MIL wants to take kids out of the country without us

[Anonymous]

Right, boys get taken to Ivory coast market and girls to Russia or Mideast.

[Anonymous]

OP this thread is long. My parents suggested we send our kids to visit them in the UK alone in 2017. They got a hard no from me too. My kids were 9 & 10 at the time and my parents were 72.
My dad died that summer, suddenly out of the blue - and if the kids had been there without us, it would have been so much worse than it already was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is totally fine to say “no” to this. But your original post seemed angry they even asked — which I think is ridiculous. They were making what they thought was a nice offer. Say no graciously

I’m on OP’s side but agree with this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My granny took me to England when I was 10 and then died shortly thereafter of an aggressive cancer. It was a highlight of my childhood and really my only clear memories of her.

My knee jerk with my in-laws would also be no, but I would weigh if there’s any way to do it safely to not deprive my kids of a similar memory with their grandparents

OP regularly takes her in laws overseas and they all rent a house together. They are getting this experience already.

[Anonymous]

It's simply no.

I would plan to try to get there as a family for a visit- but would not let them travel alone.

My dad's new wife suggested this (another country where my family is) and she had no experience raising children, and with that combined with my dad's lack of patience and slack safety (thought as toddlers that they didn't need carseats or that he would just pick up some used ones at a neighbourhood yard sale), it was such a no. I was not worried about offending. When my dad started to push it, I pointedly asked him how many times my mum let us stay alone with family elsewhere, when she was alive and he knew it was none. "Sorry, I am just overprotective like my mother" was my reply.

My inlaws are wanting to take my kids on overseas trips now (ages 9 through 14), and while they are more organized and took their other older grandkids on trips, DH and I are just not there yet, so for now we all travel together. Inlaws pay for the kids and we pay our tickets/costs, or none of us go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course it would be a special memory IF everything goes well. The issue is that a lot can go wrong when traveling to another country and I’m not comfortable with those risks because of how young my children are right now. I would consider it when they are older teens.

No one has offered to pay for this trip. Finances were not discussed so I have no idea if they plan to pay for the trip or expect us to purchase tickets. That is why I took that issue out of the equation.

During the call, the question was directed at DH, not me. They only knew I was present in the room.

DH was not invited so that was not an option. However, my DH has a job that makes it difficult to get away. We specifically plan family vacations at specific times that allow for it. Our vacation time together is very important. If he takes the kids without me, I’m losing precious family time together. We regularly incorporate DH’s family into our overseas vacations and pay for a house for everyone to stay together. We regularly host them for long stays at our house.

I promise I am not uptight. I am overly tolerant (to a fault) of how much they expect of us. But given that SIL has been dealing with health problems for over a year due to an accident and MIL went through a hospital stay and months of recovery a year ago due to an unexpected illness, I am not paranoid to worry that unexpected things could happen. A trip with their aunt and grandmother might be nice but is not necessary given that we plan special trips and experiences with them already.

I will propose another trip with them again this summer, but it has to include the parents.

It's okay that you say no, but stop being overly dramatic, OP. Goodness. Life is short, try to see good intent in what people do. If it's bad intent, you can still say no. No one is kidnapping your children to North Korea!

It's human nature to underplay the everyday risks and overplay the risks in a place far from home. But frankly that's what most of this thread is about. Imagining doom and gloom abroad when sadly doom and gloom often happens at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just the fact that they would even demand such a thing shows you how delusional they are and how much they have no idea how to responsibly handle kids that age.

How is an ask considered " a demand?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course it would be a special memory IF everything goes well. The issue is that a lot can go wrong when traveling to another country and I’m not comfortable with those risks because of how young my children are right now. I would consider it when they are older teens.

No one has offered to pay for this trip. Finances were not discussed so I have no idea if they plan to pay for the trip or expect us to purchase tickets. That is why I took that issue out of the equation.

During the call, the question was directed at DH, not me. They only knew I was present in the room.

DH was not invited so that was not an option. However, my DH has a job that makes it difficult to get away. We specifically plan family vacations at specific times that allow for it. Our vacation time together is very important. If he takes the kids without me, I’m losing precious family time together. We regularly incorporate DH’s family into our overseas vacations and pay for a house for everyone to stay together. We regularly host them for long stays at our house.

I promise I am not uptight. I am overly tolerant (to a fault) of how much they expect of us. But given that SIL has been dealing with health problems for over a year due to an accident and MIL went through a hospital stay and months of recovery a year ago due to an unexpected illness, I am not paranoid to worry that unexpected things could happen. A trip with their aunt and grandmother might be nice but is not necessary given that we plan special trips and experiences with them already.

I will propose another trip with them again this summer, but it has to include the parents.

It's okay that you say no, but stop being overly dramatic, OP. Goodness. Life is short, try to see good intent in what people do. If it's bad intent, you can still say no. No one is kidnapping your children to North Korea!

It's human nature to underplay the everyday risks and overplay the risks in a place far from home. But frankly that's what most of this thread is about. Imagining doom and gloom abroad when sadly doom and gloom often happens at home.

