MIL wants to take kids out of the country without us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During a Facetime call, my SIL tells DH that their mom would like to bring the kids to visit SIL who lives overseas in Europe over the summer. MIL was also on the call. My kids will be 8 and 10 during the summer. My MIL is 75 and divorced. My SIL (not married, no kids) has been recovering from a long term injury and uses crutches and has some mobility issues. My DH responded that they should talk to me about the kids schedule. I said no, the kids would not be going out of the country without us. They got quiet and changed the subject but I know the discussion is not over. They will try to talk to DH at a time when I am not present and beg him to try to persuade me to change my mind. If this persists, I want to respectfully say no and not create animosity.

First off, I am not comfortable having anyone take my kids out of the country. It has nothing to do with how much I trust my MIL. I wouldn't let anyone in my family take them either. My MIL is 75 and I would not risk a situation where she has a medical emergency and my kids are in another country with no one to bring them home. I don't want to risk a situation where one of the kids has a medical emergency and is in a hospital in another country and we are that far away from them.

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

Putting aside any issues about who is paying for it, am I being unreasonable to say no?

Wow, they really ambushed you.

No no no.

How is this an ambush? What approach would NOT have been an ambush?

mIL and SIL obviously colluded beforehand.

And prob knew the husband is a silent pushover.

So yeah, they ambushed OP on a Group FaceTime. Put her, on purpose, in the Bad Cop position.

Disgusting.

Way to project your experiences on this situation.

They colluded and then got in a 3 way zoom talk to skip it in.

Pushover husband punted the answer entirely to his wife. Real-time!

I don’t think you know what collusion is.

It’s pretty clear SIL, who did the speaking, colluded with MIL before they ambushed OP, her spouse and kids on the FaceTime.

Thank god camp sign up is this week. Oops, can’t go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So they did NOT invite the mother or father during their take the children summer vacation request, correct?

Lol

Guess it, otherwise they would have led with that and offered to take the children second. Not very slick.
They didn’t even mention basic stuff like lodging. Maybe SIL lives in a 3 BR house or flat in Europe, those are common right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ds visited my parents for multiple trips to Canada when he was age 5 and up. No issues with it, though that’s obviously a little closer. I think most moms today are way over anxious about this stuff sorry. All that said, it’s ultimately your decision and I think it’s reasonable to say no.

And I also think it’s wrong of you to be criticizing your MIL SIL and DH about them wanting to this. As another Pp said it’s from a place of kindness. Why think the worst about them?? Why wouldn’t your response be “guys, I love this idea and I love that you are thinking about how to strengthen your relationships with DS and connect him with his family and heritage. But to be honest I’m a little uncomfortable with him being that far away from home at this age, so sadly it’s a no for now. But can we reconsider in a couple years?”

+1. It’s kind of them to ask, and it’s reasonable for OP to say no.

FWIW, one of my aunts took me to visit another aunt in a foreign country when I was a pre-teen, and we had a blast. The government of the country was overthrown in a coup not too long after I visited, so it wasn’t exactly Canada, either. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ds visited my parents for multiple trips to Canada when he was age 5 and up. No issues with it, though that’s obviously a little closer. I think most moms today are way over anxious about this stuff sorry. All that said, it’s ultimately your decision and I think it’s reasonable to say no.

And I also think it’s wrong of you to be criticizing your MIL SIL and DH about them wanting to this. As another Pp said it’s from a place of kindness. Why think the worst about them?? Why wouldn’t your response be “guys, I love this idea and I love that you are thinking about how to strengthen your relationships with DS and connect him with his family and heritage. But to be honest I’m a little uncomfortable with him being that far away from home at this age, so sadly it’s a no for now. But can we reconsider in a couple years?”

+1. It’s kind of them to ask, and it’s reasonable for OP to say no.

FWIW, one of my aunts took me to visit another aunt in a foreign country when I was a pre-teen, and we had a blast. The government of the country was overthrown in a coup not too long after I visited, so it wasn’t exactly Canada, either. YMMV.

