daughter's events? Just keep it to yourselves and stop inviting everyone.

This was the same advice she got when she posted before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone have to go to every one of your daughter's events? Just keep it to yourselves and stop inviting everyone.

This was the same advice she got when she posted before.

Op here…. Seriously, they ask. I’m rarely, if ever, reaching out to say “hey come to this”. It’s more that they know it’s whatever sports season and they ask for the schedule. How would you recommend I handle that? Just tell them they aren’t allowed to come? I guess maybe it’s gotten to that point with my parents where I tell them they can’t come when they ask.

For the events that I know they won’t know about (like a school program) I don’t invite any of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone have to go to every one of your daughter's events? Just keep it to yourselves and stop inviting everyone.

This was the same advice she got when she posted before.

Op here…. Seriously, they ask. I’m rarely, if ever, reaching out to say “hey come to this”. It’s more that they know it’s whatever sports season and they ask for the schedule. How would you recommend I handle that? Just tell them they aren’t allowed to come? I guess maybe it’s gotten to that point with my parents where I tell them they can’t come when they ask.

For the events that I know they won’t know about (like a school program) I don’t invite any of them.

Actually, yes. “I’m not sharing the soccer schedule. Your behavior has been rude and draining. I need a break, and even more importantly, I’m worried about your rudeness impacting Larla.”

“You asked me this last week, and my answer is still the same. I’m not sharing the schedule. How is Aunt Trudy’s sciatica?”

Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.

[Anonymous]

OP, I really think it's time to go to therapy to learn how to set boundaries with your own parents. You expecting your inlaws to suck up bad behavior and then getting upset with them for complaining about it is concerning. Even if your inlaws decide for the sake of peace to just stay away, you still will have parents who are going to get more and more emboldened because you are afraid to set limits.

You are part of the drama. The key to peace is to learn to set reasonable and fair boundaries. That doesn't mean scolding both sides like they are young children. It means accepting your role as well, learning to manage YOUR emotion and learning to to calmly set clear boundaries in a respectful way and enforce those boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone have to go to every one of your daughter's events? Just keep it to yourselves and stop inviting everyone.

This was the same advice she got when she posted before.

Op here…. Seriously, they ask. I’m rarely, if ever, reaching out to say “hey come to this”. It’s more that they know it’s whatever sports season and they ask for the schedule. How would you recommend I handle that? Just tell them they aren’t allowed to come? I guess maybe it’s gotten to that point with my parents where I tell them they can’t come when they ask.

For the events that I know they won’t know about (like a school program) I don’t invite any of them.

Jesus, just tell them no. It's not that hard. Tell them not to come because they are all a pain in the ass. Why is that so hard to say when it's true? What are you so afraid of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone have to go to every one of your daughter's events? Just keep it to yourselves and stop inviting everyone.

This was the same advice she got when she posted before.

Op here…. Seriously, they ask. I’m rarely, if ever, reaching out to say “hey come to this”. It’s more that they know it’s whatever sports season and they ask for the schedule. How would you recommend I handle that? Just tell them they aren’t allowed to come? I guess maybe it’s gotten to that point with my parents where I tell them they can’t come when they ask.

For the events that I know they won’t know about (like a school program) I don’t invite any of them.

Jesus, just tell them no. It's not that hard. Tell them not to come because they are all a pain in the ass. Why is that so hard to say when it's true? What are you so afraid of?

Op here… I’m guessing you don’t have narcissistic parents who will tell you what a terrible person you are and how you mishandled things and how you’re a bad parent… etc etc etc. The fallout is ridiculous… I’m TRYING to learn how to set boundaries and as I’ve admitted previously, am not great at it. Maybe not everyone has reasonable parents? I’m in therapy to figure out how to deal with them but resetting 35+ years of this is hard and not easy. THAT’S why it’s hard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone have to go to every one of your daughter's events? Just keep it to yourselves and stop inviting everyone.

This was the same advice she got when she posted before.

Op here…. Seriously, they ask. I’m rarely, if ever, reaching out to say “hey come to this”. It’s more that they know it’s whatever sports season and they ask for the schedule. How would you recommend I handle that? Just tell them they aren’t allowed to come? I guess maybe it’s gotten to that point with my parents where I tell them they can’t come when they ask.

For the events that I know they won’t know about (like a school program) I don’t invite any of them.

Jesus, just tell them no. It's not that hard. Tell them not to come because they are all a pain in the ass. Why is that so hard to say when it's true? What are you so afraid of?

