Parents and ILs Don't Get Along

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What events are we talking about? A 6 year old's attempt a dance class or high graduation? How does each side know when events are scheduled? Because you are telling them!! Just stop 🛑 and take a month long break from these crazy people. They are ALL playing you. And, if DD is sad, tell her the grownups aren't playing nice. Why are you so passive?

OP here. Actually they are asking me (which I already said) and I don’t think bluntly telling them to knock it off is passive.

So the next time they ask, say this is when and where and I am also going to invite the other grandparents. If they come and you can’t get along, YOU will not be invited to the next event. If one set behaves and the other does not, the ones who misbehave will be cut out. Both sets should not be punished if one follows the rules. Reward good behavior, bad behavior has consequences. Just like with kids. Which is how they are acting.

OP here. That was more or less the gist of the conversation. I gave MIL a heads up that my parents may be there and then that’s when she got passive aggressive… I even gave her the option of an alternate event at a location my parents won’t be at, but that’s not the one MIL wanted to go to. So it’s not like she doesn’t have options. But regardless, their paths WILL cross again so everyone needs to get straight on this. I did tell her that if someone can’t behave, they’d no longer be invited.

Not sure I’m following - you told your ILs to behave? Wrong audience - the issue is you dealing with your parents.

OP here. No, I told her that I'm going to tell her the same thing as my mom... and that includes everyone needs to be civil to each other and I'm not going to deal with the before/after drama of who didn't speak to who or who is going to sit where. Basically, I don't want to hear about it from either of them, and I will shut it down from BOTH of them. I acknowledged that it's not a great situation, but if they want to come to events where both sides will be there, but I'm not going to micromanage the interactions, the comings and goings and where people sit because they can't be within 50' of each other. Conversations have started for this event and have occurred in the past of can I come to ABC part and the other set comes to XYZ part? And I played that game once or twice and honestly, it didn't work, because whoever was told to come to ABC part inevitably wanted to come to XYZ part. Also, it incredibly awkward when my MIL wants to talk $hit on my mom. I get it, she's not perfect, but I'm not going to engage and it was going down that path. The same with my mom re: MIL. Very recently she said something negative about her in front of my DH and I and I shut that down too.

It doesn't sound like they are being uncivil to each other. Just both complaining separately to you. So how will you punish them for misbehaving? That solution doesn't address the actual problem.

really, i think the actions OP described her parents taking are uncivil. Now OP is upset because her MIL is complaining about it.

Right, OP is just mad it's her problem now. She just doesn't want to hear about it. Rather than duking it out with each other, they are both putting her in the middle. That's the much bigger issue than eyerolls.

Op here. I feel VERY put in the middle and that’s why I snapped at MIL a bit. All I desperately want is for them to come to DD’s events without there being some issue every time. I’m honestly to the point where I get so anxious leading up to an event I know they will both be at. So now I’m telling both of them, knock it off, or you’re not invited again. This is the last chance. Be civil to each other and do not complain to me before/during/after about the other set, what someone did or didn’t say, who sat where, who spent more time with their grandchild. I can’t handle it anymore. I have a breaking point too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does the OP understand how CRAZY this situation is? Your mother needs some therapy, and by the way, where is your father in all this? Is he just standing there watching all this childish play? OP, do you enjoy watching this jealousy over your child? Something is way off here. If it were me, I would insist that they all take a break from coming to kid activities and tell them you will revisit the situation in 6 months. No earlier. The OP is allowing this situation to continue.

Op here. He is almost as bad as my mom at this point though he did make more effort for awhile.

Basically we are stuck in this awful cycle of “they didn’t say hi” “they looked at me funny” and I’m the one who is dealing with it on both sides and I’m giving them both an ultimatum. Stop or you aren’t invited. At this point, I don’t care who started it because they’re all guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does the OP understand how CRAZY this situation is? Your mother needs some therapy, and by the way, where is your father in all this? Is he just standing there watching all this childish play? OP, do you enjoy watching this jealousy over your child? Something is way off here. If it were me, I would insist that they all take a break from coming to kid activities and tell them you will revisit the situation in 6 months. No earlier. The OP is allowing this situation to continue.

Op here. He is almost as bad as my mom at this point though he did make more effort for awhile.

Basically we are stuck in this awful cycle of “they didn’t say hi” “they looked at me funny” and I’m the one who is dealing with it on both sides and I’m giving them both an ultimatum. Stop or you aren’t invited. At this point, I don’t care who started it because they’re all guilty.

