Parents and ILs Don't Get Along

[Anonymous]

So if your mother's worst transgressions have been calling you afterwards to talk trash, how does your MIL know they don't like them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What events are we talking about? A 6 year old's attempt a dance class or high graduation? How does each side know when events are scheduled? Because you are telling them!! Just stop 🛑 and take a month long break from these crazy people. They are ALL playing you. And, if DD is sad, tell her the grownups aren't playing nice. Why are you so passive?

OP here. Actually they are asking me (which I already said) and I don’t think bluntly telling them to knock it off is passive.

So the next time they ask, say this is when and where and I am also going to invite the other grandparents. If they come and you can’t get along, YOU will not be invited to the next event. If one set behaves and the other does not, the ones who misbehave will be cut out. Both sets should not be punished if one follows the rules. Reward good behavior, bad behavior has consequences. Just like with kids. Which is how they are acting.

OP here. That was more or less the gist of the conversation. I gave MIL a heads up that my parents may be there and then that’s when she got passive aggressive… I even gave her the option of an alternate event at a location my parents won’t be at, but that’s not the one MIL wanted to go to. So it’s not like she doesn’t have options. But regardless, their paths WILL cross again so everyone needs to get straight on this. I did tell her that if someone can’t behave, they’d no longer be invited.

Not sure I’m following - you told your ILs to behave? Wrong audience - the issue is you dealing with your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if your mother's worst transgressions have been calling you afterwards to talk trash, how does your MIL know they don't like them?

OP here. Rolling her eyes at them, walking away from them, refusing to say hi or sit near them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What events are we talking about? A 6 year old's attempt a dance class or high graduation? How does each side know when events are scheduled? Because you are telling them!! Just stop 🛑 and take a month long break from these crazy people. They are ALL playing you. And, if DD is sad, tell her the grownups aren't playing nice. Why are you so passive?

OP here. Actually they are asking me (which I already said) and I don’t think bluntly telling them to knock it off is passive.

So the next time they ask, say this is when and where and I am also going to invite the other grandparents. If they come and you can’t get along, YOU will not be invited to the next event. If one set behaves and the other does not, the ones who misbehave will be cut out. Both sets should not be punished if one follows the rules. Reward good behavior, bad behavior has consequences. Just like with kids. Which is how they are acting.

OP here. That was more or less the gist of the conversation. I gave MIL a heads up that my parents may be there and then that’s when she got passive aggressive… I even gave her the option of an alternate event at a location my parents won’t be at, but that’s not the one MIL wanted to go to. So it’s not like she doesn’t have options. But regardless, their paths WILL cross again so everyone needs to get straight on this. I did tell her that if someone can’t behave, they’d no longer be invited.

Not sure I’m following - you told your ILs to behave? Wrong audience - the issue is you dealing with your parents.

OP here. No, I told her that I'm going to tell her the same thing as my mom... and that includes everyone needs to be civil to each other and I'm not going to deal with the before/after drama of who didn't speak to who or who is going to sit where. Basically, I don't want to hear about it from either of them, and I will shut it down from BOTH of them. I acknowledged that it's not a great situation, but if they want to come to events where both sides will be there, but I'm not going to micromanage the interactions, the comings and goings and where people sit because they can't be within 50' of each other. Conversations have started for this event and have occurred in the past of can I come to ABC part and the other set comes to XYZ part? And I played that game once or twice and honestly, it didn't work, because whoever was told to come to ABC part inevitably wanted to come to XYZ part. Also, it incredibly awkward when my MIL wants to talk $hit on my mom. I get it, she's not perfect, but I'm not going to engage and it was going down that path. The same with my mom re: MIL. Very recently she said something negative about her in front of my DH and I and I shut that down too.

[Anonymous]

No, I would not invite them both at the same time. My kids have to learn that their happiness shouldn't be at the price of stressing everyone else out. So I would loosely rotate invitations, and put my child's disappointment squarely on them. If ever they make good on their promise to be outwardly courteous to each other, I would be willing to revisit the arrangement.

In my family, it's also my mother who is most often spiteful and jealous. I read her the riot act a LONG time ago, because I can't bear to see my lovely MIL so unjustly downtrodden. Blood is not thicker than water in this instance, and I want to be fair to everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've posted about this before. My parents and ILs don't like each other. I think it's mostly my parents that have caused the problem over the years, but my ILs are now being almost as problematic as them. Playing the victim, "we'll sit by ourselves since your parents don't like us and you can sit with them" at events for my DD. I'm kind of at my wits end with all of them. After the last time, I very bluntly told my MIL that I'm not dealing with it anymore. I'm not concerning myself with who sits where and I expect all four of them to be civil or they will no longer be invited to things. They will be a part of each other's lives for many years to come and will have to see each other occasionally. They don't have to be friends, but everyone needs to grow up and do what's best for their grandchild ... and honestly for DH and me too because I get so anxious at events where I know they will both be there. And I will not just invite one set and not the other.