+1 If MiL is competent I think it’s a wonderful opportunity for OP’s kids. 8 and 10 aren’t infants. The parents of a good friend of mine takes her grandchildren on a special trip each summer starting when the oldest was 9 or 10. Grandkids and grandparents have an amazing time, my good friends get couple time alone and work time and all is well. I would do it if my parents were healthy enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During a Facetime call, my SIL tells DH that their mom would like to bring the kids to visit SIL who lives overseas in Europe over the summer. MIL was also on the call. My kids will be 8 and 10 during the summer. My MIL is 75 and divorced. My SIL (not married, no kids) has been recovering from a long term injury and uses crutches and has some mobility issues. My DH responded that they should talk to me about the kids schedule. I said no, the kids would not be going out of the country without us. They got quiet and changed the subject but I know the discussion is not over. They will try to talk to DH at a time when I am not present and beg him to try to persuade me to change my mind. If this persists, I want to respectfully say no and not create animosity.

First off, I am not comfortable having anyone take my kids out of the country. It has nothing to do with how much I trust my MIL. I wouldn't let anyone in my family take them either. My MIL is 75 and I would not risk a situation where she has a medical emergency and my kids are in another country with no one to bring them home. I don't want to risk a situation where one of the kids has a medical emergency and is in a hospital in another country and we are that far away from them.

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

Putting aside any issues about who is paying for it, am I being unreasonable to say no?

Wow, they really ambushed you.

No no no.

How is this an ambush? What approach would NOT have been an ambush?

mIL and SIL obviously colluded beforehand.

And prob knew the husband is a silent pushover.

So yeah, they ambushed OP on a Group FaceTime. Put her, on purpose, in the Bad Cop position.

Disgusting.

Way to project your experiences on this situation.

They colluded and then got in a 3 way zoom talk to skip it in.

Pushover husband punted the answer entirely to his wife. Real-time!

I don’t think you know what collusion is.

It’s pretty clear SIL, who did the speaking, colluded with MIL before they ambushed OP, her spouse and kids on the FaceTime.

Thank god camp sign up is this week. Oops, can’t go!

Continuing to use charged words without explaining does nothing.

“MIL and SIL discussed the idea of offering to take the kids on an adventure to make sure they both were up for it before making the generous offer to the parents in order to avoid confusion.”

See how that works?

[Anonymous]

Are you the poster whose SIL needed to have surgery and wanted to stay in your home while she recuperated and couldn’t walk for weeks, along with your MIL? If so, it sounds like there is already a history of overstepping with those two. Just curious, how did that situation end?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ds visited my parents for multiple trips to Canada when he was age 5 and up. No issues with it, though that’s obviously a little closer. I think most moms today are way over anxious about this stuff sorry. All that said, it’s ultimately your decision and I think it’s reasonable to say no.

And I also think it’s wrong of you to be criticizing your MIL SIL and DH about them wanting to this. As another Pp said it’s from a place of kindness. Why think the worst about them?? Why wouldn’t your response be “guys, I love this idea and I love that you are thinking about how to strengthen your relationships with DS and connect him with his family and heritage. But to be honest I’m a little uncomfortable with him being that far away from home at this age, so sadly it’s a no for now. But can we reconsider in a couple years?”

+1. It’s kind of them to ask, and it’s reasonable for OP to say no.

FWIW, one of my aunts took me to visit another aunt in a foreign country when I was a pre-teen, and we had a blast. The government of the country was overthrown in a coup not too long after I visited, so it wasn’t exactly Canada, either. YMMV.

+1 If MiL is competent I think it’s a wonderful opportunity for OP’s kids. 8 and 10 aren’t infants. The parents of a good friend of mine takes her grandchildren on a special trip each summer starting when the oldest was 9 or 10. Grandkids and grandparents have an amazing time, my good friends get couple time alone and work time and all is well. I would do it if my parents were healthy enough.

This. The responses to this thread are bonkers. The language over the top. Elderly, disabled, squeezed in a tiny condo, coups, ambush, collusion…. You all seriously hate your MILs or you are all clinically anxious. Op has every right to say no, but the responses here demonstrate a way deeper pathology than just rational caution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Everyone involved is American. SIL just lives and works overseas. We take trips with them and the kids overseas almost once a year. DH is a pushover and gives in regularly to demands from MIL and SIL that overstep normal boundaries. The FaceTime call included the kids so no, it was not a private conversation. I don’t think they had bad intentions but they often request things from us and then act offended if we say no. Last year, SIL requested to stay with us, along with MIL for 3 weeks during the last month of school when i already had my own family coming for a week right after. When I suggested another time, it didn’t go over well.