So stop inviting them now. Why wait for the next time? These events aren't worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does the OP understand how CRAZY this situation is? Your mother needs some therapy, and by the way, where is your father in all this? Is he just standing there watching all this childish play? OP, do you enjoy watching this jealousy over your child? Something is way off here. If it were me, I would insist that they all take a break from coming to kid activities and tell them you will revisit the situation in 6 months. No earlier. The OP is allowing this situation to continue.

Op here. He is almost as bad as my mom at this point though he did make more effort for awhile.

Basically we are stuck in this awful cycle of “they didn’t say hi” “they looked at me funny” and I’m the one who is dealing with it on both sides and I’m giving them both an ultimatum. Stop or you aren’t invited. At this point, I don’t care who started it because they’re all guilty.

So stop inviting them now. Why wait for the next time? These events aren't worth it.

Op here. At this point I’d have to UNinvite them from an upcoming event, so I’m willing to see how it goes now that they’ve been put on notice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does the OP understand how CRAZY this situation is? Your mother needs some therapy, and by the way, where is your father in all this? Is he just standing there watching all this childish play? OP, do you enjoy watching this jealousy over your child? Something is way off here. If it were me, I would insist that they all take a break from coming to kid activities and tell them you will revisit the situation in 6 months. No earlier. The OP is allowing this situation to continue.

Op here. He is almost as bad as my mom at this point though he did make more effort for awhile.

Basically we are stuck in this awful cycle of “they didn’t say hi” “they looked at me funny” and I’m the one who is dealing with it on both sides and I’m giving them both an ultimatum. Stop or you aren’t invited. At this point, I don’t care who started it because they’re all guilty.

So stop inviting them now. Why wait for the next time? These events aren't worth it.

Op here. At this point I’d have to UNinvite them from an upcoming event, so I’m willing to see how it goes now that they’ve been put on notice

You are an actual adult, right? Just tell them sorry, it's not a good idea. You're just going to go, do the thing, and go home. They shouldn't bother coming. I mean, come on, how many "events" does a young child come? They don't need to be at a weekly soccer game.

[Anonymous]

You’re having this problem now because you haven’t stood up to your parents with firm boundaries. So at the text event, tell them if they don’t behave, they won’t be invited again. And then actually grow a spine and stop inviting them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if your mother's worst transgressions have been calling you afterwards to talk trash, how does your MIL know they don't like them?

OP here. Rolling her eyes at them, walking away from them, refusing to say hi or sit near them.

I’d uninvited your mother to any future events and tell her why. Tell her you’ll reevaluate in a year. And that you will be honest with your kid about why she is not there. “Grandma could not be nice to Nana so she is not welcome to come until she learns to be kind”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What events are we talking about? A 6 year old's attempt a dance class or high graduation? How does each side know when events are scheduled? Because you are telling them!! Just stop 🛑 and take a month long break from these crazy people. They are ALL playing you. And, if DD is sad, tell her the grownups aren't playing nice. Why are you so passive?

OP here. Actually they are asking me (which I already said) and I don’t think bluntly telling them to knock it off is passive.

So the next time they ask, say this is when and where and I am also going to invite the other grandparents. If they come and you can’t get along, YOU will not be invited to the next event. If one set behaves and the other does not, the ones who misbehave will be cut out. Both sets should not be punished if one follows the rules. Reward good behavior, bad behavior has consequences. Just like with kids. Which is how they are acting.

OP here. That was more or less the gist of the conversation. I gave MIL a heads up that my parents may be there and then that’s when she got passive aggressive… I even gave her the option of an alternate event at a location my parents won’t be at, but that’s not the one MIL wanted to go to. So it’s not like she doesn’t have options. But regardless, their paths WILL cross again so everyone needs to get straight on this. I did tell her that if someone can’t behave, they’d no longer be invited.

Not sure I’m following - you told your ILs to behave? Wrong audience - the issue is you dealing with your parents.