I can tell MIL is hurt and now I feel a bit bad like I snapped at her (when she's historically been less of a problem than my mom) but I think it needed to be said. Am I out of line?

Honest question . . . do you think your MIL was playing a victim here, or was she following your actions (not pushing back on your parents, who are the toxic ones) to their logical conclusion? If you are de factor prioritizing your parents by allowing them to sit with you and ostracize your ILs, then what else is MIL supposed to do? She could have been more direct and asked you to intervene more with your parents, but I don't see that she really did anything wrong here.

I do wonder if you've lashed out at the "safe" grandparent because the other grandparents can't be reasoned with, like when a teenager lashes out at the stable parent knowing that the other alcoholic or abusive parent cannot take their negative feelings.

OP here, fair statement and one I will think on a bit. There's some truth in there likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry...the adults should act like adults and do what's best for you and your child.

My son is marrying my best friend's daughter. We are all like one big family anyway, so it's easy for me to say, but I would do whatever it took to make my child's life better, including pretending I like someone and keeping the peace with in laws. I can't imagine how hard it would be if we all didn't get along.

Although I don't particularly care for my best friend's husband (for a few reasons), we all get along, we have fun together, are having a blast planning a wedding, etc. I KNOW if means a lot to the kids and my future daughter in law has commented several times how she loves having both of her "families" together alot.

So many parents think parenting stops when the kids turn 18, and in reality it continues until the day we die, and if they don't get along, they are being selfish.

OP here. Thank you. This sums up my feelings a bit. I've given up on the "one big happy family" awhile ago (though as recently as a few years ago, we were "one big happy-ish, civil family" and that was nice). I think we can all acknowledge not a great situation, they don't like each other, but sucking it up a few times a year to see their grandchild is not a huge ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry...the adults should act like adults and do what's best for you and your child.

My son is marrying my best friend's daughter. We are all like one big family anyway, so it's easy for me to say, but I would do whatever it took to make my child's life better, including pretending I like someone and keeping the peace with in laws. I can't imagine how hard it would be if we all didn't get along.

Although I don't particularly care for my best friend's husband (for a few reasons), we all get along, we have fun together, are having a blast planning a wedding, etc. I KNOW if means a lot to the kids and my future daughter in law has commented several times how she loves having both of her "families" together alot.

So many parents think parenting stops when the kids turn 18, and in reality it continues until the day we die, and if they don't get along, they are being selfish.

OP here. Thank you. This sums up my feelings a bit. I've given up on the "one big happy family" awhile ago (though as recently as a few years ago, we were "one big happy-ish, civil family" and that was nice). I think we can all acknowledge not a great situation, they don't like each other, but sucking it up a few times a year to see their grandchild is not a huge ask.

OP here again ... and to be clear, when I say "sucking it up a few times a year to see their grandchild" I mean BOTH sets. None of it is so outrageous like name calling... they both get upset about being ignored. So ignore each other, neither of you like each other. Just don't let me know in advance "I'm going to sit by myself so I don't have to talk to her". I don't need the announcement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if your mother's worst transgressions have been calling you afterwards to talk trash, how does your MIL know they don't like them?

OP here. Rolling her eyes at them, walking away from them, refusing to say hi or sit near them.

This is pretty egregious behavior YOU need to stop from happening towards your in-laws or stop inviting your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if your mother's worst transgressions have been calling you afterwards to talk trash, how does your MIL know they don't like them?

OP here. Rolling her eyes at them, walking away from them, refusing to say hi or sit near them.

This is pretty egregious behavior YOU need to stop from happening towards your in-laws or stop inviting your parents.

+1

If someone treated your friend this way, wouldn't you speak up? By not addressing this, you are reinforcing it. Then, you get angry at your inlaws because they are sick of being treated without basic human courtesy. You label them all childish? When my daughter was 6, she saw one grandparent do something similar to another grandparent and SHE spoke up. if I had witnessed it, I would have. We knew not to have them together and this was a rare family event where we had to have them together, I was proud of my daughter. Stand up to mean girls!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry...the adults should act like adults and do what's best for you and your child.

My son is marrying my best friend's daughter. We are all like one big family anyway, so it's easy for me to say, but I would do whatever it took to make my child's life better, including pretending I like someone and keeping the peace with in laws. I can't imagine how hard it would be if we all didn't get along.

