MIL wants to take kids out of the country without us

[Anonymous]

Your first talk is with DH about why he threw you under the bus like that. He may not have meant to do so and may honestly have been caught off guard by the whole thing, and blurting about the kids' schedule was all he could think of. It sounds like SIL blindsided you both with this idea. BUT from now on DH, not you, handles the communication and has to recognize that his family is his to handle and he can't let you be the villain.

Even if this trip were within the US, even if were to the state next to mine, I'd say no just based on MIL's age and the fact SIL has health issues. Just nope. Not with kids those ages. You are right, OP. Don't let them guilt you into this. I'd bet they're going to go on about how you're depriving the kids of a wonderful opportunity, and/or they did the same at the kids' ages visiting relatives solo, or they'll say you're unduly paranoid etc. Don't cave to any of that. Paste on a big smile and change the subject Every. Single. Time. Do not make any vague promises to get them to stop, either; don't let DH say things like "Well, maybe next year" or "WE'll see about maybe atrip at Christmas" etc. Nope. That will only be taken by them as a "yes" to eventual travel when you cannot know at this point if you'll do this later, either.

If you and DH can go make a family trip of it that's great, or if you OR DH could go alone, but not that distance with an older MIL and a SIL with health issues. Just nope.

[Anonymous]

I can think of a few situations when I would let my kids go out of the country without me, but this isn't one of them. Either the kids being so young and the MIL being 75 would probably be enough for me to say no, but combined would definitely be a hard no. At that age my kids would do trips to visit our families a few states away, but that's as much as I was comfortable with. If they were more seasoned travelers and fluent in the language there, if they were older, if the adults were younger and more mobile, that might change things.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter how extended family feel about your decision. That's a huge ask. I get grandma wanting to give grandkids an opportunity to travel, and it's nice of her to offer. However, pressuring you or undermining you isn't okay and would be a problem. DH needs to get on the same page and be a united front with you, and you should probably mention to MIL not to tell the kids about it since it's not happening. (My mom would totally talk it up to the kids and then say how she wishes she could take them but mommy won't let you go.)

[Anonymous]

Hmmm....I would probably have allowed my parents to take my kids out of the country when they were that age. They took them many places across the country when they were that age. DH and I were thrilled that they got to do exciting things and build relationships with their grandparents and we got some kid-free time.

HOWEVER, I realize that it feels like a lot and you should have no concerns about saying no if you are not comfortable with it. You're the parent, you can decide. No big deal.

But please don't think that the MIL did something wrong by suggesting it. It likely comes from a good place. It isn't a crazy request (offer?) just as it isn't crazy to decline it.

[Anonymous]

Another no over here. My 42 year old cousin died of a massive heart attack while on vacation with his young son and wife. Anything can happen. Err on side of caution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your first talk is with DH about why he threw you under the bus like that. He may not have meant to do so and may honestly have been caught off guard by the whole thing, and blurting about the kids' schedule was all he could think of. It sounds like SIL blindsided you both with this idea. BUT from now on DH, not you, handles the communication and has to recognize that his family is his to handle and he can't let you be the villain.

Even if this trip were within the US, even if were to the state next to mine, I'd say no just based on MIL's age and the fact SIL has health issues. Just nope. Not with kids those ages. You are right, OP. Don't let them guilt you into this. I'd bet they're going to go on about how you're depriving the kids of a wonderful opportunity, and/or they did the same at the kids' ages visiting relatives solo, or they'll say you're unduly paranoid etc. Don't cave to any of that. Paste on a big smile and change the subject Every. Single. Time. Do not make any vague promises to get them to stop, either; don't let DH say things like "Well, maybe next year" or "WE'll see about maybe atrip at Christmas" etc. Nope. That will only be taken by them as a "yes" to eventual travel when you cannot know at this point if you'll do this later, either.

If you and DH can go make a family trip of it that's great, or if you OR DH could go alone, but not that distance with an older MIL and a SIL with health issues. Just nope.