To me the issue isn’t that something can’t happen overseas, but the amount of time it would take me to get there if something went wrong. It’s one thing to be a drive away or even a short flight, another to cross an ocean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the poster whose SIL needed to have surgery and wanted to stay in your home while she recuperated and couldn’t walk for weeks, along with your MIL? If so, it sounds like there is already a history of overstepping with those two. Just curious, how did that situation end?

As written, that doesn’t sound like overstepping… sounds like what you do for close family.

I agree. If my sister had surgery and can't walk, I would ask her to stay at my home. If my mom wanted to stay to help out so it's less burden on me, even better.

It worries me how toxic family relationship is her in the US. I was born in another country but grew up here since I was 3. I love that we are close and don't have to be walking on eggshells with my family.

Please read the the original quote before posting:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1052402.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is totally fine to say “no” to this. But your original post seemed angry they even asked — which I think is ridiculous. They were making what they thought was a nice offer. Say no graciously

I’m not even sure why this is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the poster whose SIL needed to have surgery and wanted to stay in your home while she recuperated and couldn’t walk for weeks, along with your MIL? If so, it sounds like there is already a history of overstepping with those two. Just curious, how did that situation end?

As written, that doesn’t sound like overstepping… sounds like what you do for close family.

I agree. If my sister had surgery and can't walk, I would ask her to stay at my home. If my mom wanted to stay to help out so it's less burden on me, even better.

It worries me how toxic family relationship is her in the US. I was born in another country but grew up here since I was 3. I love that we are close and don't have to be walking on eggshells with my family.

The vibe I get from OPs posts is that DH’s family is originally from another country and boundaries aren’t as much a thing.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t she say everyone is American and from America, but single SIL has been working abroad in Europe somewhere. And that they all have traveled to Europe together before- not sure if to SIL city or elsewhere. Or during Covid or way earlier.

[Anonymous]

Frankly, I'd feel better about kids alone or with grandma on the streets of most European destinations vs many US cities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:During a Facetime call, my SIL tells DH that their mom would like to bring the kids to visit SIL who lives overseas in Europe over the summer. MIL was also on the call. My kids will be 8 and 10 during the summer. My MIL is 75 and divorced. My SIL (not married, no kids) has been recovering from a long term injury and uses crutches and has some mobility issues. My DH responded that they should talk to me about the kids schedule. I said no, the kids would not be going out of the country without us. They got quiet and changed the subject but I know the discussion is not over. They will try to talk to DH at a time when I am not present and beg him to try to persuade me to change my mind. If this persists, I want to respectfully say no and not create animosity.

First off, I am not comfortable having anyone take my kids out of the country. It has nothing to do with how much I trust my MIL. I wouldn't let anyone in my family take them either. My MIL is 75 and I would not risk a situation where she has a medical emergency and my kids are in another country with no one to bring them home. I don't want to risk a situation where one of the kids has a medical emergency and is in a hospital in another country and we are that far away from them.

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

Putting aside any issues about who is paying for it, am I being unreasonable to say no?

I am a minority on this thread obviously but I have let my kids of that very same age travel to France to see their relatives; they were chaperoned by my then 70 year old MIL. We paid for airplane tickets for them using our miles and while they were there, they were solely on MIL and their relatives' dime. Everyone had a blast. It's been 5 years and they still remember that trip as the best time of their lives.

OP, I think you are just biased and don't want the kids to have a good time without you. It's not even about the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During a Facetime call, my SIL tells DH that their mom would like to bring the kids to visit SIL who lives overseas in Europe over the summer. MIL was also on the call. My kids will be 8 and 10 during the summer. My MIL is 75 and divorced. My SIL (not married, no kids) has been recovering from a long term injury and uses crutches and has some mobility issues. My DH responded that they should talk to me about the kids schedule. I said no, the kids would not be going out of the country without us. They got quiet and changed the subject but I know the discussion is not over. They will try to talk to DH at a time when I am not present and beg him to try to persuade me to change my mind. If this persists, I want to respectfully say no and not create animosity.

First off, I am not comfortable having anyone take my kids out of the country. It has nothing to do with how much I trust my MIL. I wouldn't let anyone in my family take them either. My MIL is 75 and I would not risk a situation where she has a medical emergency and my kids are in another country with no one to bring them home. I don't want to risk a situation where one of the kids has a medical emergency and is in a hospital in another country and we are that far away from them.

I also think it is completely unreasonable to request to travel with young grandkids that far. SIL will be able to travel by summer. She can come to us to see the kids. There is no reason for MIL to take them to SIL. This is just something they want to do for the experience of it.

Putting aside any issues about who is paying for it, am I being unreasonable to say no?

I am a minority on this thread obviously but I have let my kids of that very same age travel to France to see their relatives; they were chaperoned by my then 70 year old MIL. We paid for airplane tickets for them using our miles and while they were there, they were solely on MIL and their relatives' dime. Everyone had a blast. It's been 5 years and they still remember that trip as the best time of their lives.

OP, I think you are just biased and don't want the kids to have a good time without you. It's not even about the money.

What are you basing that on? OP said her concerns are about being far from the kids in the event of a medical emergency. The fact that you were comfortable with that risk doesn’t mean OP is making a different call because she doesn’t want her kids to have fun.