Parents and ILs Don't Get Along

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What events are we talking about? A 6 year old's attempt a dance class or high graduation? How does each side know when events are scheduled? Because you are telling them!! Just stop 🛑 and take a month long break from these crazy people. They are ALL playing you. And, if DD is sad, tell her the grownups aren't playing nice. Why are you so passive?

OP here. Actually they are asking me (which I already said) and I don’t think bluntly telling them to knock it off is passive.

So the next time they ask, say this is when and where and I am also going to invite the other grandparents. If they come and you can’t get along, YOU will not be invited to the next event. If one set behaves and the other does not, the ones who misbehave will be cut out. Both sets should not be punished if one follows the rules. Reward good behavior, bad behavior has consequences. Just like with kids. Which is how they are acting.

[Anonymous]

Just wondering: what have you said to your mother?

It sounds like you have 3 choices: (1) carry on as you have been, with misery as a result; (2) alternate invites; (3) invite all of them but do not agree to carpool or sit with anyone/save seats for anyone. They can get there themselves and sit by themselves. (Although why do I suspect if you do this, your mother will get there early to make sure she gets to seat with you.)

I have to say, I'm wondering why your mother gets invited at all. She sounds terrible.

[Anonymous]

Do you have the only grandkid? Why are they so obsessed with every event? They just really don't need to come to every soccer game. Stop telling them every little thing you do. Or keep doing the same thing and wonder why it doesn't get better. You don't have a lot of choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've posted about this before. My parents and ILs don't like each other. I think it's mostly my parents that have caused the problem over the years, but my ILs are now being almost as problematic as them. Playing the victim, "we'll sit by ourselves since your parents don't like us and you can sit with them" at events for my DD. I'm kind of at my wits end with all of them. After the last time, I very bluntly told my MIL that I'm not dealing with it anymore. I'm not concerning myself with who sits where and I expect all four of them to be civil or they will no longer be invited to things. They will be a part of each other's lives for many years to come and will have to see each other occasionally. They don't have to be friends, but everyone needs to grow up and do what's best for their grandchild ... and honestly for DH and me too because I get so anxious at events where I know they will both be there. And I will not just invite one set and not the other.

I can tell MIL is hurt and now I feel a bit bad like I snapped at her (when she's historically been less of a problem than my mom) but I think it needed to be said. Am I out of line?

Have you snapped and snarked at your parents too or just your in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've posted about this before. My parents and ILs don't like each other. I think it's mostly my parents that have caused the problem over the years, but my ILs are now being almost as problematic as them. Playing the victim, "we'll sit by ourselves since your parents don't like us and you can sit with them" at events for my DD. I'm kind of at my wits end with all of them. After the last time, I very bluntly told my MIL that I'm not dealing with it anymore. I'm not concerning myself with who sits where and I expect all four of them to be civil or they will no longer be invited to things. They will be a part of each other's lives for many years to come and will have to see each other occasionally. They don't have to be friends, but everyone needs to grow up and do what's best for their grandchild ... and honestly for DH and me too because I get so anxious at events where I know they will both be there. And I will not just invite one set and not the other.

I can tell MIL is hurt and now I feel a bit bad like I snapped at her (when she's historically been less of a problem than my mom) but I think it needed to be said. Am I out of line?

Have you snapped and snarked at your parents too or just your in-laws?

I was wondering this, too, especially as OP said her parents initiated the bad blood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What events are we talking about? A 6 year old's attempt a dance class or high graduation? How does each side know when events are scheduled? Because you are telling them!! Just stop 🛑 and take a month long break from these crazy people. They are ALL playing you. And, if DD is sad, tell her the grownups aren't playing nice. Why are you so passive?

OP here. Actually they are asking me (which I already said) and I don’t think bluntly telling them to knock it off is passive.

So the next time they ask, say this is when and where and I am also going to invite the other grandparents. If they come and you can’t get along, YOU will not be invited to the next event. If one set behaves and the other does not, the ones who misbehave will be cut out. Both sets should not be punished if one follows the rules. Reward good behavior, bad behavior has consequences. Just like with kids. Which is how they are acting.

OP here. That was more or less the gist of the conversation. I gave MIL a heads up that my parents may be there and then that’s when she got passive aggressive… I even gave her the option of an alternate event at a location my parents won’t be at, but that’s not the one MIL wanted to go to. So it’s not like she doesn’t have options. But regardless, their paths WILL cross again so everyone needs to get straight on this. I did tell her that if someone can’t behave, they’d no longer be invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've posted about this before. My parents and ILs don't like each other. I think it's mostly my parents that have caused the problem over the years, but my ILs are now being almost as problematic as them. Playing the victim, "we'll sit by ourselves since your parents don't like us and you can sit with them" at events for my DD. I'm kind of at my wits end with all of them. After the last time, I very bluntly told my MIL that I'm not dealing with it anymore. I'm not concerning myself with who sits where and I expect all four of them to be civil or they will no longer be invited to things. They will be a part of each other's lives for many years to come and will have to see each other occasionally. They don't have to be friends, but everyone needs to grow up and do what's best for their grandchild ... and honestly for DH and me too because I get so anxious at events where I know they will both be there. And I will not just invite one set and not the other.