Wise answer here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:During a Facetime call, my SIL tells DH that their mom would like to bring the kids to visit SIL who lives overseas in Europe over the summer. MIL was also on the call. My kids will be 8 and 10 during the summer. My MIL is 75 and divorced. My SIL (not married, no kids) has been recovering from a long term injury and uses crutches and has some mobility issues. My DH responded that they should talk to me about the kids schedule. I said no, the kids would not be going out of the country without us. They got quiet and changed the subject but I know the discussion is not over. They will try to talk to DH at a time when I am not present and beg him to try to persuade me to change my mind. If this persists, I want to respectfully say no and not create animosity.

First off, I am not comfortable having anyone take my kids out of the country. It has nothing to do with how much I trust my MIL. I wouldn't let anyone in my family take them either. My MIL is 75 and I would not risk a situation where she has a medical emergency and my kids are in another country with no one to bring them home. I don't want to risk a situation where one of the kids has a medical emergency and is in a hospital in another country and we are that far away from them.

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

Putting aside any issues about who is paying for it, am I being unreasonable to say no?

Wow, they really ambushed you.

No no no.

[Anonymous]

My kids at that age wouldn’t have been comfortable either. It’s prob give one anxiety, she even hates sleepovers and needs her sleep.

[Anonymous]

What country is this? Our Turkish relatives think our non Mediterranean looking and only English speaking young kids should just joyride around emerging market countries by themselves as well. Just because. Family!

[Anonymous]

My ds visited my parents for multiple trips to Canada when he was age 5 and up. No issues with it, though that’s obviously a little closer. I think most moms today are way over anxious about this stuff sorry. All that said, it’s ultimately your decision and I think it’s reasonable to say no.

And I also think it’s wrong of you to be criticizing your MIL SIL and DH about them wanting to this. As another Pp said it’s from a place of kindness. Why think the worst about them?? Why wouldn’t your response be “guys, I love this idea and I love that you are thinking about how to strengthen your relationships with DS and connect him with his family and heritage. But to be honest I’m a little uncomfortable with him being that far away from home at this age, so sadly it’s a no for now. But can we reconsider in a couple years?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During a Facetime call, my SIL tells DH that their mom would like to bring the kids to visit SIL who lives overseas in Europe over the summer. MIL was also on the call. My kids will be 8 and 10 during the summer. My MIL is 75 and divorced. My SIL (not married, no kids) has been recovering from a long term injury and uses crutches and has some mobility issues. My DH responded that they should talk to me about the kids schedule. I said no, the kids would not be going out of the country without us. They got quiet and changed the subject but I know the discussion is not over. They will try to talk to DH at a time when I am not present and beg him to try to persuade me to change my mind. If this persists, I want to respectfully say no and not create animosity.

First off, I am not comfortable having anyone take my kids out of the country. It has nothing to do with how much I trust my MIL. I wouldn't let anyone in my family take them either. My MIL is 75 and I would not risk a situation where she has a medical emergency and my kids are in another country with no one to bring them home. I don't want to risk a situation where one of the kids has a medical emergency and is in a hospital in another country and we are that far away from them.

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

Putting aside any issues about who is paying for it, am I being unreasonable to say no?

Wow, they really ambushed you.

No no no.

How is this an ambush? What approach would NOT have been an ambush?

[Anonymous]

Not even debatable--this is an absolute NO regardless of your MIL's age. Your children are too young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can think of a few situations when I would let my kids go out of the country without me, but this isn't one of them. Either the kids being so young and the MIL being 75 would probably be enough for me to say no, but combined would definitely be a hard no. At that age my kids would do trips to visit our families a few states away, but that's as much as I was comfortable with. If they were more seasoned travelers and fluent in the language there, if they were older, if the adults were younger and more mobile, that might change things.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter how extended family feel about your decision. That's a huge ask. I get grandma wanting to give grandkids an opportunity to travel, and it's nice of her to offer. However, pressuring you or undermining you isn't okay and would be a problem. DH needs to get on the same page and be a united front with you, and you should probably mention to MIL not to tell the kids about it since it's not happening. (My mom would totally talk it up to the kids and then say how she wishes she could take them but mommy won't let you go.)