Op here… I’m guessing you don’t have narcissistic parents who will tell you what a terrible person you are and how you mishandled things and how you’re a bad parent… etc etc etc. The fallout is ridiculous… I’m TRYING to learn how to set boundaries and as I’ve admitted previously, am not great at it. Maybe not everyone has reasonable parents? I’m in therapy to figure out how to deal with them but resetting 35+ years of this is hard and not easy. THAT’S why it’s hard

Ha! What assumptions you make. My parents are often a-holes. And I have gone through periods of cutting off contact when it gets too much. Stop being such a doormat. Tell them to stop coming to the soccer games and cut them off if they tell you you're "terrible". What do you get out of this? You must enjoy the drama on some level to keep going round and round doing the same things expecting different results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone have to go to every one of your daughter's events? Just keep it to yourselves and stop inviting everyone.

This was the same advice she got when she posted before.

Op here…. Seriously, they ask. I’m rarely, if ever, reaching out to say “hey come to this”. It’s more that they know it’s whatever sports season and they ask for the schedule. How would you recommend I handle that? Just tell them they aren’t allowed to come? I guess maybe it’s gotten to that point with my parents where I tell them they can’t come when they ask.

For the events that I know they won’t know about (like a school program) I don’t invite any of them.

Actually, yes. “I’m not sharing the soccer schedule. Your behavior has been rude and draining. I need a break, and even more importantly, I’m worried about your rudeness impacting Larla.”

“You asked me this last week, and my answer is still the same. I’m not sharing the schedule. How is Aunt Trudy’s sciatica?”

Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.

THIS. Be clear with them! Their behavior has cost them the privilege of having the soccer schedule. From now on, you and your husband will decide when to invite them and to what events, no questions asked. They could have behaved like adults, they didn’t, now you treat them like the toddlers they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone have to go to every one of your daughter's events? Just keep it to yourselves and stop inviting everyone.

This was the same advice she got when she posted before.

Op here…. Seriously, they ask. I’m rarely, if ever, reaching out to say “hey come to this”. It’s more that they know it’s whatever sports season and they ask for the schedule. How would you recommend I handle that? Just tell them they aren’t allowed to come? I guess maybe it’s gotten to that point with my parents where I tell them they can’t come when they ask.

For the events that I know they won’t know about (like a school program) I don’t invite any of them.

Jesus, just tell them no. It's not that hard. Tell them not to come because they are all a pain in the ass. Why is that so hard to say when it's true? What are you so afraid of?

Op here… I’m guessing you don’t have narcissistic parents who will tell you what a terrible person you are and how you mishandled things and how you’re a bad parent… etc etc etc. The fallout is ridiculous… I’m TRYING to learn how to set boundaries and as I’ve admitted previously, am not great at it. Maybe not everyone has reasonable parents? I’m in therapy to figure out how to deal with them but resetting 35+ years of this is hard and not easy. THAT’S why it’s hard

Ha! What assumptions you make. My parents are often a-holes. And I have gone through periods of cutting off contact when it gets too much. Stop being such a doormat. Tell them to stop coming to the soccer games and cut them off if they tell you you're "terrible". What do you get out of this? You must enjoy the drama on some level to keep going round and round doing the same things expecting different results.

Screw you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone have to go to every one of your daughter's events? Just keep it to yourselves and stop inviting everyone.

This was the same advice she got when she posted before.

Op here…. Seriously, they ask. I’m rarely, if ever, reaching out to say “hey come to this”. It’s more that they know it’s whatever sports season and they ask for the schedule. How would you recommend I handle that? Just tell them they aren’t allowed to come? I guess maybe it’s gotten to that point with my parents where I tell them they can’t come when they ask.

For the events that I know they won’t know about (like a school program) I don’t invite any of them.

Jesus, just tell them no. It's not that hard. Tell them not to come because they are all a pain in the ass. Why is that so hard to say when it's true? What are you so afraid of?

Op here… I’m guessing you don’t have narcissistic parents who will tell you what a terrible person you are and how you mishandled things and how you’re a bad parent… etc etc etc. The fallout is ridiculous… I’m TRYING to learn how to set boundaries and as I’ve admitted previously, am not great at it. Maybe not everyone has reasonable parents? I’m in therapy to figure out how to deal with them but resetting 35+ years of this is hard and not easy. THAT’S why it’s hard

Interesting. On the first page of this thread, you typed this:
I know I can just tell them that they can't come to something or not invite them, but DD loves it when they come. She loves knowing that they came to see her. I'm not going to take that away from her.

Now you’re saying that you can’t say something because they’re narcissistic and will tell you what a bad person you are. Which is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone have to go to every one of your daughter's events? Just keep it to yourselves and stop inviting everyone.

