Parents and ILs Don't Get Along

[Anonymous]

Op, it is also naive to expect people to repeatedly look the other way when someone is rude. You admit your parents can be mean. You need to accept reality and just see them separately. Your children are better off not being around this. You are creating unneeded stress and drama by inviting everyone to everything and it will not go well. Stop making the same mistake.

[Anonymous]

Why do you care if they are miffed? Why is it so important to make everyone happy. People are being rude and you’re more focused on making sure no one is miffed. What is the worst that will happen? Your parents will abandon you? Stop trying to manage mommy & daddy’s feelings. You’re an adult with your own family. Let your parents stew in some discomfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what’s your plan when—out of earshot—there’s some kind of kerfuffle, and it turns into Parents Said vs. ILs Said? Are you prepared to tell your parents they are not invited to future events because “Evelyn said you stuck out your tongue at her?” You are about to put yourself in a position to believe one version of events over another. And to be honest it doesn’t sound like either set of grandparents is above twisting words or pushing an agenda if it suits them, knowing that if they “win” they get future events to themselves.

OP here. I guess I don’t know. That’s why I’m here asking advice. I feel kind of stuck and am trying to set boundaries, which I am admittedly not good at. What are your thoughts?

My thoughts are, unfortunately, that you shouldn't invite both sets to things. They've proven they can't behave themselves, and you shouldn't put yourself in a position of being referee or making a judgment call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone have to go to every one of your daughter's events? Just keep it to yourselves and stop inviting everyone.

This. And if they ask why you didn't invite them, state that they are acting like children and make DD's events too stressful. Keep doing this until they can behave.

When an adult acts like a child, treat them that way.

OP here. I don't invite them to everything. I actually didn't invite any of them to something recently and they were miffed. This particular event they both are aware of and expressed interest in coming.

The inlaws were fine but the OP parent has them at a breaking point. Our behavior is expected to be cordial as if the inlaw is an obnoxious but lucrative client. We suck it up and comply and function as a buffer for the couple at their request. That is for local stuff only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone have to go to every one of your daughter's events? Just keep it to yourselves and stop inviting everyone.

This. And if they ask why you didn't invite them, state that they are acting like children and make DD's events too stressful. Keep doing this until they can behave.

When an adult acts like a child, treat them that way.

OP here. I don't invite them to everything. I actually didn't invite any of them to something recently and they were miffed. This particular event they both are aware of and expressed interest in coming.

So what? Let them be miffed. That said, you need to be a role model for your kids. If your parents are treating inlaws unfairly, speak up and ask your parents to be polite. It doesn't matter if it escalates things. Pretending like it isn't a problem, contributes to the problem. You cannot change them, but you can let them know you see the mean behavior and you don't find it acceptable. You want your kids to defend people who are treated unfairly right? Even adults need to stand up for eachother. It's not playing favorites.

Lecturing both sides on being grownups when one side is being nasty and the other side finally responds is insane.

Also, eliminate the problems by simply dividing things up. In the workplace some people cannot work together so you simply don't put them on teams together. Adults absolutely will backstab, undermine, etc. You don't need to be a referee, but if you see injustice, speak up.

[Anonymous]

I don't get why you want to expose your kid to toxic people (your parents)

[Anonymous]

If it makes MIL feel better, tell her you yelled at your mom the same way. Both are grown adults. Deal with it. Stay happy or they will ruin too many things for your future. Wait till grandkids come. oh man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it makes MIL feel better, tell her you yelled at your mom the same way. Both are grown adults. Deal with it. Stay happy or they will ruin too many things for your future. Wait till grandkids come. oh man.

OP here. Wait till grandkids come? They are here and that's what's causing all of the issues.

[Anonymous]

It seems to me you are expecting your in-laws to always take the high road since your parents are jerks and you don’t want to address their behavior. That’s not right. You need to address your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it makes MIL feel better, tell her you yelled at your mom the same way. Both are grown adults. Deal with it. Stay happy or they will ruin too many things for your future. Wait till grandkids come. oh man.

OP here. Wait till grandkids come? They are here and that's what's causing all of the issues.

So what's getting in the way of you setting some clear boundaries with your parents to shut down their unacceptable behavior? If all you do tolerate them and do nothing other than say "Hey don't do that" without any real consequences, why should they change their behavior?

Sure, you're setting boundaries, but you're failing with accountability. Boundaries are meant to be tested. You're letting your parents blow right past them. When are you going to hold them accountable, meaning you're shutting down the attendance at events?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it makes MIL feel better, tell her you yelled at your mom the same way. Both are grown adults. Deal with it. Stay happy or they will ruin too many things for your future. Wait till grandkids come. oh man.

OP here. Wait till grandkids come? They are here and that's what's causing all of the issues.