I’m fine doing a trip with them over the summer as long as we can get some separate time alone as a family. I would be okay if the kids stayed with her for a weekend while my husband and I traveled somewhere nearby. I’m just not okay with parents being across the ocean. I wouldn’t want my husband to go without me either. They simply want the experience of being alone with the kids.

I appreciate the responses because this is what I needed to know I wasn’t being unreasonable.

I wouldn’t be ok with this either OP and I absolutely love my MIL!

I think there are two problems here - one your husband (obviously) and two, the fact that you are bothered by your in laws being upset with you. The difference I think between you and me is that if my in laws were mad at me, I would be confident enough in my own judgment and read of the situation to know that I am being unreasonable and to stand my ground without worry. I think you need to think about your own sensitivity here and why it bothers you so much that saying no “didn’t go over well.” This doesn’t mean you can’t be a kind, thoughtful, helpful, loving relative! You can be all of those things, and still let it roll off your back when your (reasonable, justified) actions upset someone else.

[Anonymous]

I posted similar thing but about a Disney cruise - posters seemed happier about that but I am still on the fence and I feel this

[Anonymous]

You have a DH problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the poster whose SIL needed to have surgery and wanted to stay in your home while she recuperated and couldn’t walk for weeks, along with your MIL? If so, it sounds like there is already a history of overstepping with those two. Just curious, how did that situation end?

As written, that doesn’t sound like overstepping… sounds like what you do for close family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ds visited my parents for multiple trips to Canada when he was age 5 and up. No issues with it, though that’s obviously a little closer. I think most moms today are way over anxious about this stuff sorry. All that said, it’s ultimately your decision and I think it’s reasonable to say no.

And I also think it’s wrong of you to be criticizing your MIL SIL and DH about them wanting to this. As another Pp said it’s from a place of kindness. Why think the worst about them?? Why wouldn’t your response be “guys, I love this idea and I love that you are thinking about how to strengthen your relationships with DS and connect him with his family and heritage. But to be honest I’m a little uncomfortable with him being that far away from home at this age, so sadly it’s a no for now. But can we reconsider in a couple years?”

+1. It’s kind of them to ask, and it’s reasonable for OP to say no.

FWIW, one of my aunts took me to visit another aunt in a foreign country when I was a pre-teen, and we had a blast. The government of the country was overthrown in a coup not too long after I visited, so it wasn’t exactly Canada, either. YMMV.

+1 If MiL is competent I think it’s a wonderful opportunity for OP’s kids. 8 and 10 aren’t infants. The parents of a good friend of mine takes her grandchildren on a special trip each summer starting when the oldest was 9 or 10. Grandkids and grandparents have an amazing time, my good friends get couple time alone and work time and all is well. I would do it if my parents were healthy enough.

This. The responses to this thread are bonkers. The language over the top. Elderly, disabled, squeezed in a tiny condo, coups, ambush, collusion…. You all seriously hate your MILs or you are all clinically anxious. Op has every right to say no, but the responses here demonstrate a way deeper pathology than just rational caution.

+4 As PP said, it's reasonable to say, "Thanks for the offer but could we reconsider this when the kids are a little older?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ds visited my parents for multiple trips to Canada when he was age 5 and up. No issues with it, though that’s obviously a little closer. I think most moms today are way over anxious about this stuff sorry. All that said, it’s ultimately your decision and I think it’s reasonable to say no.

And I also think it’s wrong of you to be criticizing your MIL SIL and DH about them wanting to this. As another Pp said it’s from a place of kindness. Why think the worst about them?? Why wouldn’t your response be “guys, I love this idea and I love that you are thinking about how to strengthen your relationships with DS and connect him with his family and heritage. But to be honest I’m a little uncomfortable with him being that far away from home at this age, so sadly it’s a no for now. But can we reconsider in a couple years?”

+1. It’s kind of them to ask, and it’s reasonable for OP to say no.

FWIW, one of my aunts took me to visit another aunt in a foreign country when I was a pre-teen, and we had a blast. The government of the country was overthrown in a coup not too long after I visited, so it wasn’t exactly Canada, either. YMMV.

+1 If MiL is competent I think it’s a wonderful opportunity for OP’s kids. 8 and 10 aren’t infants. The parents of a good friend of mine takes her grandchildren on a special trip each summer starting when the oldest was 9 or 10. Grandkids and grandparents have an amazing time, my good friends get couple time alone and work time and all is well. I would do it if my parents were healthy enough.