This was the same advice she got when she posted before.

Op here…. Seriously, they ask. I’m rarely, if ever, reaching out to say “hey come to this”. It’s more that they know it’s whatever sports season and they ask for the schedule. How would you recommend I handle that? Just tell them they aren’t allowed to come? I guess maybe it’s gotten to that point with my parents where I tell them they can’t come when they ask.

For the events that I know they won’t know about (like a school program) I don’t invite any of them.

Jesus, just tell them no. It's not that hard. Tell them not to come because they are all a pain in the ass. Why is that so hard to say when it's true? What are you so afraid of?

Op here… I’m guessing you don’t have narcissistic parents who will tell you what a terrible person you are and how you mishandled things and how you’re a bad parent… etc etc etc. The fallout is ridiculous… I’m TRYING to learn how to set boundaries and as I’ve admitted previously, am not great at it. Maybe not everyone has reasonable parents? I’m in therapy to figure out how to deal with them but resetting 35+ years of this is hard and not easy. THAT’S why it’s hard

Interesting. On the first page of this thread, you typed this:
I know I can just tell them that they can't come to something or not invite them, but DD loves it when they come. She loves knowing that they came to see her. I'm not going to take that away from her.

Now you’re saying that you can’t say something because they’re narcissistic and will tell you what a bad person you are. Which is it?

Op here… I guess that should say “I know I could tell them…” I can always say something but it just depends on my level of tolerance for the fallout

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone have to go to every one of your daughter's events? Just keep it to yourselves and stop inviting everyone.

This was the same advice she got when she posted before.

Op here…. Seriously, they ask. I’m rarely, if ever, reaching out to say “hey come to this”. It’s more that they know it’s whatever sports season and they ask for the schedule. How would you recommend I handle that? Just tell them they aren’t allowed to come? I guess maybe it’s gotten to that point with my parents where I tell them they can’t come when they ask.

For the events that I know they won’t know about (like a school program) I don’t invite any of them.

Jesus, just tell them no. It's not that hard. Tell them not to come because they are all a pain in the ass. Why is that so hard to say when it's true? What are you so afraid of?

Op here… I’m guessing you don’t have narcissistic parents who will tell you what a terrible person you are and how you mishandled things and how you’re a bad parent… etc etc etc. The fallout is ridiculous… I’m TRYING to learn how to set boundaries and as I’ve admitted previously, am not great at it. Maybe not everyone has reasonable parents? I’m in therapy to figure out how to deal with them but resetting 35+ years of this is hard and not easy. THAT’S why it’s hard

Ha! What assumptions you make. My parents are often a-holes. And I have gone through periods of cutting off contact when it gets too much. Stop being such a doormat. Tell them to stop coming to the soccer games and cut them off if they tell you you're "terrible". What do you get out of this? You must enjoy the drama on some level to keep going round and round doing the same things expecting different results.

Screw you

NP, +1,000

[Anonymous]

Touchy touchy. Did the other post calling you out for loving the drama hit a nerve?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone have to go to every one of your daughter's events? Just keep it to yourselves and stop inviting everyone.

This was the same advice she got when she posted before.

Op here…. Seriously, they ask. I’m rarely, if ever, reaching out to say “hey come to this”. It’s more that they know it’s whatever sports season and they ask for the schedule. How would you recommend I handle that? Just tell them they aren’t allowed to come? I guess maybe it’s gotten to that point with my parents where I tell them they can’t come when they ask.

For the events that I know they won’t know about (like a school program) I don’t invite any of them.

Jesus, just tell them no. It's not that hard. Tell them not to come because they are all a pain in the ass. Why is that so hard to say when it's true? What are you so afraid of?

Op here… I’m guessing you don’t have narcissistic parents who will tell you what a terrible person you are and how you mishandled things and how you’re a bad parent… etc etc etc. The fallout is ridiculous… I’m TRYING to learn how to set boundaries and as I’ve admitted previously, am not great at it. Maybe not everyone has reasonable parents? I’m in therapy to figure out how to deal with them but resetting 35+ years of this is hard and not easy. THAT’S why it’s hard

Ha! What assumptions you make. My parents are often a-holes. And I have gone through periods of cutting off contact when it gets too much. Stop being such a doormat. Tell them to stop coming to the soccer games and cut them off if they tell you you're "terrible". What do you get out of this? You must enjoy the drama on some level to keep going round and round doing the same things expecting different results.

Screw you

NP, +1,000

Grow up. OP admits she's posted about this before and still can't figure out what she needs to do.