Besides the elderly single MIL and in physically handicapped single SIL, there is a lot of all-time high social unrest, refugee issues, crime, and terrorism in big cities and airports. You better send any minors with very vigilant travel companions who aren’t marks. Because your kids are. And you do have to go through major airports or Capitol cities to get to the rural homeland house…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During a Facetime call, my SIL tells DH that their mom would like to bring the kids to visit SIL who lives overseas in Europe over the summer. MIL was also on the call. My kids will be 8 and 10 during the summer. My MIL is 75 and divorced. My SIL (not married, no kids) has been recovering from a long term injury and uses crutches and has some mobility issues. My DH responded that they should talk to me about the kids schedule. I said no, the kids would not be going out of the country without us. They got quiet and changed the subject but I know the discussion is not over. They will try to talk to DH at a time when I am not present and beg him to try to persuade me to change my mind. If this persists, I want to respectfully say no and not create animosity.

First off, I am not comfortable having anyone take my kids out of the country. It has nothing to do with how much I trust my MIL. I wouldn't let anyone in my family take them either. My MIL is 75 and I would not risk a situation where she has a medical emergency and my kids are in another country with no one to bring them home. I don't want to risk a situation where one of the kids has a medical emergency and is in a hospital in another country and we are that far away from them.

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

Putting aside any issues about who is paying for it, am I being unreasonable to say no?

Wow, they really ambushed you.

No no no.

How is this an ambush? What approach would NOT have been an ambush?

mIL and SIL obviously colluded beforehand.

And prob knew the husband is a silent pushover.

So yeah, they ambushed OP on a Group FaceTime. Put her, on purpose, in the Bad Cop position.

Disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During a Facetime call, my SIL tells DH that their mom would like to bring the kids to visit SIL who lives overseas in Europe over the summer. MIL was also on the call. My kids will be 8 and 10 during the summer. My MIL is 75 and divorced. My SIL (not married, no kids) has been recovering from a long term injury and uses crutches and has some mobility issues. My DH responded that they should talk to me about the kids schedule. I said no, the kids would not be going out of the country without us. They got quiet and changed the subject but I know the discussion is not over. They will try to talk to DH at a time when I am not present and beg him to try to persuade me to change my mind. If this persists, I want to respectfully say no and not create animosity.

First off, I am not comfortable having anyone take my kids out of the country. It has nothing to do with how much I trust my MIL. I wouldn't let anyone in my family take them either. My MIL is 75 and I would not risk a situation where she has a medical emergency and my kids are in another country with no one to bring them home. I don't want to risk a situation where one of the kids has a medical emergency and is in a hospital in another country and we are that far away from them.

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

Putting aside any issues about who is paying for it, am I being unreasonable to say no?

Wow, they really ambushed you.

No no no.

How is this an ambush? What approach would NOT have been an ambush?

mIL and SIL obviously colluded beforehand.

And prob knew the husband is a silent pushover.

So yeah, they ambushed OP on a Group FaceTime. Put her, on purpose, in the Bad Cop position.

Disgusting.

So, you assume that MIL talked about an idea before raising it with the parents and this therefore makes it an ambush?

Truly, what would you have them do? The issue is that they raised it on a call with OP there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During a Facetime call, my SIL tells DH that their mom would like to bring the kids to visit SIL who lives overseas in Europe over the summer. MIL was also on the call. My kids will be 8 and 10 during the summer. My MIL is 75 and divorced. My SIL (not married, no kids) has been recovering from a long term injury and uses crutches and has some mobility issues. My DH responded that they should talk to me about the kids schedule. I said no, the kids would not be going out of the country without us. They got quiet and changed the subject but I know the discussion is not over. They will try to talk to DH at a time when I am not present and beg him to try to persuade me to change my mind. If this persists, I want to respectfully say no and not create animosity.

First off, I am not comfortable having anyone take my kids out of the country. It has nothing to do with how much I trust my MIL. I wouldn't let anyone in my family take them either. My MIL is 75 and I would not risk a situation where she has a medical emergency and my kids are in another country with no one to bring them home. I don't want to risk a situation where one of the kids has a medical emergency and is in a hospital in another country and we are that far away from them.

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

Putting aside any issues about who is paying for it, am I being unreasonable to say no?

Wow, they really ambushed you.

No no no.

How is this an ambush? What approach would NOT have been an ambush?

+1 I wouldn't let my kids do this, but more likely MIL and SIL were super excited at the thought of this trip and a cool opportunity for the kids. It doesn't sounds like they were trying to ambush/strong arm OP into this.