This. The responses to this thread are bonkers. The language over the top. Elderly, disabled, squeezed in a tiny condo, coups, ambush, collusion…. You all seriously hate your MILs or you are all clinically anxious. Op has every right to say no, but the responses here demonstrate a way deeper pathology than just rational caution.

+4 As PP said, it's reasonable to say, "Thanks for the offer but could we reconsider this when the kids are a little older?"

+1. Seriously. As someone who didn’t travel overseas until I was in my 20s because my parents couldn’t afford it, I’m surprised very few people on this thread even acknowledge what a generous gift the MIL is offering and that these are the types of trips that are really special memories once the grandparents are no longer with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ds visited my parents for multiple trips to Canada when he was age 5 and up. No issues with it, though that’s obviously a little closer. I think most moms today are way over anxious about this stuff sorry. All that said, it’s ultimately your decision and I think it’s reasonable to say no.

And I also think it’s wrong of you to be criticizing your MIL SIL and DH about them wanting to this. As another Pp said it’s from a place of kindness. Why think the worst about them?? Why wouldn’t your response be “guys, I love this idea and I love that you are thinking about how to strengthen your relationships with DS and connect him with his family and heritage. But to be honest I’m a little uncomfortable with him being that far away from home at this age, so sadly it’s a no for now. But can we reconsider in a couple years?”

+1. It’s kind of them to ask, and it’s reasonable for OP to say no.

FWIW, one of my aunts took me to visit another aunt in a foreign country when I was a pre-teen, and we had a blast. The government of the country was overthrown in a coup not too long after I visited, so it wasn’t exactly Canada, either. YMMV.

+1 If MiL is competent I think it’s a wonderful opportunity for OP’s kids. 8 and 10 aren’t infants. The parents of a good friend of mine takes her grandchildren on a special trip each summer starting when the oldest was 9 or 10. Grandkids and grandparents have an amazing time, my good friends get couple time alone and work time and all is well. I would do it if my parents were healthy enough.

This. The responses to this thread are bonkers. The language over the top. Elderly, disabled, squeezed in a tiny condo, coups, ambush, collusion…. You all seriously hate your MILs or you are all clinically anxious. Op has every right to say no, but the responses here demonstrate a way deeper pathology than just rational caution.

+4 As PP said, it's reasonable to say, "Thanks for the offer but could we reconsider this when the kids are a little older?"

+1. Seriously. As someone who didn’t travel overseas until I was in my 20s because my parents couldn’t afford it, I’m surprised very few people on this thread even acknowledge what a generous gift the MIL is offering and that these are the types of trips that are really special memories once the grandparents are no longer with us.

This isn’t relevant to OP - she and the kids go overseas almost every year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ds visited my parents for multiple trips to Canada when he was age 5 and up. No issues with it, though that’s obviously a little closer. I think most moms today are way over anxious about this stuff sorry. All that said, it’s ultimately your decision and I think it’s reasonable to say no.

And I also think it’s wrong of you to be criticizing your MIL SIL and DH about them wanting to this. As another Pp said it’s from a place of kindness. Why think the worst about them?? Why wouldn’t your response be “guys, I love this idea and I love that you are thinking about how to strengthen your relationships with DS and connect him with his family and heritage. But to be honest I’m a little uncomfortable with him being that far away from home at this age, so sadly it’s a no for now. But can we reconsider in a couple years?”

+1. It’s kind of them to ask, and it’s reasonable for OP to say no.

FWIW, one of my aunts took me to visit another aunt in a foreign country when I was a pre-teen, and we had a blast. The government of the country was overthrown in a coup not too long after I visited, so it wasn’t exactly Canada, either. YMMV.

+1 If MiL is competent I think it’s a wonderful opportunity for OP’s kids. 8 and 10 aren’t infants. The parents of a good friend of mine takes her grandchildren on a special trip each summer starting when the oldest was 9 or 10. Grandkids and grandparents have an amazing time, my good friends get couple time alone and work time and all is well. I would do it if my parents were healthy enough.

We were traveling in Europe earlier this year and there were some awesome grandparents staying at our hotel who were on a special trip like this with their 4 grandkids. It inspired me to want to do the same one day. Hope my kids’ one day spouses are not as uptight as op.