OP here. No, I told her that I'm going to tell her the same thing as my mom... and that includes everyone needs to be civil to each other and I'm not going to deal with the before/after drama of who didn't speak to who or who is going to sit where. Basically, I don't want to hear about it from either of them, and I will shut it down from BOTH of them. I acknowledged that it's not a great situation, but if they want to come to events where both sides will be there, but I'm not going to micromanage the interactions, the comings and goings and where people sit because they can't be within 50' of each other. Conversations have started for this event and have occurred in the past of can I come to ABC part and the other set comes to XYZ part? And I played that game once or twice and honestly, it didn't work, because whoever was told to come to ABC part inevitably wanted to come to XYZ part. Also, it incredibly awkward when my MIL wants to talk $hit on my mom. I get it, she's not perfect, but I'm not going to engage and it was going down that path. The same with my mom re: MIL. Very recently she said something negative about her in front of my DH and I and I shut that down too.

It doesn't sound like they are being uncivil to each other. Just both complaining separately to you. So how will you punish them for misbehaving? That solution doesn't address the actual problem.

really, i think the actions OP described her parents taking are uncivil. Now OP is upset because her MIL is complaining about it.

Right, OP is just mad it's her problem now. She just doesn't want to hear about it. Rather than duking it out with each other, they are both putting her in the middle. That's the much bigger issue than eyerolls.

Op here. I feel VERY put in the middle and that’s why I snapped at MIL a bit. All I desperately want is for them to come to DD’s events without there being some issue every time. I’m honestly to the point where I get so anxious leading up to an event I know they will both be at. So now I’m telling both of them, knock it off, or you’re not invited again. This is the last chance. Be civil to each other and do not complain to me before/during/after about the other set, what someone did or didn’t say, who sat where, who spent more time with their grandchild. I can’t handle it anymore. I have a breaking point too.

But this isn’t a both sides are bad issue. This is on your parents. And you refuse to take a real stand here. If you keep telling your parents to be nice and they aren’t, what’s the consequence? Nothing as far as I can see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does the OP understand how CRAZY this situation is? Your mother needs some therapy, and by the way, where is your father in all this? Is he just standing there watching all this childish play? OP, do you enjoy watching this jealousy over your child? Something is way off here. If it were me, I would insist that they all take a break from coming to kid activities and tell them you will revisit the situation in 6 months. No earlier. The OP is allowing this situation to continue.

Op here. He is almost as bad as my mom at this point though he did make more effort for awhile.

Basically we are stuck in this awful cycle of “they didn’t say hi” “they looked at me funny” and I’m the one who is dealing with it on both sides and I’m giving them both an ultimatum. Stop or you aren’t invited. At this point, I don’t care who started it because they’re all guilty.

So stop inviting them now. Why wait for the next time? These events aren't worth it.

Op here. At this point I’d have to UNinvite them from an upcoming event, so I’m willing to see how it goes now that they’ve been put on notice

OMG, you really do enjoy the drama, OP. So what if you have to uninvite them? So what??? What evidence do you have that they will behave better?

[Anonymous]

Your parents have been the problem and they were never uninvited. But now that your ILs are not just taking their crap, your solution is to exclude all of them? Your ILs got pushed to this point because you can't/won't deal with your toxic parents. It is your choice to accept your parents' bad behavior but your ILs aren't required to do so. The ILs are not in the wrong because they refuse the be mistreated.

It's almost like you are the victim of abuse and now angry because others won't silently accept the abuse as well. I have a very good friend whose DH is a complete jerk. To her and also to the rest of us when he drinks. She tries to calm him and she make ls excuses for him but we--her close circle of friends--told her that he is no longer welcome at our group gatherings. We love her but we can no longer watch her DH act rudely to her or others. She is angry and blaming us for escalating things. Your situation seems similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents have been the problem and they were never uninvited. But now that your ILs are not just taking their crap, your solution is to exclude all of them? Your ILs got pushed to this point because you can't/won't deal with your toxic parents. It is your choice to accept your parents' bad behavior but your ILs aren't required to do so. The ILs are not in the wrong because they refuse the be mistreated.

It's almost like you are the victim of abuse and now angry because others won't silently accept the abuse as well. I have a very good friend whose DH is a complete jerk. To her and also to the rest of us when he drinks. She tries to calm him and she make ls excuses for him but we--her close circle of friends--told her that he is no longer welcome at our group gatherings. We love her but we can no longer watch her DH act rudely to her or others. She is angry and blaming us for escalating things. Your situation seems similar.