Although I don't particularly care for my best friend's husband (for a few reasons), we all get along, we have fun together, are having a blast planning a wedding, etc. I KNOW if means a lot to the kids and my future daughter in law has commented several times how she loves having both of her "families" together alot.

So many parents think parenting stops when the kids turn 18, and in reality it continues until the day we die, and if they don't get along, they are being selfish.

OP here. Thank you. This sums up my feelings a bit. I've given up on the "one big happy family" awhile ago (though as recently as a few years ago, we were "one big happy-ish, civil family" and that was nice). I think we can all acknowledge not a great situation, they don't like each other, but sucking it up a few times a year to see their grandchild is not a huge ask.

OP here again ... and to be clear, when I say "sucking it up a few times a year to see their grandchild" I mean BOTH sets. None of it is so outrageous like name calling... they both get upset about being ignored. So ignore each other, neither of you like each other. Just don't let me know in advance "I'm going to sit by myself so I don't have to talk to her". I don't need the announcement.

So basically, your mom is mean and you are upset your MIL is having a reaction to it? Your MIL having a reaction puts you in the position of realizing that you need to take a much stronger stance on your parents than you do. And so you are mad at your MIL? Your MIL's reaction is leagues leagues lower than your mom. I can't believe you would put telling you she is sitting alone in the same category as your parents refusing to say hello to your in-laws. (What decent adult refuses to say hello to their daughter's in laws?)

This all about you not standing up in a meaningful way to your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What events are we talking about? A 6 year old's attempt a dance class or high graduation? How does each side know when events are scheduled? Because you are telling them!! Just stop 🛑 and take a month long break from these crazy people. They are ALL playing you. And, if DD is sad, tell her the grownups aren't playing nice. Why are you so passive?

OP here. Actually they are asking me (which I already said) and I don’t think bluntly telling them to knock it off is passive.

So the next time they ask, say this is when and where and I am also going to invite the other grandparents. If they come and you can’t get along, YOU will not be invited to the next event. If one set behaves and the other does not, the ones who misbehave will be cut out. Both sets should not be punished if one follows the rules. Reward good behavior, bad behavior has consequences. Just like with kids. Which is how they are acting.

OP here. That was more or less the gist of the conversation. I gave MIL a heads up that my parents may be there and then that’s when she got passive aggressive… I even gave her the option of an alternate event at a location my parents won’t be at, but that’s not the one MIL wanted to go to. So it’s not like she doesn’t have options. But regardless, their paths WILL cross again so everyone needs to get straight on this. I did tell her that if someone can’t behave, they’d no longer be invited.

Not sure I’m following - you told your ILs to behave? Wrong audience - the issue is you dealing with your parents.

OP here. No, I told her that I'm going to tell her the same thing as my mom... and that includes everyone needs to be civil to each other and I'm not going to deal with the before/after drama of who didn't speak to who or who is going to sit where. Basically, I don't want to hear about it from either of them, and I will shut it down from BOTH of them. I acknowledged that it's not a great situation, but if they want to come to events where both sides will be there, but I'm not going to micromanage the interactions, the comings and goings and where people sit because they can't be within 50' of each other. Conversations have started for this event and have occurred in the past of can I come to ABC part and the other set comes to XYZ part? And I played that game once or twice and honestly, it didn't work, because whoever was told to come to ABC part inevitably wanted to come to XYZ part. Also, it incredibly awkward when my MIL wants to talk $hit on my mom. I get it, she's not perfect, but I'm not going to engage and it was going down that path. The same with my mom re: MIL. Very recently she said something negative about her in front of my DH and I and I shut that down too.

It doesn't sound like they are being uncivil to each other. Just both complaining separately to you. So how will you punish them for misbehaving? That solution doesn't address the actual problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What events are we talking about? A 6 year old's attempt a dance class or high graduation? How does each side know when events are scheduled? Because you are telling them!! Just stop 🛑 and take a month long break from these crazy people. They are ALL playing you. And, if DD is sad, tell her the grownups aren't playing nice. Why are you so passive?

OP here. Actually they are asking me (which I already said) and I don’t think bluntly telling them to knock it off is passive.

So the next time they ask, say this is when and where and I am also going to invite the other grandparents. If they come and you can’t get along, YOU will not be invited to the next event. If one set behaves and the other does not, the ones who misbehave will be cut out. Both sets should not be punished if one follows the rules. Reward good behavior, bad behavior has consequences. Just like with kids. Which is how they are acting.

