Parents and ILs Don't Get Along
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Anonymous
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I've posted about this before. My parents and ILs don't like each other. I think it's mostly my parents that have caused the problem over the years, but my ILs are now being almost as problematic as them. Playing the victim, "we'll sit by ourselves since your parents don't like us and you can sit with them" at events for my DD. I'm kind of at my wits end with all of them. After the last time, I very bluntly told my MIL that I'm not dealing with it anymore. I'm not concerning myself with who sits where and I expect all four of them to be civil or they will no longer be invited to things. They will be a part of each other's lives for many years to come and will have to see each other occasionally. They don't have to be friends, but everyone needs to grow up and do what's best for their grandchild ... and honestly for DH and me too because I get so anxious at events where I know they will both be there. And I will not just invite one set and not the other.
I can tell MIL is hurt and now I feel a bit bad like I snapped at her (when she's historically been less of a problem than my mom) but I think it needed to be said. Am I out of line? |
Anonymous
| Why does everyone have to go to every one of your daughter's events? Just keep it to yourselves and stop inviting everyone. |
Anonymous
+1 They don’t all need to attend everything. I’d invite them separately, and not to every single event either. For important events obviously they will have to get along but need not be best friends. Usually those events have other friends and relatives around as a buffer which helps. |
Anonymous
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I know you've posted before. I do think that given your parents are more of the problem, it's unfair to snap at your inlaws.
I'd suggest saying something like, I'm sorry I snapped. I know my parents are difficult. I so appreciate that you all aren't. I cannot solve this problem, though. They are always going to be like this. It would be so helpful if you just didn't take it personally. That's just how they are. Maybe, if you feel like it, add in something like, it's hard to deal with my parents, I know. But we're so glad to have you here and just ignore them. Or have your husband say to them, listen, this is hard enough for Larla. She can't control her parents - this is who they are. We - she - deals with it by ignoring their bad behavior. For the kids' sakes, and for Larla, it would help if you could just not feed into the crazy. Thanks. |
Anonymous
This. And if they ask why you didn't invite them, state that they are acting like children and make DD's events too stressful. Keep doing this until they can behave. When an adult acts like a child, treat them that way. |
Anonymous
OP here. I don't invite them to everything. I actually didn't invite any of them to something recently and they were miffed. This particular event they both are aware of and expressed interest in coming. |
Anonymous
OP here. I did let MIL know that I would have the same conversation with my parents before this event. I have acknowledged my frustration with my parents to my ILs as well, but I really need all of them to hear that I expect them to say hello and be civil if they see each other. And also, I am done playing the "who is sitting with who" game and when will each set of grandparents get their designated time to say hello to DD after the even without the other one present and for how long, etc. It's exhausting and I don't like the expectations they put on DD either. |
Anonymous
| Sometimes adults behave in very immature ways. It is unrealistic of you to expect people who hate eachother to get alone. Either invite them all and let those who don't want to be there decline or take turns. If they all decide to to come to an event knowing the other is there just respect the fact they dislike eachother. Don't push them together. Let them chose opposite sides of the room. If they complain about eachother just remove yourself from the conversation. You don't get to tell them how to behave. All you get to do is set your boundaries. If it's too stressful having them all at an event, take turns. |
Anonymous
OP here. I don't care if they hate each other but they both want to come to alllllllll the things and then run me through the ringer leading up to it and often afterwards too by complaining about the other or how I handled the event. I know I can just tell them that they can't come to something or not invite them, but DD loves it when they come. She loves knowing that they came to see her. I'm not going to take that away from her. They don't have to have a conversation even. Just a hello or not even rolling their eyes would be a start. And both sets want to sit with us, so that's always a thing too. I'm just over it. I have to deal with people I don't care for all of the time and can be civil. They need to suck it up and stop making it about them. |
Anonymous
| You’re fine. She gave you a passive aggressive little dig, and guess what? Sometimes when you dig, you find something you don’t like. Don’t want to find something you don’t like, stop digging. You’re fine. She deserved a little reminder that you aren’t anybody’s punching bag. If she has a problem with your parents, she can take it up directly with them; you are all grown adults. |
Anonymous
This is an insane idea. OP is already trying to manage four adults who are acting like mean girls to each other. This would have her managing their calendars and complaints from whichever set isn't invited. OP just invite them and let the chips fall where they may. If there's a point in time where you and your husband can get all four of them together and say enough then that's probably a good idea. If you threaten not to invite them then make sure you are willing to follow through. |
Anonymous
| What events are we talking about? A 6 year old's attempt a dance class or high graduation? How does each side know when events are scheduled? Because you are telling them!! Just stop 🛑 and take a month long break from these crazy people. They are ALL playing you. And, if DD is sad, tell her the grownups aren't playing nice. Why are you so passive? |
Anonymous
Normally I agree with the idea that each person manage their own parents, but in this case I kind of think your husband should take the lead and read them all the riot act. Because yeah, it's hard or impossible to exclude them if your daughter wants them there, but no one should be calling you beforehand, complaining about the other, or complaining about how you're managing everything. And everyone doesn't need to sit together, and for sure if anyone is timing how long they are talking to their granddaughter they can eff off. I'm not listening to that and neither should you. |
Anonymous
OP here. Actually they are asking me (which I already said) and I don’t think bluntly telling them to knock it off is passive. |
Anonymous
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I would figure out with your husband what boundaries you want. You can either invite them all and make it clear you cannot be a mediator or you can invite them to separate events. (Your daughter will be fine-really. It's great she is oblivious to the tension now, but if she is an emotionally in tune kid she will pick it up eventually and it will stress her out).
I have a relative I don't like for very valid reasons. I do not bring anyone into that. I do decline invites if I think she will be there because I have too much going on in my life for the constant digs and manipulation and she will seek me out. When life is less stressful I attend and just avoid her and smile when she finds me and insults me and then make an excuse to move away. Some relatives have reached out on their own and we see them without her. I don't badmouth her, but I am happier not seeing her. |