So what's getting in the way of you setting some clear boundaries with your parents to shut down their unacceptable behavior? If all you do tolerate them and do nothing other than say "Hey don't do that" without any real consequences, why should they change their behavior?

Sure, you're setting boundaries, but you're failing with accountability. Boundaries are meant to be tested. You're letting your parents blow right past them. When are you going to hold them accountable, meaning you're shutting down the attendance at events?

This. You want to say they are all being babies, but adults set boundaries and keep them and they also don't ignore mean spirited behavior toward people they care about. If you see your parents being rude to your inlaws unprovoked, address it with them. It may be your parents think your inlaws started it and it may be you don't know who is at fault. In that case you give a choice. They can come, but will need to just avoid the other or separate events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've posted about this before. My parents and ILs don't like each other. I think it's mostly my parents that have caused the problem over the years, but my ILs are now being almost as problematic as them. Playing the victim, "we'll sit by ourselves since your parents don't like us and you can sit with them" at events for my DD. I'm kind of at my wits end with all of them. After the last time, I very bluntly told my MIL that I'm not dealing with it anymore. I'm not concerning myself with who sits where and I expect all four of them to be civil or they will no longer be invited to things. They will be a part of each other's lives for many years to come and will have to see each other occasionally. They don't have to be friends, but everyone needs to grow up and do what's best for their grandchild ... and honestly for DH and me too because I get so anxious at events where I know they will both be there. And I will not just invite one set and not the other.

I can tell MIL is hurt and now I feel a bit bad like I snapped at her (when she's historically been less of a problem than my mom) but I think it needed to be said. Am I out of line?

Honest question . . . do you think your MIL was playing a victim here, or was she following your actions (not pushing back on your parents, who are the toxic ones) to their logical conclusion? If you are de factor prioritizing your parents by allowing them to sit with you and ostracize your ILs, then what else is MIL supposed to do? She could have been more direct and asked you to intervene more with your parents, but I don't see that she really did anything wrong here.

I do wonder if you've lashed out at the "safe" grandparent because the other grandparents can't be reasoned with, like when a teenager lashes out at the stable parent knowing that the other alcoholic or abusive parent cannot take their negative feelings.

[Anonymous]

If my parents caused the problem, I would tell them to cut that sh*t out, grow up, and stop making things hard on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've posted about this before. My parents and ILs don't like each other. I think it's mostly my parents that have caused the problem over the years, but my ILs are now being almost as problematic as them. Playing the victim, "we'll sit by ourselves since your parents don't like us and you can sit with them" at events for my DD. I'm kind of at my wits end with all of them. After the last time, I very bluntly told my MIL that I'm not dealing with it anymore. I'm not concerning myself with who sits where and I expect all four of them to be civil or they will no longer be invited to things. They will be a part of each other's lives for many years to come and will have to see each other occasionally. They don't have to be friends, but everyone needs to grow up and do what's best for their grandchild ... and honestly for DH and me too because I get so anxious at events where I know they will both be there. And I will not just invite one set and not the other.

I can tell MIL is hurt and now I feel a bit bad like I snapped at her (when she's historically been less of a problem than my mom) but I think it needed to be said. Am I out of line?

Honest question . . . do you think your MIL was playing a victim here, or was she following your actions (not pushing back on your parents, who are the toxic ones) to their logical conclusion? If you are de factor prioritizing your parents by allowing them to sit with you and ostracize your ILs, then what else is MIL supposed to do? She could have been more direct and asked you to intervene more with your parents, but I don't see that she really did anything wrong here.

I do wonder if you've lashed out at the "safe" grandparent because the other grandparents can't be reasoned with, like when a teenager lashes out at the stable parent knowing that the other alcoholic or abusive parent cannot take their negative feelings.

Not OP, but I have posted before and i think this is very insightful.Yes, I think it was unreasonable to lash out at your inlaws. You have magical thinking if you assume everyone is going to be there in harmony based on what you have shared about your parents. Mature behavior involves being realistic and accountable. Apologize to your inlaws. Decide with your husband what your boundaries will be. Have some perspective about your daughter.Trauma is witnessing a murder, being abused by parents, watching a loved one die of cancer. Trauma is not about not being able to have both sets of grandparents at every event.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry...the adults should act like adults and do what's best for you and your child.

My son is marrying my best friend's daughter. We are all like one big family anyway, so it's easy for me to say, but I would do whatever it took to make my child's life better, including pretending I like someone and keeping the peace with in laws. I can't imagine how hard it would be if we all didn't get along.

Although I don't particularly care for my best friend's husband (for a few reasons), we all get along, we have fun together, are having a blast planning a wedding, etc. I KNOW if means a lot to the kids and my future daughter in law has commented several times how she loves having both of her "families" together alot.

So many parents think parenting stops when the kids turn 18, and in reality it continues until the day we die, and if they don't get along, they are being selfish.