OP here. That was more or less the gist of the conversation. I gave MIL a heads up that my parents may be there and then that’s when she got passive aggressive… I even gave her the option of an alternate event at a location my parents won’t be at, but that’s not the one MIL wanted to go to. So it’s not like she doesn’t have options. But regardless, their paths WILL cross again so everyone needs to get straight on this. I did tell her that if someone can’t behave, they’d no longer be invited.

Not sure I’m following - you told your ILs to behave? Wrong audience - the issue is you dealing with your parents.

OP here. No, I told her that I'm going to tell her the same thing as my mom... and that includes everyone needs to be civil to each other and I'm not going to deal with the before/after drama of who didn't speak to who or who is going to sit where. Basically, I don't want to hear about it from either of them, and I will shut it down from BOTH of them. I acknowledged that it's not a great situation, but if they want to come to events where both sides will be there, but I'm not going to micromanage the interactions, the comings and goings and where people sit because they can't be within 50' of each other. Conversations have started for this event and have occurred in the past of can I come to ABC part and the other set comes to XYZ part? And I played that game once or twice and honestly, it didn't work, because whoever was told to come to ABC part inevitably wanted to come to XYZ part. Also, it incredibly awkward when my MIL wants to talk $hit on my mom. I get it, she's not perfect, but I'm not going to engage and it was going down that path. The same with my mom re: MIL. Very recently she said something negative about her in front of my DH and I and I shut that down too.

It doesn't sound like they are being uncivil to each other. Just both complaining separately to you. So how will you punish them for misbehaving? That solution doesn't address the actual problem.

really, i think the actions OP described her parents taking are uncivil. Now OP is upset because her MIL is complaining about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What events are we talking about? A 6 year old's attempt a dance class or high graduation? How does each side know when events are scheduled? Because you are telling them!! Just stop 🛑 and take a month long break from these crazy people. They are ALL playing you. And, if DD is sad, tell her the grownups aren't playing nice. Why are you so passive?

OP here. Actually they are asking me (which I already said) and I don’t think bluntly telling them to knock it off is passive.

So the next time they ask, say this is when and where and I am also going to invite the other grandparents. If they come and you can’t get along, YOU will not be invited to the next event. If one set behaves and the other does not, the ones who misbehave will be cut out. Both sets should not be punished if one follows the rules. Reward good behavior, bad behavior has consequences. Just like with kids. Which is how they are acting.

OP here. That was more or less the gist of the conversation. I gave MIL a heads up that my parents may be there and then that’s when she got passive aggressive… I even gave her the option of an alternate event at a location my parents won’t be at, but that’s not the one MIL wanted to go to. So it’s not like she doesn’t have options. But regardless, their paths WILL cross again so everyone needs to get straight on this. I did tell her that if someone can’t behave, they’d no longer be invited.

Not sure I’m following - you told your ILs to behave? Wrong audience - the issue is you dealing with your parents.

OP here. No, I told her that I'm going to tell her the same thing as my mom... and that includes everyone needs to be civil to each other and I'm not going to deal with the before/after drama of who didn't speak to who or who is going to sit where. Basically, I don't want to hear about it from either of them, and I will shut it down from BOTH of them. I acknowledged that it's not a great situation, but if they want to come to events where both sides will be there, but I'm not going to micromanage the interactions, the comings and goings and where people sit because they can't be within 50' of each other. Conversations have started for this event and have occurred in the past of can I come to ABC part and the other set comes to XYZ part? And I played that game once or twice and honestly, it didn't work, because whoever was told to come to ABC part inevitably wanted to come to XYZ part. Also, it incredibly awkward when my MIL wants to talk $hit on my mom. I get it, she's not perfect, but I'm not going to engage and it was going down that path. The same with my mom re: MIL. Very recently she said something negative about her in front of my DH and I and I shut that down too.

It doesn't sound like they are being uncivil to each other. Just both complaining separately to you. So how will you punish them for misbehaving? That solution doesn't address the actual problem.

really, i think the actions OP described her parents taking are uncivil. Now OP is upset because her MIL is complaining about it.

Right, OP is just mad it's her problem now. She just doesn't want to hear about it. Rather than duking it out with each other, they are both putting her in the middle. That's the much bigger issue than eyerolls.

[Anonymous]

Does the OP understand how CRAZY this situation is? Your mother needs some therapy, and by the way, where is your father in all this? Is he just standing there watching all this childish play? OP, do you enjoy watching this jealousy over your child? Something is way off here. If it were me, I would insist that they all take a break from coming to kid activities and tell them you will revisit the situation in 6 months. No earlier. The OP is allowing this situation to continue.