I can tell MIL is hurt and now I feel a bit bad like I snapped at her (when she's historically been less of a problem than my mom) but I think it needed to be said. Am I out of line?

Have you snapped and snarked at your parents too or just your in-laws?

I was wondering this, too, especially as OP said her parents initiated the bad blood.

OP here, it’s been more on a case by case basis. For example, they’ve asked me to coordinate my ILs coming to a grandparents day event from X time to X time and then they will come before or after … I refused. Or my mom has called to complain about ILs after an event (or worse, had my dad call to complain) and I shut it down. My parents are hugely difficult… my ILs are easier types of people for me to be straight with and they aren’t going to escalate. My parents are not that easy to deal with. But I will tell them the same thing when it comes up.

[Anonymous]

So what’s your plan when—out of earshot—there’s some kind of kerfuffle, and it turns into Parents Said vs. ILs Said? Are you prepared to tell your parents they are not invited to future events because “Evelyn said you stuck out your tongue at her?” You are about to put yourself in a position to believe one version of events over another. And to be honest it doesn’t sound like either set of grandparents is above twisting words or pushing an agenda if it suits them, knowing that if they “win” they get future events to themselves.

[Anonymous]

My SIL used to have constant dramas over the fact her own divorced and remarried parents (my inlaws) didn't get along and would give jabs to eachother. Her husband's parents wouldn't come to anything so that was a non-issue. She was always calling and back then emailing with sagas about how immature they were and how upsetting it was and her daughter wanted everyone at every event. We gave her suggestions, but none would do.

When we had kids we just accepted they were all immature and petty, but we wanted harmony. It was rare we had an event where they where his mom/step dad and dad/stepmom were invited together. We saw them separately. We saw my parents separately from all of them too. We kept kid's birthday parties for kids, so no grandparents invited. We kept things very peaceful. If anyone complained they didn't see us and the grandkids enough, we kept our boundaries. We refuse to do drama.

SIL remained furious with all of them up until they they passed away. Life is too short for BS. Set your boundaries so you can have peace and connect with them on your terms.

[Anonymous]

I would also tell both sets of parents that the only reason you have been accommodating of their childish behavior is that Susie would be disappointed if they both weren’t there. Then I’d explain that if it continues you will be forced to not invite any of them and have to explain to Susie exactly why. At this point I would have no problem telling my kid that her grandparents are acting like kindergartners and that is why they can’t come to events, because Granny and Grandpa can’t handle being polite to Nana and Papa.

[Anonymous]

If your parents are the rude ones then I don’t see why you’re expecting your in-laws to put up with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what’s your plan when—out of earshot—there’s some kind of kerfuffle, and it turns into Parents Said vs. ILs Said? Are you prepared to tell your parents they are not invited to future events because “Evelyn said you stuck out your tongue at her?” You are about to put yourself in a position to believe one version of events over another. And to be honest it doesn’t sound like either set of grandparents is above twisting words or pushing an agenda if it suits them, knowing that if they “win” they get future events to themselves.

OP here. I guess I don’t know. That’s why I’m here asking advice. I feel kind of stuck and am trying to set boundaries, which I am admittedly not good at. What are your thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your parents are the rude ones then I don’t see why you’re expecting your in-laws to put up with that.

This. It sounds like OP’s parents initiated this type of behavior years ago, but OP is hesitant to deal with it because they will escalate. When my teenager is being a jerk, I don’t give into his behavior. Enabling sounds like a problem with OP and her parents.

[Anonymous]

Honestly the problem right now is you. You can shut this nonsense down, but you’re making the excuse that you can’t because your kid likes the attention of the grandparents.

Seriously?

Your kid will be absolutely fine if her grandparents aren’t at the next few soccer games or dance recital. Stop avoiding the easy answer that is right there: “We’re tired of the complaints, the eye rolling and rude behavior. For the next 2 months, no one is invited to any of Larla’s events. No one. At the beginning of May, we’ll reassess. Larla will be disappointed, but she’ll manage. We’d rather have her disappointed for a few months than continue to deal with this nonsense for another minute.” —Ken & Barbie

[Anonymous]

The OP holds all the cards because it is HER child. Don’t tell either side about the activities for at least a month. When they ask for information, tell them you need a break from all of them. Come on, OP. You are telling them to behave, but they are not getting the message. Boundaries.