I’ve been in a similar situation to OP. I let my parents get away with a lot because I was used to putting up with their crap. When MIL pushed back and I started standing up to my parents more, I realized how messed up it was that they were so poorly behaved and there were no consequences. At first I was really irritated at MIL, but she was right, and it sounds like OP’s is too, at least to some extent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents have been the problem and they were never uninvited. But now that your ILs are not just taking their crap, your solution is to exclude all of them? Your ILs got pushed to this point because you can't/won't deal with your toxic parents. It is your choice to accept your parents' bad behavior but your ILs aren't required to do so. The ILs are not in the wrong because they refuse the be mistreated.

It's almost like you are the victim of abuse and now angry because others won't silently accept the abuse as well. I have a very good friend whose DH is a complete jerk. To her and also to the rest of us when he drinks. She tries to calm him and she make ls excuses for him but we--her close circle of friends--told her that he is no longer welcome at our group gatherings. We love her but we can no longer watch her DH act rudely to her or others. She is angry and blaming us for escalating things. Your situation seems similar.

I’ve been in a similar situation to OP. I let my parents get away with a lot because I was used to putting up with their crap. When MIL pushed back and I started standing up to my parents more, I realized how messed up it was that they were so poorly behaved and there were no consequences. At first I was really irritated at MIL, but she was right, and it sounds like OP’s is too, at least to some extent.

This right here.
OP, you aren't angry at your MIL, you are angry at yourself and your parents. Go ahead and let it out! Tell your mom exactly what you think!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents have been the problem and they were never uninvited. But now that your ILs are not just taking their crap, your solution is to exclude all of them? Your ILs got pushed to this point because you can't/won't deal with your toxic parents. It is your choice to accept your parents' bad behavior but your ILs aren't required to do so. The ILs are not in the wrong because they refuse the be mistreated.

It's almost like you are the victim of abuse and now angry because others won't silently accept the abuse as well. I have a very good friend whose DH is a complete jerk. To her and also to the rest of us when he drinks. She tries to calm him and she make ls excuses for him but we--her close circle of friends--told her that he is no longer welcome at our group gatherings. We love her but we can no longer watch her DH act rudely to her or others. She is angry and blaming us for escalating things. Your situation seems similar.

I’ve been in a similar situation to OP. I let my parents get away with a lot because I was used to putting up with their crap. When MIL pushed back and I started standing up to my parents more, I realized how messed up it was that they were so poorly behaved and there were no consequences. At first I was really irritated at MIL, but she was right, and it sounds like OP’s is too, at least to some extent.

This right here.
OP, you aren't angry at your MIL, you are angry at yourself and your parents. Go ahead and let it out! Tell your mom exactly what you think!

PP here. It’s really hard to come to terms with, and I get why OP doesn’t want to. This, along with many other things, all hit me around the same time and made me realize my parents had been severely abusive, mostly emotionally and verbally, but also physically, and that I was an abuse survivor turned enabler. It seems like it would be obvious if you’re being abused, but when it’s your normal, it doesn’t seem abusive. It’s not a fun thing to come to terms with. And then when you realize your adult role in this relationship, that you’re exposing your kids to them (even if they haven’t abused your kids there’s a chance they could start, especially the emotional abuse and manipulation), and that you’re covering for them and trying to smooth things over when they bully and abuse other people, it sucks. When I admitted my MIL is right, that’s the truth I had to face.

If OP’s situation is like mine, and from what I’ve read there are similarities, she might not be ready to tackle that. It’s a lot. And if OP is like me, used to being the person who takes a lot of crap for everyone and dealing with it silently without taking time for self care, she might not know how to stand up to her parents without hurting herself too. I had to work through it with a therapist and learn that it’s okay to stand up for myself, to stand up to bullies and abusers rather than enable them. It’s hard. If that’s how it is for OP, she has my sympathy and support.

[Anonymous]

Instead, OP is insisting she give the parents ONE LAST CHANCE to behave. You are wasting your breath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if your mother's worst transgressions have been calling you afterwards to talk trash, how does your MIL know they don't like them?

OP here. Rolling her eyes at them, walking away from them, refusing to say hi or sit near them.

I’d uninvited your mother to any future events and tell her why. Tell her you’ll reevaluate in a year. And that you will be honest with your kid about why she is not there. “Grandma could not be nice to Nana so she is not welcome to come until she learns to be kind”.

Agree. OP this behavior from your parents is completely unreasonable and unacceptable. Yes, uninvite them to the upcoming event and take a break from inviting them for a couple of months. Apologize to your MIL. After a reasonable break period, invite one set of grandparents only per event until something major like